MEDITATIONS WHEN MY SOUL HATH BEEN REFRESHED WITH THE CONSOLATIONS WHICH THE WORLD KNOWES NOT.
Lord, why should I doubt any more when thou hast given me such a.s.sured Pledges of thy Love? First, thou art my Creator, I thy creature; thou my master, I thy servant. But hence arises not my comfort: Thou art my ffather, I thy child. Yee shall [be] my Sons and Daughters, saith the Lord Almighty. Christ is my brother; I ascend unto my ffather and your ffather, unto my G.o.d and your G.o.d.
But least this should not be enough, thy maker is thy husband.
Nay, more, I am a member of his Body; he, my head. Such Priviledges, had not the Word of Truth made them known, who or where is the man that durst in his heart have presumed to have thought it? So wonderfull are these thoughts that my spirit failes in me at the consideration thereof; and I am confounded to think that G.o.d, who hath done so much for me should have so little from me. But this is my comfort, when I come into Heaven, I shall understand perfectly what he hath done for me, and then shall I be able to praise him as I ought. Lord, haveing this hope, let me pruefie myself as thou art Pure, and let me bee no more affraid of Death, but even desire to be dissolved, and bee with thee, which is best of all.
Of the same nature are the fragments of diary which follow:
July 8th, 1656. I had a sore fitt of fainting which lasted 2 or 3 days, but not in that extremity which at first it took me, and so much the sorer it was to me because my dear husband was from home (who is my chiefest comforter on Earth); but my G.o.d, who never failed me, was not absent, but helped me, and gratiously manifested his Love to me, which I dare not pa.s.se by without Remembrance, that it may be a support to me when I shall have occasion to read this hereafter, and to others that shall read it when I shall posesse that I now hope for, that so they may bee encourag"d to trust in him who is the only Portion of his Servants.
O Lord, let me never forget thy Goodness, nor question thy faithfulness to me, for thou art my G.o.d: Thou hast said and shall I not beleive it?
Thou hast given me a pledge of that Inheritance thou hast promised to bestow upon me. O, never let Satan prevail against me, but strengthen my faith in Thee "till I shall attain the end of my hopes, even the Salvation of my Soul. Come, Lord Jesus; come quickly.
What G.o.d is like to him I serve, What Saviour like to mine?
O, never let me from thee swerve, For truly I am thine.
Sept. 30, 1657. It pleased G.o.d to viset me with my old Distemper of weakness and fainting, but not in that sore manner sometimes he hath. I desire not only willingly, but thankfully, to submitt to him, for I trust it is out of his abundant Love to my straying Soul which in prosperity is too much in love with the world. I have found by experience I can no more live without correction than without food. Lord, with thy correction give Instruction and amendment, and then thy strokes shall bee welcome. I have not been refined in the furnace of affliction as some have been, but have rather been preserved with sugar then brine, yet will He preserve me to His heavenly kingdom.
Thus (dear children) have yee seen the many sicknesses and weaknesses that I have pa.s.sed thro: to the end that, if you meet with the like, you may have recourse to the same G.o.d who hath heard and delivered me, and will doe the like for you if you trust in him: and, when he shall deliver you out of distresse, forget not to give him thankes, but to walk more closely with him then before. This is the desire of your Loving Mother, A. B.
With this record came a time of comparative health, and it is not till some years later that she finds it necessary to again write of sharp physical suffering, this being the last reference made in her papers to her own condition:
May 11, 1661. It hath pleased G.o.d to give me a long Time of respite for these 4 years that I have had no great fitt of sickness, but this year, from the middle of January "till May, I have been by fitts very ill and weak. The first of this month I had a feaver seat"d upon me which, indeed, was the longest and sorest that ever I had, lasting 4 dayes, and the weather being very hott made it the more tedious, but it pleased the Lord to support my heart in his goodness, and to hear my Prayers, and to deliver me out of adversity. But alas! I cannot render unto the Lord according to all his loving kindnes, nor take the cup salvation with Thanksgiving as I ought to doe. Lord, Thou that knowest All things, know"st that I desire to testefye my thankfulnes, not only in word, but in Deed, that my Conversation may speak that thy vowes are upon me.
The diary of "Religious Reflections" was written at this period and holds a portrait of the devout and tender mind, sensitive and morbidly conscientious, but full of an aspiration that never left her. The few hints as to her early life are all embodied here, though the biographer is forced to work chiefly by inference:
TO MY DEAR CHILDREN:
This Book by Any yet unread, I leave for you when I am dead, That, being gone, here you may find What was your living mother"s mind.
