The happiest man in Bramble County was Eliphalet Loop when he finally grasped the truth. The prisoner turned out to be his wife"s first husband--he grasped that fact some little time before he realized that _he_ wasn"t even her second husband, owing to certain fundamental principles in law--and a fugitive from justice. The man was an escaped convict, the leader of a gang of counterfeiters, and he was serving a term in one of the federal prisons when he succeeded in his break for liberty. For many months the United States Secret Service operatives had been combing the country for him, hot and cold on his trail, but always, until now, finding themselves baffled by the crafty rogue, who, according to the records, was one of the most dangerous, desperate criminals alive. Finally they got track of his wife, who had lived for a time in Hoboken, but it was only within the week that they succeeded in locating her as the wife of Eliphalet Loop. The remainder of the story is too simple to bother about.
"Of course, Mr. Loop," said one of the secret-service men, "you can prosecute this woman for bigamy."
Mr. Loop shook his head. "Not much! I won"t take no chance. She might prove that she wasn"t ever married to _this_ feller, an" then where would I be? No, sirree! You take her along an" lock her up. She"s a dangerous character. An" say, don"t make any mistake an" fergit to take her mother an" sister, too."
The next evening Mr. Crow sat on the porch in front of Lamson"s store.
His fellow-townsmen were paying up more promptly than he had expected.
Practically three-fourths of the reward was in his coat pockets--all silver, but as heavy as lead.
"Yes, sir," he was saying in a rather far-reaching voice, for the outer rim of the crowd was some distance away, "as I said before several times, I figgered he would do just what he did. I figgered that I"d have to outfigger him. He is one of the slickest individuals I have ever had anything to do with--an" one of the most desperit. I--er--where was I at, Alf?... Oh, yes, I recollect. He was a powerful feller. Fer a second or two I thought maybe he"d get the best of me, being so much younger an" havin" a revolver besides. But I hung on like grim death, an"
finally--Thanks, Jim; I wasn"t expectin" you to pay "fore the end of the month. Finally I got my favourite holt on him, an" down he went. All this time I was tryin" to git his revolver away from him. Just as I got it, the secret-service men came dashin" up an"--What say, Deacon? Well, if the rest of the crowd ain"t tired o" hearin" the story, I don"t mind tellin" it all over."
Harry Squires, perched on the railing, a.s.sured him that the crowd wouldn"t mind in the least.
"The real beauty of the story Anderson," he added dryly, "is that it has so much of the spice of life in it."
"What"s that?"
"I mean variety."
NO QUESTIONS ANSWERED
REWARD!!!
$25.00 For the Apprehension or Capture of Person or Persons Who Successfully Stole the Fashionable Bulldog Belonging to Mrs. M.
Fryback on or About Friday of Last Week!
N. B.--Said dog occasionally answers to the name of Marmaduke, but mostly to Mike.
An Additional Reward of Three Dollars Cash will be paid for the return of said dog, with or without said Criminals. No Questions asked.
A. CROW, Marshal of Tinkletown.
The foregoing poster, fresh from the press of the _Banner_ printing office, made itself conspicuous at no less than a dozen points in the village of Tinkletown on a bl.u.s.tery February morning. Early visitors to the post office in Lamson"s store were the first to discover it, tacked neatly on the bulletin board. Others saw it in front of the Town Hall, while others, who rarely took the trouble to look at a telephone pole before leaning against it, found themselves gazing with interest at the notice that covered the customary admonition:
"Post No Bills."
Of course every one in Tinkletown knew, and had known for the matter of a week or more, that Mort Fryback"s bulldog was "lost, strayed or stolen," but this was the first glaring intimation that Mort had also lost his mind. In the first place, Mike--as he was familiarly known to every inhabitant--wasn"t worth more than a dollar and a half when he was in his prime, and that, according to recollection, must have been at least twelve or fifteen years prior to his unexplained disappearance. In the second place, it was pretty generally understood that Mike--recently Marmaduke--had surrept.i.tiously taken a dose of prussic acid in a shed back of Kepsal"s blacksmith shop and was now enjoying a state of perfect rejuvenation in the happy hunting ground.
Mr. Alf Reesling, the town drunkard, after having scanned four of the notices on his way to the post office, informed a group of citizens in front of Brubaker"s drugstore that Anderson Crow would do almost anything to get his name into print. Alf and the town marshal had had one of their periodical "fallings out," and, for the moment at least, the former was inclined to bitterness.
"To begin with," explained Alf, "there ain"t a dog in this town that"s worth stealin", to say nothin" of three dollars. You can"t tell me that Mort Fryback would give three dollars to get that dog back, not even if he was alive--which he ain"t, if you c"n believe Bill Kepsal. No, sir; it"s just because Anderson wants to see his name in print, that"s what it is. I bet if you was to ask Mort if he has agreed to pay--how much is it all told?--twenty-eight dollars--if he has agreed to pay all that money for _nothin"_, he"d order you out of his store."
"Mrs. Fryback told my wife a couple of weeks ago that Marmaduke was a prize bull, and she wouldn"t take a hundred dollars for him," said Newt Spratt. "Seems that she had somebody look up his pedigree, and he turns out to be a stepson or something like that of a dog that won first prize at a bench show--whatever that is--in New York City."
