Was the light failing? The room looked steeped in dimness, a grimy fluid whose sediment clung to his eyes. If anything the light had made him worse, for another thought came welling up like bile, and another. They were worse than the atrocities which the house had seen. He had to get out of the house.
He slammed his suitcase--thank G.o.d he"d lived out of it, rather than use the wardrobe--and dragged it onto the landing. He was halfway down, and the thuds of the case on the stairs were making his scalp crawl, when he realised that he"d left a notebook in the living-room.
He faltered in the hallway. He mustn"t be fully awake: the carpet felt moist underfoot. His skull felt soft and porous, no protection at all for his mind. He had to have the notebook. Shouldering the door aside, he strode blindly into the room.
The light which dangled spiderlike from the central plaster flower ------------------------------------290 showed him the notebook on a fat armchair. Had the chairs soaked up all that had been done here? If he touched them, what might well up? But there was worse in his head, which was seething. He grabbed the notebook and ran into the hall, gasping for air.
His car sounded harsh as a saw among the sleeping houses. He felt as though the neat hygienic facades had cast him out. At least he had to concentrate on his driving, and was deaf to the rest of his mind. The road through Liverpool was unnaturally bright as a playing-field. When the Mersey Tunnel closed overhead he felt that an insubstantial but suffocating burden had settled on his scalp. At last he emerged, only to plunge into darkness.
Though his sleep was free of nightmares, they were waiting whenever he jerked awake. It was as if he kept struggling out of a dark pit, having repeatedly forgotten what was at the top. Sunlight blazed through the curtains as though they were tissue paper, but couldn"t reach inside his head. Eventually, when he couldn"t bear another such awakening, he stumbled to the bathroom.
When he"d washed and shaved he still felt grimy. It must be the lack of sleep. He sat gazing over his desk. The pebble-dashed houses of Neston blazed like the cloudless sky; their outlines were knife-edged. Next door"s drain sounded like someone bubbling the last of a drink through a straw. All this was less vivid than his thoughts--but wasn"t that as it should be?
An hour later he still hadn"t written a word. The nightmares were crowding everything else out of his mind. Even to think required an effort that made his skin feel infested, swarming.
A random insight saved him. Mightn"t it solve both his problems if he wrote the nightmares down? Since he"d had them in the house in West Derby--since he felt they had somehow been produced by the house-- couldn"t he discuss them in his book?
He scribbled them out until his tired eyes closed. When he reread what he"d written he grew feverishly ashamed. How could he imagine such things? If anything was obscene, they were. Nothing could have made him write down the idea which he"d left until last. Though he was tempted to tear up the notebook, he stuffed it out of sight at the back of a drawer and hurried out to forget.
He sat on the edge of the promenade and gazed across the Dee marshes. Heat-haze made the Welsh hills look like piles of smoke. Families strolled as though this were still a watering-place; children played carefully, inhibited ------------------------------------291 by parents. The children seemed wary of Miles; perhaps they sensed his tension, saw how his fingers were digging into his thighs. He must write the book soon, to prove that he could.
Ranks of pebble-dashed houses, street after street of identical Siamese twins, marched him home. They reminded him of cells in a single organism. He wouldn"t starve if he didn"t write--not for a while, at any rate--but he felt uneasy whenever he had to dip into his savings; their un.o.btrusive growth was rea.s.suring, a talisman of success. He missed his street and had to walk back. Even then he had to peer twice at the street name before he was sure it was his.
He sat in the living-room, too exhausted to make himself dinner. Van Gogh landscapes, frozen in the instant before they became unbearably intense, throbbed on the walls. Shelves of Miles"s novels reminded him of how he"d lost momentum. The last nightmare was still demanding to be written, until he forced it into the depths of his mind. He would rather have no ideas than that.
When he woke, the nightmare had left him. He felt enervated but clean. He lit up his watch and found he"d slept for hours. It was time for the book programme. He"d switched on the television and was turning on the light when he heard his voice at the far end of the room, in the dark.
He was on television, but that was hardly rea.s.suring; his one television interview wasn"t due to be broadcast for months. It was as though he"d slept that time away. His face floated up from the grey of the screen as he sat down, cursing. By the time his book was published, n.o.body would remember this interview.
