Jerrold was afraid of Anne, and he saw no end to his fear. He had been dashed against the suffering he was trying to put away from him and the shock of it had killed in one hour his young adolescent pa.s.sion. She would be for ever a.s.sociated with that suffering. He would never see Anne without thinking of his father"s death. He would never think of his father"s death without seeing Anne. He would see her for ever through an atmosphere of pain and horror, moving as she had moved in his father"s room. He couldn"t see her any other way. This intolerable memory of her effaced all other memories, memories of the child Anne with the rabbit, of the young, happy Anne who walked and rode and played with him, of the strange, mysterious Anne he had found yesterday in her room at dawn.
That Anne belonged to a time he had done with. There was nothing left for him but the Anne who had come to tell him his father was dying, who had brought him to his father"s death-bed, who had bound herself up inseparably with his death, who only moved from the scene of it to appear dressed in black and carrying the flowers for his funeral.
She was wrapped round and round with death and death, nothing but death, and with Jerrold"s suffering. When he saw her he suffered again. And as his way had always been to avoid suffering, he avoided Anne. His eyes turned from her if he saw her coming. He spoke to her without looking at her. He tried not to think of her. When he had gone he would try not to remember.
His one idea was to go, to get away from the place his father had died in and from the people who had seen him die. He wanted new unknown faces, new unknown voices that would not remind him------
Ten days after his father"s death the letter came from John Severn. He wrote:
"... I"m delighted about Sir Charles Durham. You are a lucky devil. Any chap Sir Charles takes a fancy to is bound to get on. He can"t help himself. You"re not afraid of hard work, and I can tell you we give our a.s.sistant Commissioners all they want and a lot more.
"It"ll be nice if you bring Anne out with you. If you"re stationed anywhere near us we ought to give her the jolliest time in her life between us."
"But Jerrold," said Adeline when she had read this letter. "You"re not going out _now_. You must wire and tell him so."
"Why not now?"
"Because, my dear boy, you"ve got the estate and you must stay and look after it."
"Barker"ll look after it. That"s what he"s there for."
"Nonsense, Jerrold. There"s no need for you to go out to India."
"There _is_ need. I"ve got to go."
"You haven"t. There"s every need for you to stop where you are. Eliot will be going abroad if Sir Martin Crozier takes him on. And if Colin goes into the diplomatic service Goodness knows where he"ll be sent to."
"Colin won"t be sent anywhere for another four years."
"No. But he"ll be at Cheltenham or Cambridge half the time. I must have one son at home."
"Sorry, Mother. But I can"t stand it here. I"ve got to go, and I"m going."
To all her arguments and entreaties he had one answer: He had got to go and he was going.
Adeline left him and went to look for Eliot whom she found in his room packing to go back to London. She came sobbing to Eliot.
"It"s too dreadfully hard. As if it weren"t bad enough to lose my darling husband I must lose all my sons. Not one of you will stay with me. And there"s Anne going off with Jerrold. _She_ may have him with her and I mayn"t. She"s taken everything from me. You"d have said if a wife"s place was anywhere it was with her dying husband. But no. _She_ was allowed to be with him and _I_ was turned out of his room."
"My dear Mother, you know you weren"t."
"I _was_. You turned me out yourself, Eliot, and had Anne in."
"Only because you couldn"t stand it and she could."
"I daresay. She hadn"t the same feelings."
"She had her own feelings, anyhow, only she controlled them. She stood it because she never thought of her feelings. She only thought of what she could do to help. She was magnificent."
"Of course you think so, because you"re in love with her. She must take you, too. As if Jerrold wasn"t enough."
"She hasn"t taken me. She probably won"t if I ask her. You shouldn"t say those things, Mother. You don"t know what you"re talking about."
"I know I"m the most unhappy woman in the world. How am I going to live?
I can"t stand it if Jerry goes."
"He"s got to go, Mother."
"He hasn"t. Jerrold"s place is here. He"s got a duty and a responsibility. Your dear father didn"t leave him the estate for him to let it go to wrack and ruin. It"s most cruel and wrong of him."
"He can"t do anything else. Don"t you see why he wants to go? He can"t stand the place without Father."
"I"ve got to stand it. So he may."
"Well, he won"t, that"s all. He simply funks it."
"He always was an arrant coward where trouble was concerned. He doesn"t think of other people and how bad it is for them. He leaves me when I want him most."
"It"s hard on you, Mother; but you can"t stop him. And I don"t think you ought to try."
"Oh, everybody tells me what _I_ ought to do. My children can do as they like. So can Anne. She and Jerrold can go off to India and amuse themselves as if nothing had happened and it"s all right."
But Anne didn"t go off to India.
When she spoke to Jerrold about going with him his hard, unhappy face showed her that he didn"t want her.
"You"d rather I didn"t go," she said gently.
"It isn"t that, Anne. It isn"t that I don"t want you. It"s--it"s simply that I want to get away from here, to get away from everything that reminds me--I shall go off my head if I"ve got to remember every minute, every time I see somebody who--I want to make a clean break and grow a new memory."
"I understand. You needn"t tell me."
"Mother doesn"t. I wish you"d make her see it."
"I"ll try. But it"s all right, Jerrold. I won"t go."
"Of course you"ll go. Only you won"t think me a brute if I don"t take you out with me?"
"I"m not going out with you. In fact, I don"t think I"m going at all. I only wanted to because of going out together and because of the chance of seeing you when you got leave. I only thought of the heavenly times we might have had."
"Don"t--don"t, Anne."
"No, I won"t. After all, I shouldn"t care a rap about Ambala if you weren"t there. And you may be stationed miles away. I"d rather go back to Ilford and do farming. Ever so much rather. India would really have wasted a lot of time."
"Oh, Anne, I"ve spoilt all your pleasure."
"No, you haven"t. There isn"t any pleasure to spoil--now."
"What a brute--what a cad you must think me."