A taste of mothb.a.l.l.s caught at the back of his throat as he took the binoculars from the wardrobe where they hung among his suits. The lenses pulled the streets across the river towards him, cut-out terraces bunched together closely as layers of wallpaper. The tenement reared up, a coaly silhouette flaring red, from the steep bank below them. Figures were converging to watch, but he could see n.o.body fleeing. He let the binoculars stray upwards to the flames, which seemed calming as a fireside, too silent and distant to trouble him. Then his face stiffened. Above the flames and the jets of water red as blood, a figure was peering down.
Bowring twisted the focusing-screw in a vain attempt to get rid of the blur of heat, to clear his mind of what he thought he was seeing. The figure must be trapped, crying for help and jumping as the floor beneath its feet grew hotter, yet it appeared to be prancing with delight, waving its hands gleefully, grinning like a clown. To believe that was to lose control, he told himself fiercely. A jet of water fought back the flames below the window he was staring at, and he saw that the window was empty.
Perhaps it always had been. If anyone had been crying for help, the firemen must have responded by now. Among the spectators he saw half a dozen of his pupils sharing cigarettes. He felt in control again at once. He"d be having words with them tomorrow.
In the morning he drove ten miles to the bridge, ten miles back along the far bank. The school was surrounded by disorder, wallpaper flapping ------------------------------------392 beyond broken windows, houses barricaded with cardboard against casual missiles, cars stranded without wheels and rusting in streets where nothing moved except flocks of litter. Ash from last night"s fire settled on his car like an essence of the grubby streets. In the midst of the chaos, the long low ruddy school still looked as it must have a hundred years ago. That felt like a promise of order to him.
He was writing a problem in calculus on the blackboard when those of his cla.s.s who"d come to school today piled into the cla.s.sroom, jostling and swearing, accompanied by smells of tobacco and cheap perfume. He swung round, gown whirling, and the noise dwindled sullenly. Two minutes" slamming of folding seats, and then they were sitting at their desks, which were too small for some of them. Bowring hooked his thumbs in the shoulders of his gown. "Which of you were at the fire last night?" he said in a voice that barely reached the back of the room.
Twenty-three faces stared dully at him, twenty-three heads of the monster he had to struggle with every working day. There was nothing to distinguish those he"d seen last night across the river, not a spark of truth. "I know several of you were," he said, letting his gaze linger on the six. "I suggest you tell your friends after cla.s.s that I may have my eye on you even when you think n.o.body"s watching."
They stared, challenging him to identify them, and waited until dark to answer him with a scrawl of white paint across the ruined tenement, f.u.c.k off bow wow, the message said. The binoculars shook until he controlled himself. He was d.a.m.ned if he"d let them reach him in his home, his refuge from all they represented. Tomorrow he"d deal with them, on his patch of their territory. He moved the binoculars to see what he"d glimpsed as they veered.
A figure was standing by the tenement, under one of the few surviving streetlamps. The mercury-vapour glare made its face look white as a clown"s, though at first he couldn"t see the face; the long hands that appeared to be gloved whitely were covering it while the shoulders heaved as if miming rage. Then the figure flung its hands away from its face and began to prance wildly, waving its fists above its spiky hair. It was then that Bowring knew it was the figure he"d seen above the flames.
It must be some lunatic, someone unable to cope with life over there. Suddenly the mercury-vapour stage was bare, and Bowring resisted scanning the dark: whatever the figure was up to had nothing to do with him. He was inclined to ignore the graffiti too, except that next morning, when he turned from the blackboard several of his cla.s.s began to t.i.tter. ------------------------------------393 He felt his face stiffen, grow pale with rage. That provoked more t.i.tters, the nervous kind he"d been told you heard at horror films. "Very well," he murmured, "since you"re all aware what I want to hear, we"ll have complete silence until the culprit speaks up."
"But sir, I don"t know--was Clint began, pulling at his earlobe where he"d been forbidden to wear a ring in school, and Bowring rounded on him. "Complete silence," Bowring hissed in a voice he could barely hear himself.
He strolled up and down the aisles, sat at his desk when he wanted to outstare them. Their resentment felt like an imminent storm. Just let one of them protest to his face! Bowring wouldn"t lay a finger on them--they wouldn"t lose him his pension that way--but he"d have them barred from his cla.s.s. He was tempted to keep them all in after school, except that he"d had enough of the lot of them.