The linkman and the editing had invoked another writer now. Good G.o.d, was that all they were using of Miles? He remembered the cameras following him into the West Derby house, the neighbours glaring, shaking their heads. It was as though they"d managed to censor him, after all.
No, here he was again. "Jonathan Miles is a crime novelist who feels he can no longer rely on his imagination. Desperate for new ideas, he lived for several weeks in a house where, last year, a murder was committed." Miles was already losing his temper, but there was worse to come: they"d used none of his observations about the creative process, only the sequence in which he ushered the camera about the house like Hitchc.o.c.k in the Psycho Psycho trailer. Viewers who find this distasteful," the linkman said unctuously, "may be rea.s.sured to hear that the murder in question is not so topical or popular as Mr Miles seems to think." trailer. Viewers who find this distasteful," the linkman said unctuously, "may be rea.s.sured to hear that the murder in question is not so topical or popular as Mr Miles seems to think."
Miles glared at the screen while the programme came to an end, while an ------------------------------------292 announcer explained that "Where Do You Get Your Ideas?" had been broadcast ahead of schedule because of an industrial dispute. And now here was the news, all of it as bad as Miles felt. A child had been murdered, said a headline; a Chief Constable had described it as the worst case of his career. Miles felt guiltily resentful; no doubt it would help distract people from his book.
Then he sat forward, gaping. Surely he must have misheard; perhaps his insomnia was talking. The newsreader looked unreal as a talking bust, but his voice went on, measured, concerned, inexorable. "The baby was found in a microwave oven. Neighbours broke into the house on hearing the cries, but were unable to locate it in time." Even worse than the scene he was describing was the fact that it was the last of Miles"s nightmares, the one he had refused to write down.
Couldn"t it have been a coincidence? Coincidence, coincidence, the train chattered, and seemed likely to do so all the way to London. If he had somehow been able to predict what was going to happen, he didn"t want to know--especially not now, when he could sense new nightmares forming.
He suppressed them before they grew clear. He needed to keep his mind uncluttered for the meeting with his publisher; he gazed out of the window, to relax. Trees turned as they pa.s.sed, unravelling beneath foliage. On a platform a chorus line of commuters bent to their luggage, one by one. The train drew the sun after it through clouds, like a balloon.
Once out of Euston Station and its random patterns of swarming, he strolled to the publishers. Buildings glared like blocks of salt, which seemed to have drained all moisture from the air. He felt hot and grimy, anxious both to face the worst and to delay. Hugo Burgess had been ominously casual. "If you happen to be in London soon we might have a chat about things. ...8 A receptionist on a dais that overlooked the foyer kept Miles waiting until he began to sweat. Eventually a lift produced Hugo, smiling apologetically. Was he apologising in advance for what he had to say? "I suppose you saw yourself on television," he said when they reached his office.
"Yes, I"m afraid so."
"I shouldn"t give it another thought. The telly people are envious b.u.g.g.e.rs. They begrudge every second they give to discussing books. Sometimes I think they resent the compet.i.tion and get their own back by being patronising." He was pawing through the heaps of books and papers on his desk, apparently in search of the phone. "It did occur to me that it would be nice to publish fairly soon," he murmured. ------------------------------------293 Miles hadn"t realised that sweat could break out in so many places at once. "I"ve run into some problems."
Burgess was peering at items he had rediscovered in the heaps. "Yes?" he said without looking up.
Miles summarised his new idea clumsily. Should he have written to Burgess in advance? "I found there simply wasn"t enough material in the West Derby case," he pleaded.
"Well, we certainly don"t want padding." When Burgess eventually glanced up he looked encouraging. "The more facts we can offer the better. I think the public is outgrowing fantasy, now that we"re well and truly in the scientific age. People want to feel informed. Writing needs to be as accurate as any other science, don"t you think?" He hauled a glossy pamphlet out of one of the piles. "Yes, here it is. I"d call this the last gasp of fantasy."
It was a painting, lovingly detailed and photographically realistic, of a girl who was being simultaneously mutilated and raped. It proved to be the cover of a new magazine, Ghastly. Ghastly. Within the pamphlet the editor promised "a quarterly that will wipe out the old horror pulps--everything they didn"t dare to be." Within the pamphlet the editor promised "a quarterly that will wipe out the old horror pulps--everything they didn"t dare to be."
