The world seemed laid out for him. Light and shadow drifted stately over the fells, which reached towards clouds no vaster than they. Across Ba.s.senthwaite, fells higher than his own were only steps on the ascent to Skiddaw, on whose deceptively gentle outline gleamed patches of snow. A few dots, too distant to have limbs, crept along that ridge. The fells glowed with all the colours of foliage, gra.s.s, heather, bracken, except where vast tracts of rock broke through. Drifts of shadow half absorbed the colours; occasional sunlight renewed them.
The landscape was melting; he had to blink. Was he weeping, or had the wind stung his eyes? He couldn"t tell; the vastness had charmed away his sense of himself. He felt calm, absolutely unselfconscious. He watched light advancing through Beckstones Plantation, possessing each successive rank of foliage. When he gazed across the lake again, that sight had transfigured the landscape.
Which lake was that on the horizon? He had never before noticed it. It lay like a fragment of slate, framed by two fells dark as storms--but above it, clouds were opening. Blue sky shone through the tangle of grey; veils of light descended from the ragged gap. The lake began to glow from within, intensely calm. Beyond it fields and trees grew clear, minute and luminous. Yes, he was weeping.
After a while he sat on a rock. Its coldness was indistinguishable from his own stony chill. He must go down shortly. He gazed out for a last view. The ------------------------------------232 fells looked smooth, alluringly gentle; valleys were trickles of rock. He held up his finger for a red bug to crawl along. Closer to him, red dots were scurrying: ladybirds, condemned to explore the maze of gra.s.s-blades, to change course at each intersection. Their mindless urgency dismayed him.
They drew his gaze to the heather. He gazed deep into a tangled clump, at the breathtaking variety of colours, the intricacies of growth. As many must be hidden in each patch of heather: depths empty of meaning, and intended for no eye. All around him plants reproduced shapes endlessly: striving for perfection, or compelled to repeat themselves without end? If his gaze had been microscopic, he would have seen the repet.i.tions of atomic particles, mindlessly clinging and building, possessed by the compulsion of matter to form patterns.
Suddenly it frightened him--he couldn"t tell why. He felt unsafe. Perhaps it was the ma.s.s of cloud which had closed overhead like a stone lid. The colours of the summit had turned lurid, threatening. He headed back towards the wood. The faces of sheep gleamed like bone--he had never noticed before how they resembled munching skulls. A group of heads, chewing mechanically, glared white against the sky and kept their gaze on him.
He was glad to cross the stream, though he couldn"t feel the water. He must hurry down before he grew colder. The hush of the woods embraced him. Had a sheep followed him? No, it was only the cry of a decaying trunk. He slipped quickly down the path, which his feet seemed hardly to touch.
The movement of silver-green lattices caged him. Branches and shadows swayed everywhere, entangled. The tips of some of the firs were luminously new. Winds stalked the depths of the forest, great vague forms on creaking stilts. Scents of growth and decay accompanied him. When he grabbed a branch to make sure of his footing, it broke, scattering flakes of lichen.
Again the forest grew too vivid; the trees seemed victims of the processes of growth, sucked dry by the lichen which at the same time lent them an elaborate patina of life. Wherever he looked, the forest seemed unbearably intricate. How, among all that, could he glimpse initials? Somehow they had seized his attention before he knew what they were. They were carved on a cracked and wrinkled tree: Wendy"s initials, and the man"s.
Or were they? Perhaps they were only cracks in the bark. Of course she and the man might well have climbed up here--but the more Knox squinted, the less clear the letters seemed. He couldn"t recapture the angle of vision at which they had looked unmistakable.
He was still pacing back and forth before the trunk, as though trapped in ------------------------------------233 a ritual, when stealthy movement made him turn. Was it the shifting of grey trees beneath the lowering largely unseen sky? No--it was a cloud or mist, descending swiftly from the summit, through the woods.
He glanced ahead for the path--and, with a shock that seemed to leave him hollow, realised that it was not there. Nor was it visible behind him as far back as the wall of mist. His reluctant fascination with the forest had lured him astray.