"Wait until you"re told to go," he said when the final bell shrilled. He felt unwilling to relinquish his control of them, to let them spill out of his room in search of mischief, s.e.x, drugs, violence, their everyday lives; for moments that seemed disconcertingly prolonged, he felt as if he couldn"t let go. "Perhaps on Monday we can get on with some work, if you haven"t forgotten what that"s like. Now you may go," he said softly, daring them to give tongue to the resentment he saw in all their eyes.
They didn"t, not then. He drove across the bridge to be greeted by the scent of pine, of the trees the April sunlight was gilding. Hours later he lay in his reclining chair, lulled by a gin and tonic, by Debussy on the radio. Halfway through the third movement of the quartet, the phone rang. "Yes?" Bowring demanded.
"Mr Bowring?"
"Yes?"
"Mr Bowring the teacher?"
"This is he."
"It"s he," the voice said aside, and there was a chorus of sn.i.g.g.e.rs. At once Bowring knew what the voice would say, and so it did: "f.u.c.k off, Bow-wow, you--was He slammed the phone down before he could hear more, and caught sight of himself in the mirror, white-faced, teeth bared, eyes bulging. "It"s all right," he murmured to his mother in the photograph on the mantelpiece below the mirror. But it wasn"t: now they"d found him, they could disarray his home life any time they felt like it; he no longer had a refuge. Who had it been on the phone? One of the boys with men"s voices, Darren or Gary or Lee. He was trying to decide which when it rang again. ------------------------------------394 No, they wouldn"t get through to him. Over the years he"d seen colleagues on the teaching staff break down, but that wouldn"t happen to him. The phone rang five times in the next hour before, presumably, they gave up. Since his mother"s death he"d only kept the phone in case the school needed to contact him.
Sunlight woke him in the morning, streaming from behind his house and glaring back from the river. The sight of figures at the charred tenement took him and his binoculars to the window. But they weren"t any of his pupils, they were a demolition crew. Soon the tenement puffed like a fungus, hesitated, then collapsed. Only a rumble like distant thunder and a microscopic clink of bricks reached him. The crowd of bystanders dispersed, and even the demolition crew drove away before the dust had finished settling. Bowring alone saw the figure that pranced out of the ruins.
At first he thought its face was white with dust. It sidled about in front of the jagged foundations, pumping its hips and pretending to stick an invisible needle in its arm, and then Bowring saw that the face wasn"t covered with dust; it was made up like a clown"s. That and the mime looked doubly incongruous because of the plain suit the man was wearing. Perhaps all this was some kind of street theatre, some anarchist nonsense of the kind that tried to make the world a stage for its slogans, yet Bowring had a sudden disconcerting impression that the mime was meant just for him. He blocked the idea from his mind--it felt like a total loss of control--and turned his back on the window.
His morning routine calmed him, his clothes laid out on the sofa as his mother used to place them, his breakfast egg waiting on the moulded ledge in the door of the refrigerator, where he"d moved it last night from the egg box further in. That evening he attended a debate at the Conservative Club on law and order, and on Sunday he drove into the countryside to watch patterns of birds in the sky. By Sunday evening he hadn"t given the far side of the river more than a casual glance for over twenty-four hours.
When he glimpsed movement, insectlike under the mercury lamp, he sat down to listen to Elgar. But he resented feeling as if he couldn"t look; he"d enjoyed the view across the river ever since he"d moved across, enjoyed knowing it was separate from him. He took as much time as he could over carrying his binoculars to the window.
The clown was capering under the lamp, waving his fists exultantly above his head. His glee made Bowring nervous about discovering its cause. Nervousness swung the binoculars wide, and he saw Darren lying among the ------------------------------------395 fallen bricks, clutching his head and writhing. At once the clown scampered off into the dark.
In the false perspective of the lenses Darren looked unreal, and Bowring felt a hint of guilty triumph. No doubt the boy had been taunting the clown; maybe now he"d had a bit of sense knocked into him. He watched the boy crawl out of the debris and stagger homewards, and was almost certain that it had been Darren"s voice on the phone. He was even more convinced on Monday morning, by the way that all Darren"s cronies sitting round the empty desk stared accusingly at him.
They needn"t try to blame him for Darren"s injury, however just it seemed. "If anyone has anything to say about any of your absent colleagues," he murmured, "I"m all ears." Of course they wouldn"t speak to him face to face, he realised, not now they had his number. His face stiffened so much he could barely conduct the lesson, which they seemed even less eager to comprehend than usual. No doubt they were antic.i.p.ating unemployment and the freedom to do mischief all day, every day. Their apathy made him feel he was drowning, fighting his way to a surface which perhaps no longer existed. When he drove home across the bridge, their sullen sunless sky came with him.
