"This last remark aroused me, and I replied that I would never go back, even if I had to starve. "Don"t worry, mother," I said, "I"ll go now, and if I don"t find a place, I won"t come back." "Oh, what a torture it is to have children," moaned my mother. "Don"t you know your father would kill me if you did not return?"
"Her words fell on heedless ears, for I was already half way down the stairs. I bought a paper and in it read this advertis.e.m.e.nt, "Wanted: a neat girl to do second work in suburb near Chicago. Apply to No. -- Wabash Avenue." Within an hour I presented myself at Mr. Eaton"s office, was engaged by him, received a railroad ticket and instructions how to go to Kenilworth the following evening. On my way home I made up my mind to tell n.o.body where I was going. I packed my few belongings and told my mother that I had secured a place with a certain Mrs. So-and-so who lived in Such-and-such a street. I lied to the best of my ability and satisfied my mother thoroughly.
"The next morning I went away, and was soon speeding to Kenilworth, where I was met at the station by my future mistress and her mother, two extremely aristocratic women, who received me kindly and walked with me to my new home, instructing me on the way in regard to my duties in the household. These consisted mainly in being scrupulously neat, answering the door-bell and waiting on the table. I began at once to work very willingly and obligingly, and also helped the other girl working in the household, and everybody was kind to me in return. I did not, however, take this kindness to heart as I would have done a year or two earlier, for I had learned to my cost that kindness of this kind was generally only on the surface.
"But my new mistress soon proved to be a true gentlewoman, who treated her servants like human beings. To work for a mistress who did not try to interfere with my private life or regulate my religion or my morals was an unusual and pleasing experience for me. This lady was as tolerant and broad-minded toward her servants as she was toward herself, rather more so, I think, for cares and age had removed from her desires and temptations for which she still had sympathy when showing themselves in younger people. I soon saw, to my astonishment, that things which my mother and my other employers had told me were evil, and which I had learned almost to think were so, did not seem evil to this sweet lady.
I remember how kindly and sadly she said to me once, when I had spent half the night out with a young man: "Little Marie, it is a sad thing in life that what seems to us the sweetest and the best, and what indeed is the sweetest and the best, often leads to our harm and the harm of others. It would be foolish of me to pretend to know which of your actions is good and which is bad; but remember that life is very difficult and hard to lead right, and that you must be careful and always thoughtful of what is good and what is evil. I myself have never learned to know for sure what is good or evil, but as I grow older I am certain that we act always for the one or for the other."
"Under these conditions, in the home of such a sweet and tolerant woman, all the throbbing joy of life and youth awoke again within me. Cut off from the old scenes and companions, I entered upon a new existence. I made many friends with the young people in the neighbourhood, and for the first time felt free and without the opposition of anybody. I had not written my mother or in any way let her know where I was, and no disturbing word came from my past. I sang all day at my work, and in the evening I joined my new companions and together we roamed and frolicked to our hearts" content. I had many young men friends and could satisfy my desire to be in their society, talk to, dance with them, without arousing evil thoughts in others or, consequently, in ourselves.
"Under these happy influences I grew healthier and more wholesome in every way. People began to say I was pretty, and indeed I did grow to be very good-looking. My figure had reached its fullest development and the rosy bloom of youth and of health was in my cheeks. I was strong and vigorous, self-reliant and independent, and very happy. I became quite a favourite and the recognised leader in the mischievous frolics of the young people. Hardly an evening pa.s.sed that did not bring a scene of gaiety. It seemed to me that I had never lived before and that I was making up for all the pleasures I had not known. There was, indeed, something heartless and cruel in my happiness, for I never once wrote to my mother, selfishly fearing to have my present joy disturbed.
"My fears had good reason, too, it seems, for I had lived in those pleasant surroundings only a few months when one evening, while I was enjoying myself at a moon-light picnic, I was approached by a sober, stern-looking man who drew me away from my friends and asked me my name.
When I had told him, he showed me a newspaper clipping of an article with the head-lines, "Mysterious Disappearance of a Young Girl." For some moments I stood as if turned to stone, gazing stupidly at the paper. Then troubled thoughts took possession of me. "What shall I do?
What will become of me?" I remembered my mother so often saying that if I ran away I would be put in the House of Correction. At this thought I shuddered and exclaimed aloud, "No, no." The man had been watching me closely and he asked: "Is it true," pointing to the article. I stared at him, for a moment too absorbed in my inner terror to be very conscious of him. When he repeated the question, I looked at him with a more intelligent expression in my eyes, and he, seeing my condition, spoke to me kindly and persuasively.
""Tell me the truth," he said, "And I will help and advise you." So I told him the whole story, and he rea.s.sured me, saying, "Don"t be afraid, little girl, I have no doubt your mother will forgive you if you explain to her in the way you have to me. It is hard for children to understand their parents. I know, for I have children of my own, and sometimes they think me unkind when I am trying to do my best for them."
He was kind, but he was firm, too, and said that if I did not write my mother, he should do so himself. So I at last consented, and as a result went back to the city: for my mother, my unfortunate, cruel mother, wanted me for some strange reason, to be near her."