He strode back towards the mist, hushing his doubts. Surely the path couldn"t be far. But the mist felt thick as icy water, and blinded him. He found himself slithering on decay towards a fall which, though invisible, threatened to be steep. A grab at a crumbling trunk saved him; but when he"d struggled onto safer ground, he could only retreat towards the tree which he had thought was inscribed.
He must press on, outdistancing the mist, and try to head downwards. Wasn"t there a forest road below, quite close? But whenever he found an easy slope, it would become abruptly dangerous, often blocked by treacherous splintered logs. He was approaching panic. As much as anything, the hollow at the centre of himself dismayed him. He had tended to welcome it when it had grown there, in his marriage and afterwards; it had seemed safe, invulnerable. Now he found he had few inner resources with which to sustain himself.
The mist was only yards away. It had swallowed all the faint sounds of the wood. If he could only hear the stream, or better still a human voice, a vehicle on the forest road--if only he had gone back to the hotel for his whistle and compa.s.s-- But there was a sound. Something was blundering towards him. Why was he indefinably distressed, rather than heartened?
Perhaps because the mist obscured it as it scuttled down the slope towards him; perhaps because it sounded too small for an adult human being, too swift, too lopsided. He thought of a child stumbling blindly down the decayed slope. But what child would be so voiceless? As it tumbled limping through the mist, Knox suppressed an urge to flee. He saw the object stagger against a misty root, and collapse there. Before he had ventured forward he saw that it was only a rucksack.
Yet he couldn"t quite feel relieved. The rucksack was old, discoloured and patched with decay; mist drained it of colour. Where had it come from? Who had abandoned it, and why? It still moved feebly, as though inhabited. Of course there was a wind: the mist was billowing. Nevertheless he preferred not to go closer. The blurred tentative movements of the overgrown sack were unpleasant, somehow. ------------------------------------234 Still, perhaps the incident was opportune. It had made him glance upwards for an explanation. He found none--but he caught sight of a summit against the clouds. It wasn"t Barf, for between the confusion of trees he could just distinguish two cairns, set close together. If he could reach them, he ought to be able to see his way more clearly. Was he hearing m.u.f.fled voices up there? He hoped so, but hadn"t time to listen.
He wasn"t safe yet. The mist had slowed, but was still pursuing him. The slope above him was- too steep to climb. He retreated between the trees, avoiding slippery roots which glistened dull silver, glancing upwards constantly for signs of the path. For a while he lost sight of the unknown summit. Only a glimpse of the cairns against the darkening sky mitigated his panic. Were they cairns, or figures sitting together? No, they were the wrong colour for people.
Above him the slope grew steeper. Worse, twilight was settling like mist into the woods. He glared downhill, but the fall was dim and precipitous; there was no sign of a road, only the grey web of innumerable branches. He groped onward, careless of his footing, desperate to glimpse a way. Surely a path must lead to the cairns. But would he reach it before dark? Could he heave himself up the slope now, using trees for handholds? Wait: wasn"t that a path ahead, trailing down between the firs? He stumbled forward, afraid to run in case he slipped. He reached out to grab a tree, to lever himself past its trap of roots. But his fingers recoiled--the encrusted glimmering bark looked unnervingly like a face.
He refused to be reminded of anyone. He clung to the hollow within himself and fought off memories. Yet, as he pa.s.sed close to the next tree, he seemed to glimpse the hint of a face composed of cracks in the bark, and of twilight. His imagination was conspiring with the dimness, that was all-- but why, as he grasped a trunk to thrust himself onward, did each patch of lichen seem to suggest a face? The more closely he peered, enraged by his fears, the smaller and more numerous the swarming faces seemed. Were there many different faces, or many versions of a couple? Their expressions, though vague, seemed numerous and disturbing.
