"You seem to know more than I do, Augustine," she said: "I"ve not thought it out as you have. And it seems to me that any great emotion is more of an end in itself than you would grant. But if the illicit pa.s.sion thinks itself real and thinks itself enduring, and proves neither, what of it then? What do you think of lovers to whom that happens? It so often happens, you know."
Augustine had his cheerful answer ready. "Then they are stupid as well as sinful. Of course it is sinful to be stupid. We"ve learned that from Plato and Hegel, haven"t we?"
The parlour-maid came out to announce lunch. Lady Channice was spared an answer. She went to her room feeling shattered, as if great stones had been hurled upon her.
Yes, she thought, gazing at herself in the mirror, while she untied her scarf and smoothed her hair, yes, she had never yet, with all her agonies of penitence, seen so clearly what she had been: a sinner: a stupid sinner. Augustine"s rigorous young theories might set too inhuman an ideal, but that aspect of them stood out clear: he had put, in bald, ugly words, what, in essence, her love for Paul Quentin had been: he had stripped all the veils and wreaths away. It had been self; self, blind in desire, cruel when blindness left it: there had been no real love and no fidelity to redeem the baseness. A stupid sinner; that, her son had told her, was what she had been. The horror of it smote back upon her from her widened, mirrored eyes, and she sat for a moment thinking that she must faint.
Then she remembered that Augustine was waiting for her downstairs and that in little more than an hour her husband would be with her. And suddenly the agony lightened. A giddiness of relief came over her. He was kind: he did not judge her: he knew all, yet he respected her.
Augustine was like the bleak, stony moor; she must shut her eyes and stumble on towards the firelight. And as she thought of that nearing brightness, of her husband"s eyes, that never judged, never grew hard or fierce or remote from human tolerance, a strange repulsion from her son rose in her. Cold, fierce, righteous boy; cold, heartless theories that one throb of human emotion would rightly shatter;--the thought was almost like an echo of Paul Quentin speaking in her heart to comfort her. She sprang up: that was indeed the last turn of horror. If she was not to faint she must not think. Action alone could dispel the whirling mist where she did not know herself.
She went down to the dining-room. Augustine stood looking out of the window. "Do come and see this delightful swallow," he said: "he"s skimming over and over the lawn."
She felt that she could not look at the swallow. She could only walk to her chair and sink down on it. Augustine repelled her with his cheerfulness, his trivial satisfactions. How could he not know that she was in torment and that he had plunged her there. This involuntary injustice to him was, she saw again, veritably crazed.
She poured herself out water and said in a voice that surprised herself:--"Very delightful, I am sure; but come and have your lunch. I am hungry."
"And how pale you are," said Augustine, going to his place. "We stayed out too long. You got chilled." He looked at her with the solicitude that was like a brother"s--or a doctor"s. That jarred upon her racked nerves, too.
"Yes; I am cold," she said.
She took food upon her plate and pretended to eat. Augustine, she guessed, must already feel the change in her. He must see that she only pretended. But he said nothing more. His tact was a further turn to the knot of her sudden misery.
Augustine was with her in the drawing-room when she heard the wheels of the station-fly grinding on the gravel drive; they sounded very faintly in the drawing-room, but, from years of listening, her hearing had grown very acute.
She could never meet her husband without an emotion that betrayed itself in pallor and trembling and today the emotion was so marked that Augustine"s presence was at once a safeguard and an anxiety; before Augustine she could be sure of not breaking down, not bursting into tears of mingled gladness and wretchedness, but though he would keep her from betraying too much to Sir Hugh, would she not betray too much to him? He was reading a review and laid it down as the door opened: she could only hope that he noticed nothing.
Sir Hugh came in quickly. At fifty-four he was still a very handsome man of a chivalrous and soldierly bearing. He had long limbs, broad shoulders and a not yet expanded waist. His nose and chin were clearly and strongly cut, his eyes brightly blue; his moustache ran to decisive little points twisted up from the lip and was as decorative as an epaulette upon a martial shoulder. Pleasantness radiated from him, and though, with years, this pleasantness was significant rather of his general att.i.tude than of his individual interest, though his movements had become a little indolent and his features a little heavy, these changes, to affectionate eyes, were merely towards a more p.r.o.nounced geniality and contentedness.
Today, however, geniality and contentment were less apparent. He looked slightly nipped and hardened, and, seeming pleased to find a fire, he stood before it, after he had shaken hands with his wife and with Augustine, and said that it had been awfully cold in the train.
"We will have tea at half past four instead of five today, then," said Amabel.
But no, he replied, he couldn"t stop for tea: he must catch the four-four back to town: he had a dinner and should only just make it.
