Grief wasn"t logical; it was a process. Denial. Anger. Lily wasn"t the type to bargain or suffer depression. She was also a long way from acceptance.
Jonas quietly dressed as Lily continued to rock and cry.
Her head snapped up, and she glared at him accusingly. "How long have you known? How did you know?"
"My police contact rang this morning. They"re now investigating a double murder."
Her tears had stopped, but her face was still deathly pale. "You spoke to the police this morning and you waited until now to tell me?" She used the side of the bed to aid her as she moved back up onto her feet. "What the h.e.l.l were you thinking?"
He shrugged. "What would you have done differently if I had told you six hours ago?"
"Well, I wouldn"t have spent all day in bed with you, for one thing! But maybe that"s why you didn"t tell me?" she scoffed. "If we"d gone back to town this morning, as you knew I would want to do-"
"What purpose would that serve?"
"-then today would never have happened, and once we were back in town, the opportunity may never have arisen again."
"Stop it, Lily." Jonas stood to grasp her arms and shake her slightly.
"That"s it, isn"t it?" she continued wildly. "You wanted to make sure you f.u.c.ked me before I insisted we return to London and I was swallowed up by events and my brothers."
"Don"t flatter yourself." Jonas pushed her away from him. Her words stung, in spite of his having prepared himself for her outburst. "You wanted what happened today. You"ve been wanting it since we first met. Curious to f.u.c.k the savage-" He broke off with a wince as her cheeks became even paler. "We have to stop this," he groaned. "Hurting each other isn"t helping anything."
"It isn"t possible to hurt you." Her eyes flashed with scorn. "You"re made of steel and bone, not flesh and blood."
Jonas bit back his reply, knowing it would only escalate the argument to even more hurtful comments. The two of them had already said more than enough to each other.
Because Lily was wrong. He could be hurt. He was hurting now. He had opened himself up to her today. When they made love. When he held her afterward and the two of them had fallen asleep in each other"s arms. He had bared his soul, if not his heart, and Lily had thrown that back in his face.
Even now, Jonas could feel the protective barriers falling back into place over his emotions, until he was once again that man of steel and bone Lily had accused him of being.
"I want to go back to town," she insisted stubbornly.
"And I said what purpose will it serve? The police are investigating. What do you think you can do that they can"t, other than put yourself back in danger?"
"I can"t just sit here and do nothing, Jonas. It feels wrong. I feel responsible-"
"That ridiculous, and you know it."
Her mouth firmed. "I"m going back, with or without you."
Jonas knew she was capable of doing it too, that she would walk all the way back to London if she had to. "Then I"m coming with you."
She glanced out the window. "Will your vehicle be able to get through the snow?"
He could say no and put an end to this right now. Except for the fact he knew Lily would walk out of here. "The SUV has snow chains and four-wheel drive."
She nodded. "Then we need to go now."
His jaw tightened. "You need to dress and eat first, and then I"ll drive us back to town."
"I"m not hungry."
"I am."
"Then you eat." She turned away.
"You"re going to eat too-we have no idea what"s waiting for us when we get back to town, or when you"ll get to eat again. You"ll eat now," he repeated flatly.
Lily knew better than to argue with Jonas when he used that particular tone. He wasn"t even attempting to disguise the steel with his usual calm.
All she could think about was that Evan was dead.
She still couldn"t believe it.
He was so young, only twenty-seven. He and Todd had been dating for a year and talking about getting married.
Todd must be heartbroken. Inconsolable.
She knew the way he had behaved outside the theater yesterday wasn"t the real Todd, that he had been worried about Evan.
Justifiably, as it turned out.
"I didn"t come back to London to move into Knight House with you," Lily repeated stubbornly, as she could see her eldest brother was about to insist she do exactly that.
She had done as Jonas instructed earlier and tried to eat some of the pizza he had cooked for them both, only to then break down and start crying again when she remembered the last pizza she had eaten had been shared with Evan. All she could think about was that he was dead and would never eat another pizza. Ever.
Jonas hadn"t insisted she eat again but had quietly cleaned up and then announced it was time for them to leave.
The walk in the darkness back to the car had been made in silence. The drive back to town too, apart from the occasional sob Lily hadn"t been able to suppress. Jonas was too busy concentrating on keeping the SUV on the road to make conversation, the snow falling once again, as had been forecasted.
The argument had started again once they were back in the city and Jonas had told her he was driving her to Gabriel"s house. Lily had wanted to go to her apartment. As Jonas was driving, he had won that argument.
Gabriel had obviously been waiting for them. The front door had opened and her brother stood silhouetted in the doorway, before they even had time to get out of the vehicle. Lily had shot Jonas an accusing glare as she preceded the two men inside the house to Gabriel"s study, guessing that he must have telephoned her brother before they left his home in the forest, probably while she was repacking her things.
"Lily is staying with me," Jonas now said evenly, Gabriel seated behind his desk, Lily and Jonas seated opposite him.
"The f.u.c.k she is-"
"Like h.e.l.l I am!"
Lily and Gabriel both protested at the same time.
