There were always so many new ones he never knew. Particularly the pretty little blonde with the Raggedy- Ann s...o...b..u.t.ton eyes, who stared at him hungrily.
And from the first, earlier that night, he had known something was wrong. There were too many of them at the party. More than he could handle...and all listening to him tell a story of something that had happened to him when he had driven to New Orleans in 1960 with Tony in the Corvette and they"d both gotten pleurisy because the top hadn"t been bolted down properly and they"d pa.s.sed through a snowstorm in Illinois.
All of them hung to his words, like drying wash on a line, like festoons of ivy. They sucked at each word and every expression like hungry things pulling at the marrow in beef bones. They laughed, and they watched, and their eyes glittered...
Eddie Burma had slowly felt the strength ebbing from him. He grew weary even as he spoke. It had happened before, at other parties, other gatherings, when he had held the attention of the group, and gone home later, feeling drained. He had never known what it was.
But tonight the strength did not come back. They kept watching him, seemed to be feeding at him, and it went on and on, till finally he"d said he had to go to sleep, and they should go home. But they had pleaded for one more anecdote, one more joke told with perfect dialect and elaborate gesticulation. Eddie Burma had begun to cry, quietly. His eyes were red-rimmed, and his body felt as though the bones and musculature had been removed, leaving only a soft rubbery coating that might at any moment cave in on itself.
He had tried to get up; to go and lie down; but they"d gotten more insistent, had demanded, had ordered, had grown nasty.
And then the blonde had come at him, and cut him, and the others were only a step behind.
Somehow...in the thrashing tangle that had followed, with his friends and acquaintances now tearing at one another to get at him, he had escaped. He had fled, he did not know how-the pain of his knifed side crawling inside him. He had made it into the trees of the little glen where his house was hidden, and through the forest, over the watershed, down to the highway, where he had hailed a cab. Then into the city...
See me! See me, please! Just don"t always come and take. Don"t bathe in my reality and then go away feeling clean. Stay and let some of the dirt of you rub off on me. I feel like an invisible man, like a drinking trough, like a sideboard dripping with sweetmeats...Oh G.o.d, is this a play, and myself unwillingly the star? How the h.e.l.l do I get off stage? When do they ring down the curtain? Is there, please G.o.d, a man with a hook...?
I make my rounds, like a faith healer. Each day I spend a little time with each one of them. With Alice and with Burt and with Linda down the hill,. and they take from me. They don"t leave anything in exchange, though. It"s not barter, it"s theft. And the worst part of it is I always needed that, I always let them rob me. What sick need was it that gave them entrance to my soul? Even the pack rat leaves some worthless object when it steals a worthless object. l" d take anything from them: the smallest anecdote, the most used-up thought, the most stagnant concept, the puniest pun, the most obnoxious personal revelation...anything! But all they do is sit there and stare at me, their mouths open, their ears hearing me so completely they empty my words of color and scent...I feel as though they"re crawling into me. I can"t stand any more...really I can"t.
The mouth of the alley was blocked.
Shadows moved there.
Burt, the box-boy. Nancy and Alice and Linda. Sid, the failure. John, who walked with a rolling motion. And the doctor, the juke box repairman, the pizza cook, the used car salesman, the swinging couple who swapped partners, the babyfat discotheque dancer...all of them.
They came for him.
And for the first time he noticed their teeth.
The moment before they reached him stretched out as silent and timeless as the decay that ate at his world. He had no time for self-pity. It was not merely that Eddie Burma had been cannibalized every day of the year, every hour of the day, every minute of every hour of every day of the year. The awareness dawned unhappily-in that moment of timeless time -that he had let them do it to him. That he was no better than them, only different. They were the feeders-and he was the food. But no n.o.bility could be attached to one or the other. He needed to have people worship and admire him. He needed the love and attention of the ma.s.ses, the worship of monkeys. And for Eddie Burma that was a kind of beginning to death. It was the death of his unselfconsciousness; the slaughter of his innocence. From that moment forward, he had been aware of the clever things he said and did, on a cellular level below consciousness. He was aware. Aware, aware, aware!
And awareness brought them to him, where they fed. It led to self-consciousness, petty pretensions, ostentation. And that was a thing devoid of substance, of reality. And if there was anything on which his acolytes could not nourish, it was a posturing, phony, empty human being.
They would drain him.
The moment came to a timeless climax, and they carried him down under their weight, and began to feed.
