Babbitt

"Aw, say, Oscar, listen, will yuh? Say, lis-sen!"

The decayed and drowsy voice of the loafer, the agreeable stink of beer-dregs, threw a spell of inanition over Babbitt. The bartender moved grimly toward the crowd of two men. Babbitt followed him as delicately as a cat, and wheedled, "Say, Oscar, I want to speak to Mr. Hanson."

"Whajuh wanta see him for?"

"I just want to talk to him. Here"s my card."

It was a beautiful card, an engraved card, a card in the blackest black and the sharpest red, announcing that Mr. George F. Babbitt was Estates, Insurance, Rents. The bartender held it as though it weighed ten pounds, and read it as though it were a hundred words long. He did not bend from his episcopal dignity, but he growled, "I"ll see if he"s around."

From the back room he brought an immensely old young man, a quiet sharp-eyed man, in tan silk shirt, checked vest hanging open, and burning brown trousers--Mr. Healey Hanson. Mr. Hanson said only "Yuh?"

but his implacable and contemptuous eyes queried Babbitt"s soul, and he seemed not at all impressed by the new dark-gray suit for which (as he had admitted to every acquaintance at the Athletic Club) Babbitt had paid a hundred and twenty-five dollars.

"Glad meet you, Mr. Hanson. Say, uh--I"m George Babbitt of the Babbitt-Thompson Realty Company. I"m a great friend of Jake Offutt"s."

"Well, what of it?"

"Say, uh, I"m going to have a party, and Jake told me you"d be able to fix me up with a little gin." In alarm, in obsequiousness, as Hanson"s eyes grew more bored, "You telephone to Jake about me, if you want to."

Hanson answered by jerking his head to indicate the entrance to the back room, and strolled away. Babbitt melodramatically crept into an apartment containing four round tables, eleven chairs, a brewery calendar, and a smell. He waited. Thrice he saw Healey Hanson saunter through, humming, hands in pockets, ignoring him.

By this time Babbitt had modified his valiant morning vow, "I won"t pay one cent over seven dollars a quart" to "I might pay ten." On Hanson"s next weary entrance he besought "Could you fix that up?" Hanson scowled, and grated, "Just a minute--Pete"s sake--just a min-ute!" In growing meekness Babbitt went on waiting till Hanson casually reappeared with a quart of gin--what is euphemistically known as a quart--in his disdainful long white hands.

"Twelve bucks," he snapped.

"Say, uh, but say, cap"n, Jake thought you"d be able to fix me up for eight or nine a bottle."

"Nup. Twelve. This is the real stuff, smuggled from Canada. This is none o" your neutral spirits with a drop of juniper extract," the honest merchant said virtuously. "Twelve bones--if you want it. Course y"

understand I"m just doing this anyway as a friend of Jake"s."

"Sure! Sure! I understand!" Babbitt gratefully held out twelve dollars.

He felt honored by contact with greatness as Hanson yawned, stuffed the bills, uncounted, into his radiant vest, and swaggered away.

He had a number of t.i.tillations out of concealing the gin-bottle under his coat and out of hiding it in his desk. All afternoon he snorted and chuckled and gurgled over his ability to "give the Boys a real shot in the arm to-night." He was, in fact, so exhilarated that he was within a block of his house before he remembered that there was a certain matter, mentioned by his wife, of fetching ice cream from Vecchia"s. He explained, "Well, darn it--" and drove back.

Vecchia was not a caterer, he was The Caterer of Zenith. Most coming-out parties were held in the white and gold ballroom of the Maison Vecchia; at all nice teas the guests recognized the five kinds of Vecchia sandwiches and the seven kinds of Vecchia cakes; and all really smart dinners ended, as on a resolving chord, in Vecchia Neapolitan ice cream in one of the three reliable molds--the melon mold, the round mold like a layer cake, and the long brick.

Vecchia"s shop had pale blue woodwork, tracery of plaster roses, attendants in frilled ap.r.o.ns, and gla.s.s shelves of "kisses" with all the refinement that inheres in whites of eggs. Babbitt felt heavy and thick amid this professional daintiness, and as he waited for the ice cream he decided, with hot p.r.i.c.kles at the back of his neck, that a girl customer was giggling at him. He went home in a touchy temper. The first thing he heard was his wife"s agitated:

"George! DID you remember to go to Vecchia"s and get the ice cream?"

