"I can"t tell you--don"t ask me . I wouldn"t mind your knowing-- I wish you did know--but I can"t tell you--I can"t tell anyone. I"ve been such a fool, Anne--and oh, it hurts so terribly to be a fool. There"s nothing so painful in the world."
She laughed bitterly. Anne slipped her arm around her.
"Leslie, is it that you have learned to care for Mr. Ford?"
Leslie turned herself about pa.s.sionately.
"How did you know?" she cried. "Anne, how did you know? Oh, is it written in my face for everyone to see? Is it as plain as that?"
"No, no. I--I can"t tell you how I knew. It just came into my mind, somehow. Leslie, don"t look at me like that!"
"Do you despise me?" demanded Leslie in a fierce, low tone. "Do you think I"m wicked--unwomanly? Or do you think I"m just plain fool?"
"I don"t think you any of those things. Come, dear, let"s just talk it over sensibly, as we might talk over any other of the great crises of life. You"ve been brooding over it and let yourself drift into a morbid view of it. You know you have a little tendency to do that about everything that goes wrong, and you promised me that you would fight against it."
"But--oh, it"s so--so shameful," murmured Leslie. "To love him--unsought--and when I"m not free to love anybody."
"There"s nothing shameful about it. But I"m very sorry that you have learned to care for Owen, because, as things are, it will only make you more unhappy."
"I didn"t LEARN to care," said Leslie, walking on and speaking pa.s.sionately. "If it had been like that I could have prevented it. I never dreamed of such a thing until that day, a week ago, when he told me he had finished his book and must soon go away. Then-- then I knew. I felt as if someone had struck me a terrible blow. I didn"t say anything--I couldn"t speak--but I don"t know what I looked like. I"m so afraid my face betrayed me. Oh, I would die of shame if I thought he knew--or suspected."
Anne was miserably silent, hampered by her deductions from her conversation with Owen. Leslie went on feverishly, as if she found relief in speech.
"I was so happy all this summer, Anne--happier than I ever was in my life. I thought it was because everything had been made clear between you and me, and that it was our friendship which made life seem so beautiful and full once more. And it WAS, in part--but not all--oh, not nearly all. I know now why everything was so different. And now it"s all over--and he has gone. How can I live, Anne? When I turned back into the house this morning after he had gone the solitude struck me like a blow in the face."
"It won"t seem so hard by and by, dear," said Anne, who always felt the pain of her friends so keenly that she could not speak easy, fluent words of comforting. Besides, she remembered how well- meant speeches had hurt her in her own sorrow and was afraid.
"Oh, it seems to me it will grow harder all the time," said Leslie miserably. "I"ve nothing to look forward to. Morning will come after morning--and he will not come back--he will never come back. Oh, when I think that I will never see him again I feel as if a great brutal hand had twisted itself among my heartstrings, and was wrenching them. Once, long ago, I dreamed of love--and I thought it must be beautiful--and NOW--its like THIS. When he went away yesterday morning he was so cold and indifferent. He said `Good- bye, Mrs. Moore" in the coldest tone in the world--as if we had not even been friends--as if I meant absolutely nothing to him. I know I don"t--I didn"t want him to care--but he MIGHT have been a little kinder."
"Oh, I wish Gilbert would come," thought Anne. She was racked between her sympathy for Leslie and the necessity of avoiding anything that would betray Owen"s confidence. She knew why his good-bye had been so cold--why it could not have the cordiality that their good-comradeship demanded--but she could not tell Leslie.
"I couldn"t help it, Anne--I couldn"t help it," said poor Leslie.
"I know that."
"Do you blame me so very much?"
"I don"t blame you at all."
"And you won"t--you won"t tell Gilbert?"
" Leslie! Do you think I would do such a thing?"
"Oh, I don"t know--you and Gilbert are such CHUMS. I don"t see how you could help telling him everything."
"Everything about my own concerns--yes. But not my friends" secrets."
"I couldn"t have HIM know. But I"m glad YOU know. I would feel guilty if there were anything I was ashamed to tell you. I hope Miss Cornelia won"t find out. Sometimes I feel as if those terrible, kind brown eyes of hers read my very soul. Oh, I wish this mist would never lift--I wish I could just stay in it forever, hidden away from every living being. I don"t see how I can go on with life. This summer has been so full. I never was lonely for a moment. Before Owen came there used to be horrible moments--when I had been with you and Gilbert--and then had to leave you. You two would walk away together and I would walk away ALONE. After Owen came he was always there to walk home with me--we would laugh and talk as you and Gilbert were doing--there were no more lonely, envious moments for me. And NOW! Oh, yes, I"ve been a fool. Let"s have done talking about my folly. I"ll never bore you with it again."
