"Not at all," I replied in a lofty manner. "I am here through no fault of my own. And I"d thank you to have Hannah take your clothes off my bed."
She gave me a bitter glanse.
"I never knew it to fail!" she said. "Just as everything is fixed, and we"re recovering from you"re being here for the Holadays, you come back and stir up a lot of trouble. What brought you, anyhow?"
"Meazles."
She snached up her ball gown.
"Very well," she said. "I"ll see that you"re quarentined, Miss Barbara, all right. And If you think you"re going to slip downstairs tonight after dinner and WORM yourself into this party, I"ll show you."
She flounsed out, and shortly afterwards mother took a minute from the Florest, and came upstairs.
"I do hope you are not going to be troublesome, Barbara," she said. "You are too young to understand, but I want everything to go well tonight, and Leila ought not to be worried."
"Can"t I dance a little?"
"You can sit on the stairs and watch." She looked fidgity. "I--I"ll send up a nice dinner, and you can put on your dark blue, with a fresh collar, and--it ought to satisfy you, Barbara, that you are at home and posibly have brought the meazles with you, without making a lot of fuss.
When you come out----"
"Oh, very well," I murmured, in a resined tone. "I don"t care enough about it to want to dance with a lot of Souses anyhow."
"Barbara!" said mother.
"I suppose you have some one on the String for her," I said, with the ABANDON of my thwarted Hopes. "Well, I hope she gets him. Because if not I darsay I shall be kept in the Cradle for years to come."
"You will come out when you reach a proper Age," she said, "if your Impertanence does not kill me off before my Time."
Dear Dairy, I am fond of my mother, and I felt repentent and stricken.
So I became more agreable, although feeling all the time that she does not and never will understand my Temperment. I said:
"I don"t care about Society, and you know it, mother. If you"ll keep Leila out of this room, which isn"t much but is my Castle while here, I"ll probably go to bed early."
"Barbara, sometimes I think you have no afection for your Sister."
I had agreed to honesty January first, so I replied.
"I have, of course, mother. But I am fonder of her while at school than at home. And I should be a better Sister if not condemed to her old things, including hats which do not suit my Tipe."
Mother moved over magestically to the door and shut it. Then she came and stood over me.
"I"ve come to the conclusion, Barbara," she said, "to appeal to your better Nature. Do you wish Leila to be married and happy?"
"I"ve just said, mother----"
"Because a very interesting thing is happening," said mother, trying to look playfull. "I--a chance any girl would jump at."
So here I sit, Dear Dairy, while there are sounds of revelery below, and Sis jumps at her chance, which is the Honorable Page Beres ford, who is an Englishman visiting here because he has a weak heart and can"t fight.
And father is away on business, and I am all alone.
I have been looking for a rash, but no luck.
Ah me, how the strains of the orkestra recall that magic night in the theater when Adrian Egleston looked down into my eyes and although ostensably to an actress, said to my beating heart: "My Darling! My Woman!"
3 A. M. I wonder if I can controll my hands to write.
In mother"s room across the hall I can hear furious Voices, and I know that Leila is begging to have me sent to Switzerland. Let her beg.
Switzerland is not far from England, and in England----
Here I pause to reflect a moment. How is this thing possible? Can I love to members of the Other s.e.x? And if such is the Case, how can I go on with my Life? Better far to end it now, than to perchance marry one, and find the other still in my heart. The terrable thought has come to me that I am fickel.
Fickel or polygamus--which?
Dear Dairy, I have not been a good girl. My New Year"s Resolutions have gone to airey nothing.
The way they went was this: I had settled down to a quiet evening, spent with his beloved picture which I had clipped from a newspaper.
(Adrian"s. I had not as yet met the other.) And, as I sat in my chamber, I grew more and more desolate. I love Life, although pessamistic at times. And it seemed hard that I should be there, in exile, while my Sister, only 20 months older, was jumping at her chance below.
At last I decided to try on one of Sis"s frocks and see how I looked in it. I though, if it looked all right, I might hang over the stairs and see what I then scornfully termed "His Nibs." Never again shall I so call him.
I got an evening gown from Sis"s closet, and it fitted me quite well, although tight at the waste for me, owing to Basket Ball. It was also to low, so that when I had got it all hooked about four inches of my LINGERIE showed. As it had been hard as anything to hook, I was obliged to take the scizzors and cut off the said LINGERIE. The result was good, although very DECOLLTE. I have no bones in my neck, or practicaly so.
And now came my moment of temptation. How easy to put my hair up on my head, and then, by the servant"s staircase, make my way to the seen below!
I, however, considered that I looked pale, although Mature. I looked at least nineteen. So I went into Sis"s room, which was full of evening wraps but emty, and put on a touch of rouge. With that and my eyebrows blackend, I would not have known myself, had I not been certain it was I and no other.
I then made my way down the Back Stairs.
Ah me, Dear Dairy, was that but a few hours ago? Is it but a short time since Mr. Beresford was sitting at my feet, thinking me a DEBUTANTE, and staring soulfully into my very heart? Is it but a matter of minutes since Leila found us there, and in a manner which revealed the true feeling she has for me, ordered me to go upstairs and take off Maidie Mackenzie"s gown?
(Yes, it was not Leila"s after all. I had forgotten that Maidie had taken her room. And except for pulling it somewhat at the waste, I am sure I did not hurt the old thing.)
I shall now go to bed and dream. Of which one I know not. My heart is full. Romanse has come at last into my dull and dreary life. Below, the revelers have gone. The flowers hang their herbacious heads. The music has flowed away into the river of the past. I am alone with my Heart.
JANUARY 14TH. How complacated my Life grows, Dear Dairy! How full and yet how incomplete! How everything begins and nothing ends!
HE is in town.
I discovered it at breakfast. I knew I was in for it, and I got down early, counting on mother breakfasting in bed. I would have felt better if father had been at home, because he understands somwhat the way They keep me down. But he was away about an order for sh.e.l.ls (not sea; war), and I was to bear my chiding alone. I had eaten my fruit and serial, and was about to begin on sausage, when mother came in, having risen early from her slumbers to take the decorations to the Hospital.
"So here you are, wreched child!" she said, giving me one of her coldest looks. "Barbara, I wonder if you ever think whither you are tending."
I ate a sausage.
What, Dear Dairy, was there to say?