"Say! Look here! Do I ever forget to do things?"

"Yes! Often!"

"Well now, it"s darn seldom I do, and it certainly makes me tired, after going into a pink-tea joint like Vecchia"s and having to stand around looking at a lot of half-naked young girls, all rouged up like they were sixty and eating a lot of stuff that simply ruins their stomachs--"

"Oh, it"s too bad about you! I"ve noticed how you hate to look at pretty girls!"

With a jar Babbitt realized that his wife was too busy to be impressed by that moral indignation with which males rule the world, and he went humbly up-stairs to dress. He had an impression of a glorified dining-room, of cut-gla.s.s, candles, polished wood, lace, silver, roses.

With the awed swelling of the heart suitable to so grave a business as giving a dinner, he slew the temptation to wear his plaited dress-shirt for a fourth time, took out an entirely fresh one, tightened his black bow, and rubbed his patent-leather pumps with a handkerchief. He glanced with pleasure at his garnet and silver studs. He smoothed and patted his ankles, transformed by silk socks from the st.u.r.dy shanks of George Babbitt to the elegant limbs of what is called a Clubman. He stood before the pier-gla.s.s, viewing his trim dinner-coat, his beautiful triple-braided trousers; and murmured in lyric beat.i.tude, "By golly, I don"t look so bad. I certainly don"t look like Catawba. If the hicks back home could see me in this rig, they"d have a fit!"

He moved majestically down to mix the c.o.c.ktails. As he chipped ice, as he squeezed oranges, as he collected vast stores of bottles, gla.s.ses, and spoons at the sink in the pantry, he felt as authoritative as the bartender at Healey Hanson"s saloon. True, Mrs. Babbitt said he was under foot, and Matilda and the maid hired for the evening brushed by him, elbowed him, shrieked "Pleasopn door," as they tottered through with trays, but in this high moment he ignored them.

Besides the new bottle of gin, his cellar consisted of one half-bottle of Bourbon whisky, a quarter of a bottle of Italian vermouth, and approximately one hundred drops of orange bitters. He did not possess a c.o.c.ktail-shaker. A shaker was proof of dissipation, the symbol of a Drinker, and Babbitt disliked being known as a Drinker even more than he liked a Drink. He mixed by pouring from an ancient gravy-boat into a handleless pitcher; he poured with a n.o.ble dignity, holding his alembics high beneath the powerful Mazda globe, his face hot, his shirt-front a glaring white, the copper sink a scoured red-gold.

He tasted the sacred essence. "Now, by golly, if that isn"t pretty near one fine old c.o.c.ktail! Kind of a Bronx, and yet like a Manhattan.

Ummmmmm! Hey, Myra, want a little nip before the folks come?"

Bustling into the dining-room, moving each gla.s.s a quarter of an inch, rushing back with resolution implacable on her face her gray and silver-lace party frock protected by a denim towel, Mrs. Babbitt glared at him, and rebuked him, "Certainly not!"

"Well," in a loose, jocose manner, "I think the old man will!"

The c.o.c.ktail filled him with a whirling exhilaration behind which he was aware of devastating desires--to rush places in fast motors, to kiss girls, to sing, to be witty. He sought to regain his lost dignity by announcing to Matilda:

"I"m going to stick this pitcher of c.o.c.ktails in the refrigerator. Be sure you don"t upset any of "em."

"Yeh."

"Well, be sure now. Don"t go putting anything on this top shelf."

"Yeh."

"Well, be--" He was dizzy. His voice was thin and distant. "Whee!" With enormous impressiveness he commanded, "Well, be sure now," and minced into the safety of the living-room. He wondered whether he could persuade "as slow a bunch as Myra and the Littlefields to go some place aft" dinner and raise Cain and maybe dig up smore booze." He perceived that he had gifts of profligacy which had been neglected.

By the time the guests had come, including the inevitable late couple for whom the others waited with painful amiability, a great gray emptiness had replaced the purple swirling in Babbitt"s head, and he had to force the tumultuous greetings suitable to a host on Floral Heights.

