"My duty now being done, I will proceed to narrate something which wild horses could not draw from me for anybody but you.
"To begin with, you have been told that we are building a house, and you know how interested I am in all its details. For example, a pile of bricks had been left on the third floor, which plainly belonged to the cellar. I had to come up on ladders, the hole for the stairways being left open. As the pulley for hoisting and lowering materials was still there, and an empty barrel stood invitingly near, I decided to a.s.sist Nature by lowering those bricks to their final resting-place. I therefore filled the barrel with them, and hooked the barrel on to the pulley.
"Now, Faith, as you have frequently remarked, I am thin, but just how thin I did not realize until I had yanked that barrel of bricks over this yawning aperture. The first thing that attracted my attention was the b.u.mping of my spine against the roof--or ceiling, or whatever was highest in the house.
"I had presence of mind enough to kick at the barrel as I flew past it, so that it wouldn"t dent my white waistcoat. The rope slid with violence through my hands, taking my palms with it. As I was pasted tranquilly against the skylight, and wondering how I was to get down, the problem was at once solved for me, but not to my satisfaction, by the bottom of the d.a.m.ned barrel giving out. Picture to yourself the consequences.
"The bricks being thus left on Mother Earth, I, with indescribable rapidity, having still hold of the rope, pa.s.sed the staves in mid-air, as I hastily descended, lighting in a sitting posture on the pile of bricks. The sensation, Faith and Aubrey, is not pleasant.
"However, I possess a philosophic nature and a sense of humour. I realized that the worst was over, and that I was well out of my sc.r.a.pe.
I therefore released the rope, and fell to examining my bruises. Will you believe it? Those wretched barrel-staves had no more consideration than to descend crushingly upon my unprotected skull, and to remove portions of my ears in so doing.
"I got out of there. I don"t care for new houses, and carpenters may leave bricks on the piano hereafter for all of me.
"I have not told my wife. She is sensitive, and loves me. As neither of these aspersions describe you and Aubrey, I am impelled to state the incident to you, hoping that it may give your ribald selves a moment"s diversion. I called on Lady Mary at the Cambridge, and told this to her, and she laughed until she cried. Then she said:
""Oh, Mr. Jimmie, promise me that you will tell the whole thing to mamma--just as you have told it to me!"
"Imagine telling this to the d.u.c.h.ess of Strowther!
"Again, I repeat, I enjoyed myself on your ranch. I particularly enjoyed seeing Bee do the bucolic.
"Give the enclosed to Billy, and tell the old man to buy something with it to remember me by.
"And with kind remembrances to yourself and Aubrey, I am
"Your slave,
"JIMMIE."
CHAPTER XIII
THE BREAKING UP OF MARY
Prosperity disagrees with some people. But with Mary I have always thought it was jealousy.
As long as we had no one but her, and she practically ran the house and us, too, she was the same faithful, honest, sympathetic soul, who first won our young love at the Waldorf during our honeymoon, but after we came to Peach Orchard and needed old Amos for the horses, and a gardener, and two extra maids in the house, Mary"s thrift took wings, and no Liande de Pougy or Otero could exceed her extravagance in ordering things she did not want, and never could use.
I noticed that the bills were becoming perfectly unbearable, and, never dreaming that our good, faithful Mary could be at fault,--she, who used to declare that she had walked ten blocks to find lettuce at eight cents a head instead of nine, and who never could be persuaded that her time at home was worth far more to me than that extra cent,--I spoke to the grocer and asked him what he meant by such prices.
"It isn"t the prices, Mrs. Jardine--it"s the quant.i.ty you have been ordering. Are you running a hotel?"
"No," I said. "Not that I know of."
"Well," he answered. "Look here; here"s three gallons of olive-oil you"ve ordered in one week."
"Three gallons!" I gasped. "You mean three bottles."
"No, ma"am! Three gallons!"
"Who ordered it?"
"That there old woman of yours,--the one that cusses so."
"You mean Mary?" I asked, incredulously.
"I don"t know what her name is, but I know her tongue when I hear it.
A white-haired old lady with specs."
"That must be Mary," I mused.
"Well, "m, she said Mr. Jardine ate salad twice a day, and needed lots of oil."
"So he does," I observed, drily, "but he doesn"t bathe in it."
This pleasantry was quite lost on the grocer, for he hastened to agree with me, with a--
"Sure he doesn"t," and a convincing wag of the head, as who should say, "Let no man accuse my friend, Mr. Jardine, of bathing in olive-oil, while I am about!"
It was very soothing.
"Well, just send it back, Mrs. Jardine," said he, presently, "it"s in gallon cans and sealed."
I went home with wrath in my soul, but intending to modify my bill by at least three gallons of olive-oil. To my horror, however, I found that Mary had opened all three cans, and filled, perhaps, but one cruet from each.
Mary"s face fell when I accusingly pointed this fact out to her.
"I forgot that I had any, Missis dear," she said, humbly. "I know you hate to run out of things."
"So I do," I said, severely, "but ten dollars" worth of olive-oil is rather too much to forget at a time, and there is absolutely no excuse for your opening all three of them."
"I know it, Missis dear."
I opened my mouth to say more, but her penitence, her humility, the sight of her old white head, moved me. "Suppose," I said to myself, "that, in addition to her extravagance, she was as impudent, as brazen, and as defiant as most servants? What would I do then?"
I turned away grateful for small mercies.
Soon after this, we began to take our meals out-of-doors. I had made a little lawn near the house, and surrounded it with a wire fencing, over which sweet peas were climbing. In the centre of this patch of gra.s.s was spread a rug made of green denim, just the colour of the gra.s.s, and on this stood a dinner-table of weathered oak. Here, in fine weather, we took all our meals. Breakfast was served anywhere from six to ten, and by looking from your bedroom windows, you might see a man in white flannels, smoking a cigarette and reading the morning paper over coffee or rolls or a dish of strawberries on thin green leaves.
The women--until they had once tried the open-air breakfast--always preferred their coffee in their rooms. But, if I do say it myself, Peach Orchard at six o"clock in the morning is the most beautiful spot on earth. (The Angel has just thoughtfully observed that for me that is a very moderate statement.)
One day while Lady Mary and Sir Wemyss were with us, I made a lobster salad for them. I always use nasturtium stems in the mayonnaise for a lobster, and mix the blossoms in for garnishing and to serve it with.
This suggested the colour scheme of yellow, so I decorated entirely with nasturtiums, and, beginning with grapefruit, I planned a yellow luncheon throughout.
The Angel had seen me fussing with things in the servants" dining-room, and knew that I had made a salad. I simply mention this to show why I continue to call him the Angel, though the honeymoon has waxed and waned many, many times.