"Ever since that actress woman was here last fall,--that friend of Harry Squires, I mean,--every derned dog in town has turned out to be related some way or other to a thoroughbred animal in some other city," said Alf. "Why, even that mangy shepherd dog of Deacon Rank"s--accordin" to Mrs. Rank--is a direct descendant of two of the finest Boston terriers that ever came out of Boston. She told me so herself, but, of course, I couldn"t ask how he happened to look so much like a shepherd dog and so little like his parents, "cause there"s no use makin" poor Mrs. Rank any more miserable than she already is--she certainly don"t get any fun out of life, livin" with the deacon from one year"s end to the other.
Yes, sir; just because that actress woman paraded around here for a month or so last fall with a French poodle, is no reason, far as I can see, why all the women in town should begin puttin" leashes on their dogs and washin" "em and trimmin" "em and tying red ribbons around their necks--yes, and around some of their tails, too. I"ll never forget that stub-tail dog of Angie Nixon"s going around with a blue bow stickin"
straight up behind him, and lookin" as though he"d lost something and got dizzy looking for it. And Mort"s dog, Mike--poor old Mike,--why, he got so he"d go down to Hawkins" undertakin" shop every time he could get a minute off and bark till Lem would let him in, and then he"d lay down in a corner and go to sleep, and Lem always swore the poor dog was as mad as a hornet when he woke up and found he was still alive."
"What puzzles me is why Mort Fryback"s offerin" this reward, and all that, if he knows the dog is dead. It costs money to have bills like this printed at the _Banner_ office." So spoke Elmer Pratt, the photographer. "Wasn"t he present at the obsequies?"
"No, he wasn"t," said Alf. "He claims now that he don"t know anything about it, and, besides, Bill Kepsal says he"ll beat the head off of anybody that says Mike pa.s.sed away on his premises--including Mort. So naturally Mort denies it. He told me yesterday he would deny it even if he had both of his legs; but what chance, says he, has a one-legged man got with big Bill Kepsal?"
"Here comes Anderson now," said Mr. Spratt, his gaze fixed on an approaching figure.
It was zero weather in northern New York State, and the ancient Marshal of Tinkletown was garbed accordingly. The expansive collar of his bra.s.s-b.u.t.toned ulster was turned up, completely obscuring the ear-flaps and part of the c.o.o.nskin cap he was wearing. An enormous pair of arctics covered his feet; his grey and red mittens were of the homemade variety; a m.u.f.fler of the same material enveloped his gaunt neck, knotted loosely under his chin in such a way as to leave his whiskers free not only to the wind but to the vicissitudes of conversation as well. The emblem of authority, a bright silver star, gleamed on the breast of his ulster.
He stopped when he reached the group huddled in front of the drugstore, and glared accusingly at Alf Reesling.
"I thought I told you to keep off the streets," he said ominously.
"Didn"t I tell you yesterday I"d run you in if I caught you drunk in the streets again?"
"Yes, you did," replied Alf, in a justifiably bellicose manner; "but I still stick to what I said to you at first when you said that to me."
"What was that?"
"I said you couldn"t ketch me even if I was dead drunk and unconscious in the gutter, that"s what I said."
"For two cents, I"d show you," said Anderson.
"Well, go ahead. Just add two cents to what you claim I already owe you, and go ahead with your runnin" me in. But before you do it, lemme warn you I"ll sue you for false arrest, and then where"ll you be? I got five witnesses right here that"ll swear I ain"t drunk now and haven"t been in twenty-three years."
"That shows just how drunk you are," said Anderson triumphantly. "Far as I can see, there are only four men here."
"Don"t you call yourself a man?"
"What say?"
"I mean I got five witnesses includin" you, that"s what I mean. I"m gettin" sick of you all the time tellin" me I been drinkin" again, when you know I ain"t touched a drop since 1896. Why, dog-gone you, Andy Crow, if it wasn"t for me an" the way you keep on talkin" about juggin"
me, you wouldn"t have any excuse at all fer bein" town marshal. You--"
"That"ll do now," interrupted Anderson severely. "You have said them very words to me a thousand times, Alf Reesling, and--Who"s that coming out of the post office?"
The group gradually turned to look up the street. Tinkletown is a slow place. Its inhabitants do everything with a deliberation that suggests the profoundest ennui. For example, a gentleman of Tinkletown rarely raised his hat on meeting a lady. He invariably started to do so, but as the ladies of the place were in the habit of moving with more celerity than the gentlemen, he failed on most occasions to complete the undertaking. What"s the sense of takin" your hat off to a woman, he would argue, if she"s already got past you? So far as anybody knew, there wasn"t a woman in town with an eye in the back of her head.
"Looks like a stranger," said Newt Spratt.
"It certainly does," agreed Anderson. "Yes, I"m right," he added an instant later.
The object of interest was crossing the street in the direction of the Grand View Hotel. The group watched him with mild interest. In front of the two-story frame building that seemed to stagger, or at least to shrink, under the weight of its own importance, the stranger--a man--paused to glance at one of the placards heralding the misfortune and at the same time the far from parsimonious regard of the lady who had been despoiled of a fashionable bulldog. Having perused the singularly comprehensive notice, he deliberately tore it down, folded it with some care, and stuck it into his overcoat pocket. Then he entered the Grand View Hotel.
"Well, I"ll be ding-blasted!" exclaimed Marshal Crow.