He never even looked at me as he said the words. The very sound of his voice told me that all his interest was centered in the pen that he had just laid down. "I see you are occupied," I said; "I don"t wish it."
Before I had closed the door on him he was back at his desk. I have often heard that the wives of authors have been for the most part unhappy women. And now I know why.
"I suppose, as I said yesterday, I shall learn to bear it. (What _stuff_, by-the-by, I seem to have written yesterday! How ashamed I should be if anybody saw it but myself!) I hope the trumpery newspaper he writes for won"t succeed! I hope his rubbishing letter will be well cut up by some other newspaper as soon as it gets into print!
"What am I to do with myself all the morning? I can"t go out, it"s raining. If I open the piano, I shall disturb the industrious journalist who is scribbling in the next room. Oh, dear, it was lonely enough in my lodging in Thorpe Ambrose, but how much lonelier it is here! Shall I read? No; books don"t interest me; I hate the whole tribe of authors. I think I shall look back through these pages, and live my life over again when I was plotting and planning, and finding a new excitement to occupy me in every new hour of the day.
"He might have looked at me, though he _was_ so busy with his writing.--He might have said, "How nicely you are dressed this morning!"
He might have remembered--never mind what! All he remembers is the newspaper."
"Twelve o"clock.--I have been reading and thinking; and, thanks to my Diary, I have got through an hour.
"What a time it was--what a life it was, at Thorpe Ambrose! I wonder I kept my senses. It makes my heart beat, it makes my face flush, only to read about it now!
"The rain still falls, and the journalist still scribbles. I don"t want to think the thoughts of that past time over again. And yet, what else can I do?
"Supposing--I only say supposing--I felt now, as I felt when I traveled to London with Armadale; and when I saw my way to his life as plainly as I saw the man himself all through the journey...?
"I"ll go and look out of the window. I"ll go and count the people as they pa.s.s by.
"A funeral has gone by, with the penitents in their black hoods, and the wax torches sputtering in the wet, and the little bell ringing, and the priests droning their monotonous chant. A pleasant sight to meet me at the window! I shall go back to my Diary.
"Supposing I was not the altered woman I am--I only say, supposing--how would the Grand Risk that I once thought of running look now? I have married Midwinter in the name that is really his own. And by doing that I have taken the first of those three steps which were once to lead me, through Armadale"s life, to the fortune and the station of Armadale"s widow. No matter how innocent my intentions might have been on the wedding-day--and they _were_ innocent--this is one of the unalterable results of the marriage. Well, having taken the first step, then, whether I would or no, how--supposing I meant to take the second step, which I don"t--how would present circ.u.mstances stand toward me? Would they warn me to draw back, I wonder? or would they encourage me to go on?
"It will interest me to calculate the chances; and I can easily tear the leaf out, and destroy it, if the prospect looks too encouraging.
"We are living here (for economy"s sake) far away from the expensive English quarter, in a suburb of the city, on the Portici side. We have made no traveling acquaintances among our own country people. Our poverty is against us; Midwinter"s shyness is against us; and (with the women) my personal appearance is against us. The men from whom my husband gets his information for the newspaper meet him at the cafe, and never come here. I discourage his bringing any strangers to see me; for, though years have pa.s.sed since I was last at Naples, I cannot be sure that some of the many people I once knew in this place may not be living still. The moral of all this is (as the children"s storybooks say), that not a single witness has come to this house who could declare, if any after-inquiry took place in England, that Midwinter and I had been living here as man and wife. So much for present circ.u.mstances as they affect me.
"Armadale next. Has any unforeseen accident led him to communicate with Thorpe Ambrose? Has he broken the conditions which the major imposed on him, and a.s.serted himself in the character of Miss Milroy"s promised husband since I saw him last?
"Nothing of the sort has taken place. No unforeseen accident has altered his position--his tempting position--toward myself. I know all that has happened to him since he left England, through the letters which he writes to Midwinter, and which Midwinter shows to me.
"He has been wrecked, to begin with. His trumpery little yacht has actually tried to drown him, after all, and has failed! It happened (as Midwinter warned him it might happen with so small a vessel) in a sudden storm. They were blown ash.o.r.e on the coast of Portugal. The yacht went to pieces, but the lives, and papers, and so on, were saved. The men have been sent back to Bristol, with recommendations from their master which have already got them employment on board an outward-bound ship.