"It won"t last," Burgess said. "Most people are embarra.s.sed to admit to reading fantasy now, and that will only make them more so. The book you"re planning is more what they want--something they know is true. That way they don"t feel they"re indulging themselves." He disinterred the phone at last. "Just let me call a car and we"ll go into the West End for lunch."
Afterwards they continued drinking in Hugo"s club. Miles thought Hugo was trying to midwife the book. Later he dined alone, then lingered for a while in the hotel bar; his spotlessly impersonal room had made him feel isolated. Over the incessant trickle of muzak he kept hearing Burgess. "I wonder how soon you"ll be able to let me have sample chapters. ...8 Next morning he was surprised how refreshed he felt, especially once he"d taken a shower. Over lunch he unburdened himself to his agent. "I just don"t know when I"ll be able to deliver the book. I don"t know how much research may be involved."
"Now look, you mustn"t worry about Hugo. I"ll speak to him. I know he won"t mind waiting if he knows it"s for the good of the book." Susie Barker patted his hand; her bangles sounded like silver castanets. "Now here"s an idea for you. Why don"t you do up a sample chapter or two on the West Derby case? That way we"ll keep Hugo happy, and I"ll do my best to sell it as an article."
When they"d kissed good-bye Miles strolled along the Charing Cross ------------------------------------294 Road, composing the chapter in his head and looking for himself in bookshop displays. Miles, Miles, books said in a window stacked with crime novels. night of atrocities, headlines cried on an adjacent newspaper-stand.
He dodged into Foyle"s. That was better: he occupied half a shelf, though his earliest t.i.tles looked faded and dusty. When he emerged he was content to drift with the rush-hour crowds--until a news-vendor"s placard stopped him. Britain"s night of horror, it said.
It didn"t matter, it had nothing to do with him. In that case, why couldn"t he find out what had happened? He didn"t need to buy a paper, he could read the report as the news-vendor s.n.a.t.c.hed the top copy to reveal the same beneath. "Last night was Britain"s worst night of murders in living memory. ...8 Before he"d read halfway down the column the noise of the crowd seemed to close in, to grow incomprehensible and menacing. The newsprint was s.n.a.t.c.hed away again and again like a macabre card trick. He sidled away from the newsstand as though from the scene of a crime, but already he"d recognised every detail. If he hadn"t repressed them on the way to London he could have written the reports himself. He even knew what the newspaper had omitted to report: that one of the victims had been forced to eat parts of herself.
Weeks later the newspapers were still in an uproar. Though the moderates pointed out that the murders had been unrelated and unmotivated, committed by people with no previous history of violence or of any kind of crime, for most of the papers that only made it worse. They used the most unpleasant photographs of the criminals that they could find, and presented the crimes as evidence of the impotence of the law, of a total collapse of standards. Opinion polls declared that the majority was in favour of an immediate return of the death penalty, "men like these must not go unpunished," a headline said, pretending it was quoting. Miles grew hot with frustration and guilt--for he felt he could have prevented the crimes.
All too soon after he"d come back from London, the nightmares had returned. His mind had already felt raw from brooding, and he had been unable to resist; he"d known only that he must get rid of them somehow. They were worse than the others: more urgent, more appalling.
He"d scribbled them out as though he was inspired, then he"d glared blindly at the blackened page. It hadn"t been enough. The seething in his head, the crawling of his scalp, had not been relieved even slightly. This time he had to develop the ideas, imagine them fully, or they would cling and fester in his mind.
He"d spent the day and half the night writing, drinking tea until he hardly ------------------------------------295 knew what he was doing. He"d invented character after character, building them like Frankenstein out of fragments of people, only to subject them to gloatingly prolonged atrocities, both the victims and the perpetrators.
When he"d finished, his head felt like an empty rusty can. He might have vomited if he had been able to stand. His gaze had fallen on a paragraph he"d written, and he"d swept the pages onto the floor, snarling with disgust. "Next morning he couldn"t remember what he"d done--but when he reached in his pocket and touched the soft object his hand came out covered with blood. ...8 He"d stumbled across the landing to his bedroom, desperate to forget his ravings. When he"d woken next morning he had been astonished to find that he"d fallen asleep as soon as he had gone to bed. As he"d lain there, feeling purged, an insight so powerful it was impossible to doubt had seized him. If he hadn"t written out these things they would have happened in reality.
