In truth, I had little hope of it, but it was bad enough that Constantius must drag a wife halfway across the Empire; he should not have to deal with an invalid. But deep down I understood that for any of the nostrums with which well-meaning people were plying me to work, I had to trulywant to get well.
In a few moments Philip was back, standing aside as an old woman came into the room. Even before I saw her face, senses long unused were sending a p.r.i.c.kle of shock across my skin. As the woman began to unwrap her basket, I realized it had beenrecognition .
One moment she was an old, bent woman in a tattered shawl, like a hundred others who came to sell their wares in the town. In the next, she had gathered the glamour around her, and stood in all her majesty before me, seeming almost too tall for the room. Philip"s eyes widened.
"Lady-" Without thinking, I had risen to my feet, head bowed in salutation. Then anger flared through me and I straightened. "What are you doing here !"
Philip, bless him, took a protective step forwards. I bit back my next words.
"I could ask the same question of you," said Ganeda, "shut away within these walls! We must talk.
Come out into the light and the air."
"I have been ill-" I began, automatically on the defensive.
"Nonsense-you will never be better if you curl up like a lapdog! Come!" a.s.suming obedience, she started through the door.
Eldri jumped down from the couch, growling faintly, and my lips twitched in the beginnings of a smile. At least in the atrium we would be less likely to be overheard. Motioning to Philip to stay inside, I picked up my shawl and followed her.
"So, what have I done to deserve this honour?" I asked dryly, seating myself on a stone bench and indicating that Ganeda should do the same.
"Stayed alive..." the High Priestess answered starkly. "The plague has come to Avalon."
I stared at her in horror. How could that be possible? The holy isle was separated from the world.
"A girl from Londinium was sent to us for training. She was ill by the time she arrived. We did not recognize the sickness, and by the time word of the plague had reached us it was too late to stop the contagion. Four of the maidens and six of the senior priestesses have died."
I licked dry lips. "Not Dierna?"
Fractionally, Ganeda"s grim expression lightened. "No. My granddaughter is well." I listened as she gave the names of those who had succ.u.mbed, women with whom I had shared the unique intimacy of ritual, some who had cared for and taught me, and others whom I had taught in turn... and Aelia.
I shut my eyes against the tears I could feel leaking out beneath my eyelids, drawing hot tracks across my cheeks. If I had not left Avalon I could have nursed her, I thought numbly. I had saved Philip, for whom I felt no more than kindness, surely my love would have kept Aelia in the world. Or perhaps the plague would have taken me too. In that moment both fates seemed equally desirable.
"I thank you for coming to tell me..." I said at last.
"Yes, I know you loved her," the priestess answered tersely, "but that is not why I have come. You are needed by Avalon."
At that, my eyes flew open. "How... generous..." Through stiff lips I got out the words. "You are desperate, so now you will welcome me back again!" I rose to my feet, the shawl slipping from my shoulders, and began to pace back and forth along the path. "No." I turned to face her. "You severed my link to Avalon. During that first moon, when the wound was yet bleeding, you might have called me back again. Now there is only a scar."
Ganeda shrugged impatiently. "The link can be restored. It is your duty to return."
"Duty!" I exclaimed. "What about my duty to Constantius?"
"He has no legal authority over you, nor are you linked in the flesh since you have lost the child-"
"Is that all you can understand?" I cried, hands crossed protectively before my empty womb. "What of the bonds that link the heart and the soul?What of the prophecy ?"
"Do you think that justifies your rebellion?" Ganeda sniffed scornfully. "A simple attack of l.u.s.t would have been more forgivable, my dear-"
"I don"t need your forgiveness! I don"twant it!" I could hear my voice rising, and fought for control. "You had the right to banish me, but not to jerk me back and forth like a child"s pull-toy on a string. It was you, not I, who cancelled my oaths to Avalon. Nor shall I break the vows I have sworn to Constantius. I lost this child, yes, but there will be another. I haveseen the babe in my arms!"
Ganeda contemplated me sourly. "When we planned that ritual, Arganax calculated the movements of the stars. We know what they would have destined for a child conceived in that Beltane ritual. Who knows what the child you bear to Constantius will do? I tell you now that there may come a day when you wish he had never been born!"
I lifted one eyebrow and looked down at her. "Oh-I see. It is wrong for me to set my will above yours, but you are perfectly justified in setting yours above that of the G.o.ds! Did you not teach us yourself that the Fates weave our lives as they will, not as you or I would have it? My son will not be the tool of Avalon!"
"Then you had better pray that he will at least know how to serve the G.o.ds!"
"Can you doubt it?" I exclaimed in my pride. "He will be the son of the Restorer of the Light and a Priestess of Avalon!"
"I do not doubt the G.o.ds," Ganeda answered very quietly, "but a long life has taught me not to put my trust in men. I wish you well, daughter of my sister." Leaning heavily on her staff she got to her feet, and now she looked truly old.
"Wait," I said despite myself. "You have had a long journey and I have offered you no refreshment-"
But Ganeda only shook her head. "You shall be troubled no longer, either by me or by Avalon..."