Make use of what I leave in Love And G.o.d shall blesse you from above.
A. B.
MY DEAR CHILDREN: Knowing by experience that the exhortations of parents take most effect when the speakers leave to speak, and those especially sink deepest which are spoke latest--and being ignorant whether on my death-bed I shall have opportunity to speak to any of you, much lesse to All--thought it the best, whilst I was able to compose some short matters, (for what else to call them I know not) and bequeath to you, that when I am no more with you, yet I may bee dayly in your remembrance, (Although that is the least in my aim in what I now doe) but that you may gain some spiritual Advantage by my experience. I have not studied in this you read to show my skill, but to declare the Truth---not to sett forth myself, but the Glory of G.o.d. If I had minded the former, it had been perhaps better pleasing to you,--but seing the last is the best, let it bee best pleasing to you. The method I will observe shall bee this--I will begin with G.o.d"s dealing with me from my childhood to this Day. In my young years, about 6 or 7 as I take it, I began to make conscience of my wayes, and what I knew was sinful, as lying, disobedience to Parents, &c., I avoided it.
If at any time I was overtaken with the like evills, it was a great Trouble. I could not be at rest "till by prayer I had confest it unto G.o.d. I was also troubled at the neglect of Private Dutyes, tho: too often tardy that way. I also found much comfort in reading the Scriptures, especially those places I thought most concerned my Condition, and as I grew to have more understanding, so the more solace I took in them.
In a long fitt of sicknes which I had on my bed I often communed with my heart, and made my supplication to the most High who sett me free from that affliction.
But as I grew up to bee about 14 or 15 I found my heart more carnall, and sitting loose from G.o.d, vanity and the follyes of youth take hold of me. About 16, the Lord layed his hand sore upon me and Smott mee with the small pox. When I was in my affliction, I besought the Lord, and confessed my Pride and Vanity and he was entreated of me, and again restored me. But I rendered not to him according to the benefitt received.
After a short time I changed my condition and was marryed, and came into this Contry, where I fond a new world and new manners, at which my heart rose. But after I was convinced it was the way of G.o.d, I submitted to it and joined to the church at Boston.
After some time I fell into a lingering sicknes like a consumption, together with a lamenesse, which correction I saw the Lord sent to humble and try me and doe mee Good: and it was not altogether ineffectual.
It pleased G.o.d to keep me a long time without a child, which was a great grief to me, and cost mee many prayers and tears before I obtained one, and after him gave mee many more, of whom I now take the care, that as I have broght you into the world, and with great paines, weaknes, cares, and feares, brought you to this, I now travail in birth again of you till Christ bee formed in you.
Among all my experiences of G.o.d"s gratious Dealings with me I have constantly observed this, that he hath never suffered me long to sitt loose from him, but by one affliction or other hath made me look home, and search what was amisse so usually thos it hath been with me that I have no sooner felt my heart out of order, but I have expected correction for it, which most commonly hath been upon my own person, in sicknesse, weaknes, paines, sometimes on my soul, in Doubts and feares of G.o.d"s displeasure, and my sincerity towards him, sometimes he hath smott a child with sicknes, sometimes chastened by losses in estate,--and these Times (thro: his great mercy) have been the times of my greatest Getting and Advantage, yea I have found them the Times when the Lord hath manifested the most love to me. Then have I gone to searching, and have said with David, Lord search me and try me, see what wayes of wickednes are in me, and lead me in the way everlasting; and seldom or never, but I have found either some sin I lay under which G.o.d would have reformed, or some duty neglected which he would have performed. And by his help I have layed Vowes and Bonds upon my Soul to perform his righteous commands.
If at any time you are chastened of G.o.d, take it as thankfully and Joyfully as in greatest mercyes, for if yee bee his yee shall reap the greatest benefit by it. It hath been no small support to me in times of Darkness when the Almighty hath hid his face from me, that yet I have had abundance of sweetness and refreshment after affliction, and more circ.u.mspection in my walking after I have been afflicted. I have been with G.o.d like an untoward child, that no longer than the rod has been on my back (or at least in sight) but I have been apt to forgett him and myself too. Before I was afflicted I went astray, but now I keep thy statutes.
I have had great experience of G.o.d"s hearing my Prayers, and returning comfortable Answers to me, either in granting the thing I prayed for, or else in satisfying my mind without it; and I have been confident it hath been from him, because I have found my heart through his goodnes enlarged in thankfullnes to him.
