"In that real serial-killer sort of way," I added.
Asher turned his head to look at me. "I heard you killed them both while they were trying to make a rape-and-snuff film starring you and Gabriel. I thought the story had grown in the telling."
I shook my head. "I don"t know if the details have grown, but the basics are true." I shivered. Gabriel and Raina had been the couple from h.e.l.l, and it had been part luck that helped me kill them and save the others. I had some scars from Gabriel that I"d have for the rest of my life.
Asher reached out and took my hand in his. "I am glad you killed them."
"We all are," Richard said.
"They are not a loss," Jean-Claude said.
"Like I said, when I met Anita I"d just gotten away from them. They"d tried to make me into a more dominant version of Nathaniel, just another pet."
"They never understood that you would never be that," Jean-Claude said.
Richard nodded and said, "I fought high enough in the pack structure to have more choices, and I beat the s.h.i.t out of Gabriel one night. But that didn"t stop Raina from trying to hurt me in other ways. She made our Ulfric, Marcus, give me to Jean-Claude. I had fought my way into dominance enough to stay out of the beds of people I didn"t want to sleep with, and then they give me to a vampire whose power is all about s.e.x. Raina told me that you"d seduce me eventually and she"d get to watch us together."
"I was Master of the City by then, Richard; I would not have let her do that to me, or to you."
Richard sat up, drawing his knees in, his strong, summer-tanned arms hugging them to his chest, making the muscles in his arms work. "I know that now, but she"d been my Lupa for six years. I believed her. So I looked at Jean-Claude as just one more person who was trying to corrupt me. I realize that he was just as trapped as I was, but I couldn"t see that then." His eyes looked haunted.
I sat up, still holding Asher"s hand, and reached across him to touch Richard"s arm. That made him smile, but he turned those serious, haunted eyes to Jean-Claude. "You were the only one left of the three of them. Almost every time I looked at you I thought of them. Then I blamed you for stealing Anita away from me. I know now that I drove her to you. I made her watch me eat Marcus." He sat up a little straighter as if he"d realized he was hunching. He held my hand against his arm and looked at me. "I did everything I could to make sure the first time you saw me shift to animal form that it was frightening and terrible. I am sorry about that."
"You hate being a werewolf. You wanted me to hate it, too."
He nodded. "I did, I just didn"t realize that"s what I was doing at the time."
"Your doctor must be very open-minded," Jean-Claude said.
Richard looked at him. "My therapist, yes, she is open-minded. We didn"t really make a lot of progress until Anita was able to take back her anger this past summer."
One of the things about being a triumvirate of power is that you share parts of yourself and not just power. I"d gotten the ardeur ardeur and a craving for blood from Jean-Claude. From Richard I"d gotten his beast and a taste for flesh. Jean-Claude had gotten a certain ruthlessness from me; I wasn"t sure what he"d gotten from Richard, or what Richard had gotten from him, but what Richard got from me was my rage. and a craving for blood from Jean-Claude. From Richard I"d gotten his beast and a taste for flesh. Jean-Claude had gotten a certain ruthlessness from me; I wasn"t sure what he"d gotten from Richard, or what Richard had gotten from him, but what Richard got from me was my rage.
I"d gained the ability to feed on anger, the way Jean-Claude could feed on l.u.s.t. I could feed on s.e.x, but found it harder to feed on the "emotion" of l.u.s.t. Anger, though, I understood that. That had been my emotion of choice for years. Last summer I figured out how to call my rage back home from Richard. It was the one thing we"d shared with each other that one of us knew how to feed on. The other hungers were literally hungers for flesh, blood, and s.e.x. You can feed a hunger, but you can"t feed on on a hunger. a hunger.
I took my hand back and Richard let me. I settled back on my side of Asher. The vampire continued to hold my hand while we watched Richard.
"I hadn"t understood how much the rage kept me from forgiving anyone, or working my issues, until Anita fed off it and took it back. The anger was almost like another beast inside me, but full moon didn"t bring any relief. It"s a horrible way to live, Anita."
I shrugged. "You get used to it."
He shook his head, sending his hair sliding across his shoulders. "I didn"t. It was killing me. I had my own problems with self-loathing, but the anger made it all worse."
"I"m sorry about that," I said. I almost didn"t want to say anything else, but I knew now that every time we left things unsaid between us, it came back and bit us down the road. "The anger is gone, Richard, I get that," I said, "but the self-loathing was all you. You hated being a werewolf. You broke up with me because I was more at home with the monsters than you were."
