There was little I could argue about with Ned. Except maybe his college-professor vocabulary. So I switched the attack.
"But a robot can"t take the place of a cop, it"s a complex human job."
"Of course it is, but taking a human policeman"s place is not the function of a police robot. Primarily I combine the functions of numerous pieces of police equipment, integrating their operations and making them instantly available. In addition I can aid in the _mechanical_ processes of law enforcement. If you arrest a man you handcuff him. But if you order me to do it, I have made no moral decision. I am just a machine for attaching handcuffs at that point ..."
My raised hand cut off the flow of robotic argument. Ned was hipped to his ears with facts and figures and I had a good idea who would come off second best in any continued discussion. No laws had been broken when Ned made the pinch, that was for sure. But there are other laws than those that appear on the books.
"China Joe is not going to like this, not at all," the Chief said, speaking my own thoughts.
The law of Tooth and Claw. That"s one that wasn"t in the law books. And that was what ran Nineport. The place was just big enough to have a good population of gambling joints, bawdy houses and drunk-rollers. They were all run by China Joe. As was the police department. We were all in his pocket and you might say he was the one who paid our wages. This is not the kind of thing, though, that you explain to a robot.
"Yeah, China Joe."
I thought it was an echo at first, then realized that someone had eased in the door behind me. Something called Alex. Six feet of bone, muscle and trouble. China Joe"s right hand man. He imitated a smile at the Chief who sank a bit lower in his chair.
"China Joe wants you should tell him why you got smart cops going around and putting the arm on people and letting them shoot up good liquor.
He"s mostly angry about the hooch. He says that he had enough guff and after this you should--"
"I am putting you under Robot Arrest, pursuant to article 46, paragraph 19 of the revised statutes ..."
Ned had done it before we realized he had even moved. Right in front of our eyes he was arresting Alex and signing our death warrants.
Alex was not slow. As he turned to see who had grabbed him, he had already dragged out this cannon. He got one shot in, square against Ned"s chest, before the robot plucked the gun away and slipped on the cuffs. While we all gaped like dead fish, Ned recited the charge in what I swear was a satisfied tone.
"The prisoner is Peter Rakjomskj, alias Alex the Axe, wanted in Ca.n.a.l City for armed robbery and attempted murder. Also wanted by local police of Detroit, New York and Manchester on charges of ..."
"_Get it off me!_" Alex howled. We might have too, and everything might have still been straightened out if Benny Bug hadn"t heard the shot. He popped his head in the front door just long enough to roll his eyes over our little scene.
"Alex ... they"re puttin" the arm on Alex!"
Then he was gone and when I hit the door he was nowhere in sight. China Joe"s boys always went around in pairs. And in ten minutes he would know all about it.
"Book him," I told Ned. "It wouldn"t make any difference if we let him go now. The world has already come to an end."
Fats came in then, mumbling to himself. He jerked a thumb over his shoulder when he saw me.
"What"s up? I see little Benny Bug come out of here like the place was on fire and almost get killed driving away?"
Then Fats saw Alex with the bracelets on and turned sober in one second.
He just took a moment to gape, then his mind was made up. Without a trace of a stagger he walked over to the Chief and threw his badge on the desk in front of him.
"I am an old man and I drink too much to be a cop. Therefore I am resigning from the force. Because if that is whom I think it is over there with the cuffs on, I will not live to be a day older as long as I am around here."
"Rat." The Chief growled in pain through his clenched teeth. "Deserting the sinking ship. Rat."
"Squeak," Fats said and left.
The Chief was beyond caring at this point. He didn"t blink an eye when I took Fats" badge off the desk. I don"t know why I did it, perhaps I thought it was only fair. Ned had started all the trouble and I was just angry enough to want him on the spot when it was finished. There were two rings on his chest plate, and I was not surprised when the badge pin fitted them neatly.
