"In three bold steps--only three!--that end might be reached. Let Midwinter marry me privately, under his real name--step the first! Let Armadale leave Thorpe Ambrose a single man, and die in some distant place among strangers--step the second!
"Why am I hesitating? Why not go on to step the third, and last?
"I _will_ go on. Step the third, and last, is my appearance, after the announcement of Armadale"s death has reached this neighborhood, in the character of Armadale"s widow, with my marriage certificate in my hand to prove my claim. It is as clear as the sun at noonday. Thanks to the exact similarity between the two names, and thanks to the careful manner in which the secret of that similarity has been kept, I may be the wife of the dark Allan Armadale, known as such to n.o.body but my husband and myself; and I may, out of that very position, claim the character of widow of the light Allan Armadale, with proof to support me (in the shape of my marriage certificate) which would be proof in the estimation of the most incredulous person living.
"To think of my having put all this in my Diary! To think of my having actually contemplated this very situation, and having seen nothing more in it, at the time, than a reason (if I married Midwinter) for consenting to appear in the world under my husband"s a.s.sumed name!
"What is it daunts me? The dread of obstacles? The fear of discovery?
"Where are the obstacles? Where is the fear of discovery?
"I am actually suspected all over the neighborhood of intriguing to be mistress of Thorpe Ambrose. I am the only person who knows the real turn that Armadale"s inclinations have taken. Not a creature but myself is as yet aware of his early morning meetings with Miss Milroy. If it is necessary to part them, I can do it at any moment by an anonymous line to the major. If it is necessary to remove Armadale from Thorpe Ambrose, I can get him away at three days" notice. His own lips informed me, when I last spoke to him, that he would go to the ends of the earth to be friends again with Midwinter, if Midwinter would let him. I have only to tell Midwinter to write from London, and ask to be reconciled; and Midwinter would obey me--and to London Armadale would go. Every difficulty, at starting, is smoothed over ready to my hand.
Every after-difficulty I could manage for myself. In the whole venture--desperate as it looks to pa.s.s myself off for the widow of one man, while I am all the while the wife of the other--there is absolutely no necessity that wants twice considering, but the one terrible necessity of Armadale"s death.
"His death! It might be a terrible necessity to any other woman; but is it, ought it to be terrible to Me?
"I hate him for his mother"s sake. I hate him for his own sake. I hate him for going to London behind my back, and making inquiries about me.
I hate him for forcing me out of my situation before I wanted to go. I hate him for destroying all my hopes of marrying him, and throwing me back helpless on my own miserable life. But, oh, after what I have done already in the past time, how can I? how can I?
"The girl, too--the girl who has come between us; who has taken him away from me; who has openly insulted me this very day--how the girl whose heart is set on him would feel it if he died! What a vengeance on _her_, if I did it! And when I was received as Armadale"s widow what a triumph for _me_. Triumph! It is more than triumph--it is the salvation of me.
A name that can"t be a.s.sailed, a station that can"t be a.s.sailed, to hide myself in from my past life! Comfort, luxury, wealth! An income of twelve hundred a year secured to me secured by a will which has been looked at by a lawyer: secured independently of anything Armadale can say or do himself! I never had twelve hundred a year. At my luckiest time, I never had half as much, really my own. What have I got now? Just five pounds left in the world--and the prospect next week of a debtor"s prison.
"But, oh, after what I have done already in the past time, how can I?
how can I?
"Some women--in my place, and with my recollections to look back on--would feel it differently. Some women would say, "It"s easier the second time than the first." Why can"t I? why can"t I?
"Oh, you Devil tempting me, is there no Angel near to raise some timely obstacle between this and to-morrow which might help me to give it up?
"I shall sink under it--I shall sink, if I write or think of it any more! I"ll shut up these leaves and go out again. I"ll get some common person to come with me, and we will talk of common things. I"ll take out the woman of the house, and her children. We will go and see something.
There is a show of some kind in the town--I"ll treat them to it. I"m not such an ill-natured woman when I try; and the landlady has really been kind to me. Surely I might occupy my mind a little in seeing her and her children enjoying themselves.
"A minute since, I shut up these leaves as I said I would; and now I have opened them again, I don"t know why. I think my brain is turned.