"My turn to apologize again," Richard said. His arms loosened and he sat back against the pillows. "I can"t stop being a werewolf. It"s like trying to stop being human. It is what I am. I could give up being Ulfric, but I"d still have to belong to the pack, and being king is better than being a follower. I learned that the hard way. I am Jean-Claude"s animal to call, and the third leg of the triumvirate of power that allows him to run the city and have enough power to keep everyone safe." He looked at Jean-Claude now. "You are a good Master of the City, Jean-Claude. I didn"t realize that the Master of the City is like the boss of a business. If the boss is a crazy b.i.t.c.h, then she hires more crazy people, and she keeps everybody else crazy. Nikolaos was that kind of Master of the City. Anita killed her to save all of us, but it was you that took control of the city and made everything work better than it had ever worked. You had managed all the vampire businesses in town for years. You"d been the financial leader all along."
"Thank you, mon ami mon ami."
"No, all of the wereanimal leaders think things are a thousand times better with you in charge."
Jean-Claude bowed just from the neck. "I have done my best."
"You have, you really have, and so has Anita. The only one that hasn"t helped secure our base of power is me. I"ve spent the last few years alternating tightening my grip on the wolves like a tyrant, and letting go of so much control I was practically forcing some of my dominant wolves to challenge me for leadership. I"ve apologized to Sylvie for that. She"s my second-in-command, and she"s earned it putting up with me."
I hadn"t seen him in nearly four months, and now he was sitting there saying things I"d given up on hearing. It was all too good to be true. I must have tensed, because Asher began to stroke the back of my hand with his other hand as he held me.
"I have longed for you to understand some of this, Richard," Jean-Claude said, "but I admit I had given up."
"Some of the other wereanimal leaders had an intervention, I guess you could call it. They told me that I was endangering them all. That by crippling the best Master of the City they"d ever had, I was hurting everyone. I reminded Rafael that his biggest taboo for all his wererats had been that they didn"t feed Nikolaos, so how could he let his rats be food for you."
Richard looked down, not meeting anyone"s eyes. "Rafael said, "Nikolaos demanded I give her my people. Jean-Claude never asked, I offered, because every animal group that gets close to Jean-Claude and Anita gains in power. They do not steal power away; they help everyone grow more powerful." I thought about what he said, and it was true. You both help everyone around you be better. I tried to think if I"d helped anyone be better, or stronger, in the last few years, and you know what?"
He hesitated, so I said, "What?"
He gave me a quick smile. "I helped the kids I taught, but other than my job I hadn"t helped anyone, not even me."
"This is wonderful, mon ami mon ami," Jean-Claude said, "but I have to ask. Why are you here tonight? Why have you come?"
"Rafael told me he"d offer up his own body and blood in my place if he could help make St. Louis a safer place for his people. I know that the swan king, Donovan Reece, is already feeding Anita on a regular basis, and his swans are now doing blood donations to the vampires. Micah and his leopards are with Anita, and through her, with you. Everyone is trying to build us into a unit with you as its head, except me."
"Grand talk, Ulfric," Asher said, "but talk is very cheap, so I"ve found."
Richard looked at the vampire. "I"m working my issues, Asher; you need to do the same."
"What does that mean?" he asked.
"It means you"re p.i.s.sed. You want Jean-Claude to love only you, and he doesn"t. I wanted Anita to love only me and for us both to stop being part of the monsters. Neither of us is getting what we wanted. We need to make the best of what we have."
"Mon Dieu, you sound too good to be true, Ulfric, and too boring."
I drew my hand out of Asher"s. He looked at me then. "You wanted Richard for you to touch, but it"s like you"re angry that you can"t be here alone with Jean-Claude, or Jean-Claude and me. You"re so angry and so conflicted that you"re going to pick at us all until something breaks. You do that when you"re angry; you always did."
He sat up. "So, because I have not spent the last four months in therapy I am to be cast out of the bed. Well, while you were doing therapy I was here doing my part as his temoin temoin, his second-in-command."
"I know that, Asher, and I"m sorry that I wasn"t here to help," Richard said.
Asher started to push himself out from between us and move for the side of the bed. Richard grabbed his arm. "Let go of me, wolf," Asher hissed.
"I thought you wanted me to touch you."
That stopped the vampire and made him turn to look at the other man. He made sure his hair hid the one side of his face as they looked at each other. "I do."
"Then where are you going?"