Jonas calmly met two pairs of glaring green eyes. "I was hired to do a job. I"m not quitting before the job is finished."
"You aren"t quitting, you"re being fired," Lily came back challengingly.
He shrugged. "You can"t fire me."
"But I can," Gabriel growled.
"Not when I"m not being paid."
"Yes, what"s with that?" Lily turned on Gabriel, obviously spoiling for a fight with someone, and she didn"t care who it was. "Who and what is Jonas Grayfeather to you?"
Gabriel shifted uncomfortably. "You know I can"t tell you that. National-"
"What did I tell you?" Lily eyed Jonas with scornful triumph.
Jonas looked at the other man. "You should have put her over your knee and spanked her more when she was a child."
"I never spanked her at all," the other man said defensively.
He nodded. "You left that temper for some other guy to deal with."
Lily"s hands clenched at her sides as she saw the way Jonas was looking at her, as if he was sizing her up for what was coming next. "You wouldn"t dare!"
"I gave you fair warning, remember?"
"Lay one hand on me in anger, and I"ll-"
"Who said anything about it being in anger?" Jonas drawled as he reached out, his fingers curling like a steel band about her wrist. He pulled her resisting body toward him. "I"m going to enjoy this too much to feel angry," he told her as he threw her over his knees and held her in place with his arm across her back. "If you wouldn"t mind, Gabriel? Some things are better done in private."
The other man raised one dark eyebrow. "You sure about this?"
"Oh yes," Jonas a.s.sured.
"She"s going to hate you afterwards-"
"She already hates him!" Lily grated, her efforts to stand totally thwarted by that steely arm across her back. "You can"t do this, Jonas," she wailed. "Gabriel, stop him!" She looked at her brother pleadingly.
Gabriel folded his arms in front of his chest. "I have no idea what you"ve done to upset Jonas the past couple of days, Lilyflower, but it must have been something bad for him to feel strongly enough about it to want to spank you."
"I haven"t done anything-Gabriel!" she called out to her brother as he moved toward the door. "You can"t just leave me in here with this-this Neander- Gabriel!" she wailed as he closed the door behind him. "Jonas, please don"t do this..."
"Do what, Lilyflower?"
"Only my brothers ever call me that."
"Lilyflower," Jonas repeated deliberately. He flipped her up and over so that she faced him as she straddled his thighs.
She placed her hands on his shoulders to steady herself. Leather-covered shoulders, because Jonas was still wearing the long black duster. She looked at him searchingly, noting the warmth in his blue eyes, the half smile on his lips. "You aren"t going to spank me."
"Not this time, no."
"Then what was all that about?" She frowned.
The humor faded as his expression tightened. "You don"t get to tell me when I"m fired." His voice was low and dangerous. "Or when this is over." His hands cupped the cheeks of her jean-clad bottom as he pulled her in tight against the rigid length of his c.o.c.k. "I"ll go when I"m good and f.u.c.king ready to go, and not a minute before. Do you under-"
"I understand, Jonas." Her cheeks burned with the memory of what had happened between them earlier today, her arms moving up as her fingers became entangled in the blue-black hair at his nape. She pressed her lips against his closed, unresponsive ones. "I"m sorry for the way I"ve behaved this afternoon." She blinked back the tears. She knew she deserved his rejection.
His expression remained grim. "I"m not the one you"re angry with, and it sure as f.u.c.k isn"t Gabriel."
He was right, it wasn"t. Her anger was caused by frustration with her stalker, and the pain of knowing Evan was dead. Neither of which Jonas or Gabriel were responsible for.
"He"s the way he is because he loves you," Jonas rasped.
"I know."
"Then stop blaming him for things that aren"t his fault. You want to use someone as a punching bag, then use me," he grated.
Lily rested her forehead on his shoulder. "I"m so scared, Jonas."
"I"m fully aware of that. It"s the only reason I"ve allowed you to get away with as much as I have," he admitted. "You-"
"Everything all right in there?" Gabriel"s voice came through the closed door. "I"m not hearing any screams?"
Some of the tension left Jonas"s shoulders as Lily gave a shaky chuckle. "Everything is fine," he answered Gabriel. "You owe him an apology, not me," he told her.
"I"ve been b.i.t.c.hy to you too."
He shrugged. "I"ve heard worse."
She raised her head. "You have?"
"Oh yes," he confirmed bitterly.
Lily winced. "I really am sorry."
"Tell that to the man outside."
She moistened her lips with the tip of her tongue. "I don"t really hate you."
"No?" He quirked one dark eyebrow.
"No. I don"t think of you as a Neanderthal either."
"You can make up for the b.i.t.c.hiness later," he dismissed. "Right now you need to start screaming. I have a reputation to uphold, after all."
Her eyes widened. "You aren"t serious?"
Much as Jonas would enjoy spanking Lily for real, this was neither the time nor the place. This certainly wasn"t the right time or place for what he knew would follow.
"No, I"m not serious." He placed his hands on Lily"s waist and lifted her onto her feet as he stood. "Play nice with Gabriel," he warned.
Lily looked up at him. "You like him."
"I respect him," he corrected.