His eye wandered a little vaguely about the room, but he brought it back to Amabel to say with a smile that the fire made up for the loss of tea.
There was then a little silence during which it might have been inferred that Sir Hugh expected Augustine to leave the room. Amabel, too, expected it; but Augustine had taken up his review and was reading again. She felt her fear of him, her anger against him, grow.
Very pleasantly, Sir Hugh at last suggested that he had a little business to talk over. "I think I"ll ask Augustine to let us have a half hour"s talk."
"Oh, I"ll not interfere with business," said Augustine, not lifting his eyes.
The silence, now, was more than uncomfortable; to Amabel it was suffocating. She could guess too well that some latent enmity was expressed in Augustine"s a.s.sumed unconsciousness. That Sir Hugh was surprised, displeased, was evident; but, when he spoke again, after a little pause, it was still pleasantly:--"Not with business, but with talk you will interfere. I"m afraid I must ask you.--I don"t often have a chance to talk with your mother.--I"ll see you later, eh?"
Augustine made no reply. He rose and walked out of the room.
Sir Hugh still stood before the fire, lifting first the sole of one boot and then the other to the blaze. "Hasn"t always quite nice manners, has he, the boy"; he observed. "I didn"t want to have to send him out, you know."
"He didn"t realize that you wanted to talk to me alone." Amabel felt herself offering the excuse from a heart turned to stone.
"Didn"t he, do you think? Perhaps not. We always do talk alone, you know. He"s just a trifle tactless, shows a bit of temper sometimes. I"ve noticed it. I hope he doesn"t bother you with it."
"No. I never saw him like that, before," said Amabel, looking down as she sat in her chair.
"Well, that"s all that matters," said Sir Hugh, as if satisfied.
His boots were quite hot now and he went to the writing-desk drawing a case of papers from his breast-pocket.
"Here are some of your securities, Amabel," he said: "I want a few more signatures. Things haven"t been going very well with me lately. I"d be awfully obliged if you"d help me out."
"Oh--gladly--" she murmured. She rose and came to the desk. She hardly saw the papers through a blur of miserable tears while she wrote her name here and there. She was shut out in the mist and dark; he wasn"t thinking of her at all; he was chill, preoccupied; something was displeasing him; decisively, almost sharply, he told her where to write.
"You mustn"t be worried, you know," he observed as he pointed out the last place; "I"m arranging here, you see, to pa.s.s Charlock House over to you for good. That is a little return for all you"ve done. It"s not a valueless property. And then Bertram tied up a good sum for the child, you know."
His speaking of "the child," made her heart stop beating, it brought the past so near.--And was Charlock House to be her very own? "Oh," she murmured, "that is too good of you.--You mustn"t do that.--Apart from Augustine"s share, all that I have is yours; I want no return."
"Ah, but I want you to have it"; said Sir Hugh; "it will ease my conscience a little. And you really do care for the grim old place, don"t you."
"I love it."
"Well, sign here, and here, and it"s yours. There. Now you are mistress in your own home. You don"t know how good you"ve been to me, Amabel."
The voice was the old, kind voice, touched even, it seemed, with an unwonted feeling, and, suddenly, the tears ran down her cheeks as, looking at the papers that gave her her home, she said, faltering:--"You are not displeased with me?--Nothing is the matter?"
He looked at her, startled, a little confused. "Why my dear girl,--displeased with you?--How could I be?--No. It"s only these confounded affairs of mine that are in a bit of a mess just now."
"And can"t I be of even more help--without any returns? I can be so economical for myself, here. I need almost nothing in my quiet life."
Sir Hugh flushed. "Oh, you"ve not much more to give, my dear. I"ve taken you at your word."
"Take me completely at my word. Take everything."
"You dear little saint," he said. He patted her shoulder. The door was wide; the fire shone upon her. She felt herself falling on her knees before it, with happy tears. He, who knew all, could say that to her, with sincerity. The day of lowering fear and bewilderment opened to sudden joy. His hand was on her shoulder; she lifted it and kissed it.
"Oh! Don"t!"--said Sir Hugh. He drew his hand sharply away. There was confusion, irritation, in his little laugh.
Amabel"s tears stood on scarlet cheeks. Did he not understand?--Did he think?--And was he right in thinking?--Shame flooded her. What girlish impulse had mingled incredibly with her grat.i.tude, her devotion?
Sir Hugh had turned away, and as she sat there, amazed with her sudden suspicion, the door opened and Augustine came in saying:--"Here is Lady Elliston, Mother."
V
Lady Elliston helped her. How that, too, brought back the past to Amabel as she rose and moved forward, before her husband and her son, to greet the friend of twenty years ago.