"You need to run, or hit the heavy bag. You need to get this out, not keep it in."
"One workout isn"t going to fix this!" I yelled it at him.
"No, but it will help. The anger has to go somewhere. I"d rather it not go into a fight with us, and until you get it worked out somehow we can"t put you in a room with new wereanimals." His face was so gentle as he moved toward me. He moved cautiously, the way you do with jumpers on ledges and wild animals when you don"t have a gun. Was I that horrible? Had I taught him to be that afraid of me? The answer, obviously, was yes.
My eyes burned and my throat was tight, but I didn"t want to cry again. I"d already cried and it had helped, but not enough. I"d cried for Haven, for Noel, for what I had to do. For almost losing the man who was walking toward me so carefully. I was nodding over and over.
Nathaniel took my hand and started leading me toward the door. "I"ll take her to work out. You guys choose which of the tigers you like best, but I think Micah should choose."
"Why, because he"s your lover, or because he"s your Nimir-Raj?" Asher asked.
"No, because Jean-Claude seems to be attracted to difficult people-powerful, but with heavy issues. We don"t have time, or energy, to add another heavy-issue person to our group. I"d just pick the most dominant; it"s what I"m mostly attracted to. Damian just wants another girl so badly. He"s weirded out by how many guys Anita already has in her bed, so he"d pick the only girl. Asher said it earlier, that he"d like another man who isn"t so heteros.e.xual, but a man who likes mostly men won"t move Anita. Nicky will be with us guarding, and his biggest thing is pleasing Anita anyway, so his opinion is her opinion. Even if Richard were in human form he and Anita don"t seem to like the same people, or don"t want to admit that they do. So he won"t want anyone. Anita"s last two choices have both been sociopaths or close to it." He squeezed my hand as he said it, but I couldn"t argue with him, so I didn"t try. "Micah is the only one of us who seems to pick well, and with less agenda. He"s never brought anyone into our pard who was crazy or bad, or difficult. He makes sure that every new member works with us. That"s what we need. Someone who works with us, not against us. So you guys meet with the new weretigers; Anita doesn"t need to be there, and neither do I. I give my vote and Anita"s vote to Micah, if she agrees."
He looked at me, and I nodded. "I trust Micah."
Nicky said, "I"ll go with them, but Nathaniel"s right. My vote, if I get one, goes to Micah. He doesn"t let his issues get in his way like the rest of us do."
"Jason gave his vote to me," Jean-Claude said, "because he cares about nothing today as much as J.J. and her new attraction with the swanmane."
I"d forgotten about Jason and his sweetie in all this. I said, "Are they all right?"
"J. J. and Bianca are besotted with each other from the ardeur ardeur last night. I believe it will pa.s.s in time, but for now Jason is not entirely welcome in his own bed." last night. I believe it will pa.s.s in time, but for now Jason is not entirely welcome in his own bed."
"If it had been any of the swanmanes besides Bianca," Nathaniel said, "they"d have shared with Jason just fine, but Bianca was treated badly by the old swan king. It"s left her afraid to have s.e.x with a man."
I sighed and moved in against his body, so he held me. "I didn"t mean to f.u.c.k up Jason"s chance at happiness."
Nathaniel hugged me and said, "You didn"t do anything wrong."
"You helped keep us alive," Asher said, "you and Jean-Claude and all your magic. The blame goes to the Mother of All Darkness and Morte d"Amour, and to no one else."
I pressed my face against the sweet warmth of Nathaniel"s neck and said, "I"ll try to believe that." I pulled away and started for the door, his hand still in mine. "Get me out of here."
Micah called after me, "I love you. I love you both."
Nathaniel flashed him that brilliant smile and said, "I love you, too." I said the words, but I didn"t feel them. The anger was fading and the only thing left behind was numbness. I wanted to be in exercise clothes and sweating before the numbness changed to something more painful.