As soon as he was home he reached out to take the phone off the hook, until he grabbed his wrist with his other hand. This time he"d be ready for them if they called. Halfway through his dinner of unfrozen cod, they did. He saw them before he heard them, three of them slithering down the steep slope to a phone box, miraculously intact, that stood near a riverside terrace that had escaped demolition. He dragged them towards him with the binoculars as they piled into the box.
They were three of his girls: Debbie, whom he"d seen holding hands with Darren--he didn"t like to wonder what they got up to when n.o.body could see them--and Vanessa and Germaine. He watched Debbie as she dialled, and couldn"t help starting as his phone rang. Then he grinned across the river at her. Let her do her worst to reach him.
He watched the girls grimace in the small lit box, shouting threats or insults or obscenities at the phone in Debbie"s hand as if that would make him respond. "Shout all you like, you"re not in my cla.s.sroom now," he whispered, and then, without quite knowing why, he swung the binoculars away from them to survey the dark. As his vision swept along the top of the slope he saw movement, larger than he was expecting. A chunk of rubble half as high as a man was poised on the edge above the telephone box. Behind it, grinning stiffly, he saw the glimmering face of the clown. ------------------------------------396 Bowring s.n.a.t.c.hed up the receiver without thinking. "Look out! Get out!" he cried, so shrilly that his face stiffened with embarra.s.sment. He heard Debbie sputter a shocked insult as the binoculars fastened shakily on the lit box, and then she dropped the receiver as Vanessa and Germaine, who must have seen the danger, fought to be first out of the trap. The box shook with their struggles, and Bowring yelled at them to be orderly, as if his voice might reach them through the dangling receiver. Then Vanessa wrenched herself free, and the others followed, almost falling headlong, as the rubble smashed one side of the box, filling the interior with knives of gla.s.s.
Maybe that would give them something to think about, but all the same, it was vandalism. Shouldn"t Bowring call the police? Some instinct prevented him, perhaps his sense of wanting to preserve a distance between himself and what he"d seen. After all, the girls might have seen the culprit too, might even have recognised him.
But on Tuesday they were pretending that nothing had happened. Debbie"s blank face challenged him to accuse her, to admit he"d been watching. Her whole stance challenged him, her long legs crossed, her linen skirt ending high on her bare thighs. How dare she sit like that in front of a man of his age! She"d come to grief acting like that, but not from him. The day"s problems squealed on the blackboard, the chalk snapped.
He drove home, his face stiff with resentment. He wished he hadn"t picked up the phone, wished he"d left them at the mercy of the madman who, for all Bowring knew, had gone mad as a result of their kind of misbehaviour. As he swung the car onto the drive below his flat, a raw sunset throbbed in the gap where the tenement had been.
The sun went down. Lamps p.r.i.c.ked the dark across the river. Tonight he wouldn"t look, he told himself, but he couldn"t put the other side out of his mind. He ate lamb chops to the strains of one of Rossini"s preadolescent sonatas. Would there ever be prodigies like him again? Children now were nothing like they used to be. Bowring carried the radio to his chair beside the fire and couldn"t help glancing across the river. Someone was loitering in front of the gap where the tenement had been.
He sat down, stood up furiously, grabbed the binoculars. It was Debbie, waiting under the mercury lamp. She wore a pale blue skirt now, and stockings. Her lipstick glinted. She reminded Bowring of a streetwalker in some film, that image of a woman standing under a lamp surrounded by darkness.
No doubt she was waiting for Darren. Women waiting under lamps often came to no good, especially if they were up to none. Bowring probed the dark with his binoculars, until his flattened gaze came to rest on a fragment ------------------------------------397 of the tenement, a zigzag of wall as high as a man. Had something pale just dodged behind it?
Debbie was still under the lamp, hugging herself against the cold, glancing nervously over her shoulder, but not at the fragment of wall. Bowring turned the lenses back to the wall, and came face to face with the clown, who seemed to be grinning straight at him from his hiding-place. The sight froze Bowring, who could only cling shakily to the binoculars and watch as the white face dodged back and forth, popping out from opposite edges of the wall. Perhaps only a few seconds pa.s.sed, but it seemed long as a nightmare before the clown leapt on the girl.
Bowring saw her thrown flat on the scorched ground, saw the clown stuff her mouth with a wad of litter, the grinning white face pressing into hers. When the clown pinned her wrists with one hand and began to tear at her clothes with the other, Bowring grabbed the phone. He called the police station near the school and waited feverishly while the clown shied Debbie"s clothes into the dark. "Rape. Taking place now, where the tenement was demolished," he gasped as soon as he heard a voice.
