Two Days BeforeIt was the first day since Professor had pa.s.sed away.
I spent my time idly in the mansion. I had been sitting quietly all night, staring at the scenery outside the window of the living room. The sky was ironically blue, and the birds were chirping. They almost seemed to be singing a hymn of peace. But I felt I was the only person left in the world. I wasn"t sad, It was more that I was unable to fully embrace the truth.
Not knowing what to do, I eventually returned to my usual routine work.
My ch.o.r.es.
I gave the mansion a good cleaning, cut the gra.s.s, and paid the bills.
When I was trying to wash Professor"s clothes, I found my hands shaking. After preparing the meals, I was in shock, realizing that no one would finish my dishes.
The bed in Professor"s bedroom was cold. When the thought that the bed would never be warm again came up onto my mind, I felt a tearing in my chest.
I did not even know what I was doing. But I continued with the ch.o.r.es. That was how I kept escaping from the truth. It was simply too scary for me to face the reality.
By night time, I eventually had nothing else left to do.
I sat in the hall outside the bedroom, hugging my knees. I felt like if I waited long enough Professor might return. That was why I was firmly grasping her cigarette case and waiting for her all night long.
But Professor did not return.
--WARNING--
At dawn, there was an electronic voice from my mind circuit.
--BATTERY EXHAUSTION IN 5 MINUTES--
A voice with no intonation, spoken in a businesslike tone.
--PLEASE BEGIN CHARGING BATTERY IMMEDIATELY--
I stood up unsteadily and stumbled towards the laboratory.
On my way, I fell down the stairs because I was running out of power. My right foot twisted towards a weird direction. Dragging one of my legs, I walked slowly towards the laboratory.
Sitting on the milk-white bed, I opened my wrist. The linking unit for recharging appeared.
It was at that time that I had a sudden impulse to cut my wrist.
If I cut my wrist, I would die. I would have an easy way out. I would be able to go to where Doctor had gone to.
As my mental state had been a mess ever since Professor had died, I quickly proceeded to realize my desire.
Holding a repair torch, I pressed the switch. A shimmer of hot air shot out of its mouth. Shortly after, a red pillar of flame appeared. Slowly, I moved the burner towards my wrist. Metallic droplets like sweat showed up and the linking unit slowly melted. In ten seconds, the electrical outlet was totally burnt. A huge volume of black machine oil burst out of it.
It was a miserable scene. The outburst of oil from my wrist reached even the ceiling. The laboratory which had been as white as a snowfield turned into a dark room filled with stinky oil. Staring at the scene in a state of ecstasy, the electronic voice of "WARNING! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!"inside my mind circuit screamed hysterically.
It took five minutes for all the machine oil to flow out of my body. There was just a dark liquid kept shooting out of my wrist. It was almost like the water fountain in the square outside the train station.
And then,
I had a violent shivering fit.
I had never felt anything like it before. Dizziness, nausea, and an intense pain like my cranium being twisted and scratched, hit me quickly again and again. Like a human who drank poison, my lips were trembling. Feeling extremely sick, I rolled on the floor in pain and clutched my chest.
--WARNING! 30 SECONDS BEFORE BATTERY EXHAUSTED! PLEASE START MAINTENANCE PROCEDURES IMMEDIATELY—-
In its usual, businesslike tone, the electronic voice declared my coming death.
Suddenly, like a lunatic, my eyes opened wide.
-- No! I don"t want to die!--
I stood up in a panic and grabbed the recharging cable violently. Repeatedly I tried to plug into the electrical outlet of my wrist with the cable. However the charging unit had been deformed from heat. Like trying to thread a needle, all my attempts to link the cable with the unit failed.
--BATTERY EXHAUSTED IN 10 SECONDS, 9, 8, 7…--
Panting in fear, I continued to stab the linking unit in my wrist with the cable. Stab. Stab. Stab. Stab. I don"t want to die. I don"t want to die. I don"t want to die. I don"t want to die.
With a crisp sound of the cable being plunged into the linking unit, electricity and machine oil began to be pumped into my body. The warning sound stopped, and I was relieved from the shivering fit and the nauseous feeling.
I was relieved, from the bottom of my heart.
Ah… now I don"t have to die.
Great.
--Great?
I was shocked at my thought.
Is it good that I didn"t die?
…when Professor has already pa.s.sed away?
Is living alone such a happy thing?
Is shamelessly clinging to life and living in dishonour such a happy thing?
The other self inside my body kept whispering.
Iris Rain Umbrella. Why are you still alive? You are a robot after all. Why are you afraid of death? With the master served by you being gone for good, there is no longer any meaning to your existence. Despite this why are you still clinging to life? Die! Die! Die quickly now!
Extremely disgusted with myself, I scratched my head fiercely and tried to pluck my hair.
Undoubtedly, I was obsessed with living. I wanted to live. I did not want to die. That was what I felt, what I realized, after my first time facing death.
I despised myself. Despite loving Professor so much, despite day-by-day shamelessly telling her how much I loved her, I could not even bring myself to follow her.
Whenever I plucked at my hair, the cable clinging from my wrist hit the floor. It was extremely troublesome, but I did not have the courage to pull it away.
The walls and ceiling were black and stunk. Sitting in the black blood that had burst from my body, I kept plucking at my hair like a lunatic. Dozens and dozens of hairs plucked from my head fell onto the ground.