We went out the door with Nicky behind us. Fredo and Bram were on the door. "How"s Claudia?"
"We felt your energy, Anita. You healed her, all of them."
"We"re going to work out," Nathaniel said.
"You want to work on your knife fighting again, Anita?" he said.
"Sure," I said.
"After she"s run and hit the heavy bag," Nathaniel said.
"After all that, she"ll be too tired to fight well."
"Yeah," I said.
Nathaniel looked at me. "And if you fight before the run and the bag work, what will happen to the practice fight?"
I looked away, frowned, and then met that lavender gaze. It was very direct. "I"ll turn it into a real fight."
Nathaniel nodded. "Sweat first, fight later, then."
"Yes, sir," I said.
"Just yes, sir," said Fredo, "no arguing?"
"Not today," I said.
"Okay, now I"m glad we didn"t fight first."
I looked at him. "Why?"
"Because if you don"t want to argue, the anger will have to go somewhere, and I"d really prefer it not be carved into my skin."
"You think I"ve gotten good enough to win a knife fight with you?" I asked.
"No, but I won"t want to hurt you, and if you don"t have the same restraint with me, you are good enough to cut me."
"Do I say thanks for the compliment, or get p.i.s.sed that you think I"d lose it enough to cut you for real?"
"Take the compliment," Nicky said. "I"ve never heard Fredo admit that anyone else could hurt him with a blade."
I took the compliment. "Thanks, Fredo."
"No problem. You"ve got a real talent for blade work, Anita."
"I like edged weapons."
"Most people are afraid of them."
"I"m not most people," I said.
"And that is the f.u.c.king truth," Nicky said. Normally, I"d have gotten mad about that last comment, but today I just let it stand. If it was true, why should it make me mad?
CHAPTER 36
ONE OF THE larger caverns had been turned into a gym, complete with an indoor track and weights and other toys in the middle. There was even a locker area. I had a pair of black jogging shorts, black sports bra, and running socks and shoes. Nicky came out of his locker area in shorts and a T-shirt that looked like it was straining to hold all his muscles into one tight packet. Fredo had changed to black workout pants and T-shirt, but he wasn"t going to jog. He was going for weights and then he"d see who he could get to fight with him. We"d all locked our weapons in the lockers. The idea was that here we were all safe enough that we didn"t need to be armed, and honestly if anyone tried to take me here with all the guards, my money was on us, armed or unarmed.
Nathaniel, Nicky, and I were stretching out when I heard the crowd coming down the hallway. There was that sound of boisterous male energy. The guards spilled out of the hallway around us, laughing, and full of that energy that big, athletic men have. Some women mistake it for aggression, but it"s not. It"s a sort of awareness of their bodies, an eagerness to use them, almost an animal antic.i.p.ation of it. Their being wereanimals just upped the ante for it.
Ares was in front with Lisandro and Graham. I went back to stretching, touching my forehead to my knee on the floor. This was my first time seeing Lisandro since we"d broken his prohibition on s.e.x. I wasn"t sure what to say to him, so I would ignore it if he"d let me.
"Hey, Anita." I rose from the stretch to find Gregory and Stephen settling down by us. They had both put their long blond curls in ponytails. Their eyes were cornflower blue and their faces beautiful; they were girl-delicate, and I"d seen enough pictures to know that they looked like their mother. She"d died when they were little, like mine. They were my height, give an inch here and there. When we were here we ran together.
"Hey, I didn"t think you were staying with us, Gregory," I said.
"I heard I missed an orgy." He made a pouty face at me.
"Don"t start," I said.
He opened his mouth to say something, but Nathaniel said, "No, really, not today."
Gregory looked at him and something pa.s.sed between them, because Gregory just gave in, which wasn"t his usual. "Fine, I"ll leave it alone."
"Thanks," Nathaniel said.
Normally I"d have wanted to know what Nathaniel did to get the other man to behave, but today I didn"t care. I was just glad he"d let it go.