But he had written them out: they were no longer part of him. In fact they had never been so, however they had felt. That made him feel cleaner, absolved him of responsibility. He stuffed the sloganeering newspapers into the wastebasket and arranged his desk for work.
By G.o.d, there was nothing so enjoyable as feeling ready to write. While a pot of tea brewed he strolled about the house and revelled in the sunlight, his release from the nightmares, his surge of energy. Next door a man with a beard of shaving foam dodged out of sight, like a timid Santa Claus.
Miles had composed the first paragraph before he sat down to write, a trick that always helped him write more fluently--but a week later he was still struggling to get the chapter into publishable shape. All that he found crucial about his research--the idea that by staying in the West Derby house he had tapped a source of utter madness, which had probably caused the original murder--he"d had to suppress. Why, if he said any of that in print they would think he was mad himself. Indeed, once he"d thought of writing it, it no longer seemed convincing.
When he could no longer bear the sight of the article, he typed a fresh copy and sent it to Susie. She called the following day, which seemed encouragingly quick. Had he been so aware of what he was failing to write that he hadn"t noticed what he"d achieved?
"Well, Jonathan, I have to say this," she said as soon as she"d greeted him. It isn"t up to your standard. Frankly, I think you ought to sc.r.a.p it and start again."
"Oh." After a considerable pause he could think of nothing to say except "All right."
"You sound exhausted. Perhaps that"s the trouble." When he didn"t answer ------------------------------------296 she said "You listen to your Auntie Susie. Forget the whole thing for a fortnight and go away on holiday. You"ve been driving yourself too hard--you looked tired the last time I saw you. I"ll explain to Hugo, and I"ll see if I can"t talk up the article you"re going to write when you come back."
She chatted rea.s.suringly for a while, then left him staring at the phone. He was realising how much he"d counted on selling the article. Apart from royalties, which never amounted to as much as he expected, when had he last had the rea.s.surance of a cheque? He couldn"t go on holiday, for he would feel he hadn"t earned it; if he spent the time worrying about the extravagance, that would be no holiday at all.
But wasn"t he being unfair to himself? Weren"t there stories he could sell?
He turned the idea over gingerly in his mind, as though something might crawl out from beneath--but really, he could see no arguments against it. Writing out the nightmares had drained them of power; they were just stories now. As he dialled Hugo"s number, to ask him for the address of the magazine, he was already thinking up a pseudonym for himself.
For a fortnight he walked around Anglesey. Everything was hallucinatorily intense: beyond cracks in the island"s gra.s.sy coastline, the sea glittered as though crystallising and shattering; across the sea, Welsh hills and mist appeared to be creating each other. Beaches were composed of rocks like brown crusty loaves decorated with sh.e.l.ls. Anemones unfurled deep in gla.s.sy pools. When night fell he lay on a slab of rock and watched the stars begin to swarm.
As he strolled he was improving the chapters in his mind, now that the first version had clarified his themes. He wrote the article in three days, and was sure it was publishable. Not only was it the fullest description yet of the murder, but he"d managed to explain the way the neighbours had behaved: they"d needed to dramatise their repudiation of all that had been done in the house, they"d used him as a scapegoat to cast out, to proclaim that it had nothing to do with them.
When he"d sent the ma.n.u.script to Susie he felt pleasantly tired. The houses of Neston grew silver in the evening, the horizon was turning to ash. Once the room was so dark that he couldn"t read, he went to bed. As he drifted towards sleep he heard next door"s drain bubbling to itself.
But what was causing bubbles to form in the greyish substance that resembled fluid less than flesh? They were slower and thicker than tar, and took longer to form. Their source was rushing upwards to confront him face to face. The surface was quivering, ready to erupt, when he awoke.
He felt hot and grimy, and somehow ashamed. The dream had been a ------------------------------------297 distortion of the last thing he"d heard, that was all; surely it wouldn"t prevent him from sleeping. A moment later he was clinging to it desperately; its dreaminess was comforting, and it was preferable by far to the ideas that were crowding into his mind. He knew now why he felt grimy.
