"Do you think I have taken no precautions?" I snapped back at him. "I am your mother! I have distributed letters to be sent out in a week"s time unless a word from me recalls them."
"You will say that word-"
"Or you will murder me, as you did Fausta? I amold , Constantine, and death holds no terrors. Neither threats nor pain will bend my will!"
"Are you still a Christian?" This was not self-interest, but a deeper and more superst.i.tious fear.
I sighed. How could I make him understand?
"I have always wondered why a man who can see only one colour is considered disabled, and yet is praised when he will accept only one deity. I believe that Christ bore the power of G.o.d, and I honour his teachings, but I know that the G.o.ddess in her many guises loves her children as well. Do not try to define me as Christian or Pagan, Constantine." I took a deep breath, remembering the sigil I had seen Josephus of Arimathea inscribe upon the tomb. "I am a servant of the Light. Let that be enough for you."
There was a long silence, and in the end it was Constantine"s gaze that fell.
"I do not understand, Mother-what do you want?"
Even now there was a part of me that longed to take him in my arms and comfort him as I had done so many years ago, but I could not allow it to rule me.
I took a deep breath, and answered gently, "I want my freedom, Constantine..."
At last I understood the error I had made so long ago. We give birth to our children, but we do not create them. In my pride I had believed Constantine to be the justification for my existence, and claimed his sins, as well as his achievements, as my own. I could pray for him, but Constantine was an immortal spirit, and though it was through me that he had come into this world, I must neither take upon myself the fate his deeds had earned, nor blame him for my own.
"But how? What will people say?"
"You may tell them I am dead, for indeed I will be dead to you, and to this world."
"What do you mean? What are you going to do?"
"I will leave the world you know, and make my way to a place where you will never find me. In the chapel of my palace lies the body of a poor woman of this city. You may bury her in that tomb at the Church of Marcellinus and Petrus-one old woman looks much like another, and people will see what they expect to see. Tell whatever tale you like, Constantine, mourn the icon of Helena that you have created to feed your glory. But let me go!"
"You are my mother," he protested, his heavy head turning blindly. "You cannot abandon me..."
"Your mother is dead," I rose to my feet. "You are speaking to a memory."
He reached out, but I had drawn a veil of shadow about me in the way I had learned long ago on Avalon, and his grasping fingers closed on air.
"Mother!" he cried, and then: "My mother is dead, and I am alone!"
Despite my resolution, I felt my own eyes filling with tears. I turned away, shadow into shadow, and hurried from the room. But as I hobbled down the corridor I could still hear the master of the Empire, weeping for the mother he had never really known.
That night, Flavia Helena Augusta pa.s.sed away.
With the help of Cunoarda and one or two other servants who knew the truth about what had happened to Crispus and Fausta and were willing to a.s.sist us, the body of Drusa was placed in my bed, and taken from thence immediately to the embalmers, as word of the death of the Emperor"s mother spread through Rome.
It was very strange to a.s.sist at my own demise, though it was a necessary prerequisite to my resurrection. I was astonished by the tumult of grief that swept the city, even knowing that the people were not mourning me, but an icon of Saint Helena that was more than half the creation of Constantine"s propagandists. Perhaps I had done some good in the city, but I did not recognize this worker of miracles.
The air around the palace grew heavy with perfume from the flowers that people had heaped before the doors, already hung with cypress as a sign of mourning. Indeed, it was said that there was not a flower to be had in Rome, so many had been offered here and at impromptu shrines all over the city.
In all this, Constantine was the chief mourner, exchanging his purple for funeral white, his features gaunt with anguish. No one could have doubted his sorrow, and indeed, I believe that he convinced himself that the shrouded body in the chapel truly was his mother. Even if I changed my mind there was no turning back from my decision. I had hurt Constantine too badly, and he would see me dead in truth if I tried a public resurrection.
Bishop Sylvester was to be my executor, a.s.sisted in the distribution of my goods by Cunoarda. I had provided for her generously, and we had planned that I would wait at Ostia until she could join me. But I was seized with a morbid desire to observe my own obsequies, and disguised in my peasant clothes, I took refuge in the modest rooms near the Church of Marcellinus and Petrus that I had rented as a part of my disguise.
On the eighth day after my "death", Bishop Sylvester celebrated my funeral ma.s.s. The great Lateran cathedral was crowded, for all the notables of the city were in attendance, whether or not they were Christian. The poorer folk, myself among them, crowded around the entrance. The tall doors were open, and from within one could hear the echo of singing and catch an occasional whiff of incense. But on the whole, I was relieved not to have to listen to the eulogies.