"There, now you are a real cop." Sarcasm dripped from the words. I should have realized that robots are immune to sarcasm. Ned took my statement at face value.
"This is a very great honor, not only for me but for all robots. I will do my best to fulfill all the obligations of the office." Jack Armstrong in tin underwear. I could hear the little motors in his guts humming with joy as he booked Alex.
If everything else hadn"t been so bad I would have enjoyed that. Ned had more police equipment built into him than Nineport had ever owned. There was an ink pad that snapped out of one hip, and he efficiently rolled Alex"s fingertips across it and stamped them on a card. Then he held the prisoner at arm"s length while something clicked in his abdomen. Once more sideways and two instant photographs dropped out of a slot. The mug shots were stuck on the card, arrest details and such inserted. There was more like this, but I forced myself away. There were more important things to think about.
Like staying alive.
"Any ideas, Chief?"
A groan was my only answer so I let it go at that. Billy, the balance of the police force, came in then. I gave him a quick rundown. Either through stupidity or guts he elected to stay, and I was proud of the boy. Ned locked away the latest prisoner and began sweeping up.
That was the way we were when China Joe walked in.
Even though we were expecting it, it was still a shock. He had a bunch of his toughest hoods with him and they crowded through the door like an overweight baseball team. China Joe was in front, hands buried in the sleeves of his long mandarin gown. No expression at all on his ascetic features. He didn"t waste time talking to us, just gave the word to his own boys.
"Clean this place up. The new police Chief will be here in a while and I don"t want him to see any b.u.ms hanging around."
It made me angry. Even with the graft I like to feel I"m still a cop.
Not on a cheap punk"s payroll. I was also curious about China Joe. Had been ever since I tried to get a line on him and never found a thing. I still wanted to know.
"Ned, take a good look at that Chinese guy in the rayon bathrobe and let me know who he is."
My, but those electronic circuits work fast. Ned shot the answer back like a straight man who had been rehearsing his lines for weeks.
"He is a pseudo-oriental, utilizing a natural sallowness of the skin heightened with dye. He is not Chinese. There has also been an operation on his eyes, scars of which are still visible. This has been undoubtedly done in an attempt to conceal his real ident.i.ty, but Bertillon measurements of his ears and other features make ident.i.ty positive. He is on the Very Wanted list of Interpol and his real name is ..."
China Joe was angry, and with a reason.
"That"s the _thing_ ... that big-mouthed tin radio set over there. We heard about it and we"re taking care of it!"
The mob jumped aside then or hit the deck and I saw there was a guy kneeling in the door with a rocket launcher. Shaped anti-tank charges, no doubt. That was my last thought as the thing let go with a "whoosh."
Maybe you can hit a tank with one of those. But not a robot. At least not a police robot. Ned was sliding across the floor on his face when the back wall blew up. There was no second shot. Ned closed his hand on the tube of the bazooka and it was so much old drainpipe.
Billy decided then that anyone who fired a rocket in a police station was breaking the law, so he moved in with his club. I was right behind him since I did not want to miss any of the fun. Ned was at the bottom somewhere, but I didn"t doubt he could take care of himself.
There were a couple of m.u.f.fled shots and someone screamed. No one fired after that because we were too tangled up. A punk named Brooklyn Eddie hit me on the side of the head with his gunb.u.t.t and I broke his nose all over his face with my fist.
There is a kind of a fog over everything after that. But I do remember it was very busy for a while.
When the fog lifted a bit I realized I was the only one still standing.
Or leaning rather. It was a good thing the wall was there.
Ned came in through the street door carrying a very bashed-looking Brooklyn Eddie. I hoped I had done all that. Eddie"s wrists were fastened together with cuffs. Ned laid him gently next to the heap of thugs--who I suddenly realized all wore the same kind of handcuffs. I wondered vaguely if Ned made them as he needed them or had a supply tucked away in a hollow leg or something.
There was a chair a few feet away and sitting down helped.