"Swamiji, {FN10-5} I don"t understand what is required of me here.
I am seeking direct perception of G.o.d. Without Him, I cannot be satisfied with affiliation or creed or performance of good works."
The orange-robed ecclesiastic gave me an affectionate pat. Staging a mock rebuke, he admonished a few near-by disciples. "Don"t bother Mukunda. He will learn our ways."
I politely concealed my doubt. The students left the room, not overly bent with their chastis.e.m.e.nt. Dyananda had further words for me.
"Mukunda, I see your father is regularly sending you money. Please return it to him; you require none here. A second injunction for your discipline concerns food. Even when you feel hunger, don"t mention it."
Whether famishment gleamed in my eye, I knew not. That I was hungry, I knew only too well. The invariable hour for the first hermitage meal was twelve noon. I had been accustomed in my own home to a large breakfast at nine o"clock.
The three-hour gap became daily more interminable. Gone were the Calcutta years when I could rebuke the cook for a ten-minute delay.
Now I tried to control my appet.i.te; one day I undertook a twenty-four hour fast. With double zest I awaited the following midday.
"Dyanandaji"s train is late; we are not going to eat until he arrives." Jitendra brought me this devastating news. As gesture of welcome to the swami, who had been absent for two weeks, many delicacies were in readiness. An appetizing aroma filled the air.
Nothing else offering, what else could be swallowed except pride over yesterday"s achievement of a fast?
"Lord hasten the train!" The Heavenly Provider, I thought, was hardly included in the interdiction with which Dyananda had silenced me.
Divine Attention was elsewhere, however; the plodding clock covered the hours. Darkness was descending as our leader entered the door.
My greeting was one of unfeigned joy.
"Dyanandaji will bathe and meditate before we can serve food."
Jitendra approached me again as a bird of ill omen.
I was in near-collapse. My young stomach, new to deprivation, protested with gnawing vigor. Pictures I had seen of famine victims pa.s.sed wraithlike before me.
"The next Benares death from starvation is due at once in this hermitage," I thought. Impending doom averted at nine o"clock.
Ambrosial summons! In memory that meal is vivid as one of life"s perfect hours.
Intense absorption yet permitted me to observe that Dyananda ate absent-mindedly. He was apparently above my gross pleasures.
"Swamiji, weren"t you hungry?" Happily surfeited, I was alone with the leader in his study.
"O yes! I have spent the last four days without food or drink.
I never eat on trains, filled with the heterogenous vibrations of worldly people. Strictly I observe the SHASTRIC {FN10-6} rules for monks of my particular order.
"Certain problems of our organizational work lie on my mind.
Tonight at home I neglected my dinner. What"s the hurry? Tomorrow I"ll make it a point to have a proper meal." He laughed merrily.
Shame spread within me like a suffocation. But the past day of my torture was not easily forgotten; I ventured a further remark.
"Swamiji, I am puzzled. Following your instruction, suppose I never asked for food, and n.o.body gives me any. I should starve to death."
"Die then!" This alarming counsel split the air. "Die if you must Mukunda! Never admit that you live by the power of food and not by the power of G.o.d! He who has created every form of nourishment, He who has bestowed appet.i.te, will certainly see that His devotee is sustained! Do not imagine that rice maintains you, or that money or men support you! Could they aid if the Lord withdraws your life-breath? They are His indirect instruments merely. Is it by any skill of yours that food digests in your stomach? Use the sword of your discrimination, Mukunda! Cut through the chains of agency and perceive the Single Cause!"
I found his incisive words entering some deep marrow. Gone was an age-old delusion by which bodily imperatives outwit the soul.
There and then I tasted the Spirit"s all-sufficiency. In how many strange cities, in my later life of ceaseless travel, did occasion arise to prove the serviceability of this lesson in a Benares hermitage!
The sole treasure which had accompanied me from Calcutta was the SADHU"S silver amulet bequeathed to me by Mother. Guarding it for years, I now had it carefully hidden in my ashram room. To renew my joy in the talismanic testimony, one morning I opened the locked box. The sealed covering untouched, lo! the amulet was gone.