I have often been perplexed that I have not found that constant Joy in my Pilgrim age and refreshing which I supposed most of the servants of G.o.d have; although he hath not left me altogether without the wittnes of his holy spirit, who hath oft given mee his word and sett to his Seal that it shall bee well with me. I have sometimes tasted of that hidden manna that the world knowes not, and have sett up my Ebenezer, and have resolved with myself that against such a promise such taste of sweetnes, the Gates of h.e.l.l shall never prevail. Yet have I many times sinkings and droopings, and not enjoyed that felicity that sometimes I have done. But when I have been in darknes and seen no light, yet have I desired to stay myself upon the Lord. And, when I have been in sicknes and pain, I have thought if the Lord would but lift up the light of his Countenance upon me, altho he ground me to powder, it would bee but light to me; yea, oft have I thought were if h.e.l.l itself, and could there find the Love of G.o.d toward me, it would bee a Heaven. And, could I have been in Heaven without the Love of G.o.d it would have been a h.e.l.l to me; for in Truth, it is the absence and presence of G.o.d that makes Heaven or h.e.l.l.
Many times hath Satan troubled me concerning the verity of the Scriptures, many times by Atheisme how could I know whether there was a G.o.d; I never saw any miracles to confirm me, and those which I read of how did I know but they were feigned. That there is a G.o.d my Reason would soon tell me by the wondrous workes that I see, the vast frame of the Heaven and the Earth, the order of all things, night and day, Summer and Winter, Spring and Autumne, the dayly providing for this great houshold upon the Earth, the preserving and directing of All to its proper end. The consideration of these things would with amazement certainly resolve me that there is an Eternall Being.
But how should I know he is such a G.o.d as I worship in Trinity, and such a Savior as I rely upon? tho: this hath thousands of times been suggested to mee, yet G.o.d hath helped me ever. I have argued this with myself. That there is a G.o.d I see. If ever this G.o.d hath revealed himself, it must bee in his word, and this must be it or none. Have I not found that operation by it that no humane Invention can work upon the Soul? Hath not Judgments befallen Diverse who have scorned and contemd it? Hath it not been preserved thro: all Ages mangre all the heathen Tyrants and all of the enemies who have opposed it? Is there any story but that which shows the beginnings of Times, and how the world came to bee as wee see? Doe wee not know the prophecyes in it fullfilled which could not have been so long foretold by any but G.o.d himself? When I have gott over this Block, then have I another pott in my way, That admitt this bee the true G.o.d whom we worship, and that be his word, yet why may not the Popish Religion bee the right? They have the same G.o.d, the same Christ, the same word; they only interprett it one way, wee another. This hath sometimes stuck with me, and more it would, but the vain fooleries that are in their Religion, together with their lying miracles and cruell persecutions of the Saints, which admitt were they as they terme them, yet not so to be dealt with all. The consideration of these things and many the like would soon turn me to my own Religion again. But some new Troubles I have had since the world has been filled with Blasphemy, and Sectaries, and some who have been accounted sincere Christians have been carryed away with them, that sometimes I have said, Is there ffaith upon the earth? and I have not known what to think. But then I have remembered the words of Christ that so it must bee, and that, if it were possible, the very elect should bee deceived. Behold, faith our Savior, I have told you before. That hath stayed my heart, and I can now say, Return, O my Soul, to thy Rest, upon this Rock Christ Jesus will I build my faith; and if I perish, I perish. But I know all the Powers of h.e.l.l shall never prevail against it. I know whom I have trusted, and whom I have believed, and that he is able to keep that I have committed to his charge. Now to the King, Immortall, Eternall, and invisible, the only wise G.o.d, bee Honor and Glory forever and ever! Amen. This was written in much sicknesse and weakness, and is very weakly and imperfectly done; but, if you can pick any Benefitt out of it, it is the marke which I aimed at.
For a few of the years that remained there were the alternations to which she had long been accustomed, but with 1669 she had become a hopeless and almost helpless invalid, longing to die, yet still held by the intense vitality which must have been her characteristic, and which required three years more of wasting pain before the struggle could end. In August, of 1669, she had written one of the most pathetic of her poems:
Aug: 31, 69.
As weary pilgrim now at rest, Hugs with delight his silent nest His wasted limbes now lye full soft That myrie steps have trodden oft.
