Ashes and Kingdoms

TL notes: I’m still debating between translating literally or just grasping the meaning. Whichever you prefer, let me know in the comments or email me. Anyways, it was the first time I had to look up euphemisms for a “certain” word in this story. See if you can spot it 

After that fierce night had pa.s.sed, Fin’s sense of feeling was changing unnoticed.

He didn’t remember how he walked back to the barracks in the town at daybreak, and didn’t even notice that figures of pitiful refugees who should’ve been at the roadside.

The dull numbness continued after having slept well, and felt nothing towards the town’s condition nor the soldiers’ corrupted behavior.

Even the time he went out to look for his lost sword by the castle walls, an obviously human bone tumbled out when he paused right before the bonfire pedestal, but he just thought “Aah“.

The sword that was s.n.a.t.c.hed away by the beast casually tumbled out from the nearby bush. In the instance he picked it up, he again remembered the fear of that cold and dark hatred that pierced through the sword. But when he gripped the handle and nothing happened, he quietly pulled back his tears full of emotion.

On his way back to the barracks, he happened upon a scene that resembled his own a few days ago: a new refugee family were having their possessions taken away. However, Fin wasn’t even considering stopping them or at least saying a few comforting words. Such thoughts didn’t appear in his mind for even a second.

It’s not as if he wasn’t aware of Fianera’s words that “You must at least be thankful”. He didn’t approve of acts like robbery and a.s.sault. It’s just that he began to lose his sense of reality.

To request compensation seems like a given privilege for these soldiers who are carrying such a heavy toil. If this was the past and they were in the army corps, then they would’ve also received promotions, raises in salary, and honor from the empire. But, now one can’t even wish for such. Things such as salary and t.i.tle naturally, and simple reputation and honor, or even just something to be proud about have no such charm anymore. There won’t be citizens who give praise and neither poets nor historians who will sing of your merit. There is also no chance to engrave merits into stone monuments or buildings.

If that is the case, then naturally, it is human beings that devour the petty gains before them.

In the minds of the soldiers — or should they simply be called warriors now — is only how many more days until their next shift. When that happens, thinking is pointless. If one is lucky enough to survive the night, then all there is to pa.s.s time is count the days until the next time one has to keep watch.

Therefore, they desire the pleasure of time rather than valuables. To drink, eat, rage, and embrace women.

Fin didn’t join in the uproar, but he simply understood that he didn’t feel better looking at it. When he looked more closely, there weren’t many of the same kinds of people and the soldiers were just silently training hard. Fin also memorized the way the men handled their swords and trained their footwork.

While still numb, one day and then another continued to pa.s.s. He finally realized his insensitivity to danger he has fallen into after more than a month had pa.s.sed.

During that time, he was surviving multiple shifts, his looks were becoming like that of a “gravestone”, and those soldiers who used to call him “little chicken boy” are now properly calling him by his name. But still, he remembered that the delicate part of him of that day remained.

What made him remembered such, was just one girl.

When Fin was walking to his own room in the barrack hallways, he heard a woman’s scream from the room along the way. However, Fin didn’t pay it any mind. It’s a common thing here. The voice was a bit loud because they probably forgot to close the door.

When Fin was close enough to clearly hear the voice, he sighed in relief and released the tension in his shoulders. It was just a flirtatious scream. If rape that had gone too far, then someone must stop them to avoid causing trouble, but it didn’t seem like that was necessary this time.

While walking, Fin absentmindedly thought of things such as shutting the door for them when he pa.s.sed or leaving it open would be nicer. Then, the nature of woman’s voice changed.

He guessed from the words pulled from what he heard, it appears that whatever they’re doing ended and the girl was trying to quickly leave. When they b.u.t.ted heads, it became awkward for no particular reason. For a moment, Fin stopped his feet and blinked, but as going back would be foolish, he reconsidered and continued to walk away.

It seemed that the owner of the room wanted to bind the girl. And she rejected it. “If you don’t like it, then leave, idiot. You’re persistent” — the sound of shoving and beating.

In that case, Fin quickened his pace before the girl left and they might pa.s.s each other. However, the girl jumped out from the door the moment he approached the open door.

“Just because I went along with you for a bit, don’t get too carried away! The next time your perverted tastes appear, I’m going to grind up that precious sword!”

The girl, baring her teeth like a beast and yelling, was carrying something to her chest. As soon as she ran away, she b.u.mped into Fin and raised her face in surprise.

“&h.e.l.lip;!?”

In that moment, all of his emotions returned back to him. Eyes wide from the impact and lips quivering in despair.

He recognized this girl from his past with disheveled hair that clung to a dirty face when she raised her face to him. She was Nellis’ friend. The memory of half a year ago vividly came back to his mind.

It was the time he went to pay homage at the shrine. The weather was very sunny and comfortable. Nellis and the girl were separated from their respected family and they were whispering about some kind of cheerful secrets. The two would sometimes peek a glance in his direction and giggle — That Nellis, she’s once again spreading unnecessary rumors&h.e.l.lip;.