When it was finally over, the funeral procession emerged to carry the cedarwood coffin the short distance to the sarcophagus waiting at the Church of Marcellinus and Petrus. Constantine walked before the bier, barefoot, with his sons beside him. I could see Cunoarda among the veiled women who followed it. The crowd surged after, weeping, and I was borne along with the rest.
I had never quite understood the Christian att.i.tude towards bones. The pagan Romans had had a horror of pollution, and required that their dead be buried outside the city. The roads that led out of every Roman city were lined with tombs. The tombs of heroes and emperors were separate mausoleums, where the offerings of pilgrims sustained them on their progression towards G.o.dhood. Even in Palestine, people honoured the tombs of the patriarchs. The graves of the great rooted their people in the land.
But the Christian dead were buried in the churches, in the midst of the cities. Already, every Christian church with any pretension to grandeur had itsmartyrium , where the body of some saint who by being murdered had achieved instant holiness was enshrined. But the ending of the persecutions had cut off the supply of martyrs. I wondered if they would be forced to take the bodies apart to make them go further-a finger bone in one place and a foot in some other church miles away? Bishop Macarius was right. People hungered for some physical evidence that their faith existed in this world as well as in heaven. But at some point they would have to learn to do without such tangible links. I suppressed a cackle of hysterical laughter at the image of G.o.d attempting to gather up all these scattered bits in order to restore the bodies of the saints at Judgment Day.
Of course the most famous tomb of all was empty, and I had my doubts about the graves of some of the apostles, after so many years. So perhaps I should not trouble myself over the fact that the bones in this sarcophagus would not be mine. What would matter was the fact that people believed my body was there. And if their prayers lifted the poor soul whose corpse had become my subst.i.tute more swiftly towards heaven, that was surely no more than I owed her, whose death had set me free.
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE.
AD 329.
"To be dead is not so terrible. Indeed, I am feeling livelier every day." I gave Cunoarda a rea.s.suring smile.
We had considered pa.s.sing me off as her mother, but the Empress"s freedwoman was well known, and it seemed wiser to say that I was an old British servant called Eilan. It would have been amusing to watch her trying to avoid giving me an order if I had not known how much it troubled her. She was thirty now, and although she was no longer a girl, her red hair and round figure would have been handsome were it not for the anxious frown. My will had provided her with enough money to buy herself a nice little estate anywhere in the Empire and a husband to go with it if she so desired. Each day that she stayed with me I was humbled by her loyalty.
Almost two months had now pa.s.sed since we took ship from Ostia in the grey dawn of an early summer day. In Ma.s.silia we had purchased a modest carriage and begun the long journey north to Britannia.
"You are truly feeling stronger?" asked Cunoarda.
I nodded. I had not realized how the stiff robes and ceremony of my old ident.i.ty had weighed upon me.
Without them I felt lighter in body and spirit, and the shortness of breath that had plagued me in Rome had almost disappeared. I took a deep breath of the hay-scented air, as if I could drink in the sunlight.
Soon , I thought,I will become so light I will float away .
To be sure, floating would have been a more comfortable mode of transportation. The route we had chosen led up the valley of the Rhoda.n.u.s from Arelate to Lugdunum, and from there, through the fields and hills of Gallia. Unfortunately, the condition of the road in any given section was dependent on the dedication of the magistrates responsible for it. A year ago I would have refused to stir without a well-upholstered litter and a team of soft-footed Nubians to carry it, but I was enduring the jolting of the carriage surprisingly well.
If I had known how much I would enjoy my freedom, I thought then, I would have made my escape years ago. But years ago, I reminded myself grimly, I had still been hoping to save the Empire through my son.
Now I began to recognize the hills around Treveri. To stop here was a risk, but I doubted that anyone would look twice at an old woman with a sun-browned face beneath her broad hat, wrapped in a mended shawl.
Even as we crossed the old bridge over the Mosella and wound through the town I could see changes.
The palace that I had given to Crispus had been partially demolished, and was being rebuilt as a double cathedral. By now, the frescoes of the imperial women which had decorated his nuptial chambers probably lay in fragments under the new floor.
The woman who kept the inn where we took lodgings was a fount of gossip. From her we learned that the baths where Fausta had died were now the property of the bishop. The exercise hall was being converted into another church, and the rest of the buildings knocked down.
n.o.body said so, but clearly they thought that Constantine was trying to buy enough prayers to purge the memory of his crimes. But it was Crispus"s memory that was being purged. The people of Treveri had loved their young governor, and resented the fact that the statues and inscriptions that once had honored him had not been restored.
And it had been many months since I had heard from his wife, Helena.
"Remember, until we know the situation you are to let me do the talking-" Cunoarda glanced nervously back down the street. Save for a slave who was sweeping the horse-droppings from in front of his master"s door it was empty. It was always possible that someone in the Emperor"s service was having Cunoarda followed, but we had seen no signs of it during the long days on the road.