I feel as if something was lost out of my mind; I feel as if I ought to find it here.
"I have found it! _Midwinter!!!_
"Is it possible that I can have been thinking of the reasons For and Against, for an hour past--writing Midwinter"s name over and over again--speculating seriously on marrying him--and all the time not once remembering that, even with every other impediment removed, _he_ alone, when the time came, would be an insurmountable obstacle in my way? Has the effort to face the consideration of Armadale"s death absorbed me to _that_ degree? I suppose it has. I can"t account for such extraordinary forgetfulness on my part in any other way.
"Shall I stop and think it out, as I have thought out all the rest?
Shall I ask myself if the obstacle of Midwinter would, after all, when the time came, be the unmanageable obstacle that it looks at present?
No! What need is there to think of it? I have made up my mind to get the better of the temptation. I have made up my mind to give my landlady and her children a treat; I have made up my mind to close my Diary. And closed it shall be.
"Six o"clock.--The landlady"s gossip is unendurable; the landlady"s children distract me. I have left them to run back here before post time and write a line to Mrs. Oldershaw.
"The dread that I shall sink under the temptation has grown stronger and stronger on me. I have determined to put it beyond my power to have my own way and follow my own will. Mother Oldershaw shall be the salvation of me for the first time since I have known her. If I can"t pay my note of hand, she threatens me with an arrest. Well, she _shall_ arrest me.
In the state my mind is in now, the best thing that can happen to me is to be taken away from Thorpe Ambrose, whether I like it or not. I will write and say that I am to be found here I will write and tell her, in so many words, that the best service she can render me is to lock me up."
"Seven o"clock.--The letter has gone to the post. I had begun to feel a little easier, when the children came in to thank me for taking them to the show. One of them is a girl, and the girl upset me. She is a forward child, and her hair is nearly the color of mine. She said, "I shall be like you when I have grown bigger, shan"t I?" Her idiot of a mother said, "Please to excuse her, miss," and took her out of the room, laughing. Like me! I don"t pretend to be fond of the child; but think of her being like me!"
"Sat.u.r.day morning.--I have done well for once in acting on impulse, and writing as I did to Mrs. Oldershaw. The only new circ.u.mstance that has happened is another circ.u.mstance in my favor!
"Major Milroy has answered Armadale"s letter, entreating permission to call at the cottage and justify himself. His daughter read it in silence, when Armadale handed it to her at their meeting this morning, in the park. But they talked about it afterward, loud enough for me to hear them. The major persists in the course he has taken. He says his opinion of Armadale"s conduct has been formed, not on common report, but on Armadale"s own letters, and he sees no reason to alter the conclusion at which he arrived when the correspondence between them was closed.
"This little matter had, I confess, slipped out of my memory. It might have ended awkwardly for _me_. If Major Milroy had been less obstinately wedded to his own opinion, Armadale might have justified himself; the marriage engagement might have been acknowledged; and all _my_ power of influencing the matter might have been at an end. As it is, they must continue to keep the engagement strictly secret; and Miss Milroy, who has never ventured herself near the great house since the thunder-storm forced her into it for shelter, will be less likely than ever to venture there now. I can part them when I please; with an anonymous line to the major, I can part them when I please!
"After having discussed the letter, the talk between them turned on what they were to do next. Major Milroy"s severity, as it soon appeared, produced the usual results. Armadale returned to the subject of the elopement; and this time she listened to him. There is everything to drive her to it. Her outfit of clothes is nearly ready; and the summer holidays, at the school which has been chosen for her, end at the end of next week. When I left them, they had decided to meet again and settle something on Monday.
"The last words I heard him address to her, before I went away, shook me a little. He said: "There is one difficulty, Neelie, that needn"t trouble us, at any rate. I have got plenty of money." And then he kissed her. The way to his life began to look an easier way to me when he talked of his money, and kissed her.
"Some hours have pa.s.sed, and the more I think of it, the more I fear the blank interval between this time and the time when Mrs. Oldershaw calls in the law, and protects me against myself. It might have been better if I had stopped at home this morning. But how could I? After the insult she offered me yesterday, I tingled all over to go and look at her.
"To-day; Sunday; Monday; Tuesday. They can"t arrest me for the money before Wednesday. And my miserable five pounds are dwindling to four!
