"That"s it?" Jillian asked.
Krista raised a brow. "It"s not enough?"
"For me, it helped to envision the ending," Kenji explained. "No matter how dark it got over there, I knew she was waiting. There were a few times I might not have made it out if not for her. I wouldn"t have had reason to move so fast or push so hard."
Avery tapped Jillian on the arm. "So the real question is, do you love Ben enough to wait however long it takes before you guys can be together, enough to fight if things get tough?"
My breath caught, because she might as well be asking me that question. How much do I love Rob? That much? Or not enough. Like I said that terrible day.
Jillian seemed frozen, indecision playing across her round face. "I"m not sure. We have fun together, but...I don"t feel like we have what you and Kenji do." She cursed softly. "I think I have to break up with him."
Kenji tilted his head against the couch. "Are your friends always this depressing, baby?"
I smirked. "Sometimes we do body shots off each other and try to see how many phone numbers we can get in a night. You"d be surprised at how many guys were into Krista"s midriff."
"Lauren! G.o.d, don"t tell him that."
He aimed a teasing smile her way. "Why, because it"s true? From the pictures I"ve seen, you were pretty hot with that baby belly."
"That"s our cue to leave," Avery said, standing up.
Jillian nodded. "Thanks for the advice. I"ll let you know how it goes. Nice meeting you, Kenji. We"ve all heard so much about you that it seems like we know you already."
"All good?" he asked.
"Definitely. Dinner was delicious. See you soon, guys."
Avery was driving tonight, so I got in her Bug, waving to Jillian as we drove off. Evidently rooming together had given her some kind of Lauren-dar, however, because before we were halfway home, she said, "Spill it."
"What?"
"You got this deer-in-headlights look when Kenji and Krista were being adorable."
"I was just thinking, that"s all."
"About what?"
"Rob," I admitted.
"Alert the media."
"You asked. Do you want to hear this or not?" The car was quiet for too long. "Hey!"
She teased, "I"m thinking. Fine, tell me your deep thoughts."
"Basically, just that I"m sure. I love Rob that much. My life will always be better with him in it. He"s worth waiting for, worth fighting for. I had to...I dunno, fix myself a bit before I could be a real partner, but I"m closer now. I"m better."
"Are you trying to convince me?" Avery asked.
"No, I mean it. I think he needed to take this shot on his own, see how well he did without me backing him up. Not sure if you noticed when you were together, but he"s not the most confident guy."
"I did," she said softly. "I took advantage of it. And I should apologize."
"You and me both. But the thing is, maybe he"s done. He sent back some things that belonged to me. It might"ve been a sign, letting me know that it"s definitely over." Or maybe it meant something else entirely, though for the life of me, I had no idea what.
"Do you care? You already said you"ll fight for him. So go, kick a.s.s and take names. Hold your head high, give him h.e.l.l. Don"t stop "til you get enough."
"Are you just quoting random song lyrics at me now?"
"Maybe. I"m bad at this encouragement stuff, huh?"
I shook my head. "In fact, it"s just the boot in the a.s.s I need to go get my man."
CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN.
First thing the next morning, I called Nadia. For once, the time difference served me well, so I didn"t wake her up. She answered on the second ring. At this hour, she was probably at the day care center. "Everything okay? You never call me when I"m at work."
"Your parents are fine. I"m about to ask you a favor, and I"ll understand if you say no. But if you do, I"ll find another way-"
"Tell me what you need, LB." When she cut into my babble, she sounded amused.
"Rob"s address."
"That"s easy. I"m forwarding his contact info to your phone."
"Wow." I"d geared up to really beg her in case she didn"t want to get in the middle of our drama. "Thank you."
"I"m glad you"re finally calling him. The two of you are driving me nuts."
"Huh?"
"You think I haven"t noticed the way you perk up when I mention him? And Rob"s the same. I talked to him a week ago, and he was all supercasual. "So how"s Lauren doing? Who"s she dating these days?" I told him I didn"t know because I figured you"d kill me if I said you"re still as hung up on him now as you were six months ago. I still don"t get it, by the way. But I hope you can patch things up."
My phone pinged with Rob"s new cell number and his home address. His email was the same. But I only needed to know where he lived because this wasn"t the kind of conversation we could have online or even on the phone. I had to talk to him, face-to-face, and find out if there was any hope of fixing the broken between us.
"Me, too."
"Good luck," she said. "I have to go before these hooligans duct tape my a.s.sistant to something."