When it was over, they left him in the alley. They went to look elsewhere.
With the vessel drained, the vampires moved to other pulsing arteries.
In Lonely Lands
He clasps the crag with crooked hands; Close to the sun in lonely lands, Ring"d with the azure world he stands.
ALFRED, LORD TENNYSON.
PEDERSON KNEW NIGHT WAS FALLING over Syrtis Major; blind, still he knew the Martian night had arrived; the harp crickets had come out. The halo of sun"s warmth that had kept him golden through the long day had dissipated, and he could feel the chill of the darkness now. Despite his blindness there was an appreciable changing in the shadows that lived where once, long ago, there had been sight.
"Pretrie," he called into the hush, and the answering echoes from the moon valleys answered and answered, Pretrie, Pretrie, Pretrie, down and down, almost to the foot of the small mountain.
"I"m here, Pederson old man. What do you want of me?"
Pederson relaxed in the pneumorack. He had been tense for some time, waiting. Now he relaxed.
"Have you been to the temple?"
"I was there. I prayed for many turnings, through three colors."
It had been many years since Pederson had seen colors. But he knew the Martian"s religion was strong and stable because of colors. " And what did the blessed Jilka foretell, Pretrie?"
"Tomorrow will be cupped in the memory of today. And other things." The silken overtones of the alien"s voice were soothing. Though Pederson had never seen the tall, utterly ancient Jilkite, he had pa.s.sed his arthritic, spatulate fingers over the alien"s hairless, teardrop head, had seen by feeling the deep round sockets where eyes glowed, the pug nose, the thin, lipless gash that was mouth. Pederson knew this face as he knew his own, with its wrinkles and sags and protuberances. He knew the Jilkite was so old no man could estimate it in Earth years.
"Do you hear the Gray Man coming yet?"
Pretrie sighed, a lung-deep sigh, and Pederson could hear the inevitable crackling of bones as the alien hunkered down beside the old man"s pneumorack.
"He comes but slowly, old man. But he comes. Have patience."
"Patience," Pederson chuckled ruminatively. "I got that, Pretrie. I got that and that"s about all. I used to have time, too, but now that"s about gone. You say he"s coming?"
"Coming, old man. Time. Just time."
"How are the blue shadows, Pretrie?"
"Thick as fur in the moon valleys, old man. Night is coming."
"Are the moons out?"
There was a breathing through wide nostrils-ritualistically slit nostrils-and the alien replied, "None yet this night. Tayseff and Teei are below the horizon. It grows dark swiftly. Perhaps this night, old man."
"Perhaps," Pederson agreed.
"Have patience."
Pederson had not always had patience. As a young man, the blood warm in him, he had fought with his Presby-Baptist father, and taken to s.p.a.ce. He had not believed in Heaven, h.e.l.l, and the accompanying rigors of the All-Church. Not then. Later, but not then.
To s.p.a.ce he had gone, and the years had been good to him. He had aged slowly, healthily, as men do in the dark places between dirt. Yet he had seen the death, and the men who had died believing, the men who had died not believing. And with time had come the realization that he was alone, and that some day, one day, the Gray Man would come for him.
He was always alone, and in his loneliness, when the time came that he could no longer tool the great ships through the star-s.p.a.ces, he went away.
He went away, searching for a home, and finally came full-circle to the first world he had known; came home to Mars, where he had been young, where his dreams had been born; Mars, for home is always where a man has been young and happy. Came home where the days were warm and the nights were mild.
Came home where men had pa.s.sed but somehow, miraculously, had not sunk their steel and concrete roots.
Came home to a home that had changed not at all since he"d been young. And it was time. For blindness had found him, and the slowness that forewarned him of the Gray Man"s visit. Blindness from too many gla.s.ses of vik and Scotch, from too much hard radiation, from too many years of squinting into the vastness. Blind, and unable to earn his keep.
So alone, he had come home; as the bird finds the tree, as the winter-starved deer finds the last bit of bark, as the river finds the sea. He had come there to wait for the Gray Man, and it was there that the Jilkite Pretrie had found him.
They sat together, silently, on the porch with many things unsaid, yet pa.s.sing between them.
"Pretrie?"
"Old man."
"I never asked you what you get out of this. I mean-"
Pretrie reached and the sound of his claw tapping the formica tabletop came to Pederson. Then the alien was pressing a bulb of water-diluted vik into his hand. "I know what you mean, old man. I have been with you close on two harvestings. I am here. Does that not satisfy you?"