Blesses himself to think upon his dangers past, and travails done.
The burning sun no more shall heat Nor stormy raines on him shall beat.
The bryars and thornes no more shall scratch, nor hungry wolves at him shall catch He erring pathes no more shall tread nor wilde fruits eate, instead of bread for waters cold he doth not long for thirst no more shall parch his tongue.
No rugged stones his feet shall gaule, nor stumps nor rocks cause him to fall.
All cares and feares, he bids farewell and meanes in safity now to dwell.
A pilgrim I, on earth, perplext, Wth sinns wth cares and sorrovys vext By age and paines brought to decay.
And my Clay house mouldring away Oh how I long to be at rest and soare on high among the blesst.
This body shall in silence sleep Mine eyes no more shall ever weep No fainting fits shall me a.s.saile nor grinding paines my body fraile Wth cares and fears n"er c.u.mbred be Nor losses know, nor sorrows see What tho my flesh shall there consume it is the bed Christ did perfume And when a few yeares shall be gone this mortall shall be cloth"d upon A corrupt Carca.s.se ddwne it lyes A glorious body it shall rise In weakness and dishonour sowne in power "tis rais"d by Christ alone When soule and body shall unite and of their maker have the sight Such lasting joyes shall there behold as care ne"r heard nor tongue e"er told Lord make me ready for that day then Come dear bridegrome, Come away.
The long waiting ended at last, and her son, Simon Bradstreet, wrote in his diary:
"Sept. 16, 1672. My ever honoured & most clear Mother was translated to Heaven. Her death was occasioned by a consumption being wasted to skin & bone & she had an issue made in her arm bee: she was much troubled with rheum, & one of ye women yt tended herr dressing her arm, s"d shee never saw such an arm in her Life, I, s"d my most dear Mother but yt shall bee a Glorious Arm.
"I being absent fro her lost the opportunity of committing to memory her pious & memorable xpressions uttered in her sicknesse.
O yt the good Lord would give unto me and mine a heart to walk in her steps, considering what the end of her Conversation was, yt so wee might one day have a happy & glorious greeting."
Dorothy, the wife of Seaborn Cotton and the namesake of her grandmother, had died in February of the same year, making the first break in the family circle, which had been a singularly united one, the remainder all living to advanced years. Grief at the loss had been softened by the certainty that separation could not last long, and in spite of the terror with which her creed filled even the thought of death, suffering had made at last a welcome one. No other touch could bring healing or rest to the racked and weary body, and deeply as Simon Bradstreet mourned her loss, a weight rolled away, when the long suffering had ended.
That the country-side thronged to the funeral of the woman whose name was honored in every New England settlement, we may know, but no record remains of ceremony, or sermon, or even of burial place.
The old graveyard at Andover holds no stone that may perhaps have been hers, and it is believed that her father"s tomb at Roxbury may have received the remains, that possibly she herself desired should lie by those of her mother. Sermons were preached in all the princ.i.p.al churches, and funeral elegies, that dearest form of the Puritan muse, poured in, that by John Norton being the best ill.u.s.tration of manner and method.
A FUNERAL ELOGY,
_Upon that Pattern and Patron of Virtue, the truely pious, peerless matchless Gentlewoman_
MRS. ANNE BRADSTREET,
_right Panaretes,_
_Mirror of her Age, Glory of her s.e.x, whose Heaven-born-Soul its earthly Shrine, chose its native home, and was taken to its Rest upon 16th Sept. 1672._
Ask not why hearts turn Magazines of pa.s.sions, And why that grief is clad in several fashions; Why she on progress goes, and doth not borrow The small"st respite from the extreams of sorrow, Her misery is got to such an height, As makes the earth groan to support its weight, Such storms of woe, so strongly have beset her, She hath no place for worse, nor hope for better Her comfort is, if any for her be, That none can shew more cause of grief then she.
Ask not why some in mournfull black are clad; The sun is set, there needs must be a shade.
Ask not why every face a sadness shrowdes; The setting Sun ore-cast us hath with Clouds.
Ask not why the great glory of the Skye That gilds the stars with heavenly Alchamy, Which all the world doth lighten with his Rayes, The _Persian_ G.o.d, the Monarch of the dayes; Ask not the reason of his extasie, Paleness of late, in midnoon Majesty, Why that the pale fac"d Empress of the night Disrob"d her brother of his glorious light.
Did not the language of the stars foretel A mournfull Scoene when they with tears did Swell?