No wonder they were so terrible, or that they were growing worse. If material repressed into the unconscious was bound to erupt in some less manageable form, how much more powerful that must be when the unconscious was collective! Precisely because people were unable to come to terms with the crimes, repudiated them as utterly inhuman or simply unimaginable, the horrors would reappear in a worse form and possess whomever they pleased. He remembered thinking that the patterns of life in the tower blocks had something to do with the West Derby murder. They had, of course. Everything had.
And now the repressions were focused in him. There was no reason why they should ever leave him; on the contrary, they seemed likely to grow more numerous and more peremptory. Was he releasing them by writing them out, or was the writing another form of repudiation?
One was still left in his brain. It felt like a boil in his skull. Suddenly he knew that he wasn"t equal to writing it out, whatever else might happen. Had his imagination burned out at last? He would be content never to write ------------------------------------303 another word. It occurred to him that the book he"d discussed with Hugo was just another form of rejection: knowing you were reading about real people rea.s.sured you they were other than yourself.
He slumped at his desk. He was a burden of flesh that felt encrusted with grit. Nothing moved except the festering nightmare in his head. Unless he got rid of it somehow, it felt as though it would never go away. He"d failed twice to intervene in reality, but need he fail again? If he succeeded, was it possible that might change things for good?
He was at the front door when the phone rang. Was it Susie? If she knew what was filling his head, she would never want to speak to him again. He left the phone ringing in the dark house and fled to his car.
The pain in his skull urged him through the dimming fields and villages to Birkenhead, where it seemed to abandon him. Not that it had faded--his mind felt like an abscessed tooth--but it was no longer able to guide him. Was something anxious to prevent him from reaching his goal?
The bare streets of warehouses and factories and terraces went on for miles, brick-red slabs pierced far too seldom by windows. At the peak hour the town centre grew black with swarms of people, the Mersey Tunnel drew in endless sluggish segments of cars. He drove jerkily, staring at faces.
Eventually he left the car in Hamilton Square, overlooked by insurance offices caged by railings, and trudged towards the docks. Except for his footsteps, the streets were deserted. Perhaps the agony would be cured before he arrived wherever he was going. He was beyond caring what that implied.
It was dark now. At the end of rows of houses whose doors opened onto cracked pavements he saw docked ships, glaring metal mansions. Beneath the iron mesh of swing bridges, a sc.u.m of neon light floated on the oily water. Sunken rails snagged his feet. In pubs on street corners he heard tribes of dockers, a sullen wordless roar that sounded like a warning. Out here the moan of a ship on the Irish Sea was the only voice he heard.
When at last he halted, he had no idea where he was. The pavement on which he was walking was eaten away by rubbly ground; he could smell collapsed buildings. A roofless house stood like a rotten tooth, lit by a single streetlamp harsh as lightning. Streets still led from the opposite pavement, and despite the ache--which had aborted nearly all his thoughts--he knew that the street directly opposite was where he must go.
There was silence. Everything was yet to happen. The lull seemed to give him a brief chance to think. Suppose he managed to prevent it? Repressing the ideas of the crimes only made them erupt in a worse form--how much worse might it be to repress the crimes themselves? ------------------------------------304 Nevertheless he stepped forward. Something had to cure him of his agony. He stayed on the treacherous pavement of the side street, for the roadway was skinless, a ma.s.s of bricks and mud. Houses pressed close to him, almost forcing him into the road. Where their doors and windows ought to be were patches of new brick. The far end of the street was impenetrably dark.
When he reached it, he saw why. A wall at least ten feet high was built flush against the last houses. Peering upwards, he made out the glint of broken gla.s.s. He was closed in by the wall and the plugged houses, in the midst of desolation.
Without warning--quite irrelevantly, it seemed--he remembered something he"d read about years ago while researching a novel: the Mosaic ritual of the Day of Atonement. They"d driven out the scapegoat, burdened with all the sins of the people, into the wilderness. Another goat had been sacrificed. The images chafed together in his head; he couldn"t grasp their meaning-- and then he realised why there was so much room for them in his mind. The aching nightmare was fading.
At once he was unable to turn away from the wall, for he was atrociously afraid. He knew why this nightmare could not have been acted out without him. Along the bricked-up street he heard footsteps approaching.
