I fled towards the open beach. But there was no relief, for the entire beach was glowing luridly, like mud struggling to suffocate a moon. Among the debris I glimpsed the rest of Neal"s clothes, half absorbed by the beach. As I staggered into the open, I saw his tracks ahead--saw how they appeared to grow, to alter until they became unrecognisable, and then to peter out at a large dark shapeless patch on the sand.
I glared about, terrified. I couldn"t see the bungalows. After minutes I succeeded in glimpsing the path, the mess of footprints cluttering the dune. I ------------------------------------216 began to pace towards it, very slowly and quietly, so as not to be noticed by the beach and the looming sky.
But the dunes were receding. I think I began to scream then, scream almost in a whisper, for the faster I hurried, the further the dunes withdrew. The nightmare had overtaken perspective. Now I was running wildly, though I felt I was standing still. I"d run only a few steps when I had to recoil from sand that seized my feet so eagerly I almost heard it smack its lips. Minutes ago there had been no quicksand, for I could see my earlier prints embedded in that patch. I stood trapped, shivering uncontrollably, as the glow intensified and the lightless sky seemed to descend--and I felt the beach change.
Simultaneously I experienced something which, in a sense, was worse: I felt myself change. My dizziness whirled out of me. I felt light-headed but stable. At last I realised that I had never had sunstroke. Perhaps it had been my inner conflict--being forced to stay yet at the same time not daring to venture onto the beach, because of what my subconscious knew would happen.
And now it was happening. The beach had won. Perhaps Neal had given it the strength. Though I dared not look, I knew that the sea had stopped. Stranded objects, elaborate symbols composed of something like flesh, writhed on its paralysed margin. The clamour which surrounded me, chanting and gurgling, was not that of the sea: it was far too articulate, however repet.i.tive. It was underfoot too--the voice of the beach, a whisper p.r.o.nounced by so many sources that it was deafening.
I felt ridges of sand squirm beneath me. They were firm enough to bear my weight, but they felt nothing like sand. They were forcing me to shift my balance. In a moment I would have to dance, to imitate the jerking shapes that had ceased to pretend they were only debris, to join in the ritual of the objects that swarmed up from the congealed sea. Everything glistened in the quivering glow. I thought my flesh had begun to glow too.
Then, with a lurch of vertigo worse than any I"d experienced, I found myself momentarily detached from the nightmare. I seemed to be observing myself, a figure tiny and trivial as an insect, making a timid hysterical attempt to join in the dance of the teeming beach. The moment was brief, yet felt like eternity. Then I was back in my clumsy flesh, struggling to prance on the beach.
At once I was cold with terror. I shook like a victim of electricity, for I knew what viewpoint I"d shared. It was still watching me, indifferent as outer s.p.a.ce--and it filled the sky. If I looked up I would see its eyes, or eye, if it had anything that I would recognise as such. My neck shivered as I held my head down. But I would have to look up in a moment, for I could feel the face, or whatever was up there, leaning closer--reaching down for me. ------------------------------------217 If I hadn"t broken through my suffocating panic I would have been crushed to nothing. But my teeth tore my lip, and allowed me to scream. Released, I ran desperately, heedless of quicksand. The dunes crept back from me, the squirming beach glowed, the light flickered in the rhythm of the chanting. I was spared being engulfed--but when at last I reached the dunes, or was allowed to reach them, the dark ma.s.sive presence still hovered overhead.
I clambered scrabbling up the path. My sobbing gasps filled my mouth with sand. My wild flight was from nothing that I"d seen. I was fleeing the knowledge, deep-rooted and undeniable, that what I perceived blotting out the sky was nothing but an acceptable metaphor. Appalling though the presence was, it was only my mind"s version of what was there--a way of letting me glimpse it without going mad at once.
I have not seen Neal since--at least, not in a form that anyone else would have not seen Neal since--at least, not in a form that anyone else would recognise. recognise.
Next day, after a night during which I drank all the liquor I could find to douse my appalled thoughts and insights, I discovered that I couldn"t leave. I pretended to myself that I was going to the beach to search for Neal. But the movements began at once; the patterns stirred. As I gazed, dully entranced, I felt something grow less dormant in my head, as though my skull had turned into a sh.e.l.l.