"Here is Gilbert, and you are coming back with us," said Anne, who had no intention of leaving Leslie to wander alone on the sand-bar on such a night and in such a mood. "There"s plenty of room in our boat for three, and we"ll tie the flat on behind."
"Oh, I suppose I must reconcile myself to being the odd one again," said poor Leslie with another bitter laugh. "Forgive me, Anne--that was hateful. I ought to be thankful--and I AM--that I have two good friends who are glad to count me in as a third. Don"t mind my hateful speeches. I just seem to be one great pain all over and everything hurts me."
"Leslie seemed very quiet tonight, didn"t she?" said Gilbert, when he and Anne reached home. "What in the world was she doing over there on the bar alone?"
"Oh, she was tired--and you know she likes to go to the sh.o.r.e after one of d.i.c.k"s bad days."
"What a pity she hadn"t met and married a fellow like Ford long ago," ruminated Gilbert. "They"d have made an ideal couple, wouldn"t they?"
"For pity"s sake, Gilbert, don"t develop into a match-maker. It"s an abominable profession for a man," cried Anne rather sharply, afraid that Gilbert might blunder on the truth if he kept on in this strain.
"Bless us, Anne-girl, I"m not matchmaking," protested Gilbert, rather surprised at her tone. "I was only thinking of one of the might-have-beens."
"Well, don"t. It"s a waste of time," said Anne. Then she added suddenly: "Oh, Gilbert, I wish everybody could be as happy as we are."
CHAPTER 28.
ODDS AND ENDS.
"I"ve been reading obituary notices," said Miss Cornelia, laying down the Daily Enterprise and taking up her sewing.
The harbor was lying black and sullen under a dour November sky; the wet, dead leaves clung drenched and sodden to the window sills; but the little house was gay with firelight and spring-like with Anne"s ferns and geraniums.
"It"s always summer here, Anne," Leslie had said one day; and all who were the guests of that house of dreams felt the same.
"The Enterprise seems to run to obituaries these days," quoth Miss Cornelia. "It always has a couple of columns of them, and I read every line. It"s one of my forms of recreation, especially when there"s some original poetry attached to them. Here"s a choice sample for you: She"s gone to be with her Maker, Never more to roam. She used to play and sing with joy The song of Home, Sweet Home.
Who says we haven"t any poetical talent on the Island! Have you ever noticed what heaps of good people die, Anne, dearie? It"s kind of pitiful. Here"s ten obituaries, and every one of them saints and models, even the men. Here"s old Peter Stimson, who has `left a large circle of friends to mourn his untimely loss." Lord, Anne, dearie, that man was eighty, and everybody who knew him had been wishing him dead these thirty years. Read obituaries when you"re blue, Anne, dearie--especially the ones of folks you know. If you"ve any sense of humor at all they"ll cheer you up, believe ME. I just wish I had the writing of the obituaries of some people. Isn"t `obituary" an awful ugly word? This very Peter I"ve been speaking of had a face exactly like one. I never saw it but I thought of the word OBITUARY then and there. There"s only one uglier word that I know of, and that"s RELICT. Lord, Anne, dearie, I may be an old maid, but there"s this comfort in it--I"ll never be any man"s `relict.""
"It IS an ugly word," said Anne, laughing. "Avonlea graveyard was full of old tombstones `sacred to the memory of So-and-So, RELICT of the late So-and-So." It always made me think of something worn out and moth eaten. Why is it that so many of the words connected with death are so disagreeable? I do wish that the custom of calling a dead body `the remains" could be abolished. I positively shiver when I hear the undertaker say at a funeral, `All who wish to see the remains please step this way." It always gives me the horrible impression that I am about to view the scene of a cannibal feast."
