He bit into it. "Good thing I got here first."
TAMSYN LEFT THE ROOM TO THE SOUND OF NATE"S chuckle. The knives of pain inside her stabbed with brutal force, but she kept her composure until she heard him leave the house. Then she sat down on her bed and cried. The tears weren"t of frustration or simple hurt. They were the shattered cries of a broken heart.
Juanita had been wrong. The mating heat might have forced Nate into wanting her, but he didn"t actually see her as a s.e.xual, desirable woman. He saw her as comfortable...practical. Warm, loyal Tamsyn. If the bond hadn"t thrown them together, he"d probably never have looked at her twice, not as a man looks at a woman.
She might have lain there for hours, but she couldn"t bear to disappoint the kids. So she got up and dressed. What she saw in the mirror simply reinforced her earlier conclusions. Dressed in a pair of old jeans and a thick white sweater, with her hair pulled back into a ponytail, she looked young and...ordinary.
She was no temptress. She was safe and sensible, the one that juveniles came to for help without judgment, and mature women for ideas about how to handle rambunctious infants. Even senior packmates didn"t blink at asking her advice on Pack issues. Because she was trusted, both for her steady temperament and for her loyal heart. None of which was bad. Only she didn"t want Nathan to see her as that-she wanted him to see her as she saw him. As a lover, a playmate in the most intimate of arenas.
But he didn"t. And that blow cut so deep, she could barely think.
Something registered in her consciousness. A second later, she picked up the high-pitched sounds of children"s voices. The healer in her took over-there was no time for self-pity. Wiping her eyes with the backs of her hands, she went to the bathroom and splashed cold water over her face. Then she used her healing abilities to get rid of the redness around her eyes.
The doorbell rang.
Pasting on a smile, she walked down and opened the door. The kids" bright and excited faces turned her faux smile real, but nothing could heal the open wound that was the jagged beat of her animal heart.
NATE SAW TAMSYN AGAIN THAT DAY, BUT IT WAS HOURS later and with several others as they sat around her kitchen table eating dinner. She"d chosen not to sit next to him, but he could understand why. The awareness between them had only gotten stronger since this morning, until he could scent nothing but the sensual promise of her. She was everything he had ever wanted-that smile, that acerbic wit she seemed to show him alone, and lord help him, that body-and she was his. No other man had the right to her.
His beast wanted to roar its claim, but he fought the impulse. He"d wait. He"d wait...but maybe not as long as he"d initially planned. He"d give her another six months of freedom at least, let her live some of her dreams. She could go roaming if she liked, explore a bit of the wild. It might be dangerous, but Tamsyn was smarter and more mature than most of the other young leopards. She"d be fine.
The cat in him didn"t like the idea, knew how badly it would hurt to be parted from her, but it had to be done. He never wanted her to turn to him-as his mother had turned to his father-and accuse him of stealing her life. That would destroy him. Because she was his life. The thought of crushing her spirit was his personal nightmare.
"Are you going to eat or do you plan on staring at Tammy the whole night?" Juanita pa.s.sed him the potatoes.
"I can stare if I like." It was his right.
Rolling her eyes, she called out to Tammy. "Hey, where"s that dress you were going to wear tonight?"
Tammy colored. "I changed my mind."
"You look fine to me." Dressed in black slacks and a pale blue cardigan, she appeared soft and touchable. Strokable. s.h.i.t. His mind was going off track again. Before long, he"d start thinking about unb.u.t.toning that cardigan and kissing his way- "Great," Juanita hissed, breaking into the taut eroticism of his newest daydream. "Tell your mate she looks fine."
"What the h.e.l.l"s wrong with that?" He took the peas she almost shoved into his chest. "She looks-" He cut himself off before he said what he wanted to say, which was "pretty enough to bite into."
Juanita shot him a disgusted glance before turning her attention to the packmate on her other side. Ignoring her, Nate went back to the pleasurable task of watching Tamsyn. The beast bucked to taste her. Six months, he told it. Six more months and then you can have her. In every way. And over again.
BUT A BARE WEEK LATER, HIS HUNGER FOR HER HAD GOTTEN so bad that he had Cian rea.s.sign him to the perimeter. Tammy was no longer trying to flaunt herself at him-if anything, she seemed to be going to great lengths to give him s.p.a.ce. Paradoxically, that only amplified the building pressure to mate, to touch and taste and claim. Without the control provided by the vivid scars of memory, he"d have given in a hundred times already.