Asher looked at Richard"s hand where it still held his arm. He relaxed slightly, but said, "Did your therapist put you on drugs? Is that why this new calm?"
Richard smiled. "No, nothing much works for werewolves. Our body processes them too fast."
"Then you cannot mean this, and if you run away from Anita, who you love, and Jean-Claude, who you feel truly drawn to, you will not be able to tolerate my touch."
"There are limits to what you can do to me, and with me, that"s true, but I share some of Jean-Claude"s emotions and memories. I remember loving you, Asher, and I still have a body that could do it."
I stared at Richard, and then at the look on Asher"s face. I"d never seen the vampire so surprised. He laughed, a wild, abrupt sound. "Are you offering what Jean-Claude has denied me?"
Richard smiled. "I think that would be pushing my newfound resolutions, but I am offering to try. You are powerful enough to have your own territory now with Narcissus; by staying here you make Jean-Claude stronger, which makes us all safer."
"And what are you willing to do to make me stay, Richard?" There was derision in his voice again.
Richard pulled him backward with that one hand on his arm. Asher let himself be pulled. Richard settled back against the pillows and drew the other man"s back in against his chest. He had his legs to one side so Asher was against only his chest, but it was more touch than I"d ever seen him do with any other man but Jean-Claude. Richard wrapped those strong arms around the vampire and held him. "I"m a shapeshifter; we like to sleep in big puppy piles."
Asher stroked his fingers down Richard"s bare arms. Richard settled back deeper against the pillows, cuddling the other man closer to him. Asher bent his head and laid a kiss against that tanned, muscular arm.
"No biting, not yet, remember," Richard said, but he raised the arm that Asher wasn"t kissing and stroked his hand through the other man"s hair.
I looked at Jean-Claude and he looked at me. I held my arm out toward him. "Pinch me, because this has to be a dream."
Jean-Claude nodded. "You have read my mind, ma pet.i.te ma pet.i.te."
Asher rubbed his cheek against Richard"s arm like a cat scent-marking. "Come into the pool, Jean-Claude, it is warm and smells so good."
"Don"t just look at us-come cuddle," Richard said.
"Sorry, Richard, I just don"t quite trust the change," I said.
"You mean you don"t trust me," he said.
Asher was petting his arm with his hands and small kisses. "Don"t the Americans have a saying, "Do not look a gift horse in the mouth"?"
"Yeah," I said.
"Then what are you waiting for, Anita, unless you do not want either of us?" He looked at me over Richard"s arm, giving me the weight of those beautiful eyes. Did I want both of them? Yes, yes I did.
I looked back at Jean-Claude, who was still standing beside the bed watching them. I held a hand out to Jean-Claude. "If you trust it, so will I."
"Trust," Jean-Claude whispered.
"When I realized how stupid I"d been toward both of you I thought about sending flowers, but didn"t think there were enough roses in the world to make up for what I"d almost done to all of us." He rose up, and Asher made a small protesting noise as he took his arm back. Richard took hold of his T-shirt and pulled it over his head in one smooth movement. "I thought you"d like this better than flowers."
Asher hesitated, looking back at him. Richard drew him in against his chest, as he had before. Asher turned and laid a tentative hand on his bare side. Richard held his hands out, one to me and one toward Jean-Claude.
"I can always call a florist if you"d prefer that." His words were joking, but his face was so serious. "But I was hoping that this would say, I screwed up and I"m sorry I screwed up and I"m sorry better than anything else." better than anything else."
Jean-Claude said, "If you mean this, then it will."
"If you don"t mean it," I said, "and you bail again on us, then that"s it, Richard. I can"t let you keep cutting us up like this."
Asher laid his head on the other man"s bare stomach, his arm hugging all that bare flesh. "Oh, for the love of G.o.d, stop talking and join us. He won"t get out of his pants for just me."
I laughed, I couldn"t help it. Richard didn"t laugh. He ran his hand through the other man"s hair and grabbed a handful of it, jerking his head back. I had a moment to see Asher"s face. I knew that look, the wide, almost unfocused eyes, the slightly parted lips. I"d seen it on Nathaniel"s face often enough, and caught it on mine in the mirror a time or two. That look said that Asher had gone from dominant to submissive, switched over by the pain, the suddenness, and the strength in Richard"s hand.
Richard used Asher"s hair as a handle to move the other man so they looked at each other. I saw the muscles in his forearm tighten. Asher made a small sound, and though pain caused it, it wasn"t a pain sound. It was a good sound. One I"d heard Jean-Claude drive from Asher more than once, one that Nathaniel and I had gotten from him when we worked as a unit.