"Well, all I hope," said Miss Cornelia calmly, "is that when I"m dead n.o.body will call me `our departed sister." I took a scunner at this sister-and-brothering business five years ago when there was a travelling evangelist holding meetings at the Glen. I hadn"t any use for him from the start. I felt in my bones that there was something wrong with him. And there was. Mind you, he was pretending to be a Presbyterian--PresbyTARian, HE called it--and all the time he was a Methodist. He brothered and sistered everybody. He had a large circle of relations, that man had. He clutched my hand fervently one night, and said imploringly, `My DEAR sister Bryant, are you a Christian?" I just looked him over a bit, and then I said calmly, `The only brother I ever had, MR. Fiske, was buried fifteen years ago, and I haven"t adopted any since. As for being a Christian, I was that, I hope and believe, when you were crawling about the floor in petticoats." THAT squelched him, believe ME. Mind you, Anne dearie, I"m not down on all evangelists. We"ve had some real fine, earnest men, who did a lot of good and made the old sinners squirm. But this Fiske-man wasn"t one of them. I had a good laugh all to myself one evening. Fiske had asked all who were Christians to stand up. I didn"t, believe me! I never had any use for that sort of thing. But most of them did, and then he asked all who wanted to be Christians to stand up. n.o.body stirred for a spell, so Fiske started up a hymn at the top of his voice. Just in front of me poor little Ikey Baker was sitting in the Millison pew. He was a home boy, ten years old, and Millison just about worked him to death. The poor little creature was always so tired he fell asleep right off whenever he went to church or anywhere he could sit still for a few minutes. He"d been sleeping all through the meeting, and I was thankful to see the poor child getting a rest, believe ME. Well, when Fiske"s voice went soaring skyward and the rest joined in, poor Ikey wakened with a start. He thought it was just an ordinary singing and that everybody ought to stand up, so he scrambled to his feet mighty quick, knowing he"d get a combing down from Maria Millison for sleeping in meeting. Fiske saw him, stopped and shouted, `Another soul saved! Glory Hallelujah!" And there was poor, frightened Ikey, only half awake and yawning, never thinking about his soul at all. Poor child, he never had time to think of anything but his tired, overworked little body.
"Leslie went one night and the Fiske-man got right after her--oh, he was especially anxious about the souls of the nice-looking girls, believe me!--and he hurt her feelings so she never went again. And then he prayed every night after that, right in public, that the Lord would soften her hard heart. Finally I went to Mr. Leavitt, our minister then, and told him if he didn"t make Fiske stop that I"d just rise up the next night and throw my hymn book at him when he mentioned that `beautiful but unrepentant young woman." I"d have done it too, believe ME. Mr. Leavitt did put a stop to it, but Fiske kept on with his meetings until Charley Douglas put an end to his career in the Glen. Mrs. Charley had been out in California all winter. She"d been real melancholy in the fall--religious melancholy--it ran in her family. Her father worried so much over believing that he had committed the unpardonable sin that he died in the asylum. So when Rose Douglas got that way Charley packed her off to visit her sister in Los Angeles. She got perfectly well and came home just when the Fiske revival was in full swing. She stepped off the train at the Glen, real smiling and chipper, and the first thing she saw staring her in the face on the black, gable-end of the freight shed, was the question, in big white letters, two feet high, `Whither goest thou--to heaven or h.e.l.l?" That had been one of Fiske"s ideas, and he had got Henry Hammond to paint it. Rose just gave a shriek and fainted; and when they got her home she was worse than ever. Charley Douglas went to Mr. Leavitt and told him that every Douglas would leave the church if Fiske was kept there any longer. Mr. Leavitt had to give in, for the Douglases paid half his salary, so Fiske departed, and we had to depend on our Bibles once more for instructions on how to get to heaven. After he was gone Mr. Leavitt found out he was just a masquerading Methodist, and he felt pretty sick, believe ME. Mr. Leavitt fell short in some ways, but he was a good, sound Presbyterian."
"By the way, I had a letter from Mr. Ford yesterday," said Anne. "He asked me to remember him kindly to you."
"I don"t want his remembrances," said Miss Cornelia, curtly.
"Why?" said Anne, in astonishment. "I thought you liked him."
"Well, so I did, in a kind of way. But I"ll never forgive him for what he done to Leslie. There"s that poor child eating her heart out about him--as if she hadn"t had trouble enough--and him ranting round Toronto, I"ve no doubt, enjoying himself same as ever. Just like a man."
"Oh, Miss Cornelia, how did you find out?"
"Lord, Anne, dearie, I"ve got eyes, haven"t I? And I"ve known Leslie since she was a baby . There"s been a new kind of heartbreak in her eyes all the fall, and I know that writer-man was behind it somehow. I"ll never forgive myself for being the means of bringing him here. But I never expected he"d be like he was. I thought he"d just be like the other men Leslie had boarded--conceited young a.s.ses, every one of them, that she never had any use for. One of them did try to flirt with her once and she froze him out--so bad, I feel sure he"s never got himself thawed since. So I never thought of any danger."
