Armadale

III. THE DIARY BROKEN OFF.

"London, November 19th.--I am alone again in the Great City; alone, for the first time since our marriage. Nearly a week since I started on my homeward journey, leaving Midwinter behind me at Turin.

"The days have been so full of events since the month began, and I have been so hara.s.sed, in mind and body both, for the greater part of the time, that my Diary has been wretchedly neglected. A few notes, written in such hurry and confusion that I can hardly understand them myself, are all that I possess to remind me of what has happened since the night when Armadale"s yacht left Naples. Let me try if I can set this right without more loss or time; let me try if I can recall the circ.u.mstances in their order as they have followed each other from the beginning of the month.

"On the 3d of November--being then still at Naples--Midwinter received a hurried letter from Armadale, date "Messina." "The weather," he said, "had been lovely, and the yacht had made one of the quickest pa.s.sages on record. The crew were rather a rough set to look at; but Captain Manuel and his English mate" (the latter described as "the best of good fellows") "managed them admirably." After this prosperous beginning, Armadale had arranged, as a matter of course, to prolong the cruise; and, at the sailing-master"s suggestion, he had decided to visit some of the ports in the Adriatic, which the captain had described as full of character, and well worth seeing.

"A postscript followed, explaining that Armadale had written in a hurry to catch the steamer to Naples, and that he had opened his letter again, before sending it off, to add something that he had forgotten. On the day before the yacht sailed, he had been at the banker"s to get "a few hundreds in gold," and he believed he had left his cigar-case there. It was an old friend of his, and he begged that Midwinter would oblige him by endeavoring recover it, and keeping it for him till they met again.

"That was the substance of the letter.

"I thought over it carefully when Midwinter had left me alone again, after reading it. My idea was then (and is still) that Manuel had not persuaded Armadale to cruise in a sea like the Adriatic, so much less frequented by ships than the Mediterranean, for nothing. The terms, too, in which the trifling loss of the cigar-case was mentioned struck me as being equally suggestive of what was coming. I concluded that Armadale"s circular notes had not been transformed into those "few hundreds in gold" through any forethought or business knowledge of his own. Manuel"s influence, I suspected, had been exerted in this matter also, and once more not without reason. At intervals through the wakeful night these considerations came back again and again to me; and time after time they pointed obstinately (so far as my next movements were concerned) in one and the same way--the way back to England.

"How to get there, and especially how to get there unaccompanied by Midwinter, was more than I had wit enough to discover that night. I tried and tried to meet the difficulty, and fell asleep exhausted toward the morning without having met it.

"Some hours later, as soon as I was dressed, Midwinter came in, with news received by that morning"s post from his employers in London. The proprietors of the newspaper had received from the editor so favorable a report of his correspondence from Naples that they had determined on advancing him to a place of greater responsibility and greater emolument at Turin. His instructions were inclosed in the letter, and he was requested to lose no time in leaving Naples for his new post.

"On hearing this, I relieved his mind, before he could put the question, of all anxiety about my willingness to remove. Turin had the great attraction, in my eyes, of being on the road to England. I a.s.sured him at once that I was ready to travel as soon as he pleased.

"He thanked me for suiting myself to his plans, with more of his old gentleness and kindness than I had seen in him for some time past. The good news from Armadale on the previous day seemed to have roused him a little from the dull despair in which he had been sunk since the sailing of the yacht. And now the prospect of advancement in his profession, and, more than that, the prospect of leaving the fatal place in which the Third Vision of the Dream had come true, had (as he owned himself) additionally cheered and relieved him. He asked, before he went away to make the arrangements for our journey, whether I expected to hear from my "family" in England, and whether he should give instructions for the forwarding of my letters with his own to the _poste restante_ at Turin.

I instantly thanked him, and accepted the offer. His proposal had suggested to me, the moment he made it, that my fict.i.tious "family circ.u.mstances" might be turned to good account once more, as a reason for unexpectedly summoning me from Italy to England.

"On the ninth of the month we were installed at Turin.

"On the thirteenth, Midwinter--being then very busy--asked if I would save him a loss of time by applying for any letters which might have followed us from Naples. I had been waiting for the opportunity he now offered me; and I determined to s.n.a.t.c.h at it without allowing myself time to hesitate. There were no letters at the _poste restante_ for either of us. But when he put the question on my return, I told him that there had been a letter for me, with alarming news from "home."

My "mother" was dangerously ill, and I was entreated to lose no time in hurrying back to England to see her.

"It seems quite unaccountable--now that I am away from him--but it is none the less true, that I could not, even yet, tell him a downright premeditated falsehood, without a sense of shrinking and shame, which other people would think, and which I think myself, utterly inconsistent with such a character as mine. Inconsistent or not, I felt it. And what is stranger--perhaps I ought to say madder--still, if he had persisted in his first resolution to accompany me himself to England rather than allow me to travel alone, I firmly believe I should have turned my back on temptation for the second time, and have lulled myself to rest once more in the old dream of living out my life happy and harmless in my husband"s love.

"Am I deceiving myself in this? It doesn"t matter--I dare say I am.

Never mind what _might_ have happened. What _did_ happen is the only thing of any importance now.

"It ended in Midwinter"s letting me persuade him that I was old enough to take care of myself on the journey to England, and that he owed it to the newspaper people, who had trusted their interests in his hands, not to leave Turin just as he was established there. He didn"t suffer at taking leave of me as he suffered when he saw the last of his friend. I saw that, and set down the anxiety he expressed that I should write to him at its proper value. I have quite got over my weakness for him at last. No man who really loved me would have put what he owed to a peck of newspaper people before what he owed to his wife. I hate him for letting me convince him! I believe he was glad to get rid of me. I believe he has seen some woman whom he likes at Turin. Well, let him follow his new fancy, if he pleases! I shall be the widow of Mr.

Armadale of Thorpe Ambrose before long; and what will his likes or dislikes matter to me then?

"The events on the journey were not worth mentioning, and my arrival in London stands recorded already on the top of the new page.

"As for to-day, the one thing of any importance that I have done since I got to the cheap and quiet hotel at which I am now staying, has been to send for the landlord, and ask him to help me to a sight of the back numbers of _The Times_ newspaper. He has politely offered to accompany me himself to-morrow morning to some place in the City where all the papers are kept, as he calls it, in file. Till to-morrow, then, I must control my impatience for news of Armadale as well as I can. And so good-night to the pretty reflection of myself that appears in these pages!"

"November 20th.--Not a word of news yet, either in the obituary column or in any other part of the paper. I looked carefully through each number in succession, dating from the day when Armadale"s letter was written at Messina to this present 20th of the month, and I am certain, whatever may have happened, that nothing is known in England as yet.

Patience! The newspaper is to meet me at the breakfast-table every morning till further notice; and any day now may show me what I most want to see."

"November 21st.--No news again. I wrote to Midwinter to-day, to keep up appearances.

"When the letter was done, I fell into wretchedly low spirits--I can"t imagine why--and felt such a longing for a little company that, in despair of knowing where else to go, I actually went to Pimlico, on the chance that Mother Oldershaw might have returned to her old quarters.

"There were changes since I had seen the place during my former stay in London. Doctor Downward"s side of the house was still empty. But the shop was being brightened up for the occupation of a milliner and dress-maker. The people, when I went in to make inquiries, were all strangers to me. They showed, however, no hesitation in giving me Mrs.

Oldershaw"s address when I asked for it--from which I infer that the little "difficulty" which forced her to be in hiding in August last is at an end, so far as she is concerned. As for the doctor, the people at the shop either were, or pretended to be, quite unable to tell me what had become of him.

"I don"t know whether it was the sight of the place at Pimlico that sickened me, or whether it was my own perversity, or what. But now that I had got Mrs. Oldershaw"s address, I felt as if she was the very last person in the world that I wanted to see. I took a cab, and told the man to drive to the street she lived in, and then told him to drive back to the hotel. I hardly know what is the matter with me--unless it is that I am getting more impatient every hour for information about Armadale.

When will the future look a little less dark, I wonder? To-morrow is Sat.u.r.day. Will to-morrow"s newspaper lift the veil?"

"November 22d.--Sat.u.r.day"s newspaper _has_ lifted the veil! Words are vain to express the panic of astonishment in which I write. I never once antic.i.p.ated it; I can"t believe it or realize it, now it has happened.

The winds and waves themselves have turned my accomplices! The yacht has foundered at sea, and every soul on board has perished!