"Where are you speaking from, sir?"
"That doesn"t matter. You"re wasting time. Unless you catch this person in the act you may not be able to identify him. He"s made up like a clown."
"What is your name, please, sir?"
"What the devil has my name to do with it? Just get to the crime, can"t you! There, you see," Bowring cried, his voice out of control, "you"re too late."
Somehow Debbie had struggled free and was limping naked towards the nearest houses. Bowring saw her look back in terror, then flee painfully across the rubble. But the clown wasn"t following, he was merely waving the baggy crotch of his trousers at her. "I need your name before we"re able to respond," the voice said brusquely in Bowring"s ear, and Bowring dropped the receiver in his haste to break the connection. When he looked across the river again, both Debbie and the clown had gone.
Eventually he saw police cars cruising back and forth past the ruined tenement, policemen tramping from house to house. Bowring had switched off his light in order to watch and for fear that the police might notice him, try to involve him, make an issue of his having refused to name himself. He watched for hours as front door after front door opened to the police. He was growing more nervous, presumably in antic.i.p.ation of the sight of the clown, prancing through a doorway or being dragged out by the police.
Rain came sweeping along the river, drenching the far bank. The last ------------------------------------398 houses closed behind the police. A police car probed the area around the ruined tenement with its headlights, and then there was only rain and darkness and the few drowning streetlamps. Yet he felt as if he couldn"t stop watching. His vision swam jerkily towards the charred gap, and the clown pranced out from behind the jagged wall.
How could the police have overlooked him? But there he was, capering beside the ruin. As Bowring leaned forward, clutching the binoculars, the clown reached behind the wall and produced an object which he brandished gleefully. He dropped it back into hiding just as Bowring saw that it was an axe. Then the clown minced into the lamplight.
For a moment Bowring thought that the clown"s face was injured-- distorted, certainly--until he realised that the rain was washing the makeup off. Why should that make him even more nervous? He couldn"t see the face now, for the clown was putting his fists to his eyes. He seemed to be peering through his improvised binoculars straight at Bowring--and then, with a shock that stiffened his face, Bowring felt sure that he was. The next moment the clown turned his bare face up to the rain that streamed through the icy light.
Makeup began to whiten his lapels like droppings on a statue. The undisguised face gleamed in the rain. Bowring stared at the face that was appearing, then he muttered a denial to himself as he struggled to lower the binoculars, to let go his shivering grip on them, look away. Then the face across the river grinned straight at him, and his convulsion heaved him away from the window with a violence that meant to refute what he"d seen.
It couldn"t be true. If it was, anything could be. He was hardly aware of lurching downstairs and into the sharp rain, binoculars thumping his chest. He fumbled his way into the car and sent it slewing towards the road, wipers scything at the rain. As trees crowded into the headlights, the piny smell made his head swim.
The struts of the bridge whirred by, dripping. Dark streets, broken lamps, decrepit streaming houses closed around him. He drove faster through the desertion, though he felt as if he"d given in to a loss of control: surely there would be nothing to see--perhaps there never had been. But when the car skidded across the mud beside the demolished tenement, the clown was waiting barefaced for him.
Bowring wrenched the car to a slithering halt and leapt out into the mud in front of the figure beneath the lamp. It was a mirror, he thought desperately: he was dreaming of a mirror. He felt the rain soak his clothes, slash his cheeks, trickle inside his collar. "What do you mean by this?" he yelled at the ------------------------------------399 lamplit figure, and before he could think of what he was demanding "Who do you think you are?"
The figure lifted its hands towards its face, still whitewashed by the mercury lamp, then spread its hands towards Bowring. That was more than Bowring could bear, both the silence of the miming and what the gesture meant to say. His mind emptied as he lurched past the lamplight to the fragment of tenement wall.
When the figure didn"t move to stop him, he thought the axe wouldn"t be there. But it was. He s.n.a.t.c.hed it up and turned on the other, who stepped towards him, out of the lamplight. Bowring lifted the axe defensively. Then he saw that the figure was gesturing towards itself, miming an invitation. Bowring"s control broke, and he swung the axe towards the unbearable sight of the grinning face.