For a moment he was sure that he couldn"t back away--that he must watch until the light was entirely gone, must glimpse faces yet smaller and clearer and more numerous. Panic hurled him away from the lichen, and sent him scrabbling upwards. His fingers dug into decay; ferns writhed and snapped when he grabbed them; the surrounding dimness teemed with faces. He kicked himself footholds, gouged the earth with his heels. He clutched at roots, which flaked, moist and chill. More than once he slithered ------------------------------------235 back into the ma.s.sing darkness. But his panic refused to be defeated. At last, as twilight merged the forest into an indistinguishable crowd of dimness, he scrambled up a slope that had commenced to be gentle, to the edge of the trees.
As soon as he had done so, his triumph collapsed beneath dismay. Even if he glimpsed a path from the summit, night would engulf it before he could make his way down. The sky was blackening. Against it loomed two hunched forms, heads turned to him. Suddenly joy seized him. He could hear voices-- surely the sound was more than the muttering of wind. The two forms were human. They must know their way down, and he could join them.
He scrambled upwards. Beyond the trees, the slope grew steep again; but the heather provided easy holds, though his clambering felt almost vertical. The voices had ceased; perhaps they had heard him. But when he glanced up, the figures hadn"t moved. A foot higher, and he saw that the faces turned to him were patches of moss; the figures were cairns, after all. It didn"t matter: companionship waited at the summit; he"d heard voices, he was sure that he"d heard them, please let him have done so. And indeed, as he struggled up the last yards of the slope, the two grey figures rose with a squeaking and rattling of slate, and advanced heavily towards him. ------------------------------------236 ------------------------------------237
Mackintosh w.i.l.l.y
To start with, he wasn "that called Mackintosh w.i.l.l.y. I never knew who gave him that name. Was it one of those nicknames that seem to proceed from a group subconscious, names recognised by every member of the group yet apparently originated by none? One has to call one"s fears something, if only to gain the illusion of control. Still, sometimes I wonder how much of his monstrousness we created. Wondering helps me not to ponder my responsibility for what happened at the end. "that called Mackintosh w.i.l.l.y. I never knew who gave him that name. Was it one of those nicknames that seem to proceed from a group subconscious, names recognised by every member of the group yet apparently originated by none? One has to call one"s fears something, if only to gain the illusion of control. Still, sometimes I wonder how much of his monstrousness we created. Wondering helps me not to ponder my responsibility for what happened at the end.
When I was ten I thought his name was written inside the shelter in the park. I saw it only from a distance; I wasn"t one of those who made a game of braving the shelter. At ten I wasn"t afraid to be timid--that came later, with adolescence.
Yet if you had walked past Newsham Park you might have wondered what there was to fear: why were children advancing, bold but wary, on the redbrick shelter by the twilit pool? Surely there could be no danger in the shallow shed, which might have held a couple of dozen bicycles. By now the fishermen and the model boats would have left the pool alone and still; lamps on the park road would have begun to dangle luminous tails in the water. The only sounds would be the whispering of children, the murmur of trees around the pool, perhaps a savage incomprehensible muttering whose source you would be unable to locate. Only a game, you might rea.s.sure yourself.
And of course it was: a game to conquer fear. If you had waited long enough you might have heard shapeless movement in the shelter, and a snarling. You might have glimpsed him as he came scuttling lopsidedly out of the shelter, like an injured spider from its lair. In the gathering darkness, how much of your glimpse would you believe? The unnerving swiftness of the obese limping shape? The head which seemed to belong to another, far smaller, body, and which was almost invisible within a grey Balaclava cap, except for the small eyes which glared through the loose hole?
All of that made us hate him. We were too young for tolerance--and besides, he was intolerant of us. Ever since we could remember he had been ------------------------------------238 there, guarding his territory and his bottle of red biddy. If anyone ventured too close he would start muttering. Sometimes you could hear some of the words: "d.a.m.n b.a.s.t.a.r.d prying interfering snooper ... thieving b.a.s.t.a.r.d layabout... think you"re clever, eh"... I"ll give you something clever. ...8 We never saw him until it was growing dark: that was what made him into a monster. Perhaps during the day he joined his cronies elsewhere--on the steps of ruined churches in the centre of Liverpool, or lying on the gra.s.s in St John"s Gardens, or crowding the benches opposite Edge Hill Public Library, whose stopped clock no doubt helped their draining of time. But if anything of this occurred to us, we dismissed it as irrelevant. He was a creature of the dark.
