SONGS OF A SAVOYARD
[Ill.u.s.tration]
THE ENGLISHMAN.
He is an Englishman!
For he himself has said it, And it"s greatly to his credit, That he is an Englishman!
For he might have been a Roosian, A French, or Turk, or Proosian, Or perhaps Itali-an!
But in spite of all temptations, To belong to other nations, He remains an Englishman!
Hurrah!
For the true born Englishman!
THE DISAGREEABLE MAN.
If you give me your attention, I will tell you what I am: I"m a genuine philanthropist--all other kinds are sham.
Each little fault of temper and each social defect In my erring fellow creatures, I endeavor to correct.
To all their little weaknesses I open people"s eyes And little plans to snub the self-sufficient I devise; I love my fellow creatures--I do all the good I can-- Yet everybody say I"m such a disagreeable man!
And I can"t think why!
To compliments inflated I"ve a withering reply; And vanity I always do my best to mortify; A charitable action I can skilfully dissect: And interested motives I"m delighted to detect.
I know everybody"s income and what everybody earns, And I carefully compare it with the income tax returns; But to benefit humanity, however much I plan, Yet everybody says I"m such a disagreeable man!
And I can"t think why!
I"m sure I"m no ascetic: I"m as pleasant as can be; You"ll always find me ready with a crushing repartee; I"ve an irritating chuckle; I"ve a celebrated sneer; I"ve an entertaining sn.i.g.g.e.r; I"ve a fascinating leer; To everybody"s prejudice I know a thing or two; I can tell a woman"s age in half a minute--and I do-- But although I try to make myself as pleasant as I can, Yet everybody says I"m such a disagreeable man!
And I can"t think why!
THE MODERN MAJOR-GENERAL.
I am the very pattern of a modern Major-Gineral.
I"ve information vegetable, animal, and mineral; I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights historical, From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical; I"m very well acquainted too with matters mathematical, I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical, About binomial theorem I"m teeming with a lot o" news, With many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse.
I"m very good at integral and differential calculus, I know the scientific names of beings animalculous, In short in matters vegetable, animal and mineral, I am the very model of a modern Major-Gineral.
I know our mythic history--King Arthur"s and Sir Caradoc"s, I answer hard acrostics, I"ve a pretty taste for paradox, I quote in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus, In conies I can floor peculiarities parabolous.
I can tell undoubted Raphaels from Gerard Dows and Zoffanies, I know the croaking chorus from the "Frogs" of Aristophanes, Then I can hum a fugue of which I"ve heard the music"s din afore, And whistle all the airs from that confounded nonsense "Pinafore."
Then I can write a washing bill in Babylonic cuneiform, And tell you every detail of Caractacus"s uniform.
In short in matters vegetable, animal and mineral, I am the very model of a modern Major-Gineral.
In fact when I know what is meant by "mamelon" and "ravelin,"
When I can tell at sight a Cha.s.sepot rifle from a javelin, When such affairs as _sorties_ and surprises I"m more wary at, And when I know precisely what is meant by Commissariat, When I have learn what progress has been made in modern gunnery, When I know more of tactics than a novice in a nunnery, In short when I"ve a smattering of elementary strategy, You"ll say a better Major-Gener_al_ has never _sat_ a gee-- For my military knowledge, though I"m plucky and adventury, Has only been brought down to the beginning of the century, But still in learning vegetable, animal and mineral, I am the very model of a modern Major-Gineral.
THE HEAVY DRAGOON.
If you want a receipt for that popular mystery Known to the world as a Heavy Dragoon, Take all the remarkable people in history, Rattle them off to a popular tune!
The pluck of Lord Nelson on board of the _Victory_-- Genius of Bismarck devising a plan; The humor of Fielding (which sounds contradictory)-- Coolness of Paget about to trepan-- The grace of Mozart, that unparalleled musico-- Wit of Macaulay, who wrote of Queen Anne-- The pathos of Paddy, as rendered by Boucicault-- Style of the Bishop of Sodor and Man-- The dash of a D"Orsay, divested of quackery-- Narrative powers of d.i.c.kens and Thackeray Victor Emmanuel--peak-haunting Peveril-- Thomas Aquinas, and Doctor Sacheverell-- Tupper and Tennyson--Daniel Defoe-- Anthony Trollope and Mister Guizot!
Take of these elements all that are fusible, Melt them all down in a pipkin or crucible, Set them to simmer and take off the sc.u.m, And a Heavy Dragoon is the residuum!
If you want a receipt for this soldierlike paragon, Get at the wealth of the Czar (if you can)-- The family pride of a Spaniard from Arragon-- Force of Mephisto p.r.o.nouncing a ban-- A smack of Lord Waterford, reckless and rollicky-- Swagger of Roderick, heading his clan-- The keen penetration of Paddington Pollaky-- Grace of an Odalisque on a divan-- The genius strategic of Caesar or Hannibal-- Skill of Lord Wolseley in thrashing a cannibal Flavor of Hamlet--the Stranger, a touch of him-- Little of Manfred, (but not very much of him)-- Beadle of Burlington--Richardson"s show; Mr. Micawber and Madame Tussaud!
Take of these elements all that are fusible, Melt them all down in a pipkin or crucible, Set them to simmer and take off the sc.u.m, And a Heavy Dragoon is the residuum!
ONLY ROSES!
To a garden full of posies Cometh one to gather flowers, And he wanders through its bowers Toying with the wanton roses, Who, uprising from their beds, Hold on high their shameless heads With their pretty lips a-pouting, Never doubting--never doubting That for Cytherean posies He would gather aught but roses!
In a nest of weeds and nettles, Lay a violet, half hidden, Hoping that his glance unbidden Yet might fall upon her petals, Though she lived alone, apart, Hope lay nestling at her heart, But, alas! the cruel awaking Set her little heart a-breaking, For he gathered for his posies Only roses--only roses!
THEY"LL NONE OF "EM BE MISSED.
As some day it may happen that a victim must be found, I"ve got a little list--I"ve got a little list Of social offenders who might well be underground, And who never would be missed--who never would be missed!
There"s the pestilential nuisances who write for autographs-- All people who have flabby hands and irritating laughs-- All children who are up in dates, and floor you with "em flat-- All persons who in shaking hands, shake hands with you like _that_-- And all third persons who on spoiling _tete-a-tetes_ insist-- They"d none of "em be missed--they"d none of "em be missed!
There"s the n.i.g.g.e.r serenader, and the others of his race, And the piano organist--I"ve got him on the list!
And the people who eat peppermint and puff it in your face, They never would be missed--they never would be missed!
Then the idiot who praises, with enthusiastic tone, All centuries but this, and every country but his own; And the lady from the provinces, who dresses like a guy, And who doesn"t think she waltzes, but would rather like to try; And that singular anomaly, the lady novelist-- I don"t think she"d be missed--I"m _sure_ she"d not be missed!
And that _Nisi Prius_ nuisance, who just now is rather rife, The Judicial humorist--I"ve got _him_ on the list!
All funny fellows, comic men, and clowns of private life-- They"d none of "em be missed--they"d none of them be missed.
And apologetic statesmen of the compromising kind, Such as--What-d"ye-call-him--Thing"em-Bob, and likewise--Never-mind, And "St--"st--"st--and What"s-his-name, and also--You-know-who-- (The task of filling up the blanks I"d rather leave to _you_!) But it really doesn"t matter whom you put upon the list, For they"d none of "em be missed--they"d none of "em be missed!