Perhaps I stood engrossed by the beach for hours. Movement distracted me: the skimming of a windblown patch of sand. As I glanced at it I saw that it resembled a giant mask, its features ragged and crumbling. Though its eyes and mouth couldn"t keep their shape, it kept trying to resemble Neal"s face. As it slithered whispering towards me I fled towards the path, moaning.
That night he came into the bungalow. I hadn"t dared go to bed; I dozed in a chair, and frequently woke trembling. Was I awake when I saw his huge face squirming and transforming as it crawled out of the wall? Certainly I could hear his words, though his voice was the inhuman chorus I"d experienced on the beach. Worse, when I opened my eyes to glimpse what might have been only a shadow, not a large unstable form fading back into the substance of the wall, for a few seconds I could still hear that voice.
Each night, once the face had sunk back into the wall as into quicksand, the voice remained longer--and each night, struggling to break loose from ------------------------------------218 the prison of my chair, I understood more of its revelations. I tried to believe all this was my imagination, and so, in a sense, it was. The glimpses of Neal were nothing more than acceptable metaphors for what Neal had become, and what I was becoming. My mind refused to perceive the truth more directly, yet I was possessed by a temptation, vertiginous and sickening, to learn what that truth might be.
For a while I struggled. I couldn"t leave, but perhaps I could write. When I found that however bitterly I fought I could think of nothing but the beach, I wrote this. I hoped that writing about it might release me, but of course the more one thinks of the beach, the stronger its hold becomes.
Now I spend most of my time on the beach. It has taken me months to write this. Sometimes I see people staring at me from the bungalows. Do they wonder what I"m doing? They will find out when their time comes-- everyone will. Neal must have satisfied it for a while; for the moment it is slower. But that means little. Its time is not like ours.
Each day the pattern is clearer. My pacing helps. Once you have glimpsed the pattern you must go back to read it, over and over. I can feel it growing in my mind. The sense of expectancy is overwhelming. Of course that sense was never mine. It was the hunger of the beach.
My time is near. The large moist prints that surround mine are more p.r.o.nounced--the prints of what I am becoming. Its substance is everywhere, stealthy and insidious. Today, as I looked at the bungalows, I saw them change; they grew like fossils of themselves. They looked like dreams of the beach, and that is what they will become.
The voice is always with me now. Sometimes the congealing haze seems to /mouth at me. At twilight the dunes edge forward to guard the beach. When the beach is dimmest I see other figures pacing out the pattern. Only those whom the beach has touched would see them; their outlines are unstable--some look more like coral than flesh. The quicksands make us trace the pattern, and he stoops from the depths beyond the sky to watch. The sea feeds me. Often now I have what may be a dream. I glimpse what Neal has become, and how that is merely a fragment of the imprint which it will use to return to our world. Each time I come closer to recalling the insight when I wake. As my mind changes, it tries to prepare me for the end. Soon I shall be what Neal is. I tremble uncontrollably, I feel deathly sick, my mind struggles desperately not to know. Yet in a way I am resigned. After all, even if I managed to flee the beach, I could never escape the growth. I have understood enough to know that it would absorb me in time, when it becomes the world. ------------------------------------219
Out of Copyright
The widow gazed wistfully at the pile of books. "I thought they might be worth something." worth something."
"Oh, some are," Tharne said. "That one, for instance, will fetch a few pence. But I"m afraid that your husband collected books indiscriminately. Much of this stuff isn"t worth the paper it"s printed on. Look, I"ll tell you what I"ll do--I"ll take the whole lot off your hands and give you the best price I can."
When he"d counted out the notes, the wad over his heart was scarcely reduced. He carried the bulging cartons of books to his van, down three gloomy flights of stairs, along the stone path which hid beneath lolling gra.s.s, between gateposts whose stone globes grew continents of moss. By the third descent he was panting. Nevertheless he grinned as he kicked gra.s.s aside; the visit had been worthwhile, certainly.