CHAPTER IV
_Adventures In s.e.x_
When Marie returned to her home, she found that her father had died. It made little difference, practical or otherwise, to her or to her mother, except to make her stay in the house less dangerous, though quite as irksome, as formerly. Her mother had, of course, reproached her bitterly for her conduct in running away, and had kept up her complaint so constantly that Marie could hardly endure her home even for the night and early morning. So for that reason, as well as for the need of making her living, Marie went again into service, going quickly from one job to another in the city.
And now there came for her a period of wildness, in the ordinary sense of the word. It was not the simple joys of her Kenilworth experience.
She had returned to her mother"s home in a kind of despair. It seemed to her as if the innocent pleasures of life were not for her. She had been torn away from her happiness and had been compelled to go back to conditions she hated. Her pa.s.sions were strong and her seventeen-year-old senses were highly developed by premature work and an irritating and ungenial home. So, in a kind of gloomy intensity, she let herself go in the ordinary way of unguarded young girlhood.
She gave herself to a young fellow she met in the street one evening, without joy but with deep seriousness. She did not even explain to him that it was her first experience. She wanted nothing from him but the pa.s.sionate illusion of s.e.x. And she parted from him without tenderness and without explanations, to take up with other men and boys in the same spirit of serious recklessness. She had for the time lost hope, and therefore, of course, care for herself, and her intense and pa.s.sionate nature strove to live itself out to the limit: an instinct for life and at the same time for destruction.
From this period of her life comes a story which she wrote for me, and which I quote as being typical of her att.i.tude and as throwing light on her personality.
"The Southwest corner of State and Madison Streets is the regular rendezvous of all sorts of men. They can be seen standing there every afternoon and evening, gazing at the surging crowd which pa.s.ses by. One sees day after day the same faces, and one wonders why they are there, for what they are looking. Some of these men have brutal, sensual faces; others are cynical-looking and sneer. These, it seems, nothing can move or surprise. They have a look which says: "Oh, I know you, I have met your kind before. You do not move me, nothing can. I have tried everything, there is nothing new for me." And yet they cannot tear themselves away from this corner, coming day after day and night after night, hoping against hope for some new adventure.
"Others stand there like owls, stupidly staring at the rushing tide of faces. They see nothing, and yet are seemingly hypnotised by the panorama of life. Here, too, pa.s.s the girls with the blond hair and the painted faces; they ogle the men, and as they cross the street raise their silken skirts a trifle, showing a bit of gay stocking. Here, too, is the secret meeting-place of lovers, who clasp hands furtively, glancing around with stealth. All this is seen by the sensual men, who glance enviously at the lovers, and by the cynical men whose cold smiles seem to say: "Bah! how tiresome! wait, and your silly meetings will not be so charming!"
"On my evenings off I had sometimes stopped to gaze at this, to me, strangely moving sight. I saw in it then what I could not have seen a few months before; but not as much as I can see now. Then it excited me with the sense of a possible adventure. Strange, but I never went there when I was happy, only when I was uncommonly depressed.
"On a chilly Sunday evening in October I was waiting on this corner to take a car to the furnished room of a factory girl, named Alice, whom I knew was out of town. As I was out of a job and did not want to go home, I had availed myself of her place for a few days. As I was waiting on this corner, I saw a face in the crowd that attracted me. It was, as I afterward learned, the face of a club man, who had, on this Sunday evening, drifted with the crowd and landed at this spot. He, too, had stopped and gazed around him, idly. Several times he started as if to move on, but he apparently thought this place as good as any other, and so remained. He seemed not to know what to do, to be tired of himself.
His face was quite the ordinary American type, clean-cut features, rather thin and cold, with honest grey eyes, but, in his case, a mouth rather sensuous and a general air of curiosity and life which interested me.
"I was sufficiently interested to allow several cars to pa.s.s by, while I watched him. I noticed by the way he looked at the women who pa.s.sed that he was familiar with their kind. Several gay girls tried to attract his attention, but he turned away, bored. Finally I began to walk away, and then for the first time his face lighted up with interest. I was apparently something new. I wore a straw hat, and a thin coat b.u.t.toned tightly about my chest. My thin little face was almost ghastly with pallor, and it made a strange contrast with my full red lips, which were almost scarlet, and my big glowing black eyes. He probably saw that I was poor, dressed as I was at that season. Why is it that for many rich men a working girl half fed and badly dressed is so much more attractive than a fine woman of the town or a nice lady?
"As I pa.s.sed him, he said, "Good evening," in a low and timid tone, as if he thought I surely would not answer. I think it surprised him when I looked him full in the face and replied, "Good evening!" He still hesitated, until he saw in my face what I knew to be almost an appealing look. I knew that in the depths of my eyes a smile was lurking, and I wanted to bring it forth! A moment later, I smiled indeed, when he stepped forward, lifted his hat, and asked with a.s.surance: "May I walk with you? Are you going anywhere?"
""Yes, I am going somewhere," I said, smiling. "To a meeting place in Adams Street to hear a lecture."
""Oh, I say, girlie," he cried, "You"re jollying. That must be a very dull thing for you, a lecture."
