"I don"t want to have to ask your permission to have s.e.x with Anita."
Micah laughed then, a sharp, surprised burst of sound. "I can"t believe you said that."
"Well, I don"t," Richard said.
"It"s not my permission you need, Richard," Micah said.
Then Richard seemed to get it, because he looked at me. He actually had the grace to look embarra.s.sed. "I didn"t mean it that way." "How did you mean it?" I asked, and tried to keep the words as neutral as I could.
"I"m trying to get along with the other men in your life. I don"t know how to do that, Anita. I want to ask you to feed on me, but I feel like I have to ask for everyone"s okay, not just yours; am I wrong?"
I felt my face soften. He was trying so hard. I touched his hair. There was an edge of drying goop in it. I guess I was a bigger mess since Travis had been practically on top of me when he shifted. Violent shifting is always messier. "We need to get cleaned up," I said.
He gave me uncertain eyes. "I"ll go with Nathaniel to the showers," Micah said, standing up. He petted Travis"s back. "Come on, up lion, we"ll get you fed."
Micah bent over and gave me a quick kiss and a rea.s.suring smile. He did his best to let me know it was all right with him. One of my favorite things about Micah was that he usually made things better, easier, not worse.
He walked out with the huge, slinking form of the lion on one side and Nathaniel on the other. Nathaniel blew me a kiss from the door, but didn"t try for a la.s.s on the lips. I wasn"t sure why, but I"d have liked the kiss.
Richard touched my arm, gently. It made me look at him. Whatever he saw on my face didn"t make him happy. His eyes showed it. Since I didn"t know what was in my eyes, I couldn"t change it. Whatever he saw on my face was what was there to see.
He gave a smile that left his eyes sad. "Let"s use the bathtub and clean up." He looked down, his hair sliding around his face. He took a breath deep enough that it moved his shoulders up and down. "If that"s all right with you."
I touched his arm. "A nice hot bath would help with the aches. Does it hurt this much to shift completely?"
Richard frowned, thinking, then shook his head. "No, I mean it hurts while you"re doing it sometimes, but with practice, no. You seem to be stuck at the early stages when it hurts the most."
"Great," I said. I heard water running in the bathroom. Remus or Claudia had sent someone in to start the bath. The tub was big; it took a while to fill.
Richard stood up and offered me a hand. He"d moved so that I had his body in profile-the smooth, strong line of his hip to stare at in stead of other things. I appreciated the modesty. Sometimes when he wasn"t modest, I just didn"t think very clearly. Of course, it wasn"t just his manhood that made me go wow. I stared up the line of his body, from feet, to the muscled swell of calf, thigh, the tight curve of his a.s.s, the waist that led up to the swell of that chest, those shoulders. He held one muscled arm down at me, and I followed that arm to the face. That face. It wasn"t just that he was handsome, or that his newly long hair framed it all, but the eyes. Pure brown, deep, rich, and fall of a weight that was just Richard. A weight of personality and strength that once I"d thought would be enough to sustain me. I saw all of it in seconds, so that I was able to not just give him my hand in his, but wrap my other hand around his wrist. A wrist thick enough that I couldn"t hold it between thumb and forefinger. He was just too big. He pulled me gently to my feet.
It hurt to stand, and I swayed, clutching at him. He put his other hand at my back to steady me. "Let me pick you up, Anita, please." He knew I didn"t like to be carried. It made me feel weak, but tonight I hurt, and I knew that it would mean something to him to do it.
I whispered, "Yes."
He smiled, that smile that brightened his whole face. He picked me up in his arms, and I cuddled in against the strength of him. Just holding me in his arms, I could feel the potential in his body, so strong.
I let my head rest in the curve of his shoulder and didn"t fight the fact that I was small in his arms. Once it had bothered me, but some part of me had grown up, or accepted it. Maybe I just didn"t need to be the biggest, baddest a.s.s in the room anymore. Maybe I was finally old enough to let someone else be the one in charge. Maybe.
I draped an arm around his neck and breathed in the scent of him. It loosened something tight and frightened in the center of my being. It felt a little like the rabbit was cuddling with the wolf, but if a lion can lie down with a lamb, why not?