Shouldn"t this have meant that the first time I saw him in daylight was the end? In fact, it was only the beginning.
It was a blazing day at the height of summer, my tenth. It was too hot to think of games to while away my school holidays. All I could do was walk errands for my parents, grumbling a little.
They owned a small newsagent"s on West Derby Road. That day they were expecting promised copies of the Tuebrook Tuebrook Bugle. Bugle. Even when he disagreed with them, my father always supported the independent papers--the Even when he disagreed with them, my father always supported the independent papers--the Bugle, Bugle, the the Liverpool Liverpool Free Free Press: Press: at least they hadn"t been swallowed or destroyed by a monopoly. The lateness of the at least they hadn"t been swallowed or destroyed by a monopoly. The lateness of the Bugle Bugle worried him; had the paper given in? He sent me to find out. worried him; had the paper given in? He sent me to find out.
I ran across West Derby Road just as the traffic lights at the top of the hill released a flood of cars. Only girls used the pedestrian subway so far as I was concerned; besides, it was flooded again. I strolled past the concrete police station into the park, to take the long way round. It was too hot to go anywhere quickly or even directly.
The park was crowded with games of football, parked prams, sunbathers draped over the greens. Patients sat outside the hospital on Orphan Drive beside the park. Around the lake, fishermen sat by transistor radios and whipped the air with hooks. Beyond the lake, model boats snarled across the shallow circular pool. I stopped to watch their patterns on the water, and caught sight of an object in the shelter.
At first I thought it was an old grey sack that someone had dumped on the bench. Perhaps it held rubbish--sticks which gave parts of it an angular look. Then I saw that the sack was an indeterminate stained garment, which might have been a mackintosh or raincoat of some kind. What I had vaguely a.s.sumed to be an ancient shopping bag, resting next to the sack, displayed a ragged patch of flesh and the dull gleam of an eye. ------------------------------------239 Exposed to daylight, he looked even more dismaying: so huge and still, less stupefied than dormant. The presence of the boatmen with their remote-control boxes rea.s.sured me. I ambled past the allotments to Pringle Street, where a terraced house was the editorial office of the Bugle. Bugle.
Our copies were on the way, said Chrissie Maher the editor, and insisted on making me a cup of tea. She seemed a little upset when, having gulped the tea, I hurried out into the rain. Perhaps it was rude of me not to wait until the rain had stopped--but on this parched day I wanted to make the most of it, to bathe my face and my bare arms in the onslaught, gasping almost hysterically.
By the time I had pa.s.sed the allotments, where cabbages rattled like toy machine-guns, the downpour was too heavy even for me. The park provided little cover; the trees let fall their own belated storms, miniature but drenching. The nearest shelter was by the pool, which had been abandoned to its web of ripples. I ran down the slippery tarmac hill, splashing through puddles, trying to blink away rain, hoping there would be room in the shelter.
There was plenty of room, both because the rain reached easily into the depths of the brick shed and because the shelter was not entirely empty. He lay as I had seen him, face upturned within the sodden Balaclava. Had the boatmen avoided looking closely at him? Raindrops struck his unblinking eyes and trickled over the patch of flesh.
I hadn"t seen death before. I stood shivering and fascinated in the rain. I needn"t be scared of him now. He"d stuffed himself into the grey coat until it split in several places; through the rents I glimpsed what might have been dark cloth or discoloured hairy flesh. Above him, on the shelter, were graffiti which at last I saw were not his name at all, but the names of three boys: mack tosh w.i.l.l.y. They were partly erased, which no doubt was why one"s mind tended to fill the gap.
I had to keep glancing at him. He grew more and more difficult to ignore; his presence was intensifying. His shapelessness, the rents in his coat, made me think of an old bag of washing, decayed and mouldy. His hand lurked in his sleeve; beside it, amid a scattering of Coca-Cola caps, lay fragments of the bottle whose contents had perhaps killed him. Rain roared on the dull green roof of the shelter; his staring eyes glistened and dripped. Suddenly I was frightened. I ran blindly home.