He drove out of the cracked and overgrown streets, past rusty cars laid open for surgery, old men propped on front steps to wither in the sun, prams left outside houses as though in the hope that a thief might adopt the baby. Sunlight leaping from windows and broken gla.s.s lanced his eyes. Heat made the streets and his perceptions waver. Glimpsed in the mirror or sensed looming at his back, the cartons resembled someone crouching behind him. They smelled more dusty than the streets.
Soon he reached the crescent. The tall Georgian houses shone white. Beneath them the van looked cheap, a tin toy littering the street. Still, it wasn"t advisable to seem too wealthy when buying books.
He dumped the cartons in his hall, beside the elegant curve of the staircase. His secretary came to the door of her office. "Any luck?"
"Yes indeed. Some first editions and a lot of rare material. The man knew what he was collecting."
"Your mail came," she said in a tone which might have announced the police. This annoyed him: he prided himself on his legal knowledge, he observed the law scrupulously. "Well, well," he demanded, "who"s saying what?" ------------------------------------220 "It"s that American agent again. He says you have a moral obligation to pay Lewis"s widow for those three stories. Otherwise, he says--let"s see--"I shall have to seriously consider recommending my clients to boycott your anthologies.""
"He says that, does he? The b.a.s.t.a.r.d. They"d be better off boycotting him." Tharne"s face grew hot and swollen; he could hardly control his grin. "He"s better at splitting infinitives than he is at looking after his people"s affairs. He never renewed the copyright on those stories. We don"t owe anyone a penny. And by G.o.d, you show me an author who needs the money. Rolling in it, all of them. Living off their royalties." A final injustice struck him; he smote his forehead. "Anyway, what the devil"s it got to do with the widow? She didn"t write the stories."
To burn up some of his rage, he struggled down to the cellar with the cartons. His blood drummed wildly. As he unpacked the cartons, dust smoked up to the light-bulbs. The cellar, already dim with its crowd of bookshelves, grew dimmer.
He piled the books neatly, sometimes shifting a book from one pile to another, as though playing Patience. When he reached the ace, he stopped. Tales Tales Beyond Beyond Life, Life, by Damien Damon. It was practically a legend; the book had never been reprinted in its entirety. The find could hardly have been more opportune. The book contained "The Dunning of Diavolo"--exactly what he needed to complete the new Tharne anthology, by Damien Damon. It was practically a legend; the book had never been reprinted in its entirety. The find could hardly have been more opportune. The book contained "The Dunning of Diavolo"--exactly what he needed to complete the new Tharne anthology, Justice From Beyond the Grave. Justice From Beyond the Grave. He knocked lumps of dust from the top of the book, and turned to the story. He knocked lumps of dust from the top of the book, and turned to the story.
Even in death he would be recompensed. Might the resurrectionists have his corpse for a toy? Of a certainty--but only once those organs had been removed which his spirit would need, and the Rituals performed. This stipulation he had willed on his deathbed to his son. Unless his corpse was pacified, his curse would rise.
Undeed, had the father"s estate been more readily available to clear the son"s debts, this might have been an edifying tale of filial piety. Still, on a night when the moon gleamed like a sepulture, the father was plucked tuber-pallid from the earth.
Rather than sow superst.i.tious scruples in the resurrectionists, the son had told them naught. Even so, the burrowers felt that they had mined an uncommon seam. Voiceless it might be, but the corpse had its forms of protest. Only by seizing its wrists could the corpseminers elude the cold touch of its hands. Could they have closed its ------------------------------------221 stiff lids, they might have borne its grin. On the contrary, neither would touch the gelatinous pebbles which bulged from its face... $ Tharne knew how the tale continued: Diavolo, the father, was dissected, but his limbs went snaking round the town in search of those who had betrayed him, and crawled down the throats of the victims to drag out the twins of those organs of which the corpse had been robbed. All good Gothic stuff--gory and satisfying, but not to be taken too seriously. They couldn"t write like that nowadays; they"d lost the knack of proper Gothic writing. And yet they whined that they weren"t paid enough!
