If you will follow my advice about dressing, and use one or two of my applications privately, I guarantee to put you back three years more.
I will forfeit all the money I shall have to advance for you in this matter, if, when I have ground you young again in my wonderful mill, you look more than seven-and-twenty in any man"s eyes living--except, of course, when you wake anxious in the small hours of the morning; and then, my dear, you will be old and ugly in the retirement of your own room, and it won"t matter.
""But," you may say, "supposing all this, here I am, even with your art to help me, looking a good six years older than he is; and that is against me at starting." Is it? Just think again. Surely, your own experience must have shown you that the commonest of all common weaknesses, in young fellows of this Armadale"s age, is to fall in love with women older than themselves. Who are the men who really appreciate us in the bloom of our youth (I"m sure I have cause to speak well of the bloom of youth; I made fifty guineas to-day by putting it on the spotted shoulders of a woman old enough to be your mother)--who are the men, I say, who are ready to worship us when we are mere babies of seventeen?
The gay young gentlemen in the bloom of their own youth? No! The cunning old wretches who are on the wrong side of forty.
"And what is the moral of this, as the story-books say?
"The moral is that the chances, with such a head as you have got on your shoulders, are all in your favor. If you feel your present forlorn position, as I believe you do; if you know what a charming woman (in the men"s eyes) you can still be when you please; and if all your resolution has really come back, after that shocking outbreak of desperation on board the steamer (natural enough, I own, under the dreadful provocation laid on you), you will want no further persuasion from me to try this experiment. Only to think of how things turn out! If the other young b.o.o.by had not jumped into the river after you, _this_ young b.o.o.by would never have had the estate. It really looks as if fate had determined that you were to be Mrs. Armadale, of Thorpe Ambrose; and who can control his fate, as the poet says?
"Send me one line to say Yes or No; and believe me your attached old friend,
"MARIA OLDERSHAW."
3. _From Miss Gwilt to Mrs. Oldershaw_.
Richmond, Thursday.
"YOU OLD WRETCH--I won"t say Yes or No till I have had a long, long look at my gla.s.s first. If you had any real regard for anybody but your wicked old self, you would know that the bare idea of marrying again (after what I have gone through) is an idea that makes my flesh creep.
"But there can be no harm in your sending me a little more information while I am making up my mind. You have got twenty pounds of mine still left out of those things you sold for me; send ten pounds here for my expenses, in a post-office order, and use the other ten for making private inquiries at Thorpe Ambrose. I want to know when the two Blanchard women go away, and when young Armadale stirs up the dead ashes in the family fire-place. Are you quite sure he will turn out as easy to manage as you think? If he takes after his hypocrite of a mother, I can tell you this: Judas Iscariot has come to life again.
"I am very comfortable in this lodging. There are lovely flowers in the garden, and the birds wake me in the morning delightfully. I have hired a reasonably good piano. The only man I care two straws about--don"t be alarmed; he was laid in his grave many a long year ago, under the name of BEETHOVEN--keeps me company, in my lonely hours. The landlady would keep me company, too, if I would only let her. I hate women. The new curate paid a visit to the other lodger yesterday, and pa.s.sed me on the lawn as he came out. My eyes have lost nothing yet, at any rate, though I _am_ five-and-thirty; the poor man actually blushed when I looked at him! What sort of color do you think he would have turned, if one of the little birds in the garden had whispered in his ear, and told him the true story of the charming Miss Gwilt?
"Good-by, Mother Oldershaw. I rather doubt whether I am yours, or anybody"s, affectionately; but we all tell lies at the bottoms of our letters, don"t we? If you are my attached old friend, I must, of course, be yours affectionately.
"LYDIA GWILT.
"P.S.--Keep your odious powders and paints and washes for the spotted shoulders of your customers; not one of them shall touch my skin, I promise you. If you really want to be useful, try and find out some quieting draught to keep me from grinding my teeth in my sleep. I shall break them one of these nights; and then what will become of my beauty, I wonder?"