The guests were Howard Littlefield, the doctor of philosophy who furnished publicity and comforting economics to the Street Traction Company; Vergil Gunch, the coal-dealer, equally powerful in the Elks and in the Boosters" Club; Eddie Swanson the agent for the Javelin Motor Car, who lived across the street; and Orville Jones, owner of the Lily White Laundry, which justly announced itself "the biggest, busiest, bulliest cleanerie shoppe in Zenith." But, naturally, the most distinguished of all was T. Cholmondeley Frink, who was not only the author of "Poemulations," which, syndicated daily in sixty-seven leading newspapers, gave him one of the largest audiences of any poet in the world, but also an optimistic lecturer and the creator of "Ads that Add." Despite the searching philosophy and high morality of his verses, they were humorous and easily understood by any child of twelve; and it added a neat air of pleasantry to them that they were set not as verse but as prose. Mr. Frink was known from Coast to Coast as "Chum."

With them were six wives, more or less--it was hard to tell, so early in the evening, as at first glance they all looked alike, and as they all said, "Oh, ISN"T this nice!" in the same tone of determined liveliness.

To the eye, the men were less similar: Littlefield, a hedge-scholar, tall and horse-faced; Chum Frink, a trifle of a man with soft and mouse-like hair, advertising his profession as poet by a silk cord on his eye-gla.s.ses; Vergil Gunch, broad, with coa.r.s.e black hair en brosse; Eddie Swanson, a bald and bouncing young man who showed his taste for elegance by an evening waistcoat of figured black silk with gla.s.s b.u.t.tons; Orville Jones, a steady-looking, stubby, not very memorable person, with a hemp-colored toothbrush mustache. Yet they were all so well fed and clean, they all shouted ""Evenin", Georgie!" with such robustness, that they seemed to be cousins, and the strange thing is that the longer one knew the women, the less alike they seemed; while the longer one knew the men, the more alike their bold patterns appeared.

The drinking of the c.o.c.ktails was as canonical a rite as the mixing. The company waited, uneasily, hopefully, agreeing in a strained manner that the weather had been rather warm and slightly cold, but still Babbitt said nothing about drinks. They became despondent. But when the late couple (the Swansons) had arrived, Babbitt hinted, "Well, folks, do you think you could stand breaking the law a little?"

They looked at Chum Frink, the recognized lord of language. Frink pulled at his eye-gla.s.s cord as at a bell-rope, he cleared his throat and said that which was the custom:

"I"ll tell you, George: I"m a law-abiding man, but they do say Verg Gunch is a regular yegg, and of course he"s bigger "n I am, and I just can"t figure out what I"d do if he tried to force me into anything criminal!"

Gunch was roaring, "Well, I"ll take a chance--" when Frink held up his hand and went on, "So if Verg and you insist, Georgie, I"ll park my car on the wrong side of the street, because I take it for granted that"s the crime you"re hinting at!"

There was a great deal of laughter. Mrs. Jones a.s.serted, "Mr. Frink is simply too killing! You"d think he was so innocent!"

Babbitt clamored, "How did you guess it, Chum? Well, you-all just wait a moment while I go out and get the--keys to your cars!" Through a froth of merriment he brought the shining promise, the mighty tray of gla.s.ses with the cloudy yellow c.o.c.ktails in the gla.s.s pitcher in the center. The men babbled, "Oh, gosh, have a look!" and "This gets me right where I live!" and "Let me at it!" But Chum Frink, a traveled man and not unused to woes, was stricken by the thought that the potion might be merely fruit-juice with a little neutral spirits. He looked timorous as Babbitt, a moist and ecstatic almoner, held out a gla.s.s, but as he tasted it he piped, "Oh, man, let me dream on! It ain"t true, but don"t waken me! Jus" lemme slumber!"

Two hours before, Frink had completed a newspaper lyric beginning:

"I sat alone and groused and thunk, and scratched my head and sighed and wunk, and groaned, There still are b.o.o.bs, alack, who"d like the old-time gin-mill back; that den that makes a sage a loon, the vile and smelly old saloon! I"ll never miss their poison booze, whilst I the bubbling spring can use, that leaves my head at merry morn as clear as any babe new-born!"

Babbitt drank with the others; his moment"s depression was gone; he perceived that these were the best fellows in the world; he wanted to give them a thousand c.o.c.ktails. "Think you could stand another?" he cried. The wives refused, with giggles, but the men, speaking in a wide, elaborate, enjoyable manner, gloated, "Well, sooner than have you get sore at me, Georgie--"