And the master himself is on his way here, after stopping first at Lisbon, and next at Gibraltar, and trying ineffectually in both places to supply himself with another vessel. His third attempt is to be made at Naples, where there is an English yacht "laid up," as they call it, to be had for sale or hire. He has had no occasion to write home since the wreck; for he took away from Coutts"s the whole of the large sum of money lodged there for him, in circular notes. And he has felt no inclination to go back to England himself; for, with Mr. Brock dead, Miss Milroy at school, and Midwinter here, he has not a living creature in whom he is interested to welcome him if he returned. To see us, and to see the new yacht, are the only two present objects he has in view.
Midwinter has been expecting him for a week past, and he may walk into this very room in which I am writing, at this very moment, for all I know to the contrary.
"Tempting circ.u.mstances, these--with all the wrongs I have suffered at his mother"s hands and at his, still alive in my memory; with Miss Milroy confidently waiting to take her place at the head of his household; with my dream of living happy and innocent in Midwinter"s love dispelled forever, and with nothing left in its place to help me against myself. I wish it wasn"t raining; I wish I could go out.
"Perhaps something may happen to prevent Armadale from coming to Naples?
When he last wrote, he was waiting at Gibraltar for an English steamer in the Mediterranean trade to bring him on here. He may get tired of waiting before the steamer comes, or he may hear of a yacht at some other place than this. A little bird whispers in my ear that it may possibly be the wisest thing he ever did in his life if he breaks his engagement to join us at Naples.
"Shall I tear out the leaf on which all these shocking things have been written? No. My Diary is so nicely bound--it would be positive barbarity to tear out a leaf. Let me occupy myself harmlessly with something else.
What shall it be? My dressing-case--I will put my dressing-case tidy, and polish up the few little things in it which my misfortunes have still left in my possession.
"I have shut up the dressing-case again. The first thing I found in it was Armadale"s shabby present to me on my marriage--the rubbishing little ruby ring. That irritated me, to begin with. The second thing that turned up was my bottle of Drops. I caught myself measuring the doses with my eye, and calculating how many of them would be enough to take a living creature over the border-land between sleep and death. Why I should have locked the dressing-case in a fright, before I had quite completed my calculation, I don"t know; but I did lock it. And here I am back again at my Diary, with nothing, absolutely nothing, to write about. Oh, the weary day! the weary day! Will nothing happen to excite me a little in this horrible place?"
"October 12th.--Midwinter"s all-important letter to the newspaper was dispatched by the post last night. I was foolish enough to suppose that I might be honored by having some of his spare attention bestowed on me to-day. Nothing of the sort! He had a restless night, after all his writing, and got up with his head aching, and his spirits miserably depressed. When he is in this state, his favorite remedy is to return to his old vagabond habits, and go roaming away by himself n.o.body knows where. He went through the form this morning (knowing I had no riding habit) of offering to hire a little broken-kneed brute of a pony for me, in case I wished to accompany him! I preferred remaining at home. I will have a handsome horse and a handsome habit, or I won"t ride at all.
He went away, without attempting to persuade me to change my mind. I wouldn"t have changed it, of course; but he might have tried to persuade me all the same.
"I can open the piano in his absence--that is one comfort. And I am in a fine humor for playing--that is another. There is a sonata of Beethoven"s (I forget the number), which always suggests to me the agony of lost spirits in a place of torment. Come, my fingers and thumbs, and take me among the lost spirits this morning!"
"October 13th.--Our windows look out on the sea. At noon to-day we saw a steamer coming in, with the English flag flying. Midwinter has gone to the port, on the chance that this may be the vessel from Gibraltar, with Armadale on board.
"Two o"clock.--It is the vessel from Gibraltar. Armadale has added one more to the long list of his blunders: he has kept his engagement to join us at Naples.
"How will it end _now_?
"Who knows?"
"October 16th.--Two days missed out of my Diary! I can hardly tell why, unless it is that Armadale irritates me beyond all endurance. The mere sight of him takes me back to Thorpe Ambrose. I fancy I must have been afraid of what I might write about him, in the course of the last two days, if I indulged myself in the dangerous luxury of opening these pages.
"This morning I am afraid of nothing, and I take up my pen again accordingly.
"Is there any limit, I wonder, to the brutish stupidity of some men?
I thought I had discovered Armadale"s limit when I was his neighbor in Norfolk; but my later experience at Naples shows me that I was wrong. He is perpetually in and out of this house (crossing over to us in a boat from the hotel at Santa Lucia, where he sleeps); and he has exactly two subjects of conversation--the yacht for sale in the harbor here, and Miss Milroy. Yes! he selects ME as the _confidante_ of his devoted attachment to the major"s daughter! "It"s so nice to talk to a woman about it!" That is all the apology he has thought it necessary to make for appealing to my sympathies--_my_ sympathies!--on the subject of "his darling Neelie," fifty times a day. He is evidently persuaded (if he thinks about it at all) that I have forgotten, as completely as he has forgotten, all that once pa.s.sed between us when I was first at Thorpe Ambrose. Such an utter want of the commonest delicacy and the commonest tact, in a creature who is, to all appearance, possessed of a skin, and not a hide, and who does, unless my ears deceive me, talk, and not bray, is really quite incredible when one comes to think of it. But it is, for all that, quite true. He asked me--he actually asked me, last night--how many hundreds a year the wife of a rich man could spend on her dress.
