"Stay a wee, bairn; there"s the Roman History for ye. There ye"ll read what The Cause is, and how they that seek their ain are no worthy thereof."
I took the book, and found in the legends of Brutus, and Cocles, and Scaevola, and the retreat to the Mons Sacer, and the Gladiator"s war, what The Cause was, and forgot awhile in those tales of antique heroism and patriotic self-sacrifice my own selfish longings and sorrows.
But, after all, the very advice which was meant to cure me of those selfish longings, only tended, by diverting me from my living outward idol, to turn my thoughts more than ever inward, and tempt them to feed on their own substance. I pa.s.sed whole days on the workroom floor in brooding silence--my mind peopled with an incoherent rabble of phantasms patched up from every object of which I had ever read. I could not control my daydreams; they swept me away with them over sea and land, and into the bowels of the earth. My soul escaped on every side from my civilized dungeon of brick and mortar, into the great free world from which my body was debarred. Now I was the corsair in the pride of freedom on the dark blue sea. Now I wandered in fairy caverns among the bones of primaeval monsters. I fought at the side of Leonidas, and the Maccabee who stabbed the Sultan"s elephant, and saw him crushed beneath its falling bulk. Now I was a hunter in tropic forests--I heard the parrots scream, and saw the humming birds flit on from gorgeous flower to flower. Gradually I took a voluntary pleasure in calling up these images, and working out their details into words with all the accuracy and care for which my small knowledge gave me materials. And as the self-indulgent habit grew on me, I began to live two lives--one mechanical and outward, one inward and imaginative. The thread pa.s.sed through my fingers without my knowing it; I did my work as a machine might do it. The dingy stifling room, the wan faces of my companions, the scanty meals which I s.n.a.t.c.hed, I saw dimly, as in a dream. The tropics, and Greece, the imaginary battles which I fought, the phantoms into whose mouths I put my thoughts, were real and true to me. They met me when I woke--they floated along beside me as I walked to work--they acted their fantastic dramas before me through the sleepless hours of night. Gradually certain faces among them became familiar--certain personages grew into coherence, as embodiments of those few types of character which had struck me the most, and played an a.n.a.logous part in every fresh fantasia. Sandy Mackaye"s face figured incongruously enough as Leonidas, Brutus, a Pilgrim Father; and gradually, in spite of myself, and the fear with which I looked on the recurrence of that dream, Lillian"s figure re-entered my fairy-land. I saved her from a hundred dangers; I followed her through dragon-guarded caverns and the corridors of magic castles; I walked by her side through the forests of the Amazon....
And now I began to crave for some means of expressing these fancies to myself. While they were mere thoughts, parts of me, they were unsatisfactory, however delicious. I longed to put them outside me, that I might look at them and talk to them as permanent independent things. First I tried to sketch them on the whitewashed walls of my garret, on sc.r.a.ps of paper begged from Mackaye, or picked up in the workroom. But from my ignorance of any rules of drawing, they were utterly devoid of beauty, and only excited my disgust. Besides, I had thoughts as well as objects to express--thoughts strange, sad, wild, about my own feelings, my own destiny, and drawing could not speak them for me.
Then I turned instinctively to poetry: with its rules I was getting rapidly conversant. The mere desire of imitation urged me on, and when I tried, the grace of rhyme and metre covered a thousand defects. I tell my story, not as I saw it then, but as I see it now. A long and lonely voyage, with its monotonous days and sleepless nights--its sickness and heart-loneliness, has given me opportunities for a.n.a.lysing my past history which were impossible then, amid the ceaseless in-rush of new images, the ceaseless ferment of their re-combination, in which my life was pa.s.sed from sixteen to twenty-five. The poet, I suppose, must be a seer as long as he is a worker, and a seer only. He has no time to philosophize--to "think about thinking," as Goethe, I have somewhere read, says that he never could do.
It is too often only in sickness and prostration and sheer despair, that the fierce veracity and swift digestion of his soul can cease, and give him time to know himself and G.o.d"s dealings with him; and for that reason it is good for him, too, to have been afflicted.