He couldn"t lose himself in sleep; the nightmares were embedded there, minute, precise, and appalling. When he switched on the light it seemed to isolate him. Night had bricked up all the windows. He couldn"t bear to be alone with the nightmares--but there was only one way to be rid of them.
The following night he woke having fallen asleep at his desk. His last line met his eyes: "Hours later he sat back on his haunches, still chewing doggedly. ...8 When he gulped the lukewarm tea it tasted rusty as blood. His surroundings seemed remote, and he could regain them only by purging his mind. His task wasn"t even half-finished. His eyes felt like dusty pebbles. The pen jerked in his hand, spattering the page.
Next morning Susie rang, wrenching him awake at his desk. "Your article is tremendous. I"m sure we"ll do well with it. Now I wonder if you can let me have a chapter breakdown of the rest of the book to show Hugo?"
Miles was fully awake now, and appalled by what had happened in his mind while he had been sleeping. "No," he muttered.
"Are there any problems you"d like to tell me about?"
If only he could! But he couldn"t tell her that while he had been asleep, having nearly discharged his task, a new crowd of nightmares had gathered in his mind and were clamouring to be written. Perhaps now they would never end.
"Come and see me if it would help," Susie said.
How could he, when his mind was screaming to be purged? But if he didn"t force himself to leave his desk, perhaps he never would. "All right," he said dully. "I"ll come down tomorrow."
When tomorrow came it meant only that he could switch off his desklamp; he was nowhere near finishing. He barely managed to find a seat on the train, which was crowded with football fans. Opened beer cans spat; the air grew rusty with the smell of beer. The train emerged roaring from a tunnel, but Miles was still in his own, which was far darker and more oppressive. Around him they were chanting football songs, which sounded distant as a waveband buried in static. He wrote under cover of his briefcase, so that n.o.body would glimpse what he was writing.
Though he still hadn"t finished when he reached London, he no longer cared. The chatter of the wheels, the incessant chanting, the pounding of blood and nightmares in his skull, had numbed him. He sat for a while in Euston. The white tiles glared like ice, a huge voice loomed above him. ------------------------------------298 As soon as she saw him Susie demanded "Have you seen a doctor?"
Even a psychiatrist couldn"t help him. "I"ll be all right," he said, hiding behind a bright false smile.
"I"ve thought of some possibilities for your book," she said over lunch. "What about that house in Edinburgh where almost the same murder was committed twice, fifty years apart? The man who did the second always said he hadn"t known about the first. ...8 She obviously hoped to revive him with ideas--but the nightmare which was replaying itself, endless as a loop of film, would let nothing else into his skull. The victim had managed to tear one hand free and was trying to protect herself.
"And isn"t there the lady in Sutton who collected bricks from the scenes of crimes? She was meaning to use them to build a miniature Black Museum. She ought to be worth tracing," Susie said as the man seized the flailing hand by its wrist. "And then if you want to extend the scope of the book there"s the mother of the Meathook Murder victims, who still gets letters pretending to be from her children."
The man had captured the wrist now. Slowly and deliberately, with a grin that looked pale as a crack in clay, he--Miles was barely able to swallow; his head, and every sound in the restaurant, was pounding. "They sound like good ideas," he mumbled, to shut Susie up.
Back at her office, a royalty fee had arrived. She wrote him a cheque at once, as though that might cure him. As he slipped it into his briefcase, she caught sight of the notebooks in which he"d written on the train. "Are they something I can look at?" she said.
His surge of guilt was so intense that it was panic. "No, it"s nothing, it"s just something, no," he stammered.
Hours later he was walking. Men loitered behind boys playing pinball; the machines flashed like fireworks, splashing the men"s masks. Addicts were gathering outside the all-night chemist"s on Piccadilly; in the subterranean Gents", a starved youth washed blood from a syringe. Off Regent Street, Soho glared like an amus.e.m.e.nt arcade. On Oxford Street figures in expensive dresses, their bald heads gleaming, gestured broken-wristed in windows.
He had no idea why he was walking. Was he hoping the crowds would distract him? Was that why he peered at their faces, more and more desperately? n.o.body looked at all rea.s.suring. Women were perfect as corpses, men seemed to glow with concealed aggression; some were dragons, their mouths full of smoke.