"I"m a dominant; I don"t bottom to anyone, so if anyone is losing their pants it"s not me." Richard dragged the man a little upward using that painful, pleasurable grip on his hair. Richard lowered his own face a little toward the vampire and said, "I am not food. I am not prey. I am the Ulfric of the Thronnos Rokke Clan, and the next time you forget that, I will hurt you." He whispered the last almost into the other man"s lips, close enough to kiss. I watched him use all that beauty on Asher as he had, in different ways, with me over the years. Beauty can be a weapon as devastating as any gun.
Richard sat back up and let go of Asher so abruptly he fell into the other man"s lap. Asher lay there pa.s.sive, his face to one side lost in the tangle of his own golden hair. Richard looked at Jean-Claude and me. "I haven"t just been running from being a werewolf or Jean-Claude"s animal to call. If pain and pleasure didn"t move me, Raina could never have seduced me. I blamed her for me being a pervert, but she didn"t invent this part of me, she just unleashed it." He laid his big hand on Asher"s head and stroked his hair. The other man shivered under that small touch. "I don"t want to have s.e.x with Asher, but causing him pain appeals to me. Making him want me, and denying him what he wants, that appeals to me, too." He laid his head back against the back of the bed and closed his eyes; when he opened them they had gone to a dark amber. "It appeals to me a lot."
Just the look in his eyes made me shiver. Jean-Claude touched my arm and I jumped. "Ma pet.i.te, shall we join them?"
I just nodded, because saying Wow Wow out loud just didn"t sound cool enough for what was lying in the bed looking at us with wolf amber eyes. out loud just didn"t sound cool enough for what was lying in the bed looking at us with wolf amber eyes.
CHAPTER 8
AS HER LOST HIS pants and everything else, though there was a moment when he hesitated on his shirt, because the most severe scars were on his chest and stomach on the one side, and his hair wasn"t long enough to be used as a shield as he did for his face. Jean-Claude and I had done our rea.s.suring months ago. It was Richard with his perfect upper body that made Asher embarra.s.sed, shy, some word that I never thought to use for him in any circ.u.mstance.
Jean-Claude and I looked at each other, and we were both wondering how to get the two men to work the issue, when Richard said, "Jean-Claude told you to strip; do it."
Asher scowled at him, holding his unb.u.t.toned shirt closed. "He told me to undress, actually."
Richard opened his mouth to say something harsh, I think, but something made him look at Jean-Claude. More than a look pa.s.sed between them. I think Jean-Claude whispered in his head as he could mine. Whatever was said softened Richard"s face. He turned to Asher. "You didn"t get to see the scars from the silver bullets that nearly killed me last summer." He traced that broad, untouched spill of muscle. "This half was a ma.s.s of scars. I thought it was permanent. It usually is if it scars at all. I didn"t think of myself as vain, but I didn"t like the scars. I didn"t like being less than perfect. When Jean-Claude started using energy to heal his own wounds, I learned how to heal mine. He let me take enough energy from the triumvirate to put me back to this." He spread his hands, framing all that nice smooth skin.
I"d known they used energy from our power as a unit to heal themselves-it was one of the serious perks to having the vampire marks-but I hadn"t realized that if we hadn"t had enough power, there would be three men in the room with serious scars on all that creamy and tanned goodness, respectively.
"I had no triumvirate to turn to," Asher said, holding his shirt tight, voice sullen.
Richard went to him. "I"ve tried nice, but sympathy just makes you angry. I understand that, so let me try something else." He moved in a blur, his hand grabbing a handful of Asher"s hair, the other hand going around the man"s waist, jerking him against Richard. It was sudden, violent, but with that edge of kissing closeness again. Asher"s anger seemed to float away on the strength of Richard"s hands.
Richard stared into those pale blue eyes from inches away and snarled, "I want you naked. I want to see it all. I want you tied up and naked, and if you make me tell you to strip again I"ll rip your clothes off your back." He almost threw Asher away from him and walked away.
Asher staggered, caught the bed to steady himself. When he could stand steady, his shirt went on the floor and the rest of his clothes followed. There was something about Richard wanting to see him nude and tied up that rea.s.sured him, made him feel desired. There was no more hesitating.