Still, he couldn"t keep from going to her each morning, just to see her smile. "Hey, sweetheart, any m.u.f.fins today?"
She gave him one, but there was no smile on her lips. "How"s the Solias King situation? Any decisions?"
"We"re planning to make a move in a few days." He"d already told her what they intended to do-she was his mate, and more than that, she was d.a.m.n sharp, an integral part of the steel backbone of the pack. "You want to come along? Be a nice run." He wanted to feel her beside him, strong and hotly female.
She shook her head. "This isn"t working, Nate."
The quick change in subject rattled him. He put down the food, belatedly aware of the bags under her eyes, the lack of light in her face. "We"ll get past it."
"Not living so close." She shook her head. "One of us has to leave."
He"d thought about setting her free to roam, but now that it had come down to it, he found he couldn"t let her go. "Don"t make any impulsive decisions. It"ll die down."
"No, it won"t. Don"t lie to me," she snapped, folding her arms. "We"re experiencing the final stages of the mating dance and it"s going to keep getting worse, especially if our beasts continuously sense each other"s presence. I was thinking I should go to-"
"Just wait." He fisted his hands to keep from touching her. "I"ll talk to some of the other mated pairs. Maybe there"s something we can do to lessen the impact."
"I thought you wanted me to go out into the world?" Her voice was soft, her skin flushed with need. "Isn"t that why you keep pushing me away?"
"Stay." That single word held his heart.
Nine.
STAY, HE"D SAID, BUT TAMSYN KNEW HE DIDN"T MEAN IT the way she needed him to mean it. The mating instinct urged him to protect her and so he wanted her in sight. It didn"t make him happy just to see her. Not like it made her heart bloom simply being in the same room as him.
If the mating urge died tomorrow, there would still be no other man for her. He was her one and only. But she wasn"t his. Her throat feeling as if she"d gotten a rock stuck in it, she left the parking garage in the city and crossed the street.
She"d promised the kids she"d get more lights for the tree, but now that she was here, she decided to pop into the bookstore, too. Nate liked reading. She knew exactly what to get him for Christmas. That thought made her want to cry again. Her nose grew stuffy with withheld tears as she strolled through the small and expensive hard-copy section. Most people bought the downloads, but she wanted to give Nate something he could hold, something that made him think of her.
Her choice was sold out, so she went to one of the consoles and ordered in another copy. That done, she picked up her other purchases and began to make her way to the exit.
That was when she saw her.
The Psy woman-a stranger with eyes of darkest brown and skin the same rich shade-was occupying a booth near the door. Dressed in a black pantsuit teamed with a white shirt, she appeared a serious business professional. But then again, all Psy seemed to wear variations on the same theme. Tamsyn had never seen one of the psychic race in any color, excepting white, that didn"t fall in the range from deep gray to brown/black.
On any other day, she would have kept walking. But today, she didn"t, her motive a mystery even to herself. "Excuse me," she said, coming to a standstill near the woman.
The Psy looked up. "Did you want the terminal? I"ll be finished in approximately one minute." She glanced over Tamsyn"s shoulder. "There are several others that appear free."
"No, I don"t want the terminal." Tamsyn looked at her, at her human-seeming eyes, her clear skin and shining fall of jet-black hair. There was nothing that marked this woman as different, as Psy, part of a race that had eliminated its emotions. "I wanted to ask you a question."
The stranger considered her request for a second. "Why are you asking me?"
"I need to ask a Psy and you"re the only one here."
"I can"t fault your logic." She tapped her finger on the screen to complete her purchase, then turned to give Tamsyn her full attention. "Your question?"
"Do you ever cry?" It seemed imperative that she know the answer.
The Psy didn"t react to the oddness of the question-if she had, she wouldn"t be Psy. "Even those of my race have little to no control over certain physiological reactions. If, for example, a foreign object were to accidentally enter or touch my eye, that eye would certainly produce fluid in an attempt to excrete the intruding matter."
Tamsyn frowned at the clinical description of such a wrenching, heartbreaking act. "No. I don"t mean that. I mean, do you cry?"