Mournfully I tore open its envelope and made unmistakably sure. It had vanished, in accordance with the SADHU"S prediction, into the ether whence he had summoned it.
My relationship with Dyananda"s followers grew steadily worse. The household was alienated, hurt by my determined aloofness. My strict adherence to meditation on the very Ideal for which I had left home and all worldly ambitions called forth shallow criticism on all sides.
Torn by spiritual anguish, I entered the attic one dawn, resolved to pray until answer was vouchsafed.
"Merciful Mother of the Universe, teach me Thyself through visions, or through a guru sent by Thee!"
The pa.s.sing hours found my sobbing pleas without response. Suddenly I felt lifted as though bodily to a sphere uncirc.u.mscribed.
"Thy Master cometh today!" A divine womanly voice came from everywhere and nowhere.
This supernal experience was pierced by a shout from a definite locale. A young priest nicknamed Habu was calling me from the downstairs kitchen.
"Mukunda, enough of meditation! You are needed for an errand."
Another day I might have replied impatiently; now I wiped my tear-swollen face and meekly obeyed the summons. Together Habu and I set out for a distant market place in the Bengali section of Benares. The ungentle Indian sun was not yet at zenith as we made our purchases in the bazaars. We pushed our way through the colorful medley of housewives, guides, priests, simply-clad widows, dignified Brahmins, and the ubiquitous holy bulls. Pa.s.sing an inconspicuous lane, I turned my head and surveyed the narrow length.
A Christlike man in the ocher robes of a swami stood motionless at the end of the road. Instantly and anciently familiar he seemed; my gaze fed hungrily for a trice. Then doubt a.s.sailed me.
"You are confusing this wandering monk with someone known to you,"
I thought. "Dreamer, walk on."
After ten minutes, I felt heavy numbness in my feet. As though turned to stone, they were unable to carry me farther. Laboriously I turned around; my feet regained normalcy. I faced the opposite direction; again the curious weight oppressed me.
"The saint is magnetically drawing me to him!" With this thought, I heaped my parcels into the arms of Habu. He had been observing my erratic footwork with amazement, and now burst into laughter.
"What ails you? Are you crazy?"
My tumultuous emotion prevented any retort; I sped silently away.
Retracing my steps as though wing-shod, I reached the narrow lane.
My quick glance revealed the quiet figure, steadily gazing in my direction. A few eager steps and I was at his feet.
"Gurudeva!" {FN10-7} The divine face was none other than he of my thousand visions. These halcyon eyes, in leonine head with pointed beard and flowing locks, had oft peered through gloom of my nocturnal reveries, holding a promise I had not fully understood.
"O my own, you have come to me!" My guru uttered the words again and again in Bengali, his voice tremulous with joy. "How many years I have waited for you!"
We entered a oneness of silence; words seemed the rankest superfluities. Eloquence flowed in soundless chant from heart of master to disciple. With an antenna of irrefragable insight I sensed that my guru knew G.o.d, and would lead me to Him. The obscuration of this life disappeared in a fragile dawn of prenatal memories.
Dramatic time! Past, present, and future are its cycling scenes.
This was not the first sun to find me at these holy feet!
My hand in his, my guru led me to his temporary residence in the Rana Mahal section of the city. His athletic figure moved with firm tread. Tall, erect, about fifty-five at this time, he was active and vigorous as a young man. His dark eyes were large, beautiful with plumbless wisdom. Slightly curly hair softened a face of striking power. Strength mingled subtly with gentleness.
As we made our way to the stone balcony of a house overlooking the Ganges, he said affectionately:
"I will give you my hermitages and all I possess."
"Sir, I come for wisdom and G.o.d-contact. Those are your treasure-troves I am after!"
The swift Indian twilight had dropped its half-curtain before my master spoke again. His eyes held unfathomable tenderness.