We tied Asher on his knees to one side of the bed, centered between the bedposts. He was near enough to the edge of the bed that if we wanted to we could have his legs off the side, but we started with him comfortable, kneeling. The bed was the same bed, but the frame had been changed since last we had Richard with us. The frame was metal and custom built so that there were distinct places for attaching things all over the frame. It had originally been done so that Asher could teach me to top Nathaniel, but that meant that all of us had experienced the bed on both sides. The rule was you never try something on your submissive that you hadn"t tried on your own body first. There had been a few things that Nathaniel wanted that I couldn"t, or wouldn"t, try on myself because the pain level was too high and I didn"t heal like he did, but Asher had taken more than one for the team in that area, until even he had called no mas no mas, and Nathaniel had still not gone to his limit on pain with us. Frankly, Nathaniel"s limits in this area still scared me, even as they intrigued me.
Jean-Claude had gotten out the toy trunk-not toy box, trunk trunk. It was one of those huge old-fashioned steamer trunks big enough to hide a body in. We"d moved it permanently into the bedroom about a month ago rather than having to get a few toys and carry them in; it had been a tacit acknowledgment of what we were doing in the bed and with each other. I had never dreamed that Richard would be on his knees digging around in the toys. I"d known he liked this kind of s.e.x; he was right: Raina hadn"t created the need, she"d just let it out of its box. That he"d gotten comfortable enough with himself to admit it out loud to us was nothing short of miraculous. If miracles were things you thought you"d never see, like the St. Louis Rams winning the Super Bowl, or ice skating in h.e.l.l.
Jean-Claude had simply taken off his shirt, and he was in leather pants and boots, very BDSM. With Asher tied up nude, my little businessy skirt outfit looked so out of place, but Jean-Claude had a fix for that. It was a leather dress, short but with a full skirt, and it belted at the waist; it looked like June Cleaver does bondage. I went into the bathroom to change with a pair of stiletto heels in hand. The shoes I"d worn before, but the dress was new. But the true beauty of the dress didn"t hit me until I put it on and started playing with the heavy zipper that went all the way down the front of it. The upper part of the dress was tight enough through the chest that it held me in place without a bra even when the zipper was nearly halfway down. My b.r.e.a.s.t.s stayed mounded, and no matter how I moved they weren"t going to fall out by accident. No, I"d have to lower the zipper and let them out. Or I could zip the dress all the way up and show no cleavage at all. It was a nice dress. I played with the zipper until my b.r.e.a.s.t.s looked like they were spilling out, or would at any moment, but I knew they were solid in place-well, as solid as real b.r.e.a.s.t.s get. I caught a glimpse of myself in the bathroom mirror as I moved for the door, and it stopped me. I wasn"t into b.r.e.a.s.t.s, but the sight of my own chest in that dress with the wide leather belt making my waist look even tinier in all that leather with the full skirt was eye-catching. Okay, it made even me think, Wow, look at all that creamy goodness Wow, look at all that creamy goodness. It wasn"t something I was used to thinking about my own b.r.e.a.s.t.s.
When I stepped out in the dress, Jean-Claude let me see on his face exactly how much he liked the view. "Mon Dieu, ma pet.i.te." "Mon Dieu, ma pet.i.te." He grabbed Asher"s hair and turned him so he could see me. The angle was painful, but as he had with Richard, Asher didn"t respond like it hurt. Jean-Claude put their faces together and said, "Look at her, Asher. Look at her and know that you don"t get to touch her tonight." He let go of that golden hair and walked toward me, leaving Asher hanging there as if he didn"t matter. I knew it was part of the game, and I trusted Jean-Claude to know what kind of submissive Asher was, but if I was the one tied up, humiliation or taunting would throw me out of bottom and right back in my f.u.c.k-you-and-you-don"t-get-to-f.u.c.k-me att.i.tude. He grabbed Asher"s hair and turned him so he could see me. The angle was painful, but as he had with Richard, Asher didn"t respond like it hurt. Jean-Claude put their faces together and said, "Look at her, Asher. Look at her and know that you don"t get to touch her tonight." He let go of that golden hair and walked toward me, leaving Asher hanging there as if he didn"t matter. I knew it was part of the game, and I trusted Jean-Claude to know what kind of submissive Asher was, but if I was the one tied up, humiliation or taunting would throw me out of bottom and right back in my f.u.c.k-you-and-you-don"t-get-to-f.u.c.k-me att.i.tude.
Jean-Claude came to me and offered his hand. The stilettos were four inches. I looked fabulous in them, but as my s.e.xy meter went up, my graceful meter went down, or that"s how it felt. He"d a.s.sured me if I"d only wear them enough to practice, I"d get better at it. Sure.