When he risked a glance over his shoulder, he saw that there were two figures. Their faces were blacked out by the darkness, but the glints in their hands were sharp. He was trying to claw his way up the wall, though already his lungs were labouring. Everything was over--the sleepless nights, the poison in his brain, the nightmare of responsibility--but he knew that while he would soon not be able to scream, it would take him much longer to die. ------------------------------------305
Down There
"Hurry along there," Steve called as the girls trooped down the office. "Last one tonight. Mind the doors." one tonight. Mind the doors."
The girls smiled at Elaine as they pa.s.sed her desk, but their smiles meant different things: just like you to make things more difficult for the rest of us, looks like you"ve been kept in after school, suppose you"ve nothing better to do, fancy having to put up with him by yourself. She didn"t give a d.a.m.n what they thought of her. No doubt they earned enough without working overtime, since all they did with their money was squander it on makeup and new clothes.
She only wished Steve wouldn"t make a joke of everything: even the lifts, one of which had broken down entirely after sinking uncontrollably to the bottom of the shaft all day. She was glad that hadn"t happened to her, even though she gathered the subbas.e.m.e.nt was no longer so disgusting. Still, the surviving lift had rid her of everyone now, including Mr Williams the union representative, who"d tried the longest to persuade her not to stay. He still hadn"t forgiven the union for accepting a temporary move to this building; perhaps he was taking it out on her. Well, he"d gone now, into the November night and rain.
It had been raining all day. The warehouses outside the windows looked like melting chocolate; the river and the ca.n.a.ls were opaque with tangled ripples. Cottages and terraces, some of them derelict, crowded up the steep hills towards the disused mines. Through the skeins of water on the gla.s.s their infrequent lights looked shaky as candle-flames.
She was safe from all that, in the long office above five untenanted floors and two bas.e.m.e.nts. Ranks of filing cabinets stuffed with blue Inland Revenue files divided the office down the middle; smells of dust and old paper hung in the air. Beneath a fluttering fluorescent tube protruding files drowsed, jerked awake. Through the steamy window above an unquenchable radiator, she could just make out the frame where the top section of the fire-escape should be. ------------------------------------306 "Are you feeling exploited?" Steve said.
He"d heard Mr Williams"s parting shot, calling her the employers" weapon against solidarity. "No, certainly not." She wished he would let her be quiet for a while. "I"m feeling hot" she said.
"Yes, it is a bit much." He stood up, mopping his forehead theatrically. "I"ll go and sort out Mr Tuttle."
She doubted that he would find the caretaker, who was no doubt hidden somewhere with a bottle of cheap rum. At least he tried to hide his drinking, which was more than one could say for the obese half-chewed sandwiches he left on windowsills, in the room where tea was brewed, even once on someone"s desk.
She turned idly to the window behind her chair and watched the indicator in the lobby counting down. Steve had reached the bas.e.m.e.nt now. The letter B B flickered, then brightened: he"d gone down to the subbas.e.m.e.nt, which had been meant to be kept secret from the indicator and from everyone except the holder of the key. Perhaps the finding of the cache down there had encouraged Mr Tuttle to be careless with food. flickered, then brightened: he"d gone down to the subbas.e.m.e.nt, which had been meant to be kept secret from the indicator and from everyone except the holder of the key. Perhaps the finding of the cache down there had encouraged Mr Tuttle to be careless with food.
She couldn"t help growing angry. If the man who had built these offices had had so much money, why hadn"t he put it to better use? The offices had been merely a disguise for the subbas.e.m.e.nt, which was to have been his refuge. What had he feared? War, revolution, a nuclear disaster? All anyone knew was that he"d spent the months before he had been certified insane in smuggling food down there. He"d wasted all that food, left it there to rot, and he"d had no thought for the people who would have to work in the offices: no staircases, a fire-escape that fell apart when someone tried to paint it-- but she was beginning to sound like Mr Williams, and there was no point in brooding.
The numbers were counting upwards, slow as a child"s first sum. Eventually Steve appeared, the solution. "No sign of him," he said. "He"s somewhere communing with alcohol, I expect. Most of the lights are off, which doesn"t help."
That sounded like one of Mr Tuttle"s ruses. "Did you go right down?" she said. "What"s it like down there?"