I understood her words, but as I watched her go it seemed to me that the memory of this conversation would haunt me for a long time to come.
Whether it was because my healing was complete or Ganeda"s challenge had stimulated me, I do not know, but from that time onward my energy began to return. I took a more active part in preparing to move the household, and when, a few days before we were scheduled to take ship for the continent, Conscantius mentioned that he had to ride out into the countryside to bid farewell to one of his father"s cousins, I asked if I could come along.
As our sailing date approached, I found myself viewing Eburac.u.m with new eyes. I had not been there long enough to think of it as home, but it was nonetheless part of Britannia, which I was so soon to lose.
Still, the town itself was Roman, not British, and only along the river could I feel the spirits of the land. In the countryside, I would surely sense them more easily, and be able to make my farewells.
Constantius had rented a two-wheeled cart for the journey, drawn by the faithful red mule. The land here was low and rolling, rising gradually to the west, where mountains lay on the horizon, more sensed through the misty air than seen. On the second day we came to Isurium, the old tribal capital of the Brigantes, which was now a thriving market town. Isurium lay in the bend of the Abus, just before the road crossed the river once more.
Flavius Pollio had retired here after a successful career in Eburac.u.m and was now a magistrate. He was clearly delighted to show off his newly-built townhouse, particularly the mosaic of Romulus and Remus with the wolf which adorned his dining room floor.
"I see that your little dog appreciates fine artwork," said Pollio, flipping a bit of roast mutton to Eldri, who had flopped down next to the mosaic of the b.i.t.c.h-wolf as if to join the twins in nursing from her dugs. I blushed.
"I am sorry-she always sits at my feet when we dine at home. She must have got out of our bedchamber-"
"No, no-let her stay. We are not formal here." Pollio smiled at me. "This is a country of G.o.ddesses and queens, and ladies have their privileges... Cartimandua, you know-" he added when I looked inquiring.
"She held the Brigante lands for Rome, even when her husband rebelled." He shook an admonishing finger at Constantius. "Let that be a warning to you, my boy. A man is only strong when his wife is behind him!"
Now it was Constantius"s turn to colour, always a notable sight with his fair skin. "Then I must be Hercules," he answered, but I shook my head.
"No, my dear, you are Apollo."
He blushed even more brightly then, and I laughed.
When the meal was over, the two men retired to Pollio"s study to go over the papers Constantius had come to see, and I took Eldri out for a walk through the town. After a day and a half of jolting in the cart and a heavy meal, I needed exercise, and soon found myself striding through the gate towards the open country beyond the town.
Here in the north country the day lingered longer than I was used to. A ground fog was rising from the fields, catching the sunset light so that it looked as if skeins of golden flax had been laid across the land.
Soon after I crossed the bridge I saw a cowpath leading away to the west and turned off the road. With Eldri to guide me I had no real fear of being lost, even if the mist should thicken as darkness fell.
My steps slowed as I went on, for at last I had found the solitude I was seeking. The air had the peculiar hush one finds at dawn and at sunset, broken only by the cawing of three crows flying towards their roost, and the distant lowing of a line of cattle moving towards the milking shed and home.
I came to a halt, hands lifting in instinctive adoration. "Brigantia, Exalted One, holiness upwelling! Lady of this land, I am soon to fare across the sea. Grant me your blessing, G.o.ddess, wherever my wanderings may lead..."
The stillness deepened, as if the land itself were listening. Although the air was cooling rapidly, I felt on my cheek a breath of warmth, as if the earth were giving back the last heat of the day. Eldri scampered up the road, more energetic than I had seen her for some time. The white tuft of her tail wagged as it did when she was on an interesting scent, and I hurried to follow her.
I reached the top of the rise just in time to see her white form disappearing into the alder thicket that edged the right side of the road.
"Eldri! Come back here!"
The dog did not turn, and I began to run, calling again. I could see now that a path led through the thicket, barely wide enough for me to force my way through.
The meadow beyond it was hazed with gold. Through the glimmer of ground mist I glimpsed Eldri, trotting towards a pillar of dark stone. I stopped short, staring. There were three of them, s.p.a.ced across the meadow in an uneven row, about the width of a forum apart. I had seen megaliths before, but never any as tall as these, nearly the height of the columns in the Temple of Serapis"s portico.
"Eldri, be careful," I whispered, but I should have remembered that she was a faerie dog, accustomed to marvels, for she sat down before the nearest, panting, and waited for me to catch up with her.
"Well, my dear one, what have you found?"
The dog c.o.c.ked her head and then turned back to the pillar, watching it expectantly. Slowly I circled it, out of habit moving sunwise. The stone was very dark, more smoothly finished than was usual for one of the works of the ancients, narrowing slightly towards the top, which was marked by several grooves.
Orange and white lichens spread lacy swathes across the dark surface. I understood the purpose of circles like the one upon the Tor, but I could not imagine why these three pillars had been erected here.
Very softly I approached and set my two palms against the stone. The surface was cold, but I let my awareness move out through my hands and into the rock, seeking the flow of energy that rooted it to the earth below.