At the last moment, the figure jerked its head aside. The axe cut deep into its neck. There was no blood, only a bulging of what looked like new pale flesh from the wound. The figure staggered, then mimed the axe towards itself again. None of this could be happening, Bowring told himself wildly: it was too outrageous, it meant that anything could happen, it was the beginning of total chaos. His incredulity let him hack with the axe, again and again, his binoculars bruising his ribs. He hardly felt the blows he was dealing, and when he"d finished there was still no blood, only an enormous sprawl of torn cloth and chopped pink flesh whitened by the lamplight, restless with rain. Somehow the head had survived his onslaught, which had grown desperately haphazard. As Bowring stared appalled at it, the grinning face looked straight at him, and winked. Screaming under his breath, Bowring hacked it in half, then went on chopping, chopping, chopping.
When at last exhaustion stopped him he made to fling the axe into the ruins. Then he clutched it and reeled back to his car, losing his balance in the mud, almost falling into the midst of his butchery. He drove back to the bridge, his eyes bulging at the liquid dark, at the roads overflowing their banks, the fleets of derelict houses sailing by. As he crossed the bridge, he flung the axe into the river.
He twisted the key and groped blindly into his house, felt his way upstairs, peeled off his soaked clothes, lowered himself shakily into a hot bath. He felt exhausted, empty, but was unable to sleep. He couldn"t really have crossed the river, he told himself over and over; he couldn"t have done what he remembered doing, the memory that filled his mind, brighter than the streetlamp by the ruin. He stumbled naked to the window. Something pale lay beside the streetlamp, but he couldn"t make it out; the rain had washed ------------------------------------400 the lenses clean of the coating that would have let him see more in the dark. He sat there shivering until dawn, nodding occasionally, jerking awake with a cry. When the sunlight reached the other side, the binoculars showed him that the ground beside the lamp was bare.
He dragged on crumpled clothes, tried to eat breakfast but spat out the mouthful, fled to his car. He never set out so early, but today he wanted to be in his cla.s.sroom as soon as he could, where he still had control. Rainbows winked at him from trees as he drove, and then the houses gaped at him. As yet the streets were almost deserted, and so he couldn"t resist driving by the tenement before making for the school. He parked at the top of the slope, craned his neck as he stood shivering on the pavement, and then, more and more shakily and reluctantly, he picked his way down the slope. He"d seen movement in the ruin.
They must be young animals, he told himself as he slithered down. Rats, perhaps, or something else newborn--nothing else could be so pink or move so oddly. He slid down to the low jagged gappy wall. As he caught hold of the topmost bricks, which shifted under his hands, all the pink shapes amid the rubble raised their faces, his face, to him.
Some of the lumps of flesh had recognisable limbs, or at least portions of them. Some had none, no features at all except one or more of the grimacing faces, but all of them came swarming towards him as best they could. Bowring reeled, choked, flailed his hands, tried to grab at reality, wherever it was. He fell across the wall, twisting, face up. At once a hand with his face sprouting from its wrist scuttled up his body and closed its fingers, his fingers, about his throat.
Bowring cowered into himself, desperate to hide from the sensation of misshapen crawling all over his body, his faces swarming over him, onto his limbs, between his legs. There was no refuge. A convulsion shuddered through him, jerked his head up wildly. "My face," he shrieked in a choked whisper, and sank his teeth into the wrist of the hand that was choking him.
It had no bones to speak of. Apart from its bloodlessness, it tasted like raw meat. He shoved it into his mouth, stuffed the fingers in and then the head. As it went in it seemed to shrink, grow shapeless, though he felt his teeth close on its eyes. "My face," he spluttered, and reached for handfuls of the rest. But while he"d been occupied with chewing, the swarming had left his body. He was lying alone on the charred rubble.
They were still out there somewhere, he knew. He had to get them back inside himself, he mustn"t leave them at large on this side of the river. This side was nothing to do with him. He swayed to his feet and saw the school. A ------------------------------------401 grin stiffened his mouth. Of course, that was where they must be, under the faces of his pupils, but not for long. The children couldn"t really be as unlike him as they seemed; nothing could be that alien--that was how they"d almost fooled him. He made his way towards the school, grinning, and as he thought of pulling off those masks to find his face, he began to dance. ------------------------------------402 ------------------------------------403
Where the Heart Is
I "ve just walked through your house. I lay on your bed and tried to see my wife"s face looming over me, the way I used to. I spent longest in your baby"s room, because that was where I began to die. Before I do, I want to tell you who I am and why I"m here, and so I"m writing this. "ve just walked through your house. I lay on your bed and tried to see my wife"s face looming over me, the way I used to. I spent longest in your baby"s room, because that was where I began to die. Before I do, I want to tell you who I am and why I"m here, and so I"m writing this.
