Daniel looked away, feeling something hot behind his eyes.
"I"d better hit the sack," said his father. The phone was ringing in the kitchen. When Daniel spoke again he did it very, very slowly, not taking any chances the Craziness would come back.
"You look pretty tired," he said. So far, so good. He took a step toward the kitchen. "Good night."
"...night," whispered his father, turning on the stairs and slowly making his way up. Daniel vanished into the kitchen as quickly as he could, grateful that he"d been spared the sight of his father stumbling away. He answered the phone. It was Laura.
"Hey, s.e.xy," she said. "You get the tickets?"
"Yeah, no problem."
"Good seats?"
"Tenth row, main floor."
"That"s great! Main floor!" Daniel found the sound of her enthusiasm unnerving. Gayle had been excited, too. "Jim and Theresa"ll flip!"
"I hope not," said Daniel. "Jim"s d-d-driving." He bit into his lip and cursed under his breath. On the other end he heard Laura take a small breath.
"Danny? Is everything all right?" He took several deep breaths again, trying to calm himself. It did no good to let it get the best of you, that"s what the Craziness fed on. He swallowed, released his breath slowly, and spoke again.
"Everything"s fine. Really. I"rn just a little ... nervous."
"Don"t be," said Laura. "We"ll stay together, everything"ll be fine."
"Listen, Laura, I really gotta tell you, it"s been ... I *m not real sure that I"m up for this."
"You are, you know it."
"It"s just that ... Dad"s not looking real good anda""
"He never does," said Laura. That caught Daniel off-guard. He and Laura had been dating for over a year now, and in all that time she"d never once made any remark about his father; she"d listened to him about Gayle, about his mom and dad, but never once had shea"
"What"s that supposed to m-mean?" He bit his tongue.
"It means you have to stop blaming yourself, Danny. There"s nothing you can do for him, and the sooner you let go of that, the better you"ll feel."
"What about him, huh? What about the way he feels?"
"Don"t start in on me, Danny. I know how much you care about him, but I"m worried about you. Can we drop this now and just think about getting out and having a good time? You deserve to have a good time, Danny. It doesn"t mean that...that you"re a bad person or anything."
"Sorry. I don"t know...maybe you"re right." He heard her silence see the smile of relief on her face.
"Good," she said. "We"ll pick you up at six." He thought he heard his father laughing. Maybe it was laughing.
"See you then," he said.
"Danny?"
"What?"
"You"re okay. Everything"s okay. It wasn"t your fault." He smiled, said good-bye, hung up. She was right, she was always right, he just had to relax, had to think about what he had now, not what he"d lost, he just had toa"
He caught sight of Gayle"s picture on the hall table. Second grade, dress, black shoes, those chubby cheeks, her stupid-cute grin. The burning behind his eyes worsened.
"G.o.ddammit," he whispered.
He hurried up to his room, where he closed the door and sat on his bed, cursing his trembling arms.
From across the hall he could hear his father talking, heard his mother"s name mentioned once or twice.
He rubbed the back of his neck, feeling the chill left behind from the neighbors" stares.
He removed his shoe and looked at the remains of the insect he"d crushed.
He looked across his room at the small statuette of Perseus brandishing Medusa"s head.
"Why don"t you really exist?" he whispered to it. "Why couldn"t you have been there, huh? Tell me that, Purse. Why couldn"t you have swept down on ole Pegasus and pulled her out of it? Once they opened the doors she never had a chance. I just couldn"t...keep h-h-hold..." He looked away from the statue and down at his hands.
They were still shaking.
He heard his father drop something and curse.
He remembered Mrs.Williamson"s scream and wondereda"as he always did whenever the memory a.s.saulted hima"if Gayle Ann had called his name in those last, horrible moments, believing that Big Bestest Brother would swoop down and save her.
But the crowd had been too big, had waited for too long in weather that was too colda"
a"and Gayle Ann should"ve let him pick her up and hold her like he wanted, but she said no because it made her feel like a babya"
a"and he should"ve been paying more attention to her when the crowd started to pusha"
a"and that crowd should"ve been full of human beings instead of monsters.
He gripped the bridge of his nose between his thumb and middle finger.
The thoughts didn"t change anything. He was still responsible for his sister"s death, as surely as Agamemnon was responsible for the death of his daughter.
A sacrifice of sorts.