"There"s someone dead in the park," I gasped. "The man who chases everyone."
"Look at you!" my mother cried. "Do you want pneumonia? Just you get out of those wet things this instant!" ------------------------------------240 Eventually I had a chance to repeat my news. By this time the rain had stopped. "Well, don"t be telling us," my father said. "Tell the police. They"re just across the road."
Did he think I had exaggerated a drunk into a corpse? He looked surprised when I hurried to the police station. But I couldn"t miss the chance to venture in there--I believed that elder brothers of some of my schoolmates had been taken into the station and hadn"t come out for years.
Beside a window which might have belonged to a ticket office was a bell which you rang to make the window"s part.i.tion slide back and display a policeman. He frowned down at me. What was my name? What had I been doing in the park? Who had I been with? When a second head appeared beside him he said reluctantly "He thinks someone"s pa.s.sed out in the park."
A blue-and-white Mini called for me at the police station, like a taxi; on the roof a red sign said police. People glanced in at me as though I were on my way to prison. Perhaps I was: suppose Mackintosh w.i.l.l.y had woken up and gone? How long a sentence did you get for lying? False diamonds sparkled on the gra.s.s and in the trees. I wished I"d persuaded my father to tell the police.
As the car halted, I saw the grey bulk in the shelter. The driver strode, stiff with dignity, to peer at it. "My G.o.d," I heard him say in disgust.
Did he know Mackintosh w.i.l.l.y? Perhaps, but that wasn"t the point. "Look at this," he said to his colleague. "Ever see a corpse with pennies on the eyes? Just look at this, then. See what someone thought was a joke."
He looked shocked, sickened. He was blocking my view as he demanded "Did you do this?"
His white-faced anger, and my incomprehension, made me speechless. But his colleague said "It wouldn"t be him. He wouldn"t come and tell us afterwards, would he?"
As I tried to peer past them he said "Go on home, now. Go on." His gentleness seemed threatening. Suddenly frightened, I ran home through the park.
For a while I avoided the shelter. I had no reason to go near, except on the way home from school. Sometimes I"d used to see schoolmates tormenting Mackintosh w.i.l.l.y; sometimes, at a distance, I had joined them. Now the shelter yawned emptily, baring its dim bench. The dark pool stirred, disturbing the green beards of the stone margin. My main reason for avoiding the park was that there was n.o.body with whom to go.
Living on the main road was the trouble. I belonged to none of the side streets, where they played football among parked cars or chased through the ------------------------------------241 back alleys. I was never invited to street parties. I felt like an outsider, particularly when I had to pa.s.s the groups of teenagers who sat on the railing above the pedestrian subway, lazily swinging their legs, waiting to pounce. I stayed at home, in the flat above the newsagent"s, when I could, and read everything in the shop. But I grew frustrated: I did enough reading at school. All this was why I welcomed Mark. He could save me from my isolation.
Not that we became friends immediately. He was my parents" latest paperboy. For several days we examined each other warily. He was taller than me, which was intimidating, but seemed unsure how to arrange his lankiness. Eventually he said "What"re you reading?"
He sounded as though reading was a waste of time. "A book," I retorted.
At last, when I"d let him see that it was Mickey Spillane, he said "Can I read it after you?"
"It isn"t mine. It"s the shop"s."
"All right, so I"ll buy it." He did so at once, paying my father. He was certainly wealthier than me. When my resentment of his gesture had cooled somewhat, I realised that he was letting me finish what was now his book. I dawdled over it to make him complain, but he never did. Perhaps he might be worth knowing.
My instinct was accurate: he proved to be generous--not only with money, though his father made plenty of that in home improvements, but also in introducing me to his friends. Quite soon I had my place in the tribe at the top of the pedestrian subway, though secretly I was glad that we never exchanged more than ritual insults with the other gangs. Perhaps the police station, looming in the background, restrained hostilities.