I pulled my veil down to hide my features. "I understand."
The house of Lena"s parents was in a quiet street near the outskirts of Treveri, lined by well-kept houses, though the area where we stood had not been swept recently, and there was a chip in the plaster of the wall near the door. It seemed a long time before our knocking was answered, and the door was opened by a girl with her hair tied up in a rag as if she had been cleaning.
Cunoarda and I traded looks. We had been admitted by a doorkeeper when we were here before. But from somewhere deeper in the house I could hear the happy laughter of a child.
"Is your master or your mistress at home?"
"Caecilia Justa is lying down. She has been ill."
"Or the Lady Helena-is she here?"
The girl looked at us with sudden suspicion, and then, evidently deciding that Cunoarda had an honest face, nodded. "She is in the atrium, with the child."
As we pa.s.sed through the hallway I glimpsed the altar to the ancestrallares with an oil lamp burning before it, and realized that like many in the old aristocracy, the family held to the traditional religion.
Though they had clearly fallen on hard times, the household was trying to maintain decent standards. The worn flagstones that paved the atrium were clean, the flowers in the earthenware pots had been watered and pruned.
On the other side of the fountain a small girl was playing, her fair hair flashing from gold to ash as she skipped in and out of the sunlight. By now she must be almost four years old. This, I thought, was a true child of Constantius"s line. What would her future be when Fausta"s black-browed offspring came to power?
I wanted to scoop her into my arms, but I remained hidden behind my veil. "I am dead, I told myself,I have no right to her now .
As we entered, the woman who had been watching her turned on her bench to greet us. Crispus"s wife was even thinner than she had been when I saw her before, but she was still beautiful. Her shadowed gaze fixed on Cunoarda.
"I remember you. You came here with the Empress."
Cunoarda nodded uncomfortably. "My mistress charged me to fulfil certain commissions she did not wish recorded publically in her will. I have brought you a draft for a banker here in Treveri to provide for the little girl."
Lena"s eyes rilled with tears. "Blessed be her memory! I am sorry now that I did not reply to her last letter, but I was afraid. Crispus is avenged, but that woman won. Everyone knows that we are in disgrace, and we have been ostracized. My father died last autumn, and we have had to learn to sc.r.a.pe by."
"Then I am glad to bring you the Empress"s legacy," said Cunoarda. We sat down on the other bench, and the maidservant brought a tray of preserved fruit and a pitcher of barley-water, very welcome on so warm a day. Though Lena might be thin, she no longer seemed so fragile, as if adversity had brought out a strength she had never needed before.
"I wish money was my only concern," said Lena. "With my father dead, my mother is under the authority of my uncle. He is willing to take her in, but Crispa and I are a liability which even a legacy cannot negate. I fear it will only make me more attractive to one of the farmers to whom he has offered me... I no longer care what happens to me," she added bitterly, "but what about my little girl, when her only choices are safety as a farmer"s drudge or death if she tries to claim her heritage in Rome?"
I could bear it no longer. Cunoarda gasped as I leaned forwards, throwing back my veil. "She has another heritage..."
Lena"s eyes grew huge, and for a moment I thought she would faint.
"But you died in Rome..."
"I died to Rome," I corrected. "By revealing myself now I place my life in your hands. Listen to me, Lena-you and Crispa are all that is left to me of my grandson, who was the beloved of my heart. I am going where even the Emperor will not follow. Do you have the courage to come with me?"
I could feel Cunoarda radiating disapproval at my side. She had never really believed we could escape together, and no doubt counted our chances even smaller burdened with this fragile woman and a child.
A flush of colour suffused Lena"s cheeks and then drained away, leaving her even paler than before. "I always wondered," she whispered, "why Crispus wanted to marry me. He was so glorious and brave, and I was always afraid. But I see that the time has come to prove myself worthy. We will go with you, my lady, whether it be to the Hesperides or Hades!"
"It is to the Hesperides that we shall travel, my dear," I said softly, "to the apple isle of Avalon..."
Crispa, sensing her mother"s emotion, came skipping over to stand at Lena"s knee, her gaze straying from our faces to the candied figs on the table and back again.
"Crispa," I said softly. "Do you remember me?"
She frowned a little, and then for a moment I saw an ancient soul looking out of her blue eyes.
"You are my mother," she lisped. Lena and Cunoarda exchanged worried glances, but I reached out to take the small warm hand.
"Yes, perhaps I was, but in this life I am your otheravia , little one," I said softly. "Would you like to take a journey with me?"
