Then Mrs. Babbitt tore the decent cloak from her unhappiness and the astounded male discovered that she was having a small determined rebellion of her own.
III
They were beside the fireless fire-place, in the evening.
"Georgie," she said, "you haven"t given me the list of your household expenses while I was away."
"No, I--Haven"t made it out yet." Very affably: "Gosh, we must try to keep down expenses this year."
"That"s so. I don"t know where all the money goes to. I try to economize, but it just seems to evaporate."
"I suppose I oughtn"t to spend so much on cigars. Don"t know but what I"ll cut down my smoking, maybe cut it out entirely. I was thinking of a good way to do it, the other day: start on these cubeb cigarettes, and they"d kind of disgust me with smoking."
"Oh, I do wish you would! It isn"t that I care, but honestly, George, it is so bad for you to smoke so much. Don"t you think you could reduce the amount? And George--I notice now, when you come home from these lodges and all, that sometimes you smell of whisky. Dearie, you know I don"t worry so much about the moral side of it, but you have a weak stomach and you can"t stand all this drinking."
"Weak stomach, h.e.l.l! I guess I can carry my booze about as well as most folks!"
"Well, I do think you ought to be careful. Don"t you see, dear, I don"t want you to get sick."
"Sick rats! I"m not a baby! I guess I ain"t going to get sick just because maybe once a week I shoot a highball! That"s the trouble with women. They always exaggerate so."
"George, I don"t think you ought to talk that way when I"m just speaking for your own good."
"I know, but gosh all fishhooks, that"s the trouble with women! They"re always criticizing and commenting and bringing things up, and then they say it"s "for your own good"!"
"Why, George, that"s not a nice way to talk, to answer me so short."
"Well, I didn"t mean to answer short, but gosh, talking as if I was a kindergarten brat, not able to tote one highball without calling for the St. Mary"s ambulance! A fine idea you must have of me!"
"Oh, it isn"t that; it"s just--I don"t want to see you get sick and--My, I didn"t know it was so late! Don"t forget to give me those household accounts for the time while I was away."
"Oh, thunder, what"s the use of taking the trouble to make "em out now?
Let"s just skip "em for that period."
"Why, George Babbitt, in all the years we"ve been married we"ve never failed to keep a complete account of every penny we"ve spent!"
"No. Maybe that"s the trouble with us."
"What in the world do you mean?"
"Oh, I don"t mean anything, only--Sometimes I get so darn sick and tired of all this routine and the accounting at the office and expenses at home and fussing and stewing and fretting and wearing myself out worrying over a lot of junk that doesn"t really mean a doggone thing, and being so careful and--Good Lord, what do you think I"m made for?
I could have been a darn good orator, and here I fuss and fret and worry--"
"Don"t you suppose I ever get tired of fussing? I get so bored with ordering three meals a day, three hundred and sixty-five days a year, and ruining my eyes over that horrid sewing-machine, and looking after your clothes and Rone"s and Ted"s and Tinka"s and everybody"s, and the laundry, and darning socks, and going down to the Piggly Wiggly to market, and bringing my basket home to save money on the cash-and-carry and--EVERYTHING!"
"Well, gosh," with a certain astonishment, "I suppose maybe you do! But talk about--Here I have to be in the office every single day, while you can go out all afternoon and see folks and visit with the neighbors and do any blinkin" thing you want to!"
"Yes, and a fine lot of good that does me! Just talking over the same old things with the same old crowd, while you have all sorts of interesting people coming in to see you at the office."
"Interesting! Cranky old dames that want to know why I haven"t rented their dear precious homes for about seven times their value, and bunch of old crabs panning the everlasting daylights out of me because they don"t receive every cent of their rentals by three G.M. on the second of the month! Sure! Interesting! Just as interesting as the small pox!"
"Now, George, I will not have you shouting at me that way!"
"Well, it gets my goat the way women figure out that a man doesn"t do a darn thing but sit on his chair and have lovey-dovey conferences with a lot of cla.s.sy dames and give "em the glad eye!"
"I guess you manage to give them a glad enough eye when they do come in."
"What do you mean? Mean I"m chasing flappers?"
"I should hope not--at your age!"
"Now you look here! You may not believe it--Of course all you see is fat little Georgie Babbitt. Sure! Handy man around the house! Fixes the furnace when the furnace-man doesn"t show up, and pays the bills, but dull, awful dull! Well, you may not believe it, but there"s some women that think old George Babbitt isn"t such a bad scout! They think he"s not so bad-looking, not so bad that it hurts anyway, and he"s got a pretty good line of guff, and some even think he shakes a darn wicked Walkover at dancing!"
"Yes." She spoke slowly. "I haven"t much doubt that when I"m away you manage to find people who properly appreciate you."
"Well, I just mean--" he protested, with a sound of denial. Then he was angered into semi-honesty. "You bet I do! I find plenty of folks, and doggone nice ones, that don"t think I"m a weak-stomached baby!"
"That"s exactly what I was saying! You can run around with anybody you please, but I"m supposed to sit here and wait for you. You have the chance to get all sorts of culture and everything, and I just stay home--"
"Well, gosh almighty, there"s nothing to prevent your reading books and going to lectures and all that junk, is there?"
"George, I told you, I won"t have you shouting at me like that! I don"t know what"s come over you. You never used to speak to me in this cranky way."
"I didn"t mean to sound cranky, but gosh, it certainly makes me sore to get the blame because you don"t keep up with things."
"I"m going to! Will you help me?"
"Sure. Anything I can do to help you in the culture-grabbing line--yours to oblige, G. F. Babbitt."
"Very well then, I want you to go to Mrs. Mudge"s New Thought meeting with me, next Sunday afternoon."
"Mrs. Who"s which?"
"Mrs. Opal Emerson Mudge. The field-lecturer for the American New Thought League. She"s going to speak on "Cultivating the Sun Spirit"
before the League of the Higher Illumination, at the Thornleigh."
"Oh, punk! New Thought! Hashed thought with a poached egg! "Cultivating the--" It sounds like "Why is a mouse when it spins?" That"s a fine spiel for a good Presbyterian to be going to, when you can hear Doc Drew!"
"Reverend Drew is a scholar and a pulpit orator and all that, but he hasn"t got the Inner Ferment, as Mrs. Mudge calls it; he hasn"t any inspiration for the New Era. Women need inspiration now. So I want you to come, as you promised."
IV
The Zenith branch of the League of the Higher Illumination met in the smaller ballroom at the Hotel Thornleigh, a refