"Well, we guess where we are, and then give her so many turns of the wheel." The officer laughed, and Mavering laughed too. He was struck by the hollow note in his laugh; it seemed to him pathetic; he wondered if he should now always laugh so, and if people would remark it. He tried another laugh; it sounded mechanical.
He went to bed, and was so worn out that he fell asleep and began to dream. A face came up out of the sea, and brooded over the waters, as in that picture of Vedder"s which he calls "Memory," but the hair was not blond; it was the colour of those phosph.o.r.escent flames, and the eyes were like it. "Horrible! horrible!" he tried to shriek, but he cried, "Alice, I love you." There was a burglar in the room, and he was running after Miss Pasmer. Mavering caught him, and tried to beat him; his fists fell like bolls of cotton; the burglar drew his breath in with a long, washing sound like water.
Mavering woke deathly sick, and heard the sweep of the waves. The boat was pitching frightfully. He struggled out into the saloon, and saw that it was five o"clock. In five hours more it would be a day since he told Alice that he loved her; it now seemed very improbable. There were a good many half-dressed people in the saloon, and a woman came running out of her state-room straight to Mavering. She was in her stocking feet, and her hair hung down her back.
"Oh! are we going down?" she implored him. "Have we struck? Oughtn"t we to pray--somebody? Shall I wake the children?"
"Mavering rea.s.sured her, and told her there was no danger.
"Well, then," she said, "I"ll go back for my shoes."
"Yes, better get your shoes."
The saloon rose round him and sank. He controlled his sickness by planting a chair in the centre and sitting in it with his eyes shut. As he grew more comfortable he reflected how he had calmed that woman, and he resolved again to spend his life in doing good. "Yes, that"s the only ticket," he said to himself, with involuntary frivolity. He thought of what the officer had said, and he helplessly added, "Circus ticket--reserved seat." Then he began again, and loaded himself with execration.
The boat got into Portland at nine o"clock, and Mavering left her, taking his hand-bag with him, and letting his trunk go on to Boston.
The officer who received his ticket at the gangplank noticed the destination on it, and said, "Got enough?"
"Yes, for one while." Mavering recognised his acquaintance of the night before.
"Don"t like picnics very much."
"No," said Mavering, with abysmal gloom. "They don"t agree with me.
Never did." He was aware of trying to make his laugh bitter. The officer did not notice.
Mavering was surprised, after the chill of the storm at sea, to find it rather a warm, close morning in Portland. The restaurant to which the hackman took him as the best in town was full of flies; they bit him awake out of the dreary reveries he fell into while waiting for his breakfast. In a mirror opposite he saw his face. It did not look haggard; it looked very much as it always did. He fancied playing a part through life--hiding a broken heart under a smile. "O you incorrigible a.s.s!" he said to himself, and was afraid he had said it to the young lady who brought him his breakfast, and looked haughtily at him from under her bang. She was very thin, and wore a black jersey.
He tried to find out whether he had spoken aloud by addressing her pleasantly. "It"s pretty cold this morning."
"What say?"
"Pretty cool."
"Oh yes. But it"s pretty clo-ose," she replied, in her Yankee cantillation. She went away and left him to the bacon and eggs he had ordered at random. There was a fly under one of the slices of bacon, and Mavering confined himself to the coffee.
A man came up in a white cap and jacket from a bas.e.m.e.nt in the front of the restaurant, where confectionery was sold, and threw down a ma.s.s of malleable candy on a marble slab, and began to work it. Mavering watched him, thinking fuzzily all the time of Alice, and holding long, fatiguing dialogues with the people at the Ty"n-y-Coed, whose several voices he heard.
He said to himself that it was worse than yesterday. He wondered if it would go on getting worse every day.
He saw a man pa.s.s the door of the restaurant who looked exactly like Boardman as he glanced in. The resemblance was explained by the man"s coming back, and proving to be really Boardman.
XXII.
Mavering sprang at him with a demand for the reason of his being there.