Daniel smiled bitterly to himself then, realizing that he"d linked the story of Agamemnon to Gayle"s death so he"d remember it for the test.
What G.o.ds did your death appease, my sister? What victory was secured?
He heard his father drop and shatter the beer bottle, then call out and ask Gayle if she"d mind cleaning it up so mom wouldn"t have to, he was sorry he was so clumsy...
Daniel stood at the window and saw another insect crawling on the gla.s.s inside.
He felt the house crowding in on him as the bug reached out with its feelers.
He didn"t try to speak as he reached out, shoe in hand, and squashed the thing.
AT TWENTY MINUTES until six he sat down on the steps of his front porch to wait for Laura, Jim, and Theresa. He"d left his father a note saying that they were going to the movies and then for pizza.
He didn"t want Dad to worry.
He looked up and saw a few neighbors peek out at him through their windows.
Maybe it was just a trick of the orange-red sunlight, but all their eyes seemed to be as bloodshot as his father"s. Tiny, fiery orbs with a slight pinp.r.i.c.k of black in the middle.
He shook his head and looked down at his hands. They were no longer shaking.
A SOFT Sc.r.a.pING sound came to him then...no, wait, not sc.r.a.ping, more like a crackling noise, a small, dried twig, maybe, brushing against wood.
Behind him.
As he turned the image of little Julie crawling came to his minda"
a"and left when he saw the insects.
Ten, maybe fifteen of them, all crawling around the remains of the one he"d crushed before coming in. They piled on top of one another like children building a human pyramid, all the time scattering the mashed remains Daniel had left for them.
One insect fell from the black group and started to scuttle in his direction, its feelers extended, mandibles clacking.
Daniel scooted down one step.
Another insect followed. Then another. Another.
Daniel got up and walked away from the porch.
Soon all of the bugs were crawling toward the steps where he"d been sitting. As he stared at them Daniel wondered if they, too, had little bits stuck to the bottoms of their...
Their what? Their feet? Bugs don"t have feeta"
a"DO THEY?
He took another step back just a car pulled up and Laura called his name.
LAURA HELD HIS hand all the way to the concert, her head resting on his shoulder, her voice telling him that they were going to have fun, not to worry, things would be all right, she really loved him...
He replied to her, but couldn"t really hear himself.
When he spoke he did it very slowly, and was pleased that he didn"t hear himself stutter.
Once he looked at the reflection of Jim and Theresa"s eyes in the rear-view mirror, noting that the sun made their eyes blood red and pinp.r.i.c.k black, also.
He felt awkwardly aware of the insect remains on the bottom of his shoe, but didn"t say anything about it to Laura. She might think the Craziness was trying to come back. And he didn"t want that.
He closed his eyes once, saw something small crawling into his path, and opened them at once.
"You okay?" said Laura, her breath warm against his cheek.
"I think...yeah. Great. We"re gonna have...fun, right?"
She leaned close and kissed him. "Right. Now stop being such a wet sponge."
He laughed. Wet sponge. That was a good one.
Jim pulled into the arena parking lot and drove around until they found a spot; from the looks of it they were a good football field away from the entrance doors, but even here Daniel could see the edge of the crowd.
It was too d.a.m.ned big.
He closed his eyes and took a long, deep breath, hoping that Laura wouldn"t ask him what was wrong.
She didn"t, and he loved her for that.
"All-f.u.c.kin"-right!" shouted Jim. "We have arrived!" Daniel didn"t know either Jim or Theresa very well, and didn"t particularly want to; they were a ride to the concert, and that"s all he"d wanted for him and Laura. He looked once more at their eyesa"which hadn"t changeda"then toward the milling crowd...
...did you remember to give Gayle her gloves? You know how she hates it when her hands get cold and it"s supposed to be cold tonight...
...make sure you call us after it"s over, Danny, you know how your mother worries about you kids...
...ohG.o.ddadididntmeanforittohappen...
...pull out drawer seven, will you, Charlie?
He felt his mouth start to go dry.
They climbed out of the car, locked it, and went to grab a place in the crowd. It didn"t take long for the sun to finish setting, leaving them in darkness except for the glow of the arena lights, lights that cast a cryptic sheen over everything, but didn"t change the fact that everyone"s eyes were red and black, red and black, it just must have been a trick of the light, that had to be it, just a trick of the lights over the thousands of bodies and faces, faces in front of them, behind them, next to them, edging them forward into the immovable ma.s.s of bodies before them, beside them, a few angry shouts but nothing serious, impatient, drunken, stoned shouts, the shuffling of too many feet, the brush of too many shoulders, the clattering of too many emptied beer bottles, the smell of too many joints being pa.s.sed around...