And he told her he had plenty of money! And she blushed and trembled when he kissed her. It might have been better for him, better for her, and better for me, if my debt had fallen due yesterday, and if the bailiffs had their hands on me at this moment.
"Suppose I had the means of leaving Thorpe Ambrose by the next train, and going somewhere abroad, and absorbing myself in some new interest, among new people. Could I do it, rather than look again at that easy way to his life which would smooth the way to everything else?
"Perhaps I might. But where is the money to come from? Surely some way of getting it struck me a day or two since? Yes; that mean idea of asking Armadale to help me! Well; I _will_ be mean for once. I"ll give him the chance of making a generous use of that well-filled purse which it is such a comfort to him to reflect on in his present circ.u.mstances.
It would soften my heart toward any man if he lent me money in my present extremity; and, if Armadale lends me money, it might soften my heart toward him. When shall I go? At once! I won"t give myself time to feel the degradation of it, and to change my mind."
"Three "clock.--I mark the hour. He has sealed his own doom. He has insulted me.
"Yes! I have suffered it once from Miss Milroy. And I have now suffered it a second time from Armadale himself. An insult--a marked, merciless, deliberate insult in the open day!
"I had got through the town, and had advanced a few hundred yards along the road that leads to the great house, when I saw Armadale at a little distance, coming toward me. He was walking fast--evidently with some errand of his own to take him to the town. The instant he caught sight of me he stopped, colored up, took off his hat, hesitated, and turned aside down a lane behind him, which I happen to know would take him exactly in the contrary direction to the direction in which he was walking when he first saw me. His conduct said in so many words, "Miss Milroy may hear of it; I daren"t run the risk of being seen speaking to you." Men have used me heartlessly; men have done and said hard things to me; but no man living ever yet treated me as if I was plague-struck, and as if the very air about me was infected by my presence!
"I say no more. When he walked away from me down that lane, he walked to his death. I have written to Midwinter to expect me in London nest week, and to be ready for our marriage soon afterward."
"Four o"clock.--Half an hour since, I put on my bonnet to go out and post the letter to Midwinter myself. And here I am, still in my room, with my mind torn by doubts, and my letter on the table.
"Armadale counts for nothing in the perplexities that are now torturing me. It is Midwinter who makes me hesitate. Can I take the first of those three steps that lead me to the end, without the common caution of looking at consequences? Can I marry Midwinter, without knowing beforehand how to meet the obstacle of my husband, when the time comes which transforms me from the living Armadale"s wife to the dead Armadale"s widow?
"Why can"t I think of it, when I know I _must_ think of it? Why can"t I look at it as steadily as I have looked at all the rest? I feel his kisses on my lips; I feel his tears on my bosom; I feel his arms round me again. He is far away in London; and yet, he is here and won"t let me think of it!
"Why can"t I wait a little? Why can"t I let Time help me? Time? It"s Sat.u.r.day! What need is there to think of it, unless I like? There is no post to London to-day. I _must_ wait. If I posted the letter, it wouldn"t go. Besides, to-morrow I may hear from Mrs. Oldershaw. I ought to wait to hear from Mrs. Oldershaw. I can"t consider myself a free woman till I know what Mrs. Oldershaw means to do. There is a necessity for waiting till to-morrow. I shall take my bonnet off, and lock the letter up in my desk."
"Sunday morning.--There is no resisting it! One after another the circ.u.mstances crowd on me. They come thicker and thicker, and they all force me one way.
"I have got Mother Oldershaw"s answer. The wretch fawns on me, and cringes to me. I can see, as plainly as if she had acknowledged it, that she suspects me of seeing my own way to success at Thorpe Ambrose without her a.s.sistance. Having found threatening me useless, she tries coaxing me now. I am her darling Lydia again! She is quite shocked that I could imagine she ever really intended to arrest her bosom friend; and she has only to entreat me, as a favor to herself, to renew the bill!
"I say once more, no mortal creature could resist it! Time after time I have tried to escape the temptation; and time after time the circ.u.mstances drive me back again. I can struggle no longer. The post that takes the letters to-night shall take my letter to Midwinter among the rest.
"To-night! If I give myself till to-night, something else may happen.