Only one thing about the tale annoyed him: the misprint "undeed" for "indeed." Amusingly, it resembled "undead"--but that was no excuse for perpetrating it. The one reprint of the tale, in the "twenties, had swarmed with literals. Well, this time the text would be perfect. Nothing appeared in a Tharne anthology until it satisfied him.
He checked the remaining text, then gave it to his secretary to retype. His timing was exact: a minute later the doorbell announced the book collector, who was as punctual as Tharne. They spent a mutually beneficial half-hour. "These I bought only this morning," Tharne said proudly. "They"re yours for twenty pounds apiece."
The day seemed satisfactory until the phone rang. He heard the girl"s startled squeak. She rang through to his office, sounding fl.u.s.tered. "Ronald Main wants to speak to you."
"Oh G.o.d. Tell him to write, if he still knows how. I"ve no time to waste in chatting, even if he has." But her cry had disturbed him; it sounded like a threat of inefficiency. Let Main see that someone round here wasn"t to be shaken! "No, wait--put him on."
Main"s orotund voice came rolling down the wire. "It has come to my notice that you have anthologised a story of mine without informing me."
Trust a writer to use as many words as he could! "There was no need to get in touch with you," Tharne said. "The story"s out of copyright."
"That is hardly the issue. Aside from the matter of payment, which we shall certainly discuss, I want to take up with you the question of the text itself. Are you aware that whole sentences have been rewritten?"
"Yes, of course. That"s part of my job. I am the editor, you know." Irritably Tharne restrained a sneeze; the smell of dust was very strong. "After all, it"s an early story of yours. Objectively, don"t you think I"ve improved it?" He oughtn"t to sound as if he was weakening. "Anyway, I"m afraid that legally you"ve no rights." ------------------------------------222 Did that render Main speechless, or was he preparing a stronger attack? It scarcely mattered, for Tharne put down the phone. Then he strode down the hall to check his secretary"s work. Was her typing as fl.u.s.tered as her voice had been?
Her office was hazy with floating dust. No wonder she was peering closely at the book--though she looked engrossed, almost entranced. As his shadow fell on the page she started; the typewriter carriage sprang to its limit, ringing. She demanded "Was that you before?"
"What do you mean?"
"Oh, nothing. Don"t let it bother you." She seemed nervously annoyed-- whether with him or with herself he couldn"t tell.
At least her typing was accurate, though he could see where letters had had to be retyped. He might as well write the introduction to the story. He went down to fetch Who Who "so Who in Horror and Fantasy Fiction. Dust teemed around the cellar lights and chafed his throat. "so Who in Horror and Fantasy Fiction. Dust teemed around the cellar lights and chafed his throat.
Here was Damien Damon, real name Sidney Drew: but. Chelsea, 30 April 1876; do.? 1911? "His life was even more bizarre and outrageous than his fiction. Some critics say that that is the only reason for his fame. ...8 A small dry sound made Tharne glance up. Somewhere among the shelved books, a face peered at him through a gap. Of course it could be nothing of the sort, but it took him a while to locate a cover which had fallen open in a gap, and which must have resembled a face.
Upstairs he wrote the introductiondd"... Without the help of an agent, and with no desire to make money from his writing, Damon became one of the most discussed in whispers writers of his day. Critics claim that it was scandals that he practised magic which gained him fame. But his posthumously published Tales Tales Beyond Beyond Life Life shows that he was probably the last really first cla.s.s writer in the tradition of Poe. ...8 Glancing up, Tharne caught sight of himself, pen in hand, at the desk in the mirror. So much for any nonsense that he didn"t understand writers" problems! Why, he was a writer himself! shows that he was probably the last really first cla.s.s writer in the tradition of Poe. ...8 Glancing up, Tharne caught sight of himself, pen in hand, at the desk in the mirror. So much for any nonsense that he didn"t understand writers" problems! Why, he was a writer himself!
Only when he"d finished writing did he notice how quiet the house had become. It had the strained unnatural silence of a library. As he padded down the hall to deliver the text to his secretary his sounds felt m.u.f.fled, detached from him.