The stranger looked at her for several long moments. "As you chose to approach a Psy, you must know the answer to that question. However, I"ll respond as I see no possible negative repercussions from doing so." She picked up a slim electronic pad from the desk near the terminal. "No. We do not cry out of fear or sadness, anger, or rage. We do not feel, therefore, we do not shed tears."
"Don"t you miss it?" Tamsyn asked.
The Psy ran her gaze over Tamsyn"s face. "Judging from the redness of the blood vessels in your eyes and your stuffy nose, I believe I can say with certainty that crying is in no way a positive experience. Why would I miss it?"
"No. I meant...don"t you miss feeling?" Love and hope, joy and need.
"I can"t miss what I"ve never experienced," the other woman said, as if that should have been self-evident. "My race chose to eradicate emotion for a reason. Those with emotions are weak. We"re not. It"s why the Psy rule this planet." With that, she gave a curt nod and left.
Tamsyn stared after her, the words circling around and around in her head. Those with emotions are weak. She saw the reflection of her drawn, listless face in the terminal and found herself agreeing. For a frozen heartbeat, she wished she were like that Psy woman. Cool, controlled, focused. No attachments, no hopes, no dreams.
And no Nathan.
Her eyes, which had started to close, snapped open. "No," she whispered fiercely. She would not, could not, live in a world where Nathan didn"t exist. He might make her cry as much as he made her laugh, but she couldn"t imagine waking up one day and having emptiness where he was.
She didn"t know much about how and why the Psy race had stopped feeling, but it had to have been a terrible thing that had driven them down this path. Her healer"s soul ached for them-for the love they would never touch, but she knew she couldn"t help them. Not when they barricaded themselves in their high-rises, their minds shut to the possibility of hope.
It"s why the Psy rule this planet.
Tamsyn shook her head. The stranger was wrong. The Psy might rule, but their world was limited to towers of steel and gla.s.s. They knew nothing of the joy of running under a full moon and listening to the music played by the wind, of feeling the sensation of a packmate"s fur against human skin, of the sheer life that existed in the forests that were her world.
But the woman had been right about one thing-how could you miss something you had never experienced? Nathan had never been hers. Their beasts might cry out for each other, but if the human half of Nathan chose to repudiate that bond, who was she to stop him?
SHE LEFT THE NEXT DAY. THERE WAS NO OTHER WAY. IF SHE remained within reach, Nathan"s beast would eventually push him over the edge. And she couldn"t bear to lie with him knowing their intimacy was nothing more than the result of a physical compulsion. It would be a glimpse into her own personal vision of h.e.l.l.
Her friend, Finn, was more than happy to fly in on short notice.
"The healer in our pack"s not even forty, so I"m not going to get to do anything serious for a while," he told her when she met him at the airport and escorted him into their territory. DarkRiver wasn"t known for its friendliness toward unknown males. They couldn"t afford to be, not after the attack by the ShadowWalkers.
"I know," she said. "That"s why I asked you rather than Maria."
He gave her a smile but his eyes were watchful. "I appreciate it."
She ignored the unasked question. "I"m going to introduce you to the alpha. He knows you"re coming, of course, but the hierarchy has to be maintained." The laws of rank and hierarchy were there for a reason-they balanced the predatory nature of their animal halves with order.
Finn nodded. "I"ll feel better once he adopts me into DarkRiver. It wouldn"t do for one of your pack to slice me up because they figured me for an intruder."
Since she thought the same, she made sure to take him to Lachlan first thing. Even with that delay, she was ready to be on her way out of DarkRiver territory by late afternoon. "Take care of my people, Finn."
The twenty-one-year-old healer didn"t bother to conceal his worry this time. "What about you, Tam? Who"s looking after you?"
"I"ll be fine." She tightened her hands around the straps of her bag. "It might be permanent, you know that, right?"
"Yes." He stroked his hand over her hair, offering comfort in the changeling way. "But it shouldn"t be. You were born to be DarkRiver"s healer."
"I can work with another leopard pack." But Nathan couldn"t be replaced. Not when it was clear that Lachlan was preparing Lucas to step into his role as alpha sooner rather than later. When the time came, Lucas would need to rely on Nate"s experience and rock-solid advice. "Try it here," she made herself say. "If everything works out..."
"No rush." Finn"s tone was gentle. "I"ll hold your place until you come to your senses. Then I"ll happily return to the civilized world of our territory instead of this jungle."