"I thought it was you as I pa.s.sed," said Boardman, "but I couldn"t make sure--so dark back here."
"And I thought it was you, but I couldn"t believe it," said Mavering, with equal force, cutting short an interior conversation with Mr.
Pasmer, which had begun to hold itself since his first glimpse of Boardman.
"I came down here to do a sort of one-horse yacht race to-day," Boardman explained.
"Going to be a yacht race? Better have some breakfast. Or better not--here. Flies under your bacon."
"Rough on the flies," said Boardman, snapping the bell which summoned the spectre in the black jersey, and he sat down. "What are you doing in Portland?"
Mavering told him, and then Boardman asked him how he had left the Pasmers. Mavering needed no other hint to speak, and he spoke fully, while Boardman listened with an agreeable silence, letting the hero of the tale break into self-scornful groans and doleful laughs, and ease his heart with grotesque, inarticulate noises, and made little or no comments.
By the time his breakfast came, Boardman was ready to say, "I didn"t suppose it was so much of a mash."
"I didn"t either," said Mavering, "when I left Boston. Of course I knew I was going down there to see her, but when I got there it kept going on, just like anything else, up to the last moment. I didn"t realise till it came to the worst that I had become a mere pulp."
"Well, you won"t stay so," said Boardman, making the first vain attempt at consolation. He lifted the steak he had ordered, and peered beneath it. "All right this time, any way."
"I don"t know what you mean by staying so," replied Mavering, with gloomy rejection of the comfort offered.
"You"ll see that it"s all for the best; that you"re well out of it. If she could throw you over, after leading you on--"
"But she didn"t lead me on!" exclaimed Mavering. "Don"t you understand that it was all my mistake from the first? If I hadn"t been perfectly besotted I should have seen that she was only tolerating me. Don"t you see? Why, hang it, Boardman, I must have had a kind of consciousness of it under my thick-skinned conceit, after all, for when I came to the point--when I did come to the point--I hadn"t the sand to stick to it like a man, and I tried to get her to help me. Yes, I can see that I did now. I kept fooling about, and fooling about, and it was because I had that sort of prescience--of whatever you call it--that I was mistaken about it from the very beginning."
He wished to tell Boardman about the events of the night before; but he could not. He said to himself that he did not care about their being hardly to his credit; but he did not choose to let Alice seem to have resented anything in them; it belittled her, and claimed too much for him. So Boardman had to proceed upon a partial knowledge of the facts.
"I don"t suppose that boomerang way of yours, if that"s what you mean, was of much use," he said.
"Use? It ruined me! But what are you going to do? How are you going to presuppose that a girl like Miss Pasmer is interested in an idiot like you? I mean me, of course." Mavering broke off with a dolorous laugh.
"And if you can"t presuppose it, what are you going to do when it comes to the point? You"ve got to shillyshally, and then you"ve got to go it blind. I tell you it"s a leap in the dark."
"Well, then, if you"ve got yourself to blame--"
"How am I to blame, I should like to know?" retorted Mavering, rejecting the first offer from another of the censure which he had been heaping upon himself: the irritation of his nerves spoke. "I did speak out at last--when it was too late. Well, let it all go," he groaned aimlessly.
"I don"t care. But she isn"t to blame. I don"t think I could admire anybody very much who admired me. No, sir. She did just right. I was a fool, and she couldn"t have treated me differently."
"Oh, I guess it"ll come out all right," said Boardman, abandoning himself to mere optimism.
"How come all right?" demanded Mavering, flattered by the hope he refused. "It"s come right now. I"ve got my deserts; that"s all."
"Oh no, you haven"t. What harm have you done? It"s all right for you to think small beer of yourself, and I don"t see how you could think anything else just at present. But you wait awhile. When did it happen?"
Mavering took out his watch. "One day, one hour, twenty minutes, and fifteen seconds ago."
"Sure about the seconds? I suppose you didn"t hang round a great while afterward?"
"Well, people don"t, generally," said Mavering, with scorn.