"Huge. They say it"s much bigger than any of the floors. You could play two football games at once in there." Was he exaggerating? His face was bland as a silent comedian"s except for raised eyebrows. "They left the big doors open when they cleaned it up. If there were any lights I reckon you could see for miles. I"m only surprised it didn"t cut into one of the sewers."
"I shouldn"t think it could be any more smelly." ------------------------------------307 "It still reeks a bit, that"s true. Do you want a look? Shall I take you down?" When he dodged towards her, as though to carry her away, she sat forward rigidly and held the arms of her chair against the desk. "No thank you," she said, though she"d felt a start of delicious apprehension.
"Did you ever hear what was supposed to have happened while they were cleaning up all the food? Tuttle told me, if you can believe him." She didn"t want to hear; Mr Tuttle had annoyed her enough for one day. She leafed determinedly through a file, until Steve went up the office to his desk.
For a while she was able to concentrate. The sounds of the office merged into a background discreet as muzak: the rustle of papers, the rushes of the wind, the buzz of the defective fluorescent like an insect trying to b.u.mble its way out of the tube. She manoeuvred files across her desk. This man was going to be happy, since they owed him money. This fellow wasn"t, since he owed them some.
But the thought of the food had settled on her like the heat. Only this morning, in the room where the tea-urn stood, she"d found an ancient packet of Mr Tuttle"s sandwiches in the waste-bin. No doubt the packet was still there, since the cleaners were refusing to work until the building was made safe. She seemed unable to rid herself of the memory.
No, it wasn"t a memory she was smelling, As she glanced up, wrinkling her nostrils, she saw that Steve was doing so too. "Tuttle," he said, grimacing.
As though he"d given a cue, they heard movement on the floor below. Someone was dragging a wet cloth across linoleum. Was the caretaker doing the cleaners" job? More likely he"d spilled a bottle and was trying to wipe away the evidence. "I"ll get him this time," Steve said, and ran towards the lobby.
Was he making too much noise? The soft moist dragging on the floor below had ceased. The air seemed thick with heat and dust and the stench of food; when she lit a cigarette, the smoke loomed reprovingly above her. She opened the thin louvres at the top of the nearest window, but that brought no relief. There was nothing else for it; she opened the window that gave onto the s.p.a.ce where the fire-escape should be.
It was almost too much for her. A gust of rain dashed in, drenching her face while she clung to the handle. The window felt capable of smashing wide, of s.n.a.t.c.hing her out into the storm. She managed to anchor the bar to the sill, and leaned out into the night to let the rain wash away the smell.
Nine feet below her she could see the fifth-floor platform of the fire-escape, its iron mesh slippery and streaming. The iron stairs that hung from it, poised to swing down to the next platform, seemed to dangle into a deep ------------------------------------308 pit of rain whose sides were incessantly collapsing. The thought of having to jump to the platform made her flinch back; she could imagine herself losing her footing, slithering off into s.p.a.ce.
She was about to close the window, for the flock of papers on her desk had begun to flap, when she glimpsed movement in the unlit warehouse opposite and just below her. She was reminded of a maggot, writhing in food. Of course, that was because she was glimpsing it through the warehouse windows, small dark holes. It was reflected from her building, which was why it looked so large and puffily vague. It must be Mr Tuttle, for as it moved, she heard a scuffling below her, retreating from the lifts.
She"d closed the window by the time Steve returned. "You didn"t find him, did you? Never mind," she said, for he was frowning.
Did he feel she was spying on him? At once his face grew blank. Perhaps he resented her knowing, first that he"d gone down to the subbas.e.m.e.nt, now that he"d been outwitted. When he sat at his desk at the far end of the office, the emptiness between them felt like a rebuff. "Do you fancy some tea?" she said, to placate him.
"I"ll make it. A special treat." He jumped up at once and strode to the lobby.
Why was he so eager? Five minutes later, as she leafed through someone"s private life, she wondered if he meant to creep up on her, if that was the joke he had been planning behind his mask. Her father had used to pounce on her to make her shriek when she was little--when he had still been able to. She turned sharply, but Steve had pulled open the doors of the out-of-work lift-shaft and was peering down, apparently listening. Perhaps it was Mr Tuttle he meant to surprise, not her.