I do not write all this to boast of it; I am ready to bear sneers at my romance--my day-dreams--my unpractical habits of mind, for I know that I deserve them. But such was the appointed growth of my uneducated mind; no more unhealthy a growth, if I am to believe books, than that of many a carefully trained one. Highborn geniuses, they tell me, have their idle visions as well as we working-men; and Oxford has seen of late years as wild Icarias conceived as ever were fathered by a red Republic. For, indeed, we have the same flesh and blood, the same G.o.d to teach us, the same devil to mislead us, whether we choose to believe it or not. But there were excuses for me. We Londoners are not accustomed from our youth to the poems of a great democratic genius, as the Scotchmen are to their glorious Burns. We have no chance of such an early acquaintance with poetic art as that which enabled John Bethune, one of the great unrepresented--the starving Scotch day-labourer, breaking stones upon the parish roads, to write at the age of seventeen such words as these:--
Hail, hallow"d evening! sacred hour to me!
Thy clouds of grey, thy vocal melody, Thy dreamy silence oft to me have brought A sweet exchange from toil to peaceful thought.
Ye purple heavens! how often has my eye, Wearied with its long gaze on drudgery, Look"d up and found refreshment in the hues That gild thy vest with colouring profuse!
O, evening grey! how oft have I admired Thy airy tapestry, whose radiance fired The glowing minstrels of the olden time, Until their very souls flow"d forth in rhyme.
And I have listened, till my spirit grew Familiar with their deathless strains, and drew From the same source some portion of the glow Which fill"d their spirits, when from earth below They scann"d thy golden imagery. And I Have consecrated _thee_, bright evening sky My fount of inspiration; and I fling My spirit on thy clouds--an offering To the great Deity of dying day.
Who hath transfused o"er thee his purple ray.
After all, our dreams do little harm to the rich. Those who consider Chartism as synonymous with devil-worship, should bless and encourage them, for the very reason for which we working men ought to dread them; for, quickened into prurient activity by the low, novel-mongering press, they help to enervate and besot all but the n.o.blest minds among us. Here and there a Thomas Cooper, sitting in Stafford gaol, after a youth spent in cobbling shoes, vents his treasures of cla.s.sic and historic learning in a "Purgatory of Suicides"; or a Prince becomes the poet of the poor, no less for having fed his boyish fancy with "The Arabian Nights" and "The Pilgrim"s Progress." But, with the most of us, sedentary and monotonous occupations, as has long been known, create of themselves a morbidly-meditative and fantastic turn of mind. And what else, in Heaven"s name, ye fine gentlemen--what else can a working man do with his imagination, but dream? What else will you let him do with it, oh ye education-pedants, who fancy that you can teach the ma.s.ses as you would drill soldiers, every soul alike, though you will not bestir yourselves to do even that? Are there no differences of rank--G.o.d"s rank, not man"s--among us? You have discovered, since your schoolboy days, the fallacy of the old nomenclature which civilly cla.s.sed us altogether as "the sn.o.bs," "the blackguards"; which even--so strong is habit--tempted Burke himself to talk of us as "the swinish mult.i.tude." You are finding yourselves wrong there. A few more years" experience not in mis-educating the poor, but in watching the poor really educate themselves, may teach you that we are not all by nature dolts and idiots; that there are differences of brain among us, just as great as there is between you; and that there are those among us whose education ought not to end, and will not end, with the putting off of the parish cap and breeches; whom it is cruelty, as well as folly, to toss back into the h.e.l.l of mere manual drudgery, as soon as you have--if, indeed, you have been even so bountiful as that--excited in them a new thirst of the intellect and imagination. If you provide that craving with no wholesome food, you at least have no right to blame it if it shall gorge itself with poison.
Dare for once to do a strange thing, and let yourself be laughed at; go to a workman"s meeting--a Chartist meeting, if you will; and look honestly at the faces and brows of those so-called incendiaries, whom your venal caricaturists have taught you to believe a mixture of cur-dog and baboon--we, for our part, shall not be ashamed to show foreheads against your laughing House of Commons--and then say, what employment can those men find in the soulless routine of mechanical labour for the ma.s.s of brain which they almost universally possess? They must either dream or agitate; perhaps they are now learning how to do both to some purpose.
But I have found, by sad experience, that there is little use in declamation. I had much better simply tell my story, and leave my readers to judge of the facts, if, indeed, they will be so far courteous as to believe them.
CHAPTER VIII.
LIGHT IN A DARK PLACE.