"Here is the account cut out of this morning"s newspaper:

""DISASTER AT SEA.--Intelligence has reached the Royal Yacht Squadron and the insurers which leaves no reasonable doubt, we regret to say, of the total loss, on the fifth of the present month, of the yacht _Dorothea_, with every soul on board. The particulars are as follows: At daylight, on the morning of the sixth, the Italian brig _Speranza_, bound from Venice to Marsala for orders, encountered some floating objects off Cape Spartivento (at the southernmost extremity of Italy) which attracted the curiosity of the people of the brig. The previous day had been marked by one of the most severe of the sudden and violent storms, peculiar to these southern seas, which has been remembered for years. The _Speranza_ herself having been in danger while the gale lasted, the captain and crew concluded that they were on the traces of a wreck, and a boat was lowered for the purpose of examining the objects in the water. A hen-coop, some broken spars, and fragments of shattered plank were the first evidences discovered of the terrible disaster that had happened. Some of the lighter articles of cabin furniture, wrenched and shattered, were found next. And, lastly, a memento of melancholy interest turned up, in the shape of a lifebuoy, with a corked bottle attached to it. These latter objects, with the relics of cabin furniture, were brought on board the _Speranza_. On the buoy the name of the vessel was painted, as follows: "_Dorothea, R. Y. S._" (meaning Royal Yacht Squadron). The bottle, on being uncorked, contained a sheet of note-paper, on which the following lines were hurriedly traced in pencil: "Off Cape Spartivento; two days out from Messina. Nov. 5th, 4 P.M." (being the hour at which the log of the Italian brig showed the storm to have been at its height). "Both our boats are stove in by the sea. The rudder is gone, and we have sprung a leak astern which is more than we can stop. The Lord help us all--we are sinking. (Signed) John Mitchenden, Mate." On reaching Marsala, the captain of the brig made his report to the British consul, and left the objects discovered in that gentleman"s charge. Inquiry at Messina showed that the ill-fated vessel had arrived there from Naples. At the latter port it was ascertained that the _Dorothea_ had been hired from the owner"s agent by an English gentleman, Mr. Armadale, of Thorpe Ambrose, Norfolk. Whether Mr.

Armadale had any friends on board with him has not been clearly discovered. But there is unhappily no doubt that the ill-fated gentleman himself sailed in the yacht from Naples, and that he was also on board of the vessel when she left Messina."

"Such is the story of the wreck, as the newspaper tells it in the plainest and fewest words. My head is in a whirl; my confusion is so great that I think of fifty different things in trying to think of one.

I must wait--a day more or less is of no consequence now--I must wait till I can face my new position, without feeling bewildered by it."

"November 23d.--Eight in the morning.--I rose an hour ago, and saw my way clearly to the first step that I must take under present circ.u.mstances.

"It is of the utmost importance to me to know what is doing at Thorpe Ambrose; and it would be the height of rashness, while I am quite in the dark in this matter, to venture there myself. The only other alternative is to write to somebody on the spot for news; and the only person I can write to is--Bashwood.

"I have just finished the letter. It is headed "private and confidential," and signed "Lydia Armadale." There is nothing in it to compromise me, if the old fool is mortally offended by my treatment of him, and if he spitefully shows my letter to other people. But I don"t believe he will do this. A man at his age forgives a woman anything, if the woman only encourages him. I have requested him, as a personal favor, to keep our correspondence for the present strictly private. I have hinted that my married life with my deceased husband has not been a happy one; and that I feel the injudiciousness of having married a _young_ man. In the postscript I go further still, and venture boldly on these comforting words: "I can explain, dear Mr. Bashwood, what may have seemed fake and deceitful in my conduct toward you when you give me a personal opportunity." If he was on the right side of sixty, I should feel doubtful of results. But he is on the wrong side of sixty, and I believe he will give me my personal opportunity.

"Ten o"clock.--I have been looking over the copy of my marriage certificate, with which I took care to provide myself on the wedding-day; and I have discovered, to my inexpressible dismay, an obstacle to my appearance in the character of Armadale"s widow which I now see for the first time.