A heavy lump fell from his chest. Fin forgot to breathe and and merely stared pitifully at the girl who had completely changed before his eyes.

The girl also seemed to recognize Fin. At first, it was a hateful glare, but she was taken back with eyes wide open and broke down crying right there — in the next moment, she had on a prost.i.tute’s m.a.s.o.c.h.i.s.tic smile on her face.

“You also came”

Heh She a.s.sessed Fin with a rude look.

“If you have any business with me, call me. And of course, I will be getting something in return”

“&h.e.l.lip;&h.e.l.lip;&h.e.l.lip;&h.e.l.lip;&h.e.l.lip;.”

Fin was going to say something, but his mouth became dry and tongue unmovable. The girl was hugging her chest, but when Fin saw her jute bag filled with wheat, he was abruptly hit with a pain that would make one want to cry.

The instant Fin’s face became strained, the girl brandished the bag and swung at the side of his face with all her might. It was like she wanted to stop his expression from coming out.

“What! What kind of face is that! You got a problem!?”

The girl in a shrill voice screamed, hitting Fin two to three times.

“Aren’t you the same as me, you’re&h.e.l.lip;&h.e.l.lip;Don’t look, DON’T LOOK! Don’t look at meee!!”

At the last scream, she was already crying. After that, she violently pushed Fin aside and ran away, without giving him any time to say anything.

As Fin was standing absentmindedly in the hallway, the still naked man called out to him from the room.

“What, do you know her?”

“&h.e.l.lip;&h.e.l.lip;&h.e.l.lip;&h.e.l.lip;..Yes”

“Hmph“

The man said apathetically, and when he approached Fin barefoot, he slapped his face.

“Well, that’s a pitiful to do. Don’t put on such a gloomy face”

“Pitiful”, it was the first time Fin heard this word in the barracks and looked at the man in surprise. Furthermore, Fin didn’t understand who was pitiful in this situation.

The man gazed at Fin’s face that was struck with bewilderment and shock, and his mouth bent into a smirk.

“Ya can’t forget the good ol’ days. Yer probably didn’t think ya would’va become such a miserable thing. Aaah, she probably won’t be comin’ back anymore&h.e.l.lip;. And I liked her though. And it’s all yer fault, ya weak moron”

He said such a one-sided argument for his own convenience, slapped Fin’s face once again, and returned back to his room, yawning. He probably wanted to go back to bed.

Bang When he closed the door behind him, the hallway was dead silent.

Fin felt like he had become like a dead tree, standing still there for a long time. But eventually, when life returned back starting from the tips of his toes, a clear will came boiling up with a strong force from the bottom of his stomach.

(I have to get out of here)

He couldn’t afford to allow this kind of habit to continue to grow. If he is here, sooner or later, he too will become like the rest of the senior soldiers: an empty sh.e.l.l merely counting the days until his next shift.

(At this rate, I won’t have a future)

Eventually Nanais will fall. Whether it be from being unable to secure a food supply or fuel, or the protectors of the wall go to the dark depths of h.e.l.l one by one, or being overrun by the beasts of the darkness.

The citizens and former soldiers should all understand this fact. But everyone is pretending not to see this danger. Because it’s pointless thinking about it. Because there’s nothing but to be in despair. The reason being if one averts one’s eyes and merely thinks of how to live each day, then someday somewhere help may come — even it it’s from Death’s kind hands.

But I’m different Fin became aware of himself. Gulp Fin held his breath and tightly grasped his fist. It’s fine. I still have strength. I still have a will.

(I can’t just wait for the situation to change. I will change it, with my own hands)

He didn’t know if the change will be good or bad, but he had to do something.

Though as he was in the town, he couldn’t think of a way he could change it from the inside.

For example, even if he threatened or defeated Masod, or even if he recovered the former army corps’ old rules, the results and such wouldn’t last for a long time. It’s the same for the citizens. With their current situation of being invaded every night by the darkness and robbers looking to pillage the boat carrying their food supply, it probably wouldn’t be long before everyone becomes desperate.

(Ah, that’s right. The food supply)

Even if it’s tiny, couldn’t they cultivate a field and raise grain and fruits? If they do it within the walls&h.e.l.lip; If that plan works out smoothly, then probably hope will return. If so, then little by little, they could expand the farmland outside.

(Now the question is: with whom can I consult this?)

The first person to appear in Fin’s mind is the one who he gets orders from and reports to every day. It’s a sad habit he got stuck to. For the first time in a while, Fin had on a cynical grin. Would Masod pay attention to such a discussion?

(That’s probably impossible. In that case, then there’s Master Fianera left)

According to Mayor Atila who was a former army corps soldier, it was only the temple, that after being removed, is now in the outskirts of the town’s area. If he is planning on shifting the thoughts of many people, then consulting Fianera would be the number one thing to do.

Alright Fin nodded and vigorously ran in the hallway, feeling a nostalgic sensation of returning to his original self. He ran with the purpose to receive permission to go to the temple.