So I made my first attempt at poetry--need I say that my subject was the beautiful Lillian? And need I say, too, that I was as utterly disgusted at my attempt to express her in words, as I had been at my trial with the pencil? It chanced also, that after hammering out half a dozen verses, I met with Mr. Tennyson"s poems; and the unequalled sketches of women that I found there, while they had, with the rest of the book, a new and abiding influence on my mind, were quite enough to show me my own fatal incompetency in that line. I threw my verses away, never to resume them.
Perhaps I proved thereby the depth of my affection. Our mightiest feelings, are always those which remain most unspoken. The most intense lovers and the greatest poets have generally, I think, written very little personal love-poetry, while they have shown in fict.i.tious characters a knowledge of the pa.s.sion too painfully intimate to be spoken of in the first person.
But to escape from my own thoughts, I could not help writing something; and to escape from my own private sorrows, writing on some matter with which I had no personal concern. And so, after much casting about for subjects, Childe Harold and the old missionary records contrived to celebrate a spiritual wedding in my brain, of which anomalous marriage came a proportionately anomalous offspring.
My hero was not to be a pirate, but a pious sea-rover, who, with a crew of saints, or at least uncommonly fine fellows, who could be very manly and jolly, and yet all be good Christians, of a somewhat vague and lat.i.tudinarian cast of doctrine (for my own was becoming rapidly so), set forth under the red-cross flag to colonize and convert one of my old paradises, a South Sea Island.
I forget most of the lines--they were probably great trash, but I hugged them to my bosom as a young mother does her first child.
"Twas sunset in the lone Pacific world, The rich gleams fading in the western sky; Within the still Lagoon the sails were furled, The red-cross flag alone was flaunting high.
Before them was the low and palm-fringed sh.o.r.e, Behind, the outer ocean"s baffled roar.
After which valiant plunge _in medias res_, came a great lump of deception, after the manner of youths--of the island, and the whitehouses, and the banana groves, and above all, the single volcano towering over the whole, which
Shaking a sinful isle with thundering shocks, Reproved the worshippers of stones and stocks.
Then how a line of foam appears on the Lagoon, which is supposed at first to be a shoal of fish, but turns out to be a troop of naked island beauties, swimming out to the ship. The decent missionaries were certainly guiltless of putting that into my head, whether they ever saw it or not--a great many things happening in the South Seas of which they find it convenient to say nothing. I think I picked it up from Wallis, or Cook, or some other plain spoken voyager.
The crew gaze in pardonable admiration, but the hero, in a long speech, reproves them for their lightmindedness, reminds them of their sacred mission, and informs them that,
The soldiers of the cross should turn their eyes From carnal l.u.s.ts and heathen vanities;
beyond which indisputable a.s.sertion I never got; for this being about the fiftieth stanza, I stopped to take breath a little; and reading and re-reading, patching and touching continually, grew so accustomed to my bantling"s face, that, like a mother, I could not tell whether it was handsome or hideous, sense or nonsense. I have since found out that the true plan, for myself at least, is to write off as much as possible at a time, and then lay it by and forget it for weeks--if I can, for months.
After that, on returning to it, the mind regards it as something altogether strange and new, and can, or rather ought to, judge of it as it would of the work of another pen.
But really, between conceit and disgust, fancying myself one day a great new poet, and the next a mere twaddler, I got so puzzled and anxious, that I determined to pluck up courage, go to Mackaye, and ask him to solve the problem for me.
"Hech, sirs, poetry! I"ve been expecting it. I suppose it"s the appointed gate o" a workman"s intellectual life--that same l.u.s.t o" versification.
Aweel, aweel,--let"s hear."
Blushing and trembling, I read my verses aloud in as resonant and magniloquent a voice as I could command. I thought Mackaye"s upper lip would never stop lengthening, or his lower lip protruding. He chuckled intensely at the unfortunate rhyme between "shocks" and "stocks." Indeed, it kept him in chuckling matter for a whole month afterwards; but when I had got to the shoal of naked girls, he could bear no more, and burst out--
"What the deevil! is there no harlotry and idolatry here in England, that ye maun gang speering after it in the Cannibal Islands? Are ye gaun to be like they puir aristocrat bodies, that wad suner hear an Italian dog howl, than an English nightingale sing, and winna harken to Mr. John Thomas till he calls himself Giovanni Thomasino; or do ye tak yourself for a singing-bird, to go all your days tweedle-dumdeeing out into the lift, just for the l.u.s.t o" hearing your ain clan clatter? Will ye be a man or a lintic? Coral Islands? Pacific? What do ye ken about Pacifics? Are ye a c.o.c.kney or a Cannibal Islander? Dinna stand there, ye gowk, as fusionless as a docken, but tell me that! Whaur do ye live?"