...Daniel looked around him as he squeezed Laura"s hand tighter, trying not to give in to panic, a panic he felt pushing its way up from his b.a.l.l.s into his throat, but there was at least the feel of Laura"s hand, a good feeling, a safe feeling, even here, even now...pushing against them, someone was pushing against them from behind...he turned to get a look, maybe say something to them, tell them not to be so impatient, everybody paid their money and they were going to get in ...but only more faces, more bodies, more redpinp.r.i.c.kblack eyes that glanced around, behind, ahead, all of them meeting his own at one point, never staying for long, and he thought for a second...a fraction of a second, that he saw a small, fragile figure making its way through the crowd, trying to get somewhere in particular, trying to get to someone in particular, but in a blink and a noisy shifting of the crowd it was gone, lost in the swirling ma.s.s of voices, eyes, and flesh...
...he took some deep breaths and looked down at his feet, trying to stay calm, they hadn"t been here all that long, there was no reason for him to feel so panicky, so why did he...his shoe, there was something wrong with his shoe...he bent over just a little and glared down, watching as a shadow of some kind shifted under his feet...no, not a shadow, it was a...a...a lega"no, not a leg, just part of a bug that he"d sc.r.a.ped off, only...wait...only it seemed to be moving, seemed to be trying to pull itself out from under his weight,a small, twig-like hairy leg squirming from under his shoe...he froze as he stared, thinking for a moment that he could hear the clatter of its hard-sh.e.l.l body, could see its mandibles starting to jut out from under...
...Laura leaned in and kissed him on the cheek, whispering something about later on tonight, after the concert, Mom and Dad weren"t home and she was all alone did he wanna come over, soft promises of flesh and tongues and bodies...bodies pressing, bodies sweating, groaning, pumping steadily...he looked at her and smiled, kissed her, but felt nothing, only the sour liquid in his stomach churning around, churning and bubbling as the crowd shifted once again, and Daniel looked, feeling the sourness spread into his mouth, drying his saliva, gluing his tongue down, unable to speak now, almost unable to breath, but then Laura kissed him again with her wet and wonderful tongue and he was all right, moist again, able to swallow, then he looked around and noticed that Jim and Theresa were nowhere to be seen...
...the figure again, he saw the figure again, so tiny, so frightened, and he almost moved to reach for it, but then Laura grabbed his arm and said, "You"re not going anywhere without me, not in this crowd," so he pulled her along beside him, positive he"d seen...seen someone wandering around the crowd, a frightened gleam in their gaze, maybe tears streaming down their chubby cheeks, but no one else saw because she was so small for her age, no one heard because her voice was too weak and they were too busy trying to push other people out of the way, trying to get as close to the doors as possible, that"s all that counted, getting ahead so you could get inside, get a good seat, toke it up, party down, drink and chug and rock Big Time...
..."Christ, slow down, will you," said Laura, demanding that he give her a break, just wait a minute...Daniel slowed and stood still, his eyes darting around the crowd...Laura moved closer to him, putting her arms around his waist...he took another deep breath and put a protective arm around her shoulder and said, "Are you all right?" and she said, "I"m fine, how about you, lover?" and he laughed, laughed and held her close because she"d never called him "lover" before and he liked it, liked it very much as he stretched his arms out to relax them and went to step closer to Laura...
...someone pushed from behind and he lost his balance, fell forward, rammed his foot out to try and break his fall but in the second before his foot connected with the pavement a child crawled out in front of him, a small child, a baby crawling, and he tried to cry out but someone else pushed him forward from behind and he felt his foot connect with the fragile skull, felt the baby"s head pop like a melon below his foot, and his stomach heaved then but nothing came up as he looked down and saw the feelers worming around, saw the baby"s arms flailing out as it kicked and wriggled in its death spasms, so he pulled back and lifted his foot, not wanting to see what he"d done but having to look...
...mandibles...the baby had mandibles and feelers and its legs were no longer the chubby flesh folds of a baby but thin, hairy twigs that skittered out and brushed against the legs of his pants, but before he could say anything a woman broke through, picked up her mandibled child, and vanished into the crowd...