The tea was hot and fawn, but little else. Why did it seem to taste of the lingering stench? Of course, Steve hadn"t closed the door of the room off the lobby, where Mr Tuttle"s sandwiches must still be festering. She hurried out and slammed the door with the hand that wasn"t covering her mouth.
On impulse she went to the doors of the lift-shaft where Steve had been listening. They opened easily as curtains; for a moment she was teetering on the edge. The shock blurred her vision, but she knew it wasn"t Mr Tuttle who was climbing the lift-cord like a fat pale monkey on a stick. When she screwed up her eyes and peered into the dim well, of course there was nothing.
Steve was watching her when she returned to her desk. His face was absolutely noncommittal. Was he keeping something from her--a special joke, perhaps? Here it came; he was about to speak. "How"s your father?" he said. ------------------------------------309 It sounded momentarily like a comedian"s catch-phrase. "Oh, he"s happier now," she blurted. "They"ve got a new stock of large-print books in the library."
"Is there someone who can sit with him?"
"Sometimes." The community spirit had faded once the mine owners had moved on, leaving the area honeycombed with mines, burdened with unemployment. People seemed locked into themselves, afraid of being robbed of the little they had left.
"I was wondering if he"s all right on his own."
"He"ll have to be, won"t he." She was growing angry; he was as bad as Mr Williams, reminding her of things it was no use remembering.
"I was just thinking that if you want to slope off home, I won"t tell anyone. You"ve already done more work than some of the rest of them would do in an evening."
She clenched her fists beneath the desk to hold on to her temper. He must want to leave early himself and so was trying to persuade her. No doubt he had problems of his own--perhaps they were the secret behind his face-- but he mustn"t try to make her act dishonestly. Or was he testing her? She knew so little about him. "He"ll be perfectly safe," she said. "He can always knock on the wall if he needs anyone."
Though his face stayed blank his eyes, frustrated now, gave him away. Five minutes later he was craning out of the window over the fire-escape, while Elaine pinned flapping files down with both hands. Did he really expect his date, if that was his problem, to come out on a night like this? It would be just like a man to expect her to wait outside.
The worst of it was that Elaine felt disappointed, which was absurd and infuriating. She knew perfectly well that the only reason he was working tonight was that one of the seniors had to do so. Good G.o.d, what had she expected to come of an evening alone with him? They were both in their forties--they knew what they wanted by now, which in his case was bound to be someone younger than Elaine. She hoped he and his girlfriend would be very happy. Her hands on the files were tight fists.
When he slammed the window she saw that his face was glistening. Of course it wasn"t sweat, only rain. He hurried away without looking at her, and vanished into the lift. Perhaps the girl was waiting in the doorway, unable to rouse Mr Tuttle to let her in. Elaine hoped Steve wouldn"t bring her upstairs. She would be a distraction, that was why. Elaine was here to work.
And she wasn"t about to be distracted by Steve and his attempts at jokes. She refused to turn when she heard the soft sounds by the lifts. No doubt he ------------------------------------310 was peering through the lobby window at her, waiting for her to turn and jump. Or was it his girlfriend? As Elaine reached across her desk for a file she thought that the face was pale and very fat. Elaine was d.a.m.ned if she would give her the satisfaction of being noticed--but when she tried to work she couldn"t concentrate. She turned angrily. The lobby was deserted.
In a minute she would lose her temper. She could see where he was hiding, or they were: the door of the room off the lobby was ajar. She turned away, determined to work, but the deserted office wouldn"t let her; each alley between the filing cabinets was a hiding-place, the buzz of the defective light and the fusillade of rain could hide the sound of soft footsteps. It was no longer at all funny. He was going too far.
At last he came in from the lobby, with no attempt at stealth. Perhaps he had tired of the joke. He must have been to the street door: his forehead was wet, though it didn"t look like rain. Would he go back to work now, and pretend that the urn"s room was empty? No, he must have thought of a new ruse, for he began pacing from cabinet to cabinet, glancing at files, stuffing them back into place. Was he trying to make her as impatient as he appeared to be? His quick sharp footsteps seemed to grow louder and more nerveracking, like the ticking of the clock when she was lying awake, afraid to doze off in case her father needed her. "Steve, for heaven"s sake, what"s wrong?"