4. _From Mrs. Oldershaw to Miss Gwilt_.
"Ladies" Toilet Repository, Tuesday.
"MY DEAR LYDIA--It is a thousand pities your letter was not addressed to Mr. Armadale; your graceful audacity would have charmed him. It doesn"t affect me; I am so well used to audacity in my way of life, you know. Why waste your sparkling wit, my love, on your own impenetrable Oldershaw? It only splutters and goes out. Will you try and be serious this next time? I have news for you from Thorpe Ambrose, which is beyond a joke, and which must not be trifled with.
"An hour after I got your letter I set the inquiries on foot. Not knowing what consequences they might lead to, I thought it safest to begin in the dark. Instead of employing any of the people whom I have at my own disposal (who know you and know me), I went to the Private Inquiry Office in Shadyside Place, and put the matter in the inspector"s hands, in the character of a perfect stranger, and without mentioning you at all. This was not the cheapest way of going to work, I own; but it was the safest way, which is of much greater consequence.
"The inspector and I understood each other in ten minutes; and the right person for the purpose--the most harmless looking young man you ever saw in your life--was produced immediately. He left for Thorpe Ambrose an hour after I saw him. I arranged to call at the office on the afternoons of Sat.u.r.day, Monday, and to-day for news. There was no news till to-day; and there I found our confidential agent just returned to town, and waiting to favor me with a full account of his trip to Norfolk.
"First of all, let me quiet your mind about those two questions of yours; I have got answers to both the one and the other. The Blanchard women go away to foreign parts on the thirteenth, and young Armadale is at this moment cruising somewhere at sea in his yacht. There is talk at Thorpe Ambrose of giving him a public reception, and of calling a meeting of the local grandees to settle it all. The speechifying and fuss on these occasions generally wastes plenty of time, and the public reception is not thought likely to meet the new squire much before the end of the month.
"If our messenger had done no more for us than this, I think he would have earned his money. But the harmless young man is a regular Jesuit at a private inquiry, with this great advantage over all the Popish priests I have ever seen, that he has not got his slyness written in his face.
"Having to get his information through the female servants in the usual way, he addressed himself, with admirable discretion, to the ugliest woman in the house. "When they are nice-looking, and can pick and choose," as he neatly expressed it to me, "they waste a great deal of valuable time in deciding on a sweetheart. When they are ugly, and haven"t got the ghost of a chance of choosing, they snap at a sweetheart, if he comes their way, like a starved dog at a bone." Acting on these excellent principles, our confidential agent succeeded, after certain unavoidable delays, in addressing himself to the upper housemaid at Thorpe Ambrose, and took full possession of her confidence at the first interview. Bearing his instructions carefully in mind, he encouraged the woman to chatter, and was favored, of course, with all the gossip of the servants" hall. The greater part of it (as repeated to me) was of no earthly importance. But I listened patiently, and was rewarded by a valuable discovery at last. Here it is.
"It seems there is an ornamental cottage in the grounds at Thorpe Ambrose. For some reason unknown, young Armadale has chosen to let it, and a tenant has come in already. He is a poor half-pay major in the army, named Milroy, a meek sort of man, by all accounts, with a turn for occupying himself in mechanical pursuits, and with a domestic inc.u.mbrance in the shape of a bedridden wife, who has not been seen by anybody. Well, and what of all this? you will ask, with that sparkling impatience which becomes you so well. My dear Lydia, don"t sparkle! The man"s family affairs seriously concern us both, for, as ill luck will have it, the man has got a daughter!
"You may imagine how I questioned our agent, and how our agent ransacked his memory, when I stumbled, in due course, on such a discovery as this. If Heaven is responsible for women"s chattering tongues, Heaven be praised! From Miss Blanchard to Miss Blanchard"s maid; from Miss Blanchard"s maid to Miss Blanchard"s aunt"s maid; from Miss Blanchard"s aunt"s maid, to the ugly housemaid; from the ugly housemaid to the harmless-looking young man--so the stream of gossip trickled into the right reservoir at last, and thirsty Mother Oldershaw has drunk it all up.