Mark was generous too with his ideas. Although Ben, a burly lad, was nominal leader of the gang, it was Mark who suggested most of our activities. Had he taken to delivering papers to save himself from boredom--or, as I wondered afterwards, to distract himself from his thoughts? It was Mark who brought his skates so that we could brave the slope of the pedestrian subway, who let us ride his bicycle around the side streets, who found ways into derelict houses, who brought his transistor radio so that we could hear the first Beatles records as the traffic pa.s.sed unheeding on West Derby Road. But was all this a means of distracting us from the park?
No doubt it was inevitable that Ben resented his supremacy. Perhaps he deduced, in his slow and stolid way, that Mark disliked the park. Certainly he hit upon the ideal method to challenge him.
It was a hot summer evening. By then I was thirteen. Dust and fumes ------------------------------------242 drifted in the wakes of cars; wagons clattered repet.i.tively across the railway bridge. We lolled about the pavement, kicking Coca-Cola caps. Suddenly Ben said "I know something we can do."
We trooped after him, dodging an aggressive gang of taxis, towards the police station. He might have meant us to play some trick there; when he swaggered past, I"m sure everyone was relieved--everyone except Mark, for Ben was leading us onto Orphan Drive.
Heat shivered above the tarmac. Beside us in the park, twilight gathered beneath the trees, which stirred stealthily. The island in the lake creaked with ducks; swollen litter drifted sluggishly, or tried to climb the bank. I could sense Mark"s nervousness. He had turned his radio louder; a misshapen Elvis Presley blundered out of the static, then sank back into incoherence as a neighbourhood waveband seeped into his voice. Why was Mark on edge? I could see only the dimming sky, trees on the far side of the lake diluted by haze, the gleam of bottle caps like eyes atop a floating mound of litter, the glittering of broken bottles in the lawns.
We pa.s.sed the locked ice-cream kiosk. Ben was heading for the circular pool, whose margin was surrounded by a fluorescent orange tape tied between iron poles, a makeshift fence. I felt Mark"s hesitation, as though he were a scared dog dragged by a lead. The lead was pride: he couldn"t show fear, especially when none of us knew Ben"s plan.
A new concrete path had been laid around the pool. "We"ll write our names in that," Ben said.
The dark pool swayed, as though trying to douse reflected lights. Black clouds spread over the sky and loomed in the pool; the threat of a storm lurked behind us. The brick shelter was very dim, and looked cavernous. I strode to the orange fence, not wanting to be last, and poked the concrete with my toe. "We can"t," I said; for some reason, I felt relieved. "It"s set."
Someone had been there before us, before the concrete had hardened. Footprints led from the dark shelter towards us. As they advanced, they faded, no doubt because the concrete had been setting. They looked as though the man had suffered from a limp.
When I pointed them out, Mark flinched, for we heard the radio swing wide of comprehensibility. "What"s up with you?" Ben demanded.
"Nothing."
"It"s getting dark," I said, not as an answer but to coax everyone back towards the main road. But my remark inspired Ben; contempt grew in his eyes. "I know what it is," he said, gesturing at Mark. "This is where he used to be scared." ------------------------------------243 "Who was scared? I wasn"t b.l.o.o.d.y scared."
"Not much you weren"t. You didn"t look it," Ben scoffed, and told us "Old w.i.l.l.y used to chase him all round the pool. He used to hate him, did old w.i.l.l.y. Mark used to run away from him. I never. I wasn"t scared."
"You watch who you"re calling scared. If you"d seen what I did to that old b.a.s.t.a.r.d--was Perhaps the movements around us silenced him. Our surroundings were crowded with dark shifting: the sky unfurled darkness, muddy shapes rushed at us in the pool, a shadow huddled restlessly in one corner of the shelter. But Ben wasn"t impressed by the drooping boast. "Go on," he sneered. "You"re scared now. Bet you wouldn"t dare go in his shelter."
"Who wouldn"t? You watch it, you!"
"Go on, then. Let"s see you do it."