"Don"t let Leslie suspect you know her secret," said Anne hurriedly. "I think it would hurt her."
"Trust me, Anne, dearie. I wasn"t born yesterday. Oh, a plague on all the men! One of them ruined Leslie"s life to begin with, and now another of the tribe comes and makes her still more wretched. Anne, this world is an awful place, believe me."
"There"s something in the world amiss Will be unriddled by and by,"
quoted Anne dreamily.
"If it is, it"ll be in a world where there aren"t any men," said Miss Cornelia gloomily.
"What have the men been doing now?" asked Gilbert, entering.
"Mischief--mischief! What else did they ever do?"
"It was Eve ate the apple, Miss Cornelia."
" "Twas a he-creature tempted her," retorted Miss Cornelia triumphantly.
Leslie, after her first anguish was over, found it possible to go on with life after all, as most of us do, no matter what our particular form of torment has been. It is even possible that she enjoyed moments of it, when she was one of the gay circle in the little house of dreams. But if Anne ever hoped that she was forgetting Owen Ford she would have been undeceived by the furtive hunger in Leslie"s eyes whenever his name was mentioned. Pitiful to that hunger, Anne always contrived to tell Captain Jim or Gilbert bits of news from Owen"s letters when Leslie was with them. The girl"s flush and pallor at such moments spoke all too eloquently of the emotion that filled her being. But she never spoke of him to Anne, or mentioned that night on the sand-bar.
One day her old dog died and she grieved bitterly over him.
"He"s been my friend so long," she said sorrowfully to Anne. "He was d.i.c.k"s old dog, you know--d.i.c.k had him for a year or so before we were married. He left him with me when he sailed on the Four Sisters. Carlo got very fond of me--and his dog-love helped me through that first dreadful year after mother died, when I was alone. When I heard that d.i.c.k was coming back I was afraid Carlo wouldn"t be so much mine. But he never seemed to care for d.i.c.k, though he had been so fond of him once. He would snap and growl at him as if he were a stranger. I was glad. It was nice to have one thing whose love was all mine. That old dog has been such a comfort to me, Anne. He got so feeble in the fall that I was afraid he couldn"t live long--but I hoped I could nurse him through the winter. He seemed pretty well this morning. He was lying on the rug before the fire; then, all at once, he got up and crept over to me; he put his head on my lap and gave me one loving look out of his big, soft, dog eyes--and then he just shivered and died. I shall miss him so."
"Let me give you another dog, Leslie," said Anne . "I"m getting a lovely Gordon setter for a Christmas present for Gilbert. Let me give you one too."
Leslie shook her head.
"Not just now, thank you, Anne. I don"t feel like having another dog yet. I don"t seem to have any affection left for another. Perhaps--in time--I"ll let you give me one. I really need one as a kind of protection. But there was something almost human about Carlo-- it wouldn"t be DECENT to fill his place too hurriedly, dear old fellow ."
Anne went to Avonlea a week before Christmas and stayed until after the holidays. Gilbert came up for her, and there was a glad New Year celebration at Green Gables, when Barrys and Blythes and Wrights a.s.sembled to devour a dinner which had cost Mrs. Rachel and Marilla much careful thought and preparation. When they went back to Four Winds the little house was almost drifted over, for the third storm of a winter that was to prove phenomenally stormy had whirled up the harbor and heaped huge snow mountains about everything it encountered. But Captain Jim had shovelled out doors and paths, and Miss Cornelia had come down and kindled the hearth-fire.
"It"s good to see you back, Anne, dearie! But did you ever see such drifts? You can"t see the Moore place at all unless you go upstairs. Leslie"ll be so glad you"re back. She"s almost buried alive over there. Fortunately d.i.c.k can shovel snow, and thinks it"s great fun. Susan sent me word to tell you she would be on hand tomorrow. Where are you off to now, Captain?"
"I reckon I"ll plough up to the Glen and sit a bit with old Martin Strong. He"s not far from his end and he"s lonesome. He hasn"t many friends--been too busy all his life to make any. He"s made heaps of money, though."
"Well, he thought that since he couldn"t serve G.o.d and Mammon he"d better stick to Mammon," said Miss Cornelia crisply. "So he shouldn"t complain if he doesn"t find Mammon very good company now."
Captain Jim went out, but remembered something in the yard and turned back for a moment.
"I"d a letter from Mr. Ford, Mistress Blythe, and he says the life-book is accepted and is going to be published next fall. I felt fair uplifted when I got the news. To think that I"m to see it in print at last."