They joined us in the stretching. I saw Clay and Bram, near the back. Socrates, who was a werehyena and an ex-cop with skin the color of coffee with a touch of cream, was there as well; his hair looked almost long compared to Ares" and Bram"s military buzz. Most of the rest were wererats, then werehyenas. Clay and Graham were the only werewolf guards there. Stephen was a werewolf, but he wasn"t a guard. Bram, Gregory, and Nathaniel were the only wereleopards. Again, only one was a guard. Did we depend too much on the rats and the hyenas? Yes. Should we change it? Probably. I pushed the thought away. I was here to work out, that was all. It was all about moving the body. I"d found that exercise helped with the anger, and even helped tire the energy that made it harder to control the beasts.
I knew everyone by name, all the rats. Emmanuel was one of the few blue-gray-eyed Hispanics I"d ever met. His skin was almost a gold color, so that he had the same kind of exotic vibe going that Vivian, Stephen"s fiancee, had. The fact that Stephen was still here and hadn"t gone home wasn"t a good sign for them. I let that go, too. I couldn"t even fix my own love life-what the h.e.l.l could I do for anyone else?
Dino was as dark as Emmanuel was light, but where the other man was five-eight and just nicely muscular, Dino was big. Not just six feet, but almost as wide as he was tall. He ran like a lumbering elephant, but I"d seen him fight and one of my goals was never, ever to have Dino hit me in the face for real. He was one of the few fighters we had who had exploded one of the new heavy bags designed to stand up to preternatural strength.
G.o.d"s full name was G.o.dofredo. He was actually Fredo"s nephew, which made me speculate that Fredo might be short for the same name, but when asked Fredo had given a flat look that made everyone drop the subject. Fredo was slender, not that tall, and honed down to lanky muscle like the slender blades he favored. G.o.d was inches taller, broader, and packed on muscle so that the nickname didn"t seem funny when you saw him step into the practice ring.
"Hey, old man, aren"t you going to run with us?" G.o.d called.
Fredo paused in his weight lifting with a barbell packed with the body weight of most of the smaller men here. He didn"t put it back on the rack; he held it partway lifted and answered in a voice without any hint of strain. "When you can beat me in the practice ring, then you can call me old; until then, shut the f.u.c.k up." He started doing reps with the bar.
G.o.d chuckled, and the sound matched the big chest. They liked each other, but it was guy liking, so there was a lot of cussing and good-natured jibes exchanged. Until I"d hung out with enough men I"d never realized that f.u.c.k you f.u.c.k you could be an endearment of the highest order. could be an endearment of the highest order.
I was stretched out. I stood up and everyone around me got up with me. Part of me wondered if they did it consciously or if there was some metaphysical reason for it. I let the thought go. I was here to run.
The guards who had come a little behind us didn"t stretch out as much as I did, but then they were less likely to pull a muscle, so we were all ready to run at the same time.
Ares said, "You"re running with us?" He made it sound doubtful.
"I"m using the track at the same time," I said. I looked up all that height to meet his pale eyes in their desert tan.
He had that guy smile, the one I"d gotten most of my life because I was small and usually the only girl. "You can"t keep up with us, Anita."
"If I were human, no," I said.
"It"s not that." He came to stand next to me. He pointed at where my hip hit his thigh. "Most of us have a much longer stride. We"re just going to be faster on the track."
"I"m not trying to race, Ares, just sweat some s.h.i.t out."
He shrugged. "Just saying."
I felt the anger like a warm wave flowing over my skin. It hit that place where the beasts lived, and I had to take deep, even breaths to still it all.
"I didn"t mean anything by it," he said. His voice sounded odd.
I looked up and found that the hairs on his arm were standing up. His face wasn"t teasing now. "Its okay, Ares, but just so you know, my control and my mood, not so good today."
He stepped back, nodding. "Sorry, ma"am."