His secretary was poring over the typescript of Damon"s tale. She looked less efficient than anxious--searching for something she would rather not find? Dust hung about her in the amber light, and made her resemble a waxwork or a faded painting. Her arms dangled, forgotten. Her gaze was fixed on the page. ------------------------------------223 Before he could speak, the phone rang. That startled her so badly that he thought his presence might dismay her more. He retreated into the hall, and a dark shape stepped back behind him--his shadow, of course. He entered her office once more, making sure he was audible.
"It"s Mr Main again," she said, almost wailing.
"Tell him to put it in writing."
"Mr Tharne says would you please send him a letter." Her training allowed her to regain control, yet she seemed unable to put down the phone until instructed. Tharne enjoyed the abrupt cessation of the outraged squeaking. "Now I think you"d better go home and get some rest," he said.
When she"d left he sat at her desk and read the typescripts. Yes, she had corrected the original; "undeed" was righted. The text seemed perfect, ready for the printer. Why then did he feel that something was wrong? Had she omitted a pa.s.sage or otherwise changed the wording?
He"d compare the texts in his office, where he was more comfortable. As he rose, he noticed a few faint dusty marks on the carpet. They approached behind his secretary"s chair, then veered away. He must have tracked dust from the cellar, which clearly needed sweeping. What did his housekeeper think she was paid for?
Again his footsteps sounded muted. Perhaps his ears were clogged with dust; there was certainly enough of it about. He had never noticed how strongly the house smelled of old books, nor how unpleasant the smell could be. His skin felt dry, itchy.
In his office he poured himself a large Scotch. It was late enough, he needn"t feel guilty--indeed, twilight seemed unusually swift tonight, unless it was an effect of the swarms of dust. He didn"t spend all day drinking, unlike some writers he could name.
He knocked clumps of dust from the book; it seemed almost to grow there, like grey fungus. Airborne dust whirled away from him and drifted back. He compared the texts, line by line. Surely they were identical, except for her single correction. Yet he felt there was some aspect of the typescript which he needed urgently to decipher. This frustration, and its irrationality, unnerved him.
He was still frowning at the pages, having refilled his gla.s.s to loosen up his thoughts, when the phone rang once. He grabbed it irritably, but the earpiece was as hushed as the house. Or was there, amid the electric hissing vague as a cascade of dust, a whisper? It was beyond the grasp of his hearing, except for a syllable or two which sounded like Latin--if it was there at all.
He jerked to his feet and hurried down the hall. Now that he thought ------------------------------------224 about it, perhaps he"d heard his secretary"s extension lifted as his phone had rung. Yes, her receiver was off the hook. It must have fallen off. As he replaced it, dust sifted out of the mouthpiece.
Was a piece of paper rustling in the hall? No, the hall was bare. Perhaps it was the typescript, stirred on his desk by a draught. He closed the door behind him, to exclude any draught--as well as the odour of something very old and dusty.
But the smell was stronger in his room. He sniffed gingerly at Tales Tales Beyond Beyond Life. Life. Why, there it was: the book reeked of dust. He shoved open the French windows, then he sat and stared at the typescript. He was beginning to regard it with positive dislike. He felt as though he had been given a code to crack; it was nerve-racking as an examination. Why was it only the typescript that bothered him, and not the original? Why, there it was: the book reeked of dust. He shoved open the French windows, then he sat and stared at the typescript. He was beginning to regard it with positive dislike. He felt as though he had been given a code to crack; it was nerve-racking as an examination. Why was it only the typescript that bothered him, and not the original?
He flapped the typed pages, for they looked thinly coated with grey. Perhaps it was only the twilight, which seemed composed of dust. Even his Scotch tasted clogged. Just let him see what was wrong with this d.a.m.ned story, then he"d leave the room to its dust--and have a few well-chosen words for his housekeeper tomorrow.