I"m at your dining-table now, but I won"t be when you find me. You"ll have found me, or you couldn"t be reading this. There may not be much of me for you to recognise, so let me introduce myself again. I"m the man whose house you bought. This is my house, and you"ll never get rid of me now.
I"ve nothing against you personally. It wasn"t your fault that the two of you nearly destroyed my wife and me--you weren"t to know what you were doing. I can"t let that stop me, but at least I can tell you my reasons. The truth is, I never should have let you or anyone else into my house.
Maybe you remember coming to view it, in the rain. I was sitting in the front room, hearing the rain shake the windows and knowing it couldn"t touch me. I was feeling peaceful and secure at last. As a matter of fact, I was wondering if the rain might be the last thing I ever heard, if I could sink into that peace where my wife must be, when your car drew up outside the house.
By the time you got out of your car and ran up the path, you were drenched. I may as well be honest: I took my time about answering the doorbell. Only I heard you saying you"d seen someone in the front room, and that made me feel discovered. So I took pity on you out there in the storm.
I don"t suppose you noticed how I drew back as you came in $ As you trod on the step I had the feeling that you meant the house to be yours. Did you realise you hung your wet coats as if it already was? Maybe you were too drenched to wait for me to tell you, but you made me feel redundant, out of place.
That"s one reason why I didn"t say much as I showed you over the house. I didn"t think you would have listened anyway--you were too busy noticing cracks in the plaster and where damp had lifted the wallpaper and how some of the doors weren"t quite straight in their frames. I really thought when we ------------------------------------404 came downstairs that you"d decided against the house. Perhaps you saw how relieved I was. I wondered why you asked if you could be alone for a few minutes. I let you go upstairs by yourselves, though I must say I resented hearing you murmuring up there. And all I could do when you came down and said you were interested in the house was make my face go blank, to hide my shock.
You must have thought I was trying to get you to raise your offer, but it wasn"t that at all. I was simply feeling less and less sure that I ought to leave the house where my wife and I had spent our marriage. I told you to get in touch with the estate agent, but that was really just a way of saving myself from having to refuse you outright. I should have told you about my wife. You knew I was selling because she"d died, and you"d made sympathetic noises and faces, but I should have told you that she"d died here in the house.
When you"d left I went upstairs and lay on the bed where she"d died. Sometimes when I lay there and closed my eyes to see her face, I could almost hear her speaking to me. I asked her what I ought to do about you, and I thought I heard her telling me not to let my feelings get the better of me, to think more and feel less, as she often used to say. I thought she was saying that I shouldn"t let the house trap me, that so long as I took the bed with me we"d still be together. So I accepted your offer and signed the contract to sell you the house, and the moment I"d finished signing I felt as if I"d signed away my soul.
It was too late by then, or at least I thought it was. I"d already agreed to move out so that you could start the repairs and get your mortgage. When the removal van was loaded I walked through the house to make sure I hadn"t left anything. The stripped rooms made me feel empty, homeless, as if my wife and I had never been there. Even the removal van felt more like home, and I sat on our couch in there as the van drove to my new flat.
I"d bought it with the insurance my wife had on herself, you remember. We"d always been equally insured. What with our bed and the rest of the furniture we"d chosen together being moved to the flat and her insurance money buying it, she should been been there with me, shouldn"t she? I thought so that first night when I turned off the lamp and lay in the bed and waited to feel that she was near me.
But there was nothing, just me and the dark. The heating was on, yet the bed seemed to get colder and colder. All I wanted was to feel that I wasn"t totally alone. But nights went buy, and the bed grew colder, until I felt I"d die of the chill in a place I"d let myself be evicted to, that was nothing like home.
You must be wondering why, if I wanted to be with my wife so much, I ------------------------------------405 didn"t consult a medium. My wife was a very private person, that"s why--I couldn"t have asked her to communicate with me in front of a stranger. Besides, I didn"t trust that sort of thing much anymore. I hadn"t since I"d thought we"d been given a sign that we were going to have a child.
We"d started a child when it was really too late. That was one time my wife let her feelings get the better of her. We"d been trying for years, and then, when she"d given up expecting to be able, she got pregnant. I was afraid for her all those months, but she said I mustn"t be: whatever was going to happen would happen, and we"d be prepared for it, whatever it was. She didn"t even make the guest-room into a nursery, not that we ever had guests.