CHAPTER 15
ONE OF THE younger guards was bent over the tub. I couldn"t remember his name in that moment. He looked up and seemed startled, as if he hadn"t expected us. "Remus told me to fill the tub." He sounded a little breathy. I remembered his name then: Cisco. He was eighteen, and I"d declared him too young to guard my body. But it hadn"t been his age alone that had made me suggest he go elsewhere. He"d had problems around the s.e.x and me. Apparently he was getting his second chance to see if he could be cool around the s.e.x.
"We"ll take it from here," Richard said.
"Remus was really clear that I am to follow every order exactly."
I sighed. "Cisco, just go."
He took his hand out of the water, shaking droplets off it. "Okay." His eyes were too wide, his face too bothered by us. He was a wererat; no lycanthrope should have this much problem around nudity. But it wasn"t the nudity, I didn"t think, but the fact that we were going to have s.e.x. That bothered him. I"d declared that I was a twenty-one-or-older zone. Cisco"s face made me think I needed to make that rule stick.
I got a flash of the gun at his hip as he moved past us. Remus said Cisco had one of the best scores on the firing range of any guard. But high scores weren"t the only thing you needed to be a bodyguard.
The bathroom door closed, firmly. Richard stood there, holding me as if it were effortless, as if I weighed nothing and he could have done it all night. Sometimes it bugged me to know how much stronger the men were than I was, but not this morning. This morning it seemed comforting.
"Can I say something without you getting mad?" Richard asked.
I tensed, I couldn"t help it. "I don"t know."
He sighed, but he said it. "Cisco seems too young to be doing this."
"I agree."
He moved his head against the top of mine, as if he"d glance down at me if my face was where he could have seen it. "You agree?"
"Yeah, he"s been weird around me since ..." I didn"t say it out loud, because I didn"t want to upset Richard either. But Cisco had been in the room when I"d had s.e.x with London, one of our British vamps, for the first time. Cisco had had trouble not seeing me as a piece of a.s.s since that moment. He was young, young in ways that weren"t just about how old he was. "Since he saw some stuff," I finished, and hoped Richard would let it be.
He did. He carried me to the edge of the tub. The water was very loud, rushing into the huge tub. Jean-Claude had explained to me that the swan spout that filled it was hooked up to a system that filled the tub extra fast. I had a tub almost that big at home, and apparently my system was like his, a quick fill. Since I had bought the house with the tub and system in place I hadn"t realized there was anything special about it. High-tech tubs, who knew? Richard hugged me, and again I got a flash of that amazing strength. "I want to check the water, but I"m really enjoying carrying you."
"Me, too," I said.
He rested his face against my hair. "Really?"
"Yes," I said, and I would have whispered it, except the water was loud enough that true whispering wasn"t possible. He stepped into the water with me in his arms. I laughed and lifted enough to see his face. "Shouldn"t you check the temperature first?"
The look on his face made the laughter leak away. Eager, amazed, just so many emotions. Lately when we"d been together the only thing I"d seen in his face had been l.u.s.t. We"d both shut down our emotions, kept ourselves safe. It had had that feel of s.e.x at the end of a relation ship, when s.e.x is all you have left, and it isn"t enough.
"The temperature"s fine," he said, his voice soft. He knelt down, still holding me. He folded all that six feet and change down into the water, and just above his waist the water hit me. It was warm, almost hot. The water slid over my body like another set of hands, gliding, exploring. He was right, the temperature was fine.
He whispered against my hair, "How much do you hurt?"
"I ache all over."
"We"ll get cleaned up first, then let your body soak in the water. Hot water helps." He kissed my forehead, then lowered us both down into the water, so that he was almost floating with me held across his chest. He let go of me with one arm, so he could half-swim, half-pull us to the water faucet. My legs trailed out into the water, but the rest of me was held tight to his chest. He sat down against the side of the tub. The water came to his upper chest, which meant it was almost chin deep to me. He kept me pinned to the front of his body, and I was okay with that. Touching was good.
"Enough water?" He made it a question.
"Yes," I said.
He reached back and turned off the water, then settled down with me cuddled against the front of his body. The height difference was enough that to keep my chin above water I couldn"t cup my body against anything but his chest and stomach, with the rest of my body mostly floating. It was probably just as well; if too much of him touched me, I tended to get distracted. We were going to let some of the aches and pains drift away before we got distracted. He kissed the side of my face, and I settled into his arms, and the warm, warm water.
It was relaxing, or should have been, but there was a kernel of me that couldn"t relax completely. What was wrong?
"What"s wrong?" Richard asked.
"Nothing."
"You"re tense."