"The description of Midwinter (under his own name) which the certificate presents answers in every important particular to what would have been the description of Armadale of Thorpe Ambrose, if I had really married him. "Name and Surname"--Allan Armadale. "Age"--twenty-one, instead of twenty-two, which might easily pa.s.s for a mistake.

"Condition"--Bachelor. "Rank or profession"--Gentleman. "Residence at the time of Marriage"--Frant"s Hotel, Darley Street. "Father"s Name and Surname"--Allan Armadale. "Rank or Profession of Father"--Gentleman.

Every particular (except the year"s difference in their two ages) which answers for the one answers for the other. But suppose, when I produce my copy of the certificate, that some meddlesome lawyer insists on looking at the original register? Midwinter"s writing is as different as possible from the writing of his dead friend. The hand in which he has written "Allan Armadale" in the book has not a chance of pa.s.sing for the hand in which Armadale of Thorpe Ambrose was accustomed to sign his name.

"Can I move safely in the matter, with such a pitfall as I see here open under my feet? How can I tell? Where can I find an experienced person to inform me? I must shut up my diary and think."

"Seven o"clock.--My prospects have changed again since I made my last entry. I have received a warning to be careful in the future which I shall not neglect; and I have (I believe) succeeded in providing myself with the advice and a.s.sistance of which I stand in need.

"After vainly trying to think of some better person to apply to in the difficulty which embarra.s.sed me, I made a virtue of necessity, and set forth to surprise Mrs. Oldershaw by a visit from her darling Lydia! It is almost needless to add that I determined to sound her carefully, and not to let any secret of importance out of my own possession.

"A sour and solemn old maid-servant admitted me into the house. When I asked for her mistress, I was reminded with the bitterest emphasis that I had committed the impropriety of calling on a Sunday. Mrs. Oldershaw was at home, solely in consequence of being too unwell to go to church!

The servant thought it very unlikely that she would see me. I thought it highly probable, on the contrary, that she would honor me with an interview in her own interests, if I sent in my name as "Miss Gwilt"--and the event proved that I was right. After being kept waiting some minutes I was shown into the drawing-room.

"There sat Mother Jezebel, with the air of a woman resting on the high-road to heaven, dressed in a slate-colored gown, with gray mittens on her hands, a severely simple cap on her head, and a volume of sermons on her lap. She turned up the whites of her eyes devoutly at the sight of me, and the first words she said were--"Oh, Lydia! Lydia! why are you not at church?"

"If I had been less anxious, the sudden presentation of Mrs. Oldershaw in an entirely new character might have amused me. But I was in no humor for laughing, and (my notes of hand being all paid) I was under no obligation to restrain my natural freedom of speech. "Stuff and nonsense!" I said. "Put your Sunday face in your pocket. I have got some news for you, since I last wrote from Thorpe Ambrose."

"The instant I mentioned "Thorpe Ambrose," the whites of the old hypocrite"s eyes showed themselves again, and she flatly refused to hear a word more from me on the subject of my proceedings in Norfolk. I insisted; but it was quite useless. Mother Oldershaw only shook her head and groaned, and informed me that her connection with the pomps and vanities of the world was at an end forever. "I have been born again, Lydia," said the brazen old wretch, wiping her eyes. "Nothing will induce me to return to the subject of that wicked speculation of yours on the folly of a rich young man."

"After hearing this, I should have left her on the spot, but for one consideration which delayed me a moment longer.

"It was easy to see, by this time, that the circ.u.mstances (whatever they might have been) which had obliged Mother Oldershaw to keep in hiding, on the occasion of my former visit to London, had been sufficiently serious to force her into giving up, or appearing to give up, her old business. And it was hardly less plain that she had found it to her advantage--everybody in England finds it to their advantage in some way to cover the outer side of her character carefully with a smooth varnish of Cant. This was, however, no business of mine; and I should have made these reflections outside instead of inside the house, if my interests had not been involved in putting the sincerity of Mother Oldershaw"s reformation to the test--so far as it affected her past connection with myself. At the time when she had fitted me out for our enterprise, I remembered signing a certain business doc.u.ment which gave her a handsome pecuniary interest in my success, if I became Mrs. Armadale of Thorpe Ambrose. The chance of turning this mischievous morsel of paper to good account, in the capacity of a touchstone, was too tempting to be resisted. I asked my devout friend"s permission to say one last word before I left the house.