We must all have been aware of Mark"s fear. His whole body was stiff as a puppet"s. I was ready to intervene--to say, lying, that the police were near-- when he gave a shrug of despair and stepped forward. Climbing gingerly over the tape as though it were electrified, he advanced onto the concrete.
He strode towards the shelter. He had turned the radio full on; I could hear nothing else, only watch the shifting of dim shapes deep in the reflected sky, watch Mark stepping in the footprints for bravado. They swallowed his feet. He was nearly at the shelter when I saw him glance at the radio.
The song had slipped awry again; another waveband seeped in, a blurred muttering. I thought it must be Mark"s infectious nervousness which made me hear it forming into words. "Come on, son. Let"s have a look at you." But why shouldn"t the words have been real, fragments of a radio play?
Mark was still walking, his gaze held by the radio. He seemed almost hypnotised; otherwise he would surely have flinched back from the huddled shadow which surged forward from the corner by the bench, even though it must have been the shadow of a cloud.
As his foot touched the shelter I called nervously "Come on, Mark. Let"s go and skate." I felt as though I"d saved him. But when he came hurrying back, he refused to look at me or at anyone else.
For the next few days he hardly spoke to me. Perhaps he thought of avoiding my parents" shop. Certainly he stayed away from the gang--which turned out to be all to the good, for Ben, robbed of Mark"s ideas, could think only of shoplifting. They were soon caught, for they weren"t very skilful. After that my father had doubts about Mark, but Mark had always been scrupulously honest in deliveries; after some reflection, my father kept him on. Eventually Mark began to talk to me again, though not about the park. ------------------------------------244 That was frustrating: I wanted to tell him how the shelter looked now. I still pa.s.sed it on my way home, though from a different school. Someone had been scrawling on the shelter. That was hardly unusual--graffiti filled the pedestrian subway, and even claimed the ends of streets--but the words were odd, to say the least: like scribbles on the walls of a psychotic"s cell, or the gibberish of an invocation, do the b.a.s.t.a.r.d, bottle up his eyes, hook them out. push his head in. Tangled amid them, like chewed bones, gleamed the eroded slashes of mack tosh w.i.l.l.y.
I wasn"t as frustrated by the conversational taboo as I might have been, for I"d met my first girlfriend. Kim was her name; she lived in a flat on my block, and because of her parents" trade, seemed always to smell of fish and chips. She obviously looked up to me--for one thing, I"d begun to read for pleasure again, which few of her friends could be bothered attempting. She told me her secrets, which was a new experience for me, strange and rather exciting--as was being seen on West Derby Road with a girl on my arm, any girl. I was happy to ignore the jeers of Ben and cronies.
She loved the park. Often we strolled through, scattering charitable crumbs to ducks. Most of all she loved to watch the model yachts, when the snarling model motorboats left them alone to glide over the pool. I enjoyed watching too, while holding her warm, if rather clammy, hand. The breeze carried away her culinary scent. But I couldn"t help noticing that the shelter now displayed screaming faces with red bursts for eyes. I have never seen drawings of violence on walls elsewhere.
My relationship with Kim was short-lived. Like most such teenage experiences, our parting was not romantic and poignant, if partings ever are, but harsh and hysterical. It happened one evening as we made our way to the fair which visited Newsham Park each summer.
Across the lake we could hear shrieks that mingled panic and delight as cars on metal poles swung girls into the air, and the blurred roaring of an ancient pop song, like the voice of an enormous radio. On the Ferris wheel, coloured lights sailed up, painting airborne faces. The twilight shone like a Christmas tree; the lights swam in the pool. That was why Kim said "Let"s sit and look first."
The only bench was in the shelter. Tangles of letters dripped tails of dried paint, like blood; mutilated faces shrieked soundlessly. Still, I thought I could bear the shelter. Sitting with Kim gave me the chance to touch her b.r.e.a.s.t.s, such as they were, through the collapsing deceptively large cups of her bra. Tonight she smelled of newspapers, as though she had been wrapped in them for me to take out; she must have been serving at the counter. Nevertheless ------------------------------------245 I kissed her, and ignored the fact that one corner of the shelter was dark as a spider"s crevice.