Two harvestings. Equivalent to four years Earth-time, Pederson knew. The Jilkite had come out of the dawn one day, and stayed to serve the old blind man. Pederson had never questioned it. One day he was struggling with the coffee pot (he dearly loved old-fashion brewed coffee and scorned the use of the coffee briquettes) and the heat controls on the hutch...the next he had an undemanding, unselfish manservant who catered with dignity and regard to his every desire. It had been a companionable relationship; he had made no great demands on Pretrie, and the alien had asked nothing in return.
He was in no position to wonder or question.
Though he could hear Pretrie"s brothers in the chest-high floss brakes at harvesting time, still the Jilkite never wandered far from the hutch.
Now, it was nearing its end.
"It has been easier with you. I-uh-thanks, Pretrie," the old man felt the need to say it clearly, without embroidery.
A soft grunt of acknowledgment. "I thank you for allowing me to remain with you, old man, Pederson," the Jilkite answered softly.
A spot of cool touched Pederson"s cheek. At first he thought it was rain, but no more came, and he asked, "What was that?"
The Jilkite shifted-with what Pederson took to be discomfort-and answered, " A custom of my race."
"What?" Pederson persisted.
"A tear, old man. A tear from my eye to your body."
"Hey, look..." he began, trying to convey his feelings, and realizing look was the wrong word. He stumbled on, an emotion coming to him he had long thought dead inside himself. "You don"t have to be- uh-you know, sad, Pretrie. I"ve lived a good life. The Gray Man doesn"t scare me." His voice was brave, but it cracked with the age in the cords.
"My race does not know sadness, Pederson. We know grat.i.tude and companionship and beauty.
But not sadness. That is a serious lack, so you have told me, but we do not yearn after the dark and the lost.
My tear is a thank you for your kindness."
"Kindness?"
"For allowing me to remain with you."
The old man subsided then, waiting. He did not understand. But the alien had found him, and the presence of Pretrie had made things easier for him in these last years. He was grateful, and wise enough to remain silent.
They sat there thinking their own thoughts, and Pederson"s mind winnowed the wheat of incidents from the chaff of life spent.
He recalled the days alone in the great ships, and how he had at first laughed to think of his father"s religion, his father"s words about loneliness: "No man walks the road without companionship, Will," his father had said. He had laughed, declaring he was a loner, but now, with the unnamable warmth and presence of the alien here beside him, he knew the truth.
His father had been correct.
It was good to have a friend. Especially when the Gray Man was coming. Strange how he knew it with such calm certainty, but that was the way of it. He knew, and he waited placidly.
After a while, the chill came down off the hills, and Pretrie brought out the treated shawl. He laid it about the old man"s thin shoulders, where it clung with warmth, and hunkered down on his triple-jointed legs once more.
"I don"t know, Pretrie," Pederson ruminated, later.
There was no answer. There had been no question.
"I just don"t know. Was it worth it all? The time as.p.a.ce, the men I"ve known, the lonely ones who died and the dying ones who were never lonely."
"All peoples know that ache, old man," Pretrie philosophized. He drew a deep breath.
"I never thought I needed anyone. I"ve learned better, Pretrie."
"One never knows." Pederson had taught the alien little; Pretrie had come to him speaking English. It had been one more puzzling thing about the Jilkite, but again Pederson had not questioned it.
There had been many s.p.a.cers and missionaries on Mars.
"Everybody needs somebody," Pederson went on.
"You will never know," Pederson agreed in emphasis. Then added, "Perhaps you will."
Then the alien stiffened, his claw upon the old man"s arm. "He comes, Pederson old man."
A thrill of expectancy, and a shiver of near-fright came with it. Pederson"s gray head lifted, and despite the warmth of the shawl he felt cold. So near now. "He"s coming?"
"He is here."
They both sensed it, for Pederson could feel the awareness in the Jilkite beside him; he had grown sensitive to the alien"s moods, even as the other had plumbed his own. "The Gray Man." Pederson spoke the words softly on the night air, and the moon valleys did not respond.
"I"m ready," said the old man, and he extended his left hand for the grasp. He set down the bulb of vik with his other hand.
The feel of hardening came stealing through him, and it was as though someone had taken his hand in return. Then, as he thought he was to go, alone, he said, "Good-bye to you, Pretrie, friend."
But there was no good-bye from the alien beside him. Instead, the Jilkite"s voice came to him as through a fog softly descending.