By the time we arrived at Ganuenta, there were new silver threads in Cunoarda"s red hair. But if the Emperor"s agents were watching us, they had orders not to interfere. When we reached the Rhenus at Mogontiac.u.m we sold the horse and carriage and took pa.s.sage on a barge carrying timber. It was a pleasant way to travel, and the drama of the gorge just north of the town moved even Cunoarda to wonder. The greatest danger was that Crispa, who clambered all over the barge with the agility of a monkey, would fall overboard.
The Rhenus carried us swiftly past the outposts Rome had built to guard the border. As we drifted by Colonia I gazed at the wall where Constantius had told me we must part, and realized that the old wound to my heart had finally healed. These days I had only to close my eyes to call up his image, and relive the times of our happiness.
Sometimes, when I sat thus, I would hear Lena whispering to her daughter to be quiet, for old people sleep often and should not be disturbed. But these days it was not sleep that claimed me, but the waking dream called memory. Crispus cuddled, warm and golden, in my arms, as real as the little daughter I saw when I opened my eyes. When I lay in my bunk on the barge, Constantius stretched out beside me, telling me what he had been doing during our years apart. Even Constantine came to me at times in the shape of the boy he had been before he became infected with that disease called Empire. And as our journey continued, I was visited more and more often by the folk of Avalon.
Very quickly I learned not to mention these ghostly encounters. At worst, my companions thought my mind was wandering, and at best it made them uncomfortable. Fortunately Lena had improved in health and strength with every mile away from Treveri, and she and Cunoarda had forged an alliance. Anyone who resisted Cunoarda"s blunt competence could usually be impressed by Lena"s aristocratic manner, and I found that I could leave the ordering of our journey in their hands.
Why had no one ever told me that old age held gifts as well as pains? As a child, I had wondered why the old priestesses looked so content as they dozed in the sun. They knew, I thought, smiling. And sometimes, as I hovered on the threshold between sleep and lucid dreaming, I seemed to glimpse people and scenes that I recognized from some other lifetime. Little Crispa was the only one I could talk to when these far-memories lay heavy upon me, for the very young have just come in over the threshold which the old are about to cross, and at times she remembered the life we had shared before.
Then the moment would pa.s.s, and she would be darting away, Leviyah panting at her heels, to hang over the rail and watch the green waters rush by, and I would be abandoned, though not alone.
In Ganuenta I had hoped to visit Nehalennia"s shrine, but they said that a flood some years back had damaged it, and the ground was unsafe now that the river"s course had changed. My first thought was to endow a new temple. After contributing to so many Christian churches, surely that was the least I could do for the G.o.ddess who had guided me for so long. But such an act might have aroused unwelcome questions, and the funds that remained to me were needed to support the two women whom I now spoke of as my daughters, and the child.
If Nehalennia was being forgotten, I alone could not restore her worship. I reminded myself that the G.o.ddess is ever constant and ever changing. When in the slow cycle of years men realized their need for her once more, surely Nehalennia would return. But that night I wept in the darkness, grieving for something lovely and precious that had gone out of the world.
We came to Britannia in the season of harvest, when the air was scented with curing hay and the songs of the reapers rang across the fields of nodding grain. The crossing had been a rough one, and even I found the jolting of a carriage a relief after being tossed about for three days at sea.
"Britannia seems small," said Cunoarda, looking out at the gentle alternations of wood and field beyond the rounded shoulders of the downs.
"I suppose it is, considering how far we have come. No doubt Londinium will seem little, compared to Rome. But I know the scent of that hay, and the way the power flows through the land."
"This is still a very different country from my home," she said with a sigh. "I was taken in a raid by a rival clan when I was not much older than little Crispa. I have memories of slopes purple with heather, and the baaing of the sheep as they came down from the hills. But I cannot see my mother"s face. I think perhaps she died when I was small."
"Then I shall be your mother, Cunoarda-"
"Oh, but that was only a part of our disguise, while we are on the road-" She flushed to the roots of her hair. "You are-"
I laid a finger to her lips. "I am only Eilan, now, and I have reason to know that the children of one"s body are not always the children of one"s heart." Gazing at that familiar strong-boned face, I was amazed that through all those years when I had thought myself dest.i.tute of love, I had not noticed the treasure that lay beneath my hand.
"I never imagined... I never dared..." She shook her head, sniffing and wiping her eyes on her sleeve.
"Oh my lady-my mother! You gave me my freedom, but I was still empty. Now you have given me a soul!"
I opened my arms then and held her until her sobs had ceased.
In my will, I had bequeathed the house in Londinium to Cunoarda, and she had written from Treveri to tell the tenant she was coming there to live. When we arrived, the place was empty-indeed, it was practically without furnishings, and Cunoarda and Lena spent a busy day in the market-place purchasing bedding and kitchen gear.