There was only one difference between the texts: the capital I. I. Or had he missed another letter? Compulsively and irritably, refusing to glance at the grey lump which hovered at the edge of his vision, he checked the first few capitals. Or had he missed another letter? Compulsively and irritably, refusing to glance at the grey lump which hovered at the edge of his vision, he checked the first few capitals. E, M, O, R, E, M, O, R, T... Suddenly he stopped, parched mouth open. Seizing his pen, he began to transcribe the capitals alone. T... Suddenly he stopped, parched mouth open. Seizing his pen, he began to transcribe the capitals alone.
E mortuis revoco.
From the dead I summon thee.
Oh, it must be a joke, a mistake, a coincidence. But the next few capitals dashed his doubts. From the dead I summon thee, from the dust I recreate thee. From the dead I summon thee, from the dust I recreate thee. ... The entire story concealed a Latin invocation. It had been Damien Damon"s last story and also, apparently, his last attempt at magic. ... The entire story concealed a Latin invocation. It had been Damien Damon"s last story and also, apparently, his last attempt at magic.
And it was Tharne"s discovery. He must rewrite his introduction. Publicised correctly, the secret of the tale could help the book"s sales a great deal. Why then was he unwilling to look up? Why was he tense as a trapped animal, ears straining painfully? Because of the thick smell of dust, the stealthy dry noises that his choked ears were unable to locate, the grey ma.s.s that hovered in front of him?
When at last he managed to look up, the jerk of his head twinged his neck. But his gasp was of relief. The grey blotch was only a chunk of dust, ------------------------------------225 clinging to the mirror. Admittedly it was unpleasant; it resembled a face masked with dust, which also spilled from the face"s dismayingly numerous openings. Really, he could live without it, much as he resented having to do his housekeeper"s job for her.
When he rose, it took him a moment to realise that his reflection had partly blotted out the grey ma.s.s. In the further moment before he understood, two more reflected grey lumps rose beside it, behind him. Were they hands or wads of dust? Perhaps they were composed of both. It was impossible to tell, even when they closed over his face. ------------------------------------226 ------------------------------------227
Above the World
n.o.body was at Reception when Knox came downstairs. The dinner-gong hung mute in its frame; napkin pyramids guarded dining-tables; in the lounge, chairs sat emptily. Nothing moved, except fish in the aquarium, fluorescent gleams amid water that bubbled like lemonade. The visitors" book lay open on the counter. He riffled the pages idly, seeking his previous visit. A Manchester address caught his attention: but the name wasn"t his--not any longer. The names were those of his wife and the man. hung mute in its frame; napkin pyramids guarded dining-tables; in the lounge, chairs sat emptily. Nothing moved, except fish in the aquarium, fluorescent gleams amid water that bubbled like lemonade. The visitors" book lay open on the counter. He riffled the pages idly, seeking his previous visit. A Manchester address caught his attention: but the name wasn"t his--not any longer. The names were those of his wife and the man.
It took him a moment to realise. They must have been married by then. So the man"s name had been Tooley, had it? Knox hadn"t cared to know. He was pleased to find that he felt nothing but curiosity. Why had she returned here--for a kind of second honeymoon, to exorcise her memories of him?
When he emerged, it was raining. That ought to wash the fells clean of all but the dedicated walkers; he might be alone up there--no perambulatory radios, no families marking their path with trailing children. Above the hotel mist wandered among the pines, which grew pale and blurred, a spiky frieze of grey, then solidified, regaining their green. High on the scree slope, the Bishop of Barf protruded like a single deformed tooth.
The sight seemed to halt time, to turn it back. He had never left the Swan Hotel. In a moment Wendy would run out, having had to go back for her camera or her rucksack or something. "I wasn"t long, was I? The bus hasn"t gone, has it? Oh dear, I"m sorry." Of course these impressions were nonsense: he"d moved on, developed since his marriage, defined himself more clearly--but it cheered him that his memories were cool, disinterested. Life advanced relentlessly, powered by change. The Bishop shone white only because climbers painted the pinnacle each year, climbing the steep scree with buckets of whitewash from the Swan.