He stopped in the act of pulling a file from its cabinet. He looked abashed, at a loss for words, like a schoolboy caught stealing. She couldn"t help taking pity on him; her resentment had been presumptuous. "You didn"t go down to find Mr Tuttle just now, did you?" she said, to make it easier for him.
But he looked even less at ease. "No, I didn"t. I don"t think he"s here at all. I think he left hours ago."
Why must he lie? They had both heard the caretaker on the floor below. Steve seemed determined to go on. "As a matter of fact," he said, "I"m beginning to suspect that he sneaks off home as soon as he can once the building"s empty."
He was speaking low, which annoyed her: didn"t he want his girlfriend to hear? "But there"s someone else in the building," he said.
"Oh yes," she retorted. "I"m sure there is." Why did he have to dawdle instead of coming out with the truth? He was worse than her father when he groped among his memories.
He frowned, obviously not sure how much she knew. "Whoever it is, they"re up to no good. I"ll tell you the rest once we"re out of the building. We mustn"t waste any more time."
His struggles to avoid the truth amused and irritated her. The moisture ------------------------------------311 on his forehead wasn"t rain at all. "If they"re up to no good," she said innocently, "we ought to wait until the police arrive."
"No, we"ll call the police once we"re out." He seemed to be saying anything that came into his head. How much longer could he keep his face blank? "Listen," he said, his fist crumpling the file, "I"ll tell you why Tuttle doesn"t stay here at night. The cleaners too, I think he told them. When the men were cleaning out the subbas.e.m.e.nt, some of the food disappeared overnight. You understand what that means? Someone stole a hundredweight of rotten food. The men couldn"t have cared less, they treated it as a joke, and there was no sign how anyone could have got in. But as he says, that could mean that whatever it was was clever enough to conceal the way in. Of course I thought he was drunk or joking, but now. ...8 His words hung like dust in the air. She didn"t trust herself to speak. How dare he expect her to swallow such rubbish, as if she were too stupid to know what was going on? Her reaction must have shown on her face; she had never heard him speak coldly before. "We must go immediately," he said.
Her face was blazing. "Is that an order?"
"Yes, it is. I"ll make sure you don"t lose by it." His voice grew authoritative. "I"ll call the lift while you fetch your coat."
Blind with anger, she marched to the cloakroom at the far end of the office from the lobby. As she grabbed her coat the hangers clashed together, a shrill violent sound which went some way towards expressing her feelings. Since Steve had no coat, he would be soaked. Though that gave her no pleasure, she couldn"t help smiling.
The windows were shaking with rain. In the deserted office her footsteps sounded high-pitched, nervous. No, she wasn"t on edge, only furious. She didn"t mind pa.s.sing the alleys between the cabinets, she wouldn"t deign to look, not even at the alley where a vague shadow was lurching forward; it was only the shadow of a cabinet, jerked by the defective light. She didn"t falter until she came in sight of the lobby, where there was no sign of Steve.
Had he gone without her? Was he smuggling out his girlfriend? They weren"t in the room off the lobby, which was open and empty; the overturned waste-bin seemed to demonstrate their haste. The doors of the disused lift-shaft were open too. They must have opened when Steve had called the other lift. Everything could be explained; there was no reason for her to feel that something was wrong.
But something was. Between the two lift-shafts, the call-b.u.t.ton was glowing. That could mean only one thing: the working lift hadn"t yet answered the call. There was no other exit from the lobby--but there was no sign of Steve. ------------------------------------312 When she made herself go to the disused lift-shaft, it was only in order to confirm that her thought was absurd. Clinging to the edges of the doorway, she leaned out. The lift was stranded in the subbas.e.m.e.nt, where it was very dim. At first all she could distinguish was that the trapdoor in its roof was open, though the opening was largely covered by a sack. Could anything except a sack be draped so limply? Yes, for it was Steve, his eyes like gla.s.s that was forcing their lids wide, his mouth gagged with what appeared to be a torn-off wad of dough--except that the dough had fingers and a thumb.