"In plain English, my dear, this is how it stands. The major"s daughter is a minx just turned sixteen; lively and nice-looking (hateful little wretch!), dowdy in her dress (thank Heaven!) and deficient in her manners (thank Heaven again!). She has been brought up at home. The governess who last had charge of her left before her father moved to Thorpe Ambrose. Her education stands woefully in want of a finishing touch, and the major doesn"t quite know what to do next. None of his friends can recommend him a new governess and he doesn"t like the notion of sending the girl to school. So matters rest at present, on the major"s own showing; for so the major expressed himself at a morning call which the father and daughter paid to the ladies at the great house.
"You have now got my promised news, and you will have little difficulty, I think, in agreeing with me that the Armadale business must be settled at once, one way or the other. If, with your hopeless prospects, and with what I may call your family claim on this young fellow, you decide on giving him up, I shall have the pleasure of sending you the balance of your account with me (seven-and-twenty shillings), and shall then be free to devote myself entirely to my own proper business. If, on the contrary, you decide to try your luck at Thorpe Ambrose, then (there being no kind of doubt that the major"s minx will set her cap at the young squire) I should be glad to hear how you mean to meet the double difficulty of inflaming Mr. Armadale and extinguishing Miss Milroy.
"Affectionately yours,
"MARIA OLDERSHAW.
5. _From Miss Gwilt to Mrs. Oldershaw.
(First Answer.)_
"Richmond, Wednesday Morning.
"MRS. OLDERSHAW--Send me my seven-and-twenty shillings, and devote yourself to your own proper business. Yours, L. G."
6. _From Miss Gwilt to Mrs. Oldershaw.
(Second Answer.)_
"Richmond, Wednesday Night.
"DEAR OLD LOVE--Keep the seven-and-twenty shillings, and burn my other letter. I have changed my mind.
"I wrote the first time after a horrible night. I write this time after a ride on horseback, a tumbler of claret, and the breast of a chicken.
Is that explanation enough? Please say Yes, for I want to go back to my piano.
"No; I can"t go back yet; I must answer your question first. But are you really so very simple as to suppose that I don"t see straight through you and your letter? You know that the major"s difficulty is our opportunity as well as I do; but you want me to take the responsibility of making the first proposal, don"t you? Suppose I take it in your own roundabout way? Suppose I say, "Pray don"t ask me how I propose inflaming Mr. Armadale and extinguishing Miss Milroy; the question is so shockingly abrupt I really can"t answer it. Ask me, instead, if it is the modest ambition of my life to become Miss Milroy"s governess?" Yes, if you please, Mrs. Oldershaw, and if you will a.s.sist me by becoming my reference.
"There it is for you! If some serious disaster happens (which is quite possible), what a comfort it will be to remember that it was all my fault!
"Now I have done this for you, will you do something for me. I want to dream away the little time I am likely to have left here in my own way.
Be a merciful Mother Oldershaw, and spare me the worry of looking at the Ins and Outs, and adding up the chances For and Against, in this new venture of mine. Think for me, in short, until I am obliged to think for myself.
"I had better not write any more, or I shall say something savage that you won"t like. I am in one of my tempers to-night. I want a husband to vex, or a child to beat, or something of that sort. Do you ever like to see the summer insects kill themselves in the candle? I do, sometimes.
Good-night, Mrs. Jezebel. The longer you can leave me here the better.
The air agrees with me, and I am looking charmingly.
"L. G."
7. _From Mrs. Oldershaw to Miss Gwilt_.
"Thursday.
"MY DEAR LYDIA--Some persons in my situation might be a little offended at the tone of your last letter. But I am so fondly attached to you! And when I love a person, it is so very hard, my dear, for that person to offend me! Don"t ride quite so far, and only drink half a tumblerful of claret next time. I say no more.
"Shall we leave off our fencing-match and come to serious matters now?
How curiously hard it always seems to be for women to understand each other, especially when they have got their pens in their hands! But suppose we try.