Here came the bus. It would be stuffed with wet campers slow as turtles, their backs burdened with tubular scaffolding and enormous rucksacks. Only once had he suffered such a ride. Had nothing changed? Not the Swan, the local food, the un.o.btrusive service, the long white seventeenth-century ------------------------------------228 building which had so charmed Wendy. He had a table to himself; if you wanted to be left alone, n.o.body would bother you. Tonight there would be venison, which he hadn"t tasted since his honeymoon. He"d returned determined to enjoy the Swan and the walks, determined not to let memories deny him those pleasures--and he"d found his qualms were groundless.
He strode down the Keswick road. Rain rushed over Ba.s.senthwaite Lake and tapped on the hood of his cagoule. Why did the stone wall ahead seem significant? Had Wendy halted there once, because the wall was singing? "Oh look, aren"t they beautiful." As he stooped towards the crevice, a cl.u.s.ter of hungry beaks had sprung out of the darkness, gaping. The glimpse had unnerved him: the inexorable growth of life, sprouting everywhere, even in stone. Moss choked the silent crevice now.
Somehow that image set him wondering where Wendy and the man had died. Mist had caught them, high on one or other of the fells; they"d died of exposure. That much he had heard from a friend of Wendy"s, who had grown aloof from him and who had seemed to blame him for entrusting Wendy to an inexperienced climber--as if Knox should have taken care of her even after the marriage! He hadn"t asked for details. He"d felt relieved when Wendy had announced that she"d found someone else. Habit, familiarity, and introversion had screened them from each other well before they"d separated.
He was pa.s.sing a camp in a field. He hadn"t slept in a tent since early in his marriage, and then only under protest. Rain slithered down bright canvas. The m.u.f.fled voices of a man and a woman paced him from tent to tent. Irrationally, he peered between the tents to glimpse them--but it must be a radio programme. Though the voices sounded intensely engrossed in discussion, he could distinguish not a word. The camp looked deserted. Everyone must be under canvas, or walking.
By the time he reached Braithwaite village, the rain had stopped. Clouds paraded the sky; infrequent gaps let out June sunlight, which touched the heights of the surrounding fells. He made for the cafe at the foot of the Whinlatter Pa.s.s--not because Wendy had loved the little house, its homemade cakes and its shelves of books, but for something to read: he would let chance choose his reading. But the shop was closed. Beside it Coledale Beck pursued its wordless watery monologue.
Should he climb Grisedale Pike? He remembered the view from the summit, of Braithwaite and Keswick the colours of pigeons, white and grey amid the palette of fields. But climbers were toiling upwards towards the intermittent sun. Sometimes the spectacle of plodding walkers, fell boots ------------------------------------229 creaking, sticks shoving at the ground, red faces puffing like trains in distress, made his climb seem a mechanical compulsion, absurd and mindless. Suppose the height was occupied by a cla.s.s of children, heading like lemmings for the edge?
He"d go back to Barf: that would be lonely--unless one had Mr. WainWright"s guidebook, Barf appeared unclimbable. Returning through the village, he pa.s.sed Braithwaite post office. That had delighted Wendy--a house just like the other small white houses in the row, except for the counter and grille in the front hall, beside the stairs. A postcard came fluttering down the garden path. Was that a stamp on its corner, or a patch of moss? Momentarily he thought he recognised the handwriting--but whose did it resemble? A breeze turned the card like a page. Where a picture might have been there was a covering of moss, which looked vaguely like a blurred view of two figures huddled together. The card slid by him, into the gutter, and lodged trembling in a grid, brandishing its message. Impulsively he made a grab for it--but before he could read the writing, the card fell between the bars.
He returned to the road to Thornthwaite. A sheen of sunlight clung to the macadam brows; hedges dripped dazzling silver. The voices still wandered about the deserted campsite, though now they sounded distant and echoing. Though their words remained inaudible, they seemed to be calling a name through the tents.
At Thornthwaite, only the hotel outshone the Bishop. As Knox glanced towards the coaching inn, Wendy appeared in his bedroom window. Of course it was a chambermaid--but the shock reverberated through him, for all at once he realised that he was staying in the room which he had shared with Wendy. Surely the proprietress of the Swan couldn"t have intended this; it must be coincidence. Memories surged, disconcertingly vivid--collapsing happily on the bed after a day"s walking, making love, not having to wake alone in the early hours. Just now, trudging along the road, he"d thought of going upstairs to rest. Abruptly he decided to spend the afternoon in walking.