But she had noticed; I felt her shrink away from the corner. Had she noticed more than I? Or was it her infectious wariness which made the dark beside us look more solid, about to shuffle towards us along the bench? I was uneasy, but the din and the lights of the fairground were rea.s.suring. I determined to make the most of Kim"s need for protection, but she pushed my hand away. "Don"t," she said irritably, and made to stand up.
At that moment I heard a blurred voice. "Popeye," it muttered as if to itself; it sounded gleeful. "Popeye." Was it part of the fair? It might have been a stallholder"s voice, distorted by the uproar, for it said "I"ve got something for you."
The struggles of Kim"s hand in mine excited me. "Let me go," she was wailing. Because I managed not to be afraid, I was more pleased than dismayed by her fear--and I was eager to let my imagination flourish, for it was better than reading a ghost story. I peered into the dark corner to see what horrors I could imagine.
Then Kim wrenched herself free and ran around the pool. Disappointed and angry, I pursued her. "Go away," she cried. "You"re horrible. I never want to speak to you again." For a while I chased her along the dim paths, but once I began to plead I grew furious with myself. She wasn"t worth the embarra.s.sment. I let her go, and returned to the fair, to wander desultorily for a while. When I"d stayed long enough to prevent my parents from wondering why I was home early, I walked home.
I meant to sit in the shelter for a while, to see if anything happened, but someone was already there. I couldn"t make out much about him, and didn"t like to go closer. He must have been wearing spectacles, for his eyes seemed perfectly circular and gleamed like metal, not like eyes at all.
I quickly forgot that glimpse, for I discovered Kim hadn"t been exaggerating: she refused to speak to me. I stalked off to buy fish and chips elsewhere, and decided that I hadn"t liked her anyway. My one lingering disappointment, I found glumly, was that I had n.o.body with whom to go to the fairground. Eventually, when the fair and the school holidays were approaching their end, I said to Mark "Shall we go to the fair tonight?"
He hesitated, but didn"t seem especially wary. "All right," he said with the indifference we were beginning to affect about everything.
At sunset the horizon looked like a furnace, and that was how the park felt. Couples rambled sluggishly along the paths; panting dogs splashed in the lake. Between the trees the lights of the fairground shimmered and twinkled, ------------------------------------246 cheap multicoloured stars. As we pa.s.sed the pool, I noticed that the air was quivering above the footprints in the concrete, and looked darkened, perhaps by dust. Impulsively I said "What did you do to old w.i.l.l.y?"
"Shut up." I"d never heard Mark so savage or withdrawn. "I wish I hadn"t done it."
I might have retorted to his rudeness, but instead I let myself be captured by the fairground, by the glade of light amid the balding rutted green. Couples and gangs roamed, harangued a shade half-heartedly by stallholders. Young children hid their faces in pink candy floss. A siren thin as a Christmas party hooter set the Dodgems running. Mark and I rode a tilting bucket above the fuzzy clamour of music, the splashes of glaring light, the cramped crowd. Secretly I felt a little sick, but the ride seemed to help Mark regain his confidence. Shortly, as we were playing a pinball machine with senile flippers, he said "Look, there"s Lorna and what"s-her-name."
It took me a while to be sure where he was pointing: at a tall bosomy girl, who probably looked several years older than she was, and a girl of about my height and age, her small bright face sketched with makeup. By this time I was following him eagerly.
The tall girl was Lorna; her friend"s name was Carol. We strolled for a while, picking our way over power cables, and Carol and I began to like each other; her scent was sweet, if rather overpowering. As the fair began to close, Mark easily won trinkets at a shooting gallery and presented them to the girls, which helped us to persuade them to meet us on Sat.u.r.day night. By now Mark never looked towards the shelter--I think not from wariness but because it had ceased to worry him, at least for the moment. I glanced across, and could just distinguish someone pacing unevenly round the pool, as if impatient for a delayed meeting.