I sighed. "I don"t know."
His hand slid down the side of my body to cup my hip. "It seems like unless we"re having s.e.x, you get tense when we"re alone."
"I don"t mean to," I said.
He wrapped his arms around me and forced my body lower as he rose, so that certain parts of his anatomy were touching me. He wasn"t as hard as he got, but even partially erect he was a special treat. The feel of him pressed to the back of my b.u.t.t felt wonderful. It made me writhe against him, which made his body react, growing, moving against my body. It was all involuntary, and I loved knowing that I affected him like that. He pushed against me, and it brought a small sound from my lips.
"So quick, so eager. G.o.d, I do love that about you." He whispered it against my face.
"I wanted to make love to you months before you"d say yes."
"I was afraid." He nuzzled my neck, biting just a little.
That little biting made me writhe more. The aches and pains were starting to fade under the first wave of endorphins, those happy little chemicals. "Afraid of what?" I whispered.
He bit harder, and my spine bowed with it. "You."
"Why?"
He cupped his mouth around the side of my throat and bit down. I cried out for him; my nails clawed at his arms. I finally had to say, "Enough, enough."
He eased back and turned me in the water so that I was facing him. He drew me in against the front of his body, and he was hard and eager now. The feel of him against the front of my body made me cry out.
He cupped my a.s.s, pressed me harder against the front of him. I pushed at his body, almost like I wanted to get away, but that wasn"t what I was thinking. It was just almost too much, for some reason. The feel of him so eager, so big, trapped between our bodies. It was almost too much.
He shuddered, head back, his voice panting, "G.o.d, Anita, G.o.d, I love the way you react to me. I do love it!"
I wrapped my body around him, pressed the length of him against the most intimate part of me. It made me cry out and press myself tighter against him.
He pushed me against the side of the tub and moved his hips away enough to try to angle himself for my opening. I didn"t protest, until the tip of him started inside and my body let me know that the combination of water-which is not a lubricant-lack of foreplay, and his size meant this wasn"t going to work.
I half-patted, half-slapped his chest. "Too big, you"re too big."
"The water," he said, breathy. He leaned his hands on the sides of the tub, face down, the head of him still inside me. "If you release the ardeur, we can do it."
"But I"ll be sore afterward, and so will you."
He moved his hips a little, and the sensation, even tight, made me catch my breath. "Not too sore," he said.
"Yes," I said, "trust me. I don"t want to be walking funny tomorrow."
He raised his head enough to frown at me. "We"ve never done it be fore like this-how can you be so sure?"
s.h.i.t. I stared up at him with his body halfway inside mine and didn"t know what to say. The truth was Micah and I had done it, but that seemed impolitic, to say the least, in this moment. I tried to think of something that wouldn"t make him feel bad. But I waited too long.
He said, "Just say it, Anita, just say it."
"I want to make love with you, Richard. I don"t want to fight."
He pulled back enough so he wasn"t inside me anymore. He stayed with his arms on either side of the tub, framing me. The look on his face was cautious now, almost as if he were steeling himself for bad news. It wasn"t the look I wanted on his face right now.
"Say it, Anita." His voice sounded tired.
"I tried it with someone else."
"Why did it hurt?"
"Don"t make me say this, Richard, please."
"Say it," and his voice was harsher now.
I sighed. "Fine, because he was too big for it not to hurt."
"Who?"
"Don"t do this, Richard."
"Who?" This time it was a demand.
I gave him angry eyes. "Who do you think?"
"I don"t know; you"ve added at least two men to your list, and I"ve never seen either of them erect." I ducked under his arm and half-swam to the other side of the tub. "Tell me what you want me to say, Richard."
"Is it your two new vampires?"
"Are you wanting to know how you measure up to Requiem and London? Is that what you"re actually wanting to know?" He nodded. "Yeah, I guess I do." I crossed my arms under my b.r.e.a.s.t.s, the water helping, since they floated. "I cannot believe you"re asking this."
"It"s an easy question, Anita."
"Do you actually want to know if you"re bigger than they are?"
"I"m so jealous of them that I can"t see straight, so yeah, I want to know. I want to know that I"m still the best-endowed man in your bed."
"You know, I don"t actually get out a ruler and measure everybody."
"So they are big."
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph." I covered my face with my hands. "No, no, they aren"t as well endowed as you are. Happy?" I lowered my hands and found that it wasn"t a happy look on his face.