She was reeling, perhaps over the edge of the shaft. No, she was stumbling back into the foyer, and already less sure what she"d glimpsed. Steve was dead, and she must get out of the building; she could think of nothing else. Thank G.o.d, she need not think, for the working lift had arrived. Was there soft movement in the disused shaft, a chorus of sucking like the mouthing of a crowd of babies? Nothing could have made her look. She staggered away, between the opening doors--into total darkness.
For a moment she thought she"d stepped out into an empty well. But there was a floor underfoot; the lift"s bulb must have blown. As the door clamped shut behind her, the utter darkness closed in.
She was scrabbling at the metal wall in a frantic bid to locate the b.u.t.tons-- to open the doors, to let in some light--before she controlled herself. Which was worse: a quick descent in the darkness, or to be trapped alone on the sixth floor? In any case, she needn"t suffer the dark. Hurriedly she groped in her handbag for her lighter.
She flicked the lighter uselessly once, twice, as the lift reached the fifth floor. The sudden plunge in her guts wasn"t only shock; the lift had juddered to a halt. She flicked the lighter desperately. It had just lit when the doors hobbled open.
The fifth floor was unlit. Beyond the lobby she could see the windows of the untenanted office, swarming with rain and specks of light. The bare floor looked like a carpet of dim fog, interrupted by angular patches of greater dimness, blurred rugs of shadow. There was no sign of Mr Tuttle or whomever she"d heard from above. The doors were closing, but she wasn"t rea.s.sured: if the lift had begun to misbehave, the least it could do would be to stop at every floor.
The doors closed her in with her tiny light. Vague reflections of the flame hung on the walls and tinged the greyish metal yellow; the roof was a hovering blotch. All the lighter had achieved was to remind her how cramped the lift was. She stared at the doors, which were trembling. Was there a movement beyond them other than the outbursts of rain? ------------------------------------313 When the doors parted, she retreated a step. The fourth floor was a replica of the fifth--bare floors colourless with dimness, windows that looked shattered by rain--but the shuffling was closer. Was the floor of the lobby glistening in patches, as though from moist footsteps? The doors were hesitating, she was brandishing her tiny flame as though it might defend her--then the doors closed reluctantly, the lift faltered downwards.
She"d had no time to sigh with relief, if indeed she had meant to, when she heard the lobby doors open above her. A moment later the lift shook. Something had plumped down on its roof.
At once, with a shock that felt as though it would tear out her guts, she knew what perhaps she had known, deep down, for a while: Steve hadn"t been trying to frighten her--he had been trying not to. She hadn"t heard Mr Tuttle on the fifth floor, nor any imaginary girlfriend of Steve"s. Whatever she had heard was above her now, fumbling softly at the trapdoor.
It couldn"t get in. She could hear that it couldn"t, not before the lift reached the third--oh G.o.d, make the lift be quick! Then she could run for the fire-escape, which wasn"t damaged except on the sixth. She was thinking quickly now, almost in a trance that carried her above her fear, aware of nothing except the clarity of her plan--and it was no use.
The doors were only beginning to open as they reached the third when the lift continued downwards without stopping. Either the weight on its roof, or the tampering, was sending it down. As the doors gaped to display the brick wall of the shaft, then closed again, the trapdoor clanged back and something like a hand came reaching down towards her.
It was very large. If it found her, it would engulf her face. It was the colour of ancient dough, and looked puffed up as if by decay; patches of the flesh were torn and ragged, but there seemed to be no blood, only greyness. She clamped her left hand over her mouth, which was twitching uncontrollably, and thrust the lighter at the swollen groping fingers.
They hissed in the flame and recoiled, squirming. Whitish beads had broken out on them. In a way the worst thing was the absence of a cry. The hand retreated through the opening, sc.r.a.ping the edge, and a huge vague face peered down with eyes like blobs of dough. She felt a surge of hysterical mirth at the way the hand had fled--but she choked it back, for she had no reason to feel triumphant. Her skirmish had distracted her from the progress of the lift, which had reached the bottom of the shaft.
Ought she to struggle with the doors, try to prevent them from opening? It was too late. They were creeping back, they were open now, and she could see the subbas.e.m.e.nt. ------------------------------------314 At least, she could see darkness which her light couldn"t even reach. She had an impression of an enormous doorway, beyond which the darkness, if it was in proportion, might extend for hundreds of yards; she thought of the mouth of a sewer or a mine. The stench of putrid food was overwhelming, parts of the dark looked restless and puffy. But when she heard scuttling, and a dim shape came darting towards her, it proved to be a large rat.