Neither the hard road nor the soggy margin of Ba.s.senthwaite Lake tempted him. He"d climb Barf, as he had intended. He didn"t need Mr. Wainwright"s book; he knew the way. Wendy had loved those handwritten guidebooks; she"d loved searching through them for the self-portrait of Mr Wainwright which was always hidden among the hand-drawn views--there he was, in Harris tweed, overlooking Lanthwaite Wood. No, Knox didn"t need those books today.
The beginning of the path through Beckstones larch plantation was easy. ------------------------------------230 Soon he was climbing beside Beckstones Gill, his ears full of its intricate liquid clamour as the stream tumbled helplessly downhill, confined in its rocky groove. But the path grew steep. Surely it must have been elsewhere that Wendy had run ahead, mocking his slowness, while he puffed and cursed. By now most of his memories resembled anecdotes he"d overheard or had been told--blurred, lacking important details, sometimes contradictory.
He rested. Around him larches swayed numerous limbs, engrossed in their tethered dance. His breath eased; he ceased to be uncomfortably aware of his pulse. He stumped upwards, over the path of scattered slate. On both sides of him, ferns protruded from decay. Their highest leaves were wound into a ball, like green caterpillars on stalks.
A small rock-face blocked the path. He had to scramble across to the continuation. Lichen made the roots of trees indistinguishable from the rock. His foot slipped; he slithered, banging his elbow, clutching for handholds. Good Lord, the slope was short, at worst he would turn his ankle, he could still grab hold of rock, in any case someone was coming, he could hear voices vague as the stream"s rush that obscured them. At last he was sure he was safe, though at the cost of a bruised hip. He sat and cursed his pounding heart. He didn"t care who heard him--but perhaps n.o.body did, for the owners of the voices never appeared.
He struggled upwards. The larches gave way to spruce firs. Fallen trunks, splintered like bone, hindered his progress. How far had he still to climb? He must have laboured half a mile by now; it felt like more. The forest had grown oppressive. Elaborate lichens swelled brittle branches; everywhere he looked, life burgeoned parasitically, consuming the earth and the forest, a constant and ruthless renewal. He was sweating, and the clammy chill of the place failed to cool him.
Silence seized him. He could hear only the restless creaking of trees. For a long time he had been unable to glimpse the Swan; the sky was invisible, too, except in fragments caged by branches. All at once, as he climbed between close banks of mossy earth and rock, he yearned to reach the open. He felt suffocated, as though the omnipresent lichen were thick fog. He forced himself onward, panting harshly.
Pain halted him--pain that transfixed his heart and paralysed his limbs with shock. His head felt swollen, burning, deafened by blood. Beyond that uproar, were there voices? Could he cry for help? But he felt that he might never draw another breath.
As suddenly as it had attacked him, the pain was gone, though he felt as if it had burned a hollow where his heart had been. He slumped against rock. ------------------------------------231 His ears rang as though metal had been clapped over them. Oh G.o.d, the doctor had been right; he must take things easy. But if he had to forgo rambling, he would have nothing left that was worthwhile. At last he groped upwards out of the dank trough of earth, though he was still light-headed and unsure of his footing. The path felt distant and vague.
He reached the edge of the forest without further mishap. Beyond it, Beckstones Gill rushed over broken stones. The sky was layered with grey clouds. Across the stream, on the rise to the summit, bracken shone amid heather.
He crossed the stream and climbed the path. Below him the heathery slope plunged towards the small valley. A few crumbs of boats floated on Ba.s.senthwaite. A constant quivering ran downhill through the heather; the wind dragged at his cagoule, whose fluttering deafened him. He felt unnervingly vulnerable, at the mercy of the gusts. His face had turned cold as bone. Sheep dodged away from him. Their swiftness made his battle with the air seem ridiculous, frustrating. He had lost all sense of time before he reached the summit--where he halted, entranced. At last his toil had meaning.