He"d walked past the girl before he reacted. Gasping, he struggled through ------------------------------------299 a knot of people on the corner of Dean Street and dashed across, against the lights. In the moments before she realised that he"d dodged ahead of her and was staring, he saw her bright quick eyes, the delicate web of veins beneath them, the freckles that peppered the bridge of her nose, the pulsing of blood in her neck. She was so intensely present to him that it was appalling.
Then she stepped aside, annoyed by him, whatever he was. He reached out, but couldn"t quite seize her arm. He had to stop her somehow. "Don"t," he cried.
At that, she fled. He"d started after her when two policemen blocked his path. Perhaps they hadn"t noticed him, perhaps they wouldn"t grab him-- but it was too late; she was lost in the Oxford Street crowd. He turned and ran, fleeing back to his hotel.
As soon as he reached his room he began writing. His head felt stuffed with hot ash. He was scribbling so fast that he hardly knew what he was saying. How much time did he have? His hand was cramped and shaking, his writing was surrounded by a spittle of ink.
He was halfway through a sentence when, quite without warning, his mind went blank. His pen was clawing spasmodically at the page, but the urgency had gone; the nightmare had left him. He lay in the anonymous bed in the dark, hoping he was wrong.
In the morning he went down to the lobby as late as he could bear. The face of the girl he"d seen in Oxford Street stared up at him from a newspaper. In the photograph her eyes looked dull and reproachful, though perhaps they seemed so only to him. He fled upstairs without reading the report. He already knew more than the newspaper would have been able to tell.
Eventually he went home to Neston. It didn"t matter where he went; the nightmares would find him. He was an outcast from surrounding reality. He was focused inwards on his raw wound of a mind, waiting for the next outbreak of horrors to infest him.
Next day he sat at his desk. The sunlit houses opposite glared back like empty pages. Even to think of writing made his skin p.r.i.c.kle. He went walking, but it was no good: beyond the marshes, factories coughed into the sky; gra.s.s-blades whipped the air like razors; birds swooped, shrieking knives with wings. The sunlight seemed violent and pitiless, vampirising the landscape.
There seemed no reason why the nightmares should ever stop. Either he would be forced to write them out, to involve himself more and more deeply in them, or they would be acted out in reality. In any case he was at their mercy; there was nothing he could do. ------------------------------------300 But wasn"t he avoiding the truth? It hadn"t been coincidence that had given him the chance he"d missed in Oxford Street. Perhaps he had been capable of intervention all along, if he had only known. However dismaying the responsibility was, surely it was preferable to helplessness. His glimpse in Oxford Street had made all the victims unbearably human.
He sat waiting. Pale waves snaked across the surface of the gra.s.s; in the heat-haze they looked as though water was welling up from the marshes. His scalp felt shrunken, but that was only nervousness and the storm that was clotting overhead. When eventually the clouds moved on, unbroken, they left a sediment of twilight that clung to him as he trudged home.
No, it was more than that. His skin felt grimy, unclean. The nightmares were close. He hurried to let his car out of the garage, then he sat like a private detective in the driver"s seat outside his house. His hands clenched on the steering wheel. His head began to crawl, to swarm.
He mustn"t be trapped into self-disgust. He reminded himself that the nightmares weren"t coming from him, and forced his mind to grasp them, to be guided by them. Shame made him feel coated in hot grease. When at last the car coasted forward, was it acting out his urge to flee? Should he follow that street sign, or that one?
Just as the signs grew meaningless because he"d stared too long, he knew which way to go. His instincts had been waiting to take hold, and they were urgent now. He drove through the lampless streets, where lit curtains cut rectangles from the night, and out into the larger dark.
He found he was heading for Chester. Trees beside the road were giant scarecrows, brandishing tattered foliage. Grey clouds crawled grublike across the sky; he could hardly distinguish them from the crawling in his skull. He was desperate to purge his mind.
Roman walls loomed between the timber buildings of Chester, which were black and white as the moon. A few couples were window-shopping along the enclosed rows above the streets. On the bridge that crossed the main street, a clock perched like a moon-faced bird. Miles remembered a day when he"d walked by the river, boats pa.s.sing slowly as clouds, a bra.s.s band on a small bandstand playing "Blow the Wind Southerly." How could the nightmare take place here?