Though that was bad enough, it mustn"t distract her from the thing above her, on the lift. It had no chance to do so. The rat was yards away from her, and darting aside from her light, when she heard a spongy rush and the rat was overwhelmed by a whitish flood like a gushing of effluent. She backed away until the wall of the lift arrested her. She could still see too much--but how could she make herself put out the flame, trap herself in the dark?
For the flood was composed of obese bodies which clambered over one another, clutching for the trapped rat. The rat was tearing at the pudgy hands, ripping pieces from the doughy flesh, but that seemed not to affect them at all. Huge toothless mouths gaped in the puffy faces, collapsed inwards like senile lips, sucking loudly, hungrily. Three of the bloated heads fell on the rat, and she heard its squeals above their sucking.
Then the others that were clambering over them, out of the dark, turned towards her. Great moist nostrils were dilating and vanishing in their noseless faces. Could they see her light with their blobs of eyes, or were they smelling her terror? Perhaps they"d had only soft rotten things to eat down here, but they were learning fast. Hunger was their only motive, ruthless, all-consuming.
They came jostling towards the lift. Once, delirious, she"d heard all the sounds around her grow stealthily padded, but this softness was far worse. She was trying both to stand back and to jab the lift-b.u.t.ton, quite uselessly; the doors refused to budge. The doughy shapes would pile in like tripe, suffocating her, putting out the flame, gorging themselves on her in the dark. The one that had ridden the lift was slithering down the outside to join them.
Perhaps its movement unburdened the lift, or jarred a connection into place, for all at once the doors were closing. Swollen hands were thumping them, soft fingers like grubs were trying to squeeze between them, but already the lift was sailing upwards. Oh G.o.d, suppose it went straight up to the sixth floor! But she"d found the ground-floor b.u.t.ton, though it twitched away from her, shaken by the flame, and the lift was slowing. Through the slit between the doors, beyond the gla.s.s doors to the street, a streetlamp blazed like the sun. ------------------------------------315 The lift"s doors opened, and the doughy face lurched in, its fat white blind eyes bulging, its avid mouth huge as a fist. It took her a moment prolonged as a nightmare to realise that it had been crushed between lift and shaft-- for as the doors struggled open, the face began to tear. Screaming, she dragged the doors open, tearing the body in half. As she ran through it she heard it plump at the foot of the shaft, to be met by a soft eager rush--but she was fleeing blindly into the torrent of rain, towards the steep maze of unlit streets, her father at the fireside, his quiet vulnerable demand to know all that she"d done today. ------------------------------------316 ------------------------------------317
The Fit
I I must have pa.s.sed the end of the path a hundred times before I saw it. I must have pa.s.sed the end of the path a hundred times before I saw it. Walking into Keswick, I always gazed at the distant fells, mossed by fields and gorse and woods. On cloudy days shadows rode the fells; the figures tramping the ridges looked as though they could steady themselves with one hand on the clouds. On clear days I would marvel at the mult.i.tude of shades of green and yellow, a spectrum in themselves, and notice nothing else. Walking into Keswick, I always gazed at the distant fells, mossed by fields and gorse and woods. On cloudy days shadows rode the fells; the figures tramping the ridges looked as though they could steady themselves with one hand on the clouds. On clear days I would marvel at the mult.i.tude of shades of green and yellow, a spectrum in themselves, and notice nothing else.
But this was a dull day. The landscape looked dusty, as though from the lorries that pulverised the roads. I might have stayed in the house, but my Aunt Naomi was fitting; the sight of people turning like inexperienced models before the full-length mirror made me feel out of place. I"d exhausted Keswick--games of Crazy Golf, boats on the lake or strolls round it, narrow streets clogged with cars and people scaffolded with rucksacks--and I didn"t feel like toiling up the fells today, even for the vistas of the lakes.
If I hadn"t been watching my feet trudging I would have missed the path. It led away from the road a mile or so outside Keswick, through a gap in the hedges and across a field overgrown with gra.s.s and wild flowers. Solitude appealed to me, and I squeezed through the gap, which was hardly large enough for a sheep.