"What do you mean, Mr. Mackaye?" asked I, with a doleful and disappointed visage.
"Mean--why, if G.o.d had meant ye to write aboot Pacifics, He"d ha" put ye there--and because He means ye to write aboot London town, He"s put ye there--and gien ye an unco sharp taste o" the ways o"t; and I"ll gie ye anither. Come along wi" me."
And he seized me by the arm, and hardly giving me time to put on my hat, marched me out into the streets, and away through Clare Market to St.
Giles"s.
It was a foul, chilly, foggy Sat.u.r.day night. From the butchers" and greengrocers" shops the gas lights flared and flickered, wild and ghastly, over haggard groups of slip-shod dirty women, bargaining for sc.r.a.ps of stale meat and frost-bitten vegetables, wrangling about short weight and bad quality. Fish-stalls and fruit-stalls lined the edge of the greasy pavement, sending up odours as foul as the language of sellers and buyers.
Blood and sewer-water crawled from under doors and out of spouts, and reeked down the gutters among offal, animal and vegetable, in every stage of putrefaction. Foul vapours rose from cowsheds and slaughter houses, and the doorways of undrained alleys, where the inhabitants carried the filth out on their shoes from the back-yard into the court, and from the court up into the main street; while above, hanging like cliffs over the streets--those narrow, brawling torrents of filth, and poverty, and sin,--the houses with their teeming load of life were piled up into the dingy, choking night. A ghastly, deafening sickening sight it was. Go, scented Belgravian! and see what London is! and then go to the library which G.o.d has given thee--one often fears in vain--and see what science says this London might be!
"Ay," he muttered to himself, as he strode along, "sing awa; get yoursel wi" child wi" pretty fancies and gran" words, like the rest o" the poets, and gang to h.e.l.l for it."
"To h.e.l.l, Mr. Mackaye?"
"Ay, to a verra real h.e.l.l, Alton Locke, laddie--a wa.r.s.e ane than ony fiends" kitchen, or subterranean Smithfield that ye"ll hear o" in the pulpits--the h.e.l.l on earth o" being a flunkey, and a humbug, and a useless peac.o.c.k, wasting G.o.d"s gifts on your ain l.u.s.ts and pleasures--and kenning it--and not being able to get oot o" it, for the chains o" vanity and self-indulgence. I"ve warned ye. Now look there--"
He stopped suddenly before the entrance of a miserable alley--
"Look! there"s not a soul down that yard but"s either beggar, drunkard, thief, or wa.r.s.e. Write anent that! Say how you saw the mouth o" h.e.l.l, and the twa pillars thereof at the entry--the p.a.w.nbroker"s shop o" one side, and the gin palace at the other--twa monstrous deevils, eating up men, and women, and bairns, body and soul. Look at the jaws o" the monsters, how they open and open, and swallow in anither victim and anither. Write anent that."
"What jaws, Mr. Mackaye?"
"They faulding-doors o" the gin shop, goose. Are na they a mair d.a.m.nable man-devouring idol than ony red-hot statue o" Moloch, or wicker Gogmagog, wherein thae auld Britons burnt their prisoners? Look at thae bare-footed bare-backed hizzies, with their arms roun" the men"s necks, and their mouths full o" vitriol and beastly words! Look at that Irishwoman pouring the gin down the babbie"s throat! Look at that rough o" a boy gaun out o" the p.a.w.n shop, where he"s been pledging the handkerchief he stole the morning, into the gin shop, to buy beer poisoned wi" grains o"
paradise, and cocculus indicus, and saut, and a" d.a.m.nable, maddening, thirst-breeding, l.u.s.t-breeding drugs! Look at that girl that went in wi"
a shawl on her back and cam" out wi"out ane! Drunkards frae the breast!--harlots frae the cradle! d.a.m.ned before they"re born! John Calvin had an inkling o" the truth there, I"m a"most driven to think, wi" his reprobation deevil"s doctrines!"
"Well--but--Mr. Mackaye, I know nothing about these poor creatures."