It could, for it was urging him deeper into the city. He was driving so fast through the spotless streets that he almost missed the police station. Its blue sign drew him aside. That was where he must go. Somehow he had to persuade them that he knew where a crime was taking place.
He was still yards away from the police station when his foot faltered on ------------------------------------301 the accelerator. The car shuddered and tried to jerk forward, but that was no use. The nearer he came to the police station, the weaker his instinct became. Was it being suppressed by his nervousness? Whatever the reason, he could guide n.o.body except himself.
As soon as he turned the car the urgency seized him. It was agonising now. It rushed him out of the centre of Chester, into streets of small houses and shops that looked dusty as furniture shoved out of sight in an attic. They were deserted except for a man in an ankle-length overcoat, who limped by like a sack with a head.
Miles stamped on the brake as the car pa.s.sed the mouth of an alley. s.n.a.t.c.hing the keys, he slammed the door and ran into the alley, between two shops whose posters looked ancient and faded as Victorian photographs. The walls of the alley were chunks of spiky darkness above which cramped windows peered, but he didn"t need to see to know where he was going.
He was shocked to find how slowly he had to run, how out of condition he was. His lungs seemed to be filling with lumps of rust, his throat was sc.r.a.ped raw. He was less running than staggering forward. Amid the uproar of his senses, it took him a while to feel that he was too late.
He halted as best he could. His feet slithered on the uneven flagstones, his hands clawed at the walls. As soon as he began to listen he wished he had not. Ahead in the dark, there was a faint incessant shriek that seemed to be trying to emerge from more than one mouth. He knew there was only one victim.
Before long he made out a dark object further down the alley. In fact it was two objects, one of which lay on the flagstones while the other rose to its feet, a dull gleam in its hand. A moment later the figure with the gleam was fleeing, its footsteps flapping like wings between the close walls.
The shrieking had stopped. The dark object lay still. Miles forced himself forward, to see what he"d failed to prevent. As soon as he"d glimpsed it he staggered away, choking back a scream.
He"d achieved nothing except to delay writing out the rest of the horrors. They were breeding faster in his skull, which felt as though it was cracking. He drove home blindly. The hedgerows and the night had merged into a dark ma.s.s that spilled towards the road, smudging its edges. Perhaps he might crash--but he wasn"t allowed that relief, for the nightmares were herding him back to his desk.
The scratching of his pen, and a low half-articulate moaning which he recognised sometimes as his voice, kept him company. Next day the snap of ------------------------------------302 the letter-box made him drop his pen; otherwise he might not have been able to force himself away from the desk.
The package contained the first issue of Ghastly. Ghastly. "Hope you like it," the editor gushed. "It"s already been banned in some areas, which has helped sales no end. You"ll see we announce your stories as coming attractions, and we look forward to publishing them." On the cover the girl was still writhing, but the contents were far worse. Miles had read only a paragraph when he tore the glossy pages into shreds. "Hope you like it," the editor gushed. "It"s already been banned in some areas, which has helped sales no end. You"ll see we announce your stories as coming attractions, and we look forward to publishing them." On the cover the girl was still writhing, but the contents were far worse. Miles had read only a paragraph when he tore the glossy pages into shreds.
How could anyone enjoy reading that? The pebble-dashed houses of Neston gleamed innocently back at him. Who knew what his neighbours read behind their locked doors? Perhaps in time some of them would gloat over his p.o.r.nographic horrors, rea.s.suring themselves that this was only horror fiction, not p.o.r.nography at all: just as he"d rea.s.sured himself that they were only stories now, nothing to do with reality--certainly nothing to do with him, the pseudonym said so-- The Neston houses gazed back at him, self-confident and bland: they looked as convinced of their innocence as he was trying to feel--and all at once he knew where the nightmares were coming from.
He couldn"t see how that would help him. Before he"d begun to suffer from his writer"s block, there had been occasions when a story had surged up from his unconscious and demanded to be written. Those stories had been products of his own mind, yet he couldn"t shake them off except by writing--but now he was suffering nightmares on behalf of the world.