She smiled at his joking, but as she walked away, she had the sick feeling she might never return. When she neared the fir she"d strung with Christmas decorations and lights, her eyes stung. "I"m sorry, Shayla," she whispered to the ghost that reproached her for leaving her pack when it still needed her.
They would be okay, she told herself. She"d started them on the road to healing. All they had to do was follow it. Tempting as it was to pa.s.s by quickly, she made herself look up. There was the ornament Vaughn had painted, right next to the one by Cian. Around them wove the string of lights Nate had hung after he"d growled at her for putting her fool neck in danger. And there was the star she"d almost thrown at him, she"d been so mad.
"Oh G.o.d." Blinking, she looked away...and kept walking.
Ten.
NATE RETURNED HOME CLOSE TO DAWN, COMING FROM A night raid to "suggest" Solias King look elsewhere for his development. The d.a.m.n, encroaching Psy would follow their advice, of that Nate was certain. Even in leopard form, he wanted to grin.
He"d stood watch for hours as Cian and a couple of others with tech training had methodically taken apart every piece of Psy equipment already onsite. While that might have been enough, Nate had gone a step further and buried several of the most expensive pieces in a section of DarkRiver land that bordered SnowDancer territory. No Psy would dare venture that close to wolf land. The feral pack had a reputation for ripping out intruders" throats and using the bleached-out bones as fence posts.
Just in case Solias King missed their point even after all that, they had also removed the semipermanent survey markers and disabled the rudimentary comm tower erected a few days ago. It was why DarkRiver had allowed the thing to go up in the first place-so they could destroy it, and in a fashion that made it clear they would brook no further trespa.s.s on their lands.
Nate was particularly proud of the crowning touch. Inspired by Tammy, he"d taken along a large Christmas ornament-an old-fashioned picture of the man in red and white-and hung it from the now useless comm tower. Then he"d wrapped a string of blinking multicolored lights around the metal skeleton.
He couldn"t wait to tell Tammy-she"d bust a gut over it. Taking on the Psy wasn"t usually a laughing matter, as the cold psychic race didn"t hesitate to kill. But from everything they had been able to unearth, it appeared that Solias King"s darker impulses were currently being curbed by his political aspirations. He couldn"t afford to come down hard on the changelings. Any violence and his own Council would turn against him.
Nate had no illusions that the Psy Council cared about changelings, but they d.a.m.n well did care about their bottom line. And that would suffer ma.s.sive depreciation if people thought the Psy were declaring a racial war. The Council would never allow such a panic to start over a small piece of land in the territory of what they considered a minor pack. Nate had a feeling DarkRiver wasn"t going to stay minor long, but until then, they could and would use the Council"s sense of arrogance to their advantage.
Shifting the second he cleared the doorway to his home, he pulled on a pair of jeans and an old cable-knit sweater. He had to see Tamsyn, no matter the ridiculously early hour. The royal blue sweater had been a gift from her. Maybe it would thaw her mood-she"d been more than a little distant when he"d dropped by this morning.
But his hopeful frame of mind disappeared the instant he got near her house-the area was blanketed in the scent of an unfamiliar male.
Unbidden, scenes of the carnage that had taken their last healer from them filled his mind. "Tammy!" He pounded on the door. "Tammy!"
The door swung open to reveal a young male. "Hel-" His voice cut off as Nate gripped him around the neck and lifted him off the floor.
"What have you done to her?" He tried to ignore the fact that the male was dressed only in a pair of pajama bottoms, his hair mussed.
I"m sick of stroking myself to sleep.
No, she wouldn"t do that to him. The agony he felt at the thought of Tammy, his Tammy, with anyone, much less this runt, was enough to call the beast to the surface. His eyes shifted to cat. He couldn"t hear anything through the pounding roar of blood in his head, was dangerously close to killing.
The single reason he didn"t do so was that his leopard suddenly started scrambling to find Tammy. He threw aside the other man and strode into the house, preparing himself for what he would find. If she was in bed-Something tore inside him.
He wouldn"t hurt her. He could never hurt her.
But that boy was going to die a slow, cruel death.
He shoved open the bedroom door...and found the bed made, with no signs of recent occupation.
"I slept on the couch," a raspy voice said from the doorway.