I didn"t argue about the ma"am ma"am part. I just turned and stepped out on the track. I started at a slow jog. Stephen, Gregory, and Nathaniel fell into pace with me. Nicky started with us, but his natural stride wouldn"t keep him with us. The thud of feet sounded behind us, and the crowd of guards spilled around us. I picked up my pace just a touch so we"d all have a good warm-up lap, but I had no illusions about what the pace would be. part. I just turned and stepped out on the track. I started at a slow jog. Stephen, Gregory, and Nathaniel fell into pace with me. Nicky started with us, but his natural stride wouldn"t keep him with us. The thud of feet sounded behind us, and the crowd of guards spilled around us. I picked up my pace just a touch so we"d all have a good warm-up lap, but I had no illusions about what the pace would be.
We began to split up into two groups. Those six feet and more were ahead in a long-legged pack. The rest of us stayed a little behind them at a pace that worked for us. The tallest person who stayed with us was Dino. Like I said, he ran like a lumbering elephant and would eventually fall behind all of us, but under that layer of hard-looking fat was nothing but muscle. He was built like an old-time linebacker.
I wasn"t fast, but I was relentless and I had stamina. When I"d been merely human I"d done a six-minute mile. Now I was faster, but then so was everyone on the track.
I didn"t speed up. I didn"t try to stay ahead of anyone. When Ares and some others lapped us in a full-out race I just kept running. Nathaniel, Stephen, Gregory, and Dino stayed with me. Somewhere on the fourth mile Dino faded a little so he was behind us, but not much behind us. Running with us as opposed to the other guards had helped him increase his stamina; at least with us he didn"t get as discouraged, and we didn"t give him a hard time about not being the fastest man on the track.
I concentrated on putting one foot ahead of the other. I concentrated on placement of my body in s.p.a.ce on the track. I let the world narrow down to my body working on the track, arms going back and forth, legs moving, all of it just moving. I was aware of Nathaniel on one side and Stephen on the other. I knew Gregory was on the other side of him. I could hear Dino"s breathing behind us, but it was all peripheral. I ran, and let everything else go away.
I ran until my hair streamed out behind me, no need to tie it because it wasn"t touching my back. I ran until I had no air for talking, or anything else. I ran until sweat trickled down my spine and I heard Nathaniel"s longer legs stretch out to stay at my side. Everyone else was bunched near me.
I found enough air to say, "Nathaniel, do it."
He didn"t argue, he just stretched out and ran. He was five-seven, and at least half of that was leg. I had a moment of seeing his braid bouncing ahead of me, and then I kicked it up. I pulled beside him, stretching to stay there. Stephen and Gregory pounded up beside me, and the four of us ran. Dino wouldn"t try to keep up now.
We raced around the track and found the taller men on the edge of it regaining their breath. We ran past them and it was all about running. It was all about staying with Nathaniel, keeping that pace. We pa.s.sed the other men where they rested a second time.
I managed to say, "Kick it!"
Nathaniel kicked it, and we ran. We ran so fast that the gym blurred around me. We ran faster than I"d ever tried to before. We ran and I didn"t question that I could do it. That I could keep up, that I could push us all. When we pa.s.sed the men a third time, I gasped, "Slow it."
He did, and we did a cool-down lap so that we ended with the other men who were still sitting, standing, and watching us. "Not bad," Ares said.
"Not bad?" G.o.d said. "f.u.c.k you, Ares."
I was still gasping a little as I said, "It"s okay, G.o.d. Ares is just mad that he"s fast out of the gate but doesn"t have the stamina to keep up."
The men made appreciative noises at the comment. I watched Ares think about getting upset about it, and then he laughed. "I guess I deserved that."
"d.a.m.n straight," Emmanuel said.
Gregory, panting beside me, said, "I"ve never seen you run like that, Anita."
I bent back, stretching out the st.i.tch in my side. "Me, either."