It was not there. Instead, I felt as if I were holding onto some firm object while floating, except that the thing I held was floating too, as if I had taken a boat to the centre of the Lake to go swimming there. The sensation was rather pleasant, like the dislocation of trance, and for me, starved for over a year of such sensations, far too seductive. I let out my breath in a long sigh, allowing my awareness to sink ever more deeply into the stone.
For a timeless moment I knew nothing but sensation. Then I realized that the sense of vertigo was pa.s.sing. The pillar was once more solid beneath my hands, but as I straightened and looked around me, I realized that the world had changed.
The pillars stood now on an open plain. The golden light of sunset had trans.m.u.ted to a silvery radiance that had neither source nor direction, but was quite sufficient to illuminate the radiant figures that danced in a double helix around the stones. Eldri was running with them, darting in and out among the dancers like a puppy, barking with joy.
I stepped away from the pillar to go after her, and found myself being swept into the dance. Strong hands swung me around, fair faces invited me to join in their laughter. Suddenly my feet were light, the last, dragging exhaustion from my miscarriage vanishing. I felt joyous and free as I had not been since... I had wandered into Faerie.
In that moment I understood how, coming to the stones at sunset, I had opened a doorway between the worlds. Or perhaps it was Eldri who had led me here. Certainly she was gambolling about as if she had shed the years, ecstatic as one who, having been long exiled, returns at last to her home.
I saw her coming to rest at last at the feet of one of the fair folk who stood before the central pillar, and at last the dance cast me up in the same place. With the blood still racing in my veins from the swift motion, I halted, realizing that the person who waited there was the Faerie Queen.
This time she wore the colours of summer"s harvest, a crown of woven wheat and a gown of pale gold.
Eldri was nestled in her arms.
"Lady, how come you here?" I stammered, straightening from my bow.
"Where else should I be?" Her low voice was honeyed with amus.e.m.e.nt.
"But we are far from Avalon-"
"And when you dreamed of it the other night, how far away were you then?" she asked.
"I was there... but it was only a dream."
"Some dreams are more real than what men call reality," the Lady said tartly. "The gateways to Faerie are fewer than the Doors of Dream, and yet there are more than most men believe. One has only to know the times and seasons to find the way."
"Will I be able to find the way from the lands across the sea?" I asked then.
"Even from there, if you have need, though you may see us in another guise in those lands where men know us by other names. Indeed, unless you learn to honour the spirits that dwell in the other lands, you will not prosper there."
And she began to tell me of the beings I should encounter, names and descriptions that dissolved into my awareness, not to be recalled until many months, or even years, had pa.s.sed. In the timeless present of Faerie I had no sense of hunger or fatigue, but at last the Lady ceased her instructions, and it occurred to me that I ought to be returning to the human world.
"My thanks to you, Lady. I will endeavour to do as you say. Now let me take the dog, that she may show me the way home."
The queen shook her head. "Eldri must stay. She is old, and her spirit is bound to this land. She would not survive your journey. Let her remain-she will be happy with me here."
In that land where there is no weeping, nonetheless tears came to my eyes. But the gaze of the Faerie Queen was implacable, and it was true that Eldri looked very happy, nestled in her arms. For the last time, I scratched behind those silky ears. Then I let my hand fall.
"How shall I go back, then?" I asked.
"You have only to walk widdershins around the stone."
I began to move, and with each step the light faded until I found myself standing in the meadow in the gathering darkness, alone.
When I reached the bridge I saw torches bobbing along the main road and found that Constantius had come out to look for me. I told him only that Eldri had run away, and I had been searching for her. He knew how I had loved the dog, and so my sorrow needed no explanation. And that night I found comfort in the shelter of his arms.
A week later, we were on one of Viducius"s ships, bound for the mouth of the Rhenus and Germania.
Part II
THE WAY TO POWER.
CHAPTER EIGHT.
AD 271-2.
To travel on the sea is to move outside time. One sits, with neither tasks nor duties, contemplating the dim grey ribbon of sh.o.r.eline on the horizon, and the ever-changing, undulant landscape of the sea. The scene in the boat"s wake alters as swiftly as the view from the prow, so there is no way to recognize where one has been, and after a time the succession of ridges and valleys begins to repeat itself, so that one wonders if any progress has been made at all.
Still, after a week of travel I could sense a new warmth in the air, and the land wind brought me a scent that I recognized from childhood. Since we had left Eburac.u.m the weather had been fair, with a following wind. The big trading ship wallowed doggedly southward, not even needing to anchor when night fell. But now we were angling towards the sh.o.r.e. I put my arms around the curving prow, leaning out over the water.
"You look like the figureheads I have seen on some Greek vessels," said Constantius behind me. He seemed younger and more st.u.r.dy somehow than I remembered, and I realized for the first time just how much it meant to him to be returning to his real life once more. Thoughtfully, I let him a.s.sist me back to the deck.
"What is that?" I gestured towards the headland, where the grey-green waters of a great river flowed steadily down to mingle with the blue sea.
"It is the Tamesis," said Constantius, beside me. I turned to gaze with new interest at the low, rolling country above the line of sandspits.
"I played on that beach when I was a little child, while my father inspected the watchtower on the point,"