When I hung up and turned around, I spotted Avery perched at the foot of the stairs. "When are you leaving?"
I liked that she didn"t secretly expect me to chicken out. "I have to put in for vacation days. I"m not calling in sick. I have to do it right."
"Well, for what it"s worth, I hope he forgives you."
"Me, too."
After taking care of Happy, I got ready and went to work a bit early. The office staff was already on site, so I asked for the paperwork and filled it out during my lunch hour. According to the doc.u.mentation, all such requests required a week to process, so I wouldn"t be getting my three-day weekend this pay period. But they approved it for the following Friday. Afterward, I was so wound up that I probably scared the prospective customers with my too-wide smile.
Finally, five o"clock rolled around, and I zipped home. Happy was glad to see me; I fed her and opened a can of soup, then I went upstairs to make travel arrangements. Flying alone was the kind of thing that could send me straight into a panic attack before, but as I bought the tickets, I breathed through it. Why are you so scared? Is it really the flying? When I a.n.a.lyzed the tightness in my chest, the fear came from the prospect of facing Rob. It wasn"t that I was afraid to grovel, more that despite what Nadia said, he wouldn"t care how I felt or what I had to say.
Unpacking the emotions gave them less power over me, though. I worked through the feelings as Dr. Reid had taught me, and then stowed them in their proper place. For the next week, I kept busy. I worked extra hard on my data structures project and I turned in my ethics paper early. By Thursday night, I was packed and ready.
I didn"t bother to rent a hotel room. If things went badly with Rob, I"d just change my return and hang out at the airport until I could go home. That possibility filled my stomach with lead as I drove two hours to the airport, where I left my car in long-term parking and then caught the shuttle to my terminal. This was so different from the time I"d come to Toronto with Rob. I didn"t realize how well he managed things until I had to get in lines on my own.
Somehow I survived the waiting and the flight. At the Toronto airport, I stopped in the restroom to check my hair and makeup. Refreshing my lipstick made me feel better, then I went down to the taxi stand, got one and gave the guy Rob"s address. I"d looked up the location on Google Maps the night before, but it wasn"t the same as seeing the city open up all around me. The cabbie seemed to sense I wasn"t in the mood to chat, so he made no small talk as I clutched my backpack and stared out the window at the pa.s.sing cityscape.
Maybe I should"ve called.
Normally I"d be sweating and hyperventilating by now, so this was a great field test for the coping strategies I had been practicing. Wryly I thought, I"m definitely stronger. Too soon or maybe not soon enough, the taxi stopped outside a white stone building. It didn"t have a lot of personality, nothing to separate it from the ones on either side. With a mental shrug, I paid the driver and got out. He pulled away as I stood at the curb, staring up. The place wasn"t fancy enough to have a doorman, but there were intercoms. I hadn"t considered that I wouldn"t just be able to go knock on his door. c.r.a.p, defeated by small-town mentality.
But I"d come too far to stop now. So I marched over and pressed the b.u.t.ton for his apartment. Nothing. It was just past one in the afternoon, so maybe I"d timed it wrong. He could be shooting for the show or doing an appearance. Dammit. What now? Disheartened, I walked a couple of blocks until I found a coffee place and bought a latte, then I went back to his apartment and pushed the b.u.t.ton again, like I could will him to answer. It didn"t work.
Then I"ll wait.
Sitting on a bench wasn"t how I envisioned this reunion. Like the last time I was in Toronto, I got out my phone and read while keeping an eye on pa.s.sersby. The last thing I wanted was to miss Rob and end up spending the night here. Getting arrested for vagrancy wasn"t part of the plan. It was chilly enough that the cold bench numbed my b.u.t.t, but if I went back to the cafe, I might miss him. Two hours pa.s.sed, and I"d long since finished my drink when a familiar figure strode down the sidewalk toward me.
He was a little leaner, probably because he wasn"t doing hard labor on construction sites anymore. His face seemed more chiseled, eyes brighter in contrast to his dark hair. He was wearing jeans, a black shirt and a fleece-lined jacket, the perfect amount of rugged. I could easily imagine TV viewers all over Canada falling in love with him when the first show aired. The sight of Rob after so many months apart hit me harder than I expected; I froze, unable to speak as he drew closer, and he almost pa.s.sed me. Then his gaze sharpened, his steps slowed, then stopped altogether, no more than five feet away.
"Lauren," he said.