""Sometimes it"s funny," I said. But I did not say much about it, as I had never yet been to a lecture. I made up for that later in my life! I of course had no intention of going to this.
""Come," he urged, "let"s go in somewhere and have something to eat and drink."
""Yes, I will have something, not to eat, though, but let us go where there are lots of people and lights and all that sort of thing," I finished, vaguely.
"Charley tucked my arm in his and we walked along State Street until we came to a brilliantly lighted cafe. The place was crowded with well-dressed men and beautiful women, eating and drinking, chatting and laughing. Waiters were hastening to and fro. An orchestra was playing gay music, as we wound our way through the crowd to a table. I was painfully conscious that my shabby coat and straw hat attracted attention. Some of the women stared at me with a look of conscious superiority in their eyes, others with a look of still more galling pity. Charley, too, I thought, seemed nervous. Perhaps he did not relish being seen by some possible acquaintance with so dilapidated-looking a person!
"But soon I lost consciousness of these things and gave myself up to the scene and the music. My sense of pleasure seemed to communicate itself to my companion, who ordered some drinks; I don"t know what they were, but they tasted good--some kind of cordial. I took longer and longer sips: it was a new and very pleasant flavour. He ordered more of the same kind and watched me with interest as I drank and looked about me.
""Oh," I said, "what beautiful women, and how happy they are! look at that one with the blond hair. Isn"t she beautiful, a real dream?"
"Charley replied in a tone of contempt: "Yes, she"s beautiful, but I would not envy her, if I were you--neither her happiness nor her good looks. She needs those looks in her business. Nearly all the women here belong to her cla.s.s."
"Charles looked at me intently as he said this. Perhaps he thought I would be angry because he had brought me to such a place. But I watched the girls with even greater interest and said: "Ah, but they must be happy!"
"Charles shrugged his shoulders and said, with contempt and some pity in his eyes, "A queer sort of happiness!"
"I looked at him rather angrily. He did not seem just to me.
""You don"t like them," I said, "you think they are vile and low. But you men seem to need them, just the same. Oh! I think they are brave girls!"
"Charles looked at me in apparent astonishment. But then a thought seemed to strike him. He was thinking that I might be one of that cla.s.s, for he asked me questions which showed me plainly enough what he was worrying about. He encouraged me to drink again, and said with a self-confident laugh, "you"re a cute one but you cannot fool me with any such tricks."
"I paid no attention to his remarks, and did not answer any of his personal questions. He could find out nothing about me. I would only smile and say, "I don"t want to know anything about you, why can"t you treat me the same way?"
"I could see that the less he knew, the more interested he became. He plied me with drinks, perhaps thinking that the sweet liquor would loosen my tongue. Soon I began to feel a little queer and the room began to go round, taking with it the faces of the men and women. After this dizziness pa.s.sed, I felt very happy indeed, and smiled at everybody in the room; and wanted to go and tell them all how much I liked them. But I did not dare trust my legs, they felt so heavy. I thought I would like to stay there always, listening to the music and watching the people.
"I suppose my happiness heightened my colour, for Charles said, "what a beautiful mouth you have, what red lips. One would almost believe they were painted. How your upper lip lifts when you smile, Marie! Don"t you want to go out now?"
""Yes, yes," I replied, hastily, "I must go home now."
"I sprang from my chair, I made for the door, but he, quickly seizing his hat, followed me and took my arm. I went very slowly for my feet seemed weighted. They were inclined to go one way, while I went another.
So when Charles led me I was quite thankful. As we went out into the street he asked me where I was living, what I did, and if I were married, all in one breath. This made me laugh merrily, as I a.s.sured him I was not married. I told him I lived away out on the West Side and that he could see me home, if he wanted; but not to, if it was out of his way, for I was used to going alone. He eagerly accepted, and we took a car.
"I fell dreaming on the way, of all nice things. The days in Kenilworth came back to me and I smiled to myself and wistfully hoped my present happiness would last. My companion eagerly devoured me with his eyes, and asked me many pressing questions. I answered only very vaguely, for my mind was full of other things. So finally Charles, too, was silent, and merely watched me.
"Suddenly I woke to the fact that I was at Alice"s room, so I hastily arose and signalled to the car to stop. Turning to Charles I extended my hand in a good-bye and said: "This is where I live." But he quickly got off with me saying he would see me to the house. "I don"t like to leave you alone this time of night," he said. As we stopped in front of the dilapidated-looking frame building where I was staying for a few days, he seemed much embarra.s.sed and not to know what to say. Pointing upwards, I said, "that"s where I live." "Do you live alone?" he asked.
"Yes, now, not always. Good night--Charles," I answered, mischievously, but with a real and disturbing feeling taking possession of me.
"But he seized me by the hand: "Don"t leave me yet, girlie," he pleaded.
"Think how lonesome I"ll be when you are gone!" He drew me to him in the darkness, and I did not object, why should I? My lips seemed to prepare themselves and after one long kiss that sad intensity seized me; and I sighed or sobbed, I don"t know which, as we went up the stairs together.
"An hour later, as he was about to descend the stairs, I said: "Charles, when will you come again?"