She went into hospital a month before we thought she would. The first I knew of it was when the hospital phoned me at the bank. I visited her every evening, but I couldn"t see her on weekdays--too many of my colleagues were on their summer holidays. I became afraid I wouldn"t be with her at the birth.
Then one evening I saw something that made me think I"d no reason to be anxious for her. I was going upstairs to bed in the dark when I saw that I"d left the light on in the guest-room. I opened the door and switched off the light, and just as I did so I saw that it wasn"t a guest-room any longer, it was a nursery with a cot in it and wallpaper printed with teddy bears dancing in a ring. When I switched on the light again it was just a guest-room, but I didn"t care--I knew what I"d seen. I didn"t know then what I know now.
So when they called me to the hospital urgently from work I felt sure the birth would be a success, and when I learned that the baby had been born dead I felt as if the house had cheated me, or my feelings had. I felt as if I"d killed the baby by taking too much for granted. I almost couldn"t go in to see my wife.
She tried to persuade me that it didn"t matter. We still had each other, which was pretty well all that we"d had in the way of friendship for years. But she must have thought it was dangerous to leave me on my own, because she came home before she was supposed to, to be with me. That night in bed we held each other more gently than we ever had, and it seemed as if that was all we needed, all we would ever need.
But in the middle of the night I woke and found her in agony, in so much pain she couldn"t move or speak. I ran out half-naked to phone for an ambulance, but it was too late. I got back to her just in time to see the blood burst out of her face--I wasn"t even there to hold her hand at the end. I just stood there as if I didn"t have the right to touch her, because it was my feelings that had killed her, or her concern for them had. ------------------------------------406 You see now why I didn"t tell you where she died. It would have been like admitting I hoped she was still in the house. Sometimes I thought I sensed her near me when I was falling asleep. But once I"d moved to the flat I couldn"t sleep, I just lay growing colder as the nights got longer. I thought she might have left me because she"d had enough of me. She still had to be alive somewhere, I knew that much.
By then you"d started work on the house, and I felt as if it didn"t belong to me, even though it still did. Sometimes I walked the two miles to it late at night, when I couldn"t sleep. I told myself I was making sure n.o.body had broken in. I remember one night I looked in the front window. The streetlamp showed me you"d torn off the wallpaper and hacked away the plaster. The orange light from outside blackened everything, made it seem even more ruined, made the room look as if it hadn"t been lived in for years. It made me feel I hardly existed myself, and I walked away fast, walked all night without knowing where, until the dawn came up like an icy fog and I had to huddle in my flat to keep warm.
After that I tried to stay away from the house. The doctor gave me pills to help me sleep, the old kind that aren"t addictive. I didn"t like the sleep they brought, though. It came too quickly and took away all my memories, didn"t even leave me dreams. Only I knew I had to sleep or I"d be out of a job for making too many mistakes at the bank. So I slept away the nights until you got your mortgage and were able to buy the house.
I expected that to be a relief to me. I shouldn"t have felt drawn to the house, since it wasn"t mine any longer. But the day I had to hand over my last key I felt worse than I had when I"d signed the contract, and so I made a copy of the key to keep.
I couldn"t have said why I did it. Every time I thought of using the key I imagined being caught in the house, taken away by the police, locked up in a cell. Whenever I felt drawn back to the house I tried to lose myself in my work, or if I was in the flat I tried to be content with memories of the time my wife and I had in the house. Only staying in the flat so as not to be tempted to go to the house made me feel as if I"d already been locked up. I went on like that for weeks, telling myself I had to get used to the flat, the house was nothing to do with me now. I took more of the pills before going to bed, and the doctor renewed the prescription. And then one morning I woke up feeling cold and empty, hardly knowing who I was or where, feeling as if part of me had been stolen while I was asleep.
At first I thought the pills were doing that to me. It was snowing as I walked to work, it looked as if the world was flaking away around me, and I ------------------------------------407 felt as if I was. Even when I leaned against the radiator in the bank I couldn"t stop shivering. I made myself sit at the counter when it was time for the manager to open the doors, but he saw how I was and insisted I go home, told me to stay there till I got better. He ordered me a taxi, but I sent it away as soon as I was out of sight of the bank. I knew by then I had to come to the house.
You see, I"d realised what was missing. There was part of the house I couldn"t remember. I could still recall making love to my wife, and the way we used to prepare alternate courses of a meal, but I couldn"t call to mind how we"d spent our evenings at home. I fought my way to the house, the snow sc.r.a.ping my face and trickling under my clothes, and then I saw why. You"d torn down a wall and made two rooms into one.