That was all. That one word gave me no clue how he felt. I hadn"t talked to him since that awful night. I met his gaze, wondering if I had the courage for this. Then I remembered what Krista said about imagining life without the one you love. I"ll swing for the fences. What was it people said about moments like this, Go big or go home?
"Hey. Do you have a minute to talk?"
"Just one?"
"Possibly more. We can go to the coffee shop if you don"t want to invite me up."
"No, it"s fine. Come on." He beckoned me toward the building, and my legs were so stiff that I could hardly toddle. "Jesus. How long have you been sitting here?"
"Dunno. Two or three hours."
"Are you crazy?"
I smiled. "Less than I have been, actually."
Rob unlocked the lobby doors and headed for the elevator. Apparently he lived on the sixth floor, near the top by my calculations, considering how long I"d been staring at the building and counting things. The ride up was quiet, but it wasn"t like I could just launch into my speech right here, and I"d forgotten most of what I intended to say in the waiting. He let us into his apartment, which was open and modern-hardwood floors, stainless steel. It didn"t have any of the charm of the place we"d restored together.
"I"ll make some coffee," he said.
I waited politely in the living room, unable to breathe for the tightness in my chest. What did you think, that he"d be overcome with l.u.s.t the minute he spotted you, sweep you into his arms and you"d have make-up s.e.x without talking first? Maybe. It would"ve been easier; that was for sure.
When he finally brought two cups, mine fixed just as I liked it, I glanced up from my lap. I caught...something in his eyes, a familiar look, just before he shuttered it, and it gave me the courage to speak. "You"re probably wondering why I"m here."
"Well, yeah. You made things pretty clear before."
"I need to apologize to you."
"For dumping me?" He folded his arms, propping a hip against the edge of his chair.
With him towering over me, I had a hard time finding the words. But I pushed on. "No, for lying. I knew you"d never leave if you understood how much I love you. And you needed to go, every bit as much as I needed to get my head together."
"Love?" he asked quietly.
"I never stopped. I don"t know if I ever will. And it"s okay if you can"t forgive me. I know I hurt you, and I"m so sorry. But I couldn"t go with you, not then, and I was afraid you"d be too focused on a long-distance thing with me to give this-" I gestured vaguely at the apartment "-your best shot."
"It would help if you told me why."
"Why I couldn"t come with you?"
Rob knew about my anxiety, but I hadn"t been honest with him. So I took a deep breath and told him about the extent of my drinking, the night with Max, just how bad things had gotten at their worst and how much damage control there was to do before I could be with him as a real partner.
"Jesus," he said softly.
It was impossible to meet his gaze. "I was a mess. And though I didn"t realize it at the time, I was using you as glue to hold myself together. I really am better now, though, or I wouldn"t be here. You should know, saying those things to you, it was like cutting out my own heart. After you left, I cried until I couldn"t see. But...I understand if this is too little, too late."
"Say it again." He tilted my chin up.
"Huh?" I blinked at him, bewildered.
"That you love me."
"I love you, Rob. I always have. I was in love with you before you kissed me. Until you, I never even remotely believed in the possibility of a happy ending."
"So what happens now?" He was being so cagey, so guarded with his reaction, that I had no idea how he felt about me, no matter what Nadia thought.
"That"s up to you. This is what I came to say. I could grovel more, but the core message will be the same-that I"m sorry and I love you, and that I"ll do anything you want, anything it takes for us to be together. If it"s not enough, then-"
Rob plucked the untouched coffee from my hands and pulled me out of my chair. At first, I half thought he was showing me the door, but then, for the first time in so long, I was in his arms. He put his cheek against my hair and breathed me in; I was doing the same to him through a rush of tears.
"Do you have any idea how much I missed you? G.o.d, Lauren, you weren"t just my girlfriend, you were my best friend, my family...everything."
"I"m sorry," I whispered.
"No...you were right about one thing. If I"d been looking back to Sharon, I don"t think I"d have done as well at this. Because I came here angry and with something to prove. But the longer we were apart, the more I realized that whole night was weird."
I lifted my face, puzzled. "It was?"
"If I really had faith in us-in you-I wouldn"t have bailed so fast. I"d have argued with you. That"s because, deep down, I never thought I could be enough for you. So when you confirmed I wasn"t, all my worst fears came true, and I had to get out."
"I told you before, you don"t have to do anything to be with me. I"m not a prize to be won like a stuffed bear at a carnival."