"That man is clean crazy on the subject of his life-book," said Miss Cornelia compa.s.sionately. "For my part, I think there"s far too many books in the world now."
CHAPTER 29.
GILBERT AND ANNE DISAGREE.
Gilbert laid down the ponderous medical tome over which he had been poring until the increasing dusk of the March evening made him desist. He leaned back in his chair and gazed meditatively out of the window. It was early spring--probably the ugliest time of the year. Not even the sunset could redeem the dead, sodden landscape and rotten black harbor ice upon which he looked. No sign of life was visible, save a big black crow winging his solitary way across a leaden field. Gilbert speculated idly concerning that crow. Was he a family crow, with a black but comely crow wife awaiting him in the woods beyond the Glen? Or was he a glossy young buck of a crow on courting thoughts intent? Or was he a cynical bachelor crow, believing that he travels the fastest who travels alone? Whatever he was, he soon disappeared in congenial gloom and Gilbert turned to the cheerier view indoors.
The firelight flickered from point to point, gleaming on the white and green coats of Gog and Magog, on the sleek, brown head of the beautiful setter basking on the rug, on the picture frames on the walls, on the vaseful of daffodils from the window garden, on Anne herself, sitting by her little table, with her sewing beside her and her hands clasped over her knee while she traced out pictures in the fire--Castles in Spain whose airy turrets pierced moonlit cloud and sunset bar-ships sailing from the Haven of Good Hopes straight to Four Winds Harbor with precious burthen. For Anne was again a dreamer of dreams, albeit a grim shape of fear went with her night and day to shadow and darken her visions.
Gilbert was accustomed to refer to himself as "an old married man." But he still looked upon Anne with the incredulous eyes of a lover. He couldn"t wholly believe yet that she was really his. It MIGHT be only a dream after all, part and parcel of this magic house of dreams. His soul still went on tip-toe before her, lest the charm be shattered and the dream dispelled.
"Anne," he said slowly, "lend me your ears. I want to talk with you about something."
Anne looked across at him through the fire-lit gloom.
"What is it?" she asked gaily. "You look fearfully solemn, Gilbert. I really haven"t done anything naughty today. Ask Susan."
"It"s not of you--or ourselves--I want to talk. It"s about d.i.c.k Moore."
"d.i.c.k Moore?" echoed Anne, sitting up alertly. "Why, what in the world have you to say about d.i.c.k Moore?"
"I"ve been thinking a great deal about him lately. Do you remember that time last summer I treated him for those carbuncles on his neck?"
"Yes--yes."
" I took the opportunity to examine the scars on his head thoroughly. I"ve always thought d.i.c.k was a very interesting case from a medical point of view. Lately I"ve been studying the history of trephining and the cases where it has been employed. Anne, I have come to the conclusion that if d.i.c.k Moore were taken to a good hospital and the operation of trephining performed on several places in his skull, his memory and faculties might be restored."
"Gilbert!" Anne"s voice was full of protest. "Surely you don"t mean it!"
"I do, indeed. And I have decided that it is my duty to broach the subject to Leslie."
"Gilbert Blythe, you shall NOT do any such thing," cried Anne vehemently. "Oh, Gilbert, you won"t--you won"t. You couldn"t be so cruel. Promise me you won"t."
"Why, Anne-girl, I didn"t suppose you would take it like this. Be reasonable--"
"I won"t be reasonable--I can"t be reasonable--I AM reasonable. It is you who are unreasonable. Gilbert, have you ever once thought what it would mean for Leslie if d.i.c.k Moore were to be restored to his right senses? Just stop and think! She"s unhappy enough now; but life as d.i.c.k"s nurse and attendant is a thousand times easier for her than life as d.i.c.k"s wife. I know--I KNOW! It"s unthinkable. Don"t you meddle with the matter. Leave well enough alone."
"I HAVE thought over that aspect of the case thoroughly, Anne. But I believe that a doctor is bound to set the sanct.i.ty of a patient"s mind and body above all other considerations, no matter what the consequences may be. I believe it his duty to endeavor to restore health and sanity, if there is any hope whatever of it."
"But d.i.c.k isn"t your patient in that respect," cried Anne, taking another tack. "If Leslie had asked you if anything could be done for him, THEN it might be your duty to tell her what you really thought. But you"ve no right to meddle ."
"I don"t call it meddling. Uncle Dave told Leslie twelve years ago that nothing could be done for d.i.c.k. She believes that, of course."