We must have had a front room and a dining-room. Presumably we moved from one room to the other when we"d finished dinner, but I couldn"t recall any of that, not even what the rooms had looked like. Years of my life, of all I had left of my marriage, had been stolen overnight. I stood there with the snow weighing me down until I felt like stone, staring at the wound you"d made in the house, the bricks gaping and the bare floor covered with plaster dust, and I saw that I had to get into the house.
I"d left the key under my pillow. I might have broken in--the street was deserted, and the snow was blinding the houses--if you hadn"t already made the house burglar-proof. I struggled back to the flat for the key. I fell a few times on the way, and the last time I almost couldn"t get up for shivering. It took me five minutes or more to open the front door of my new building; I kept dropping the key and not being able to pick it up. By the time I reached my flat I felt I would never stop shivering. I was barely able to clench my fist around the key to the house before I crawled into bed.
For days I thought I was dying. When I lay under the covers I felt hot enough to melt, but if I threw them off, the shivering came back. Whenever I awoke, which must have been hundreds of times, I was afraid to find you"d destroyed more of my memories, that I"d be nothing by the time I died. The fever pa.s.sed, but by then I was so weak that it was all I could do to stumble to the kitchen or the toilet. Sometimes I had to crawl. And I was only just beginning to regain my strength when I felt you change another room.
I thought I knew which one. It didn"t gouge my memories the way the other had, but I had to stop you before you did worse. I knew now that if my wife was anywhere on this earth, she must be at the house. I had to protect her from you, and so I put on as many clothes as I could bear and made ------------------------------------408 myself go out. I felt so incomplete that I kept looking behind me, expecting not to see my footprints in the snow.
I was nearly at the house when I met one of my old neighbours. I didn"t want to be seen near the house, I felt like a burglar now. I was trying desperately to think what to say to her when I realised that she hadn"t recognised me after all--she was staring at me because she wondered what someone who looked like I looked now was doing in her street. I walked straight past and round the corner, and once the street was deserted I came back to the house.
I was sure you were out at work. There was such a confusion of footprints in the snow on the path that I couldn"t see whether more led out than in, but I had to trust my feelings. I let myself into the house and closed the door, then I stood there feeling I"d come home.
You hadn"t changed the hall. It still had the striped Regency wallpaper, and the dark brown carpet my wife had chosen still looked as if n.o.body had ever left footprints on it, though you must have trodden marks all over it while you were altering the house. I could almost believe that the hall led to the rooms my wife and I had lived in, that the wall you"d knocked down was still there, except that I could feel my mind gaping where the memories should be. So I held my breath until I could hear that I was alone in the house, then I went up to the guest-room.
Before I reached it I knew what I"d see. I"d already seen it once. I opened the door and there it was, the nursery you"d made for the child you were expecting, the cot and the wallpaper with teddy bears dancing in a ring. My feelings when my wife was in hospital hadn"t lied to me after all, I"d just misinterpreted them. As soon as I realised that, I felt as if what was left of my mind had grown clearer, and I was sure I could sense my wife in the house. I was about to search for her when I heard your car draw up outside.
I"d lost track of time while I was ill. I thought you"d be at work, but this was Sat.u.r.day, and you"d been out shopping. I felt like smashing the cot and tearing off the wallpaper and waiting for you to find me in the nursery, ready to fight for the house. But I ran down as I heard you slam the car doors, and I hid under the stairs, in the cupboard full of mops and brushes.
I heard you come in, talking about how much better the house looked now you"d knocked the wall down and put in sliding doors so that you could have two rooms there or one as the mood took you. I heard you walk along the hall twice, laden with shopping, and then close the kitchen door. I inched the door under the stairs open, and as I did so I noticed what you"d done while you were putting in the central heating. You"d made a trapdoor in the floor of the cupboard so that you could crawl under the house. ------------------------------------409 I left the cupboard door open and tiptoed along the hall. I was almost blind with anger at being made to feel like an intruder in the house, but I managed to control myself, because I knew I"d be coming back. I closed the front door by turning my key in the lock, and almost fell headlong on the icy path. My legs felt as if they"d half melted, but I held on to garden walls all the way to the flat and lay down on my bed to wait for Monday morning.
On Sunday afternoon I felt the need to go to church, where I hadn"t been since I was a child. I wanted to be rea.s.sured that my wife was still alive in spirit and to know if I was right in what I meant to do. I struggled to church and hid at the back, behind a pillar, while they were saying ma.s.s. The church felt as if it was telling me yes, but I wasn"t sure which question it was answering. I have to believe it was both.