"Don"t put it too low," the idiot added, with his intolerable grin.
"Neelie shall be one of the best-dressed women in England when I have married her." And this to me, after having had him at my feet, and then losing him again through Miss Milroy! This to me, with an alpaca gown on, and a husband whose income must be helped by a newspaper!
"I had better not dwell on it any longer. I had better think and write of something else.
"The yacht. As a relief from hearing about Miss Milroy, I declare the yacht in the harbor is quite an interesting subject to me! She (the men call a vessel "She"; and I suppose, if the women took an interest in such things, _they_ would call a vessel "He")--she is a beautiful model; and her "top-sides" (whatever they may be) are especially distinguished by being built of mahogany. But, with these merits, she has the defect, on the other hand, of being old--which is a sad drawback--and the crew and the sailing-master have been "paid off," and sent home to England--which is additionally distressing. Still, if a new crew and a new sailing-master can be picked up here, such a beautiful creature (with all her drawbacks), is not to be despised. It might answer to hire her for a cruise, and to see how she behaves. (If she is of _my_ mind, her behavior will rather astonish her new master!) The cruise will determine what faults she has, and what repairs, through the unlucky circ.u.mstance of her age, she really stands in need of. And then it will be time to settle whether to buy her outright or not. Such is Armadale"s conversation when he is not talking of "his darling Neelie." And Midwinter, who can steal no time from his newspaper work for his wife, can steal hours for his friend, and can offer them unreservedly to my irresistible rival, the new yacht.
"I shall write no more to-day. If so lady-like a person as I am could feel a tigerish tingling all over her to the very tips of her fingers, I should suspect myself of being in that condition at the present moment.
But, with _my_ manners and accomplishments, the thing is, of course, out of the question. We all know that a lady has no pa.s.sions."
"October 17th.--A letter for Midwinter this morning from the slave-owners--I mean the newspaper people in London--which has set him at work again harder than ever. A visit at luncheon-time and another visit at dinner-time from Armadale. Conversation at luncheon about the yacht. Conversation at dinner about Miss Milroy. I have been honored, in regard to that young lady, by an invitation to go with Armadale to-morrow to the Toledo, and help him to buy some presents for the beloved object. I didn"t fly out at him--I only made an excuse. Can words express the astonishment I feel at my own patience? No words can express it."
"October 18th.--Armadale came to breakfast this morning, by way of catching Midwinter before he shuts himself up over his work.
"Conversation the same as yesterday"s conversation at lunch. Armadale has made his bargain with the agent for hiring the yacht. The agent (compa.s.sionating his total ignorance of the language) has helped him to find an interpreter, but can"t help him to find a crew. The interpreter is civil and willing, but doesn"t understand the sea. Midwinter"s a.s.sistance is indispensable; and Midwinter is requested (and consents!) to work harder than ever, so as to make time for helping his friend.
When the crew is found, the merits and defects of the vessel are to be tried by a cruise to Sicily, with Midwinter on board to give his opinion. Lastly (in case she should feel lonely), the ladies" cabin is most obligingly placed at the disposal of Midwinter"s wife. All this was settled at the breakfast-table; and it ended with one of Armadale"s neatly-turned compliments, addressed to myself: "I mean to take Neelie sailing with me, when we are married. And you have such good taste, you will be able to tell me everything the ladies" cabin wants between that time and this."
"If some women bring such men as this into the world, ought other women to allow them to live? It is a matter of opinion. _I_ think not.
"What maddens me is to see, as I do see plainly, that Midwinter finds in Armadale"s company, and in Armadale"s new yacht, a refuge from me. He is always in better spirits when Armadale is here. He forgets me in Armadale almost as completely as he forgets me in his work. And I bear it! What a pattern wife, what an excellent Christian I am!"
"October 19th.--Nothing new. Yesterday over again."
"October 20th.--One piece of news. Midwinter is suffering from nervous headache; and is working in spite of it, to make time for his holiday with his friend."
"October 21st.--Midwinter is worse. Angry and wild and unapproachable, after two bad nights, and two uninterrupted days at his desk. Under any other circ.u.mstances he would take the warning and leave off. But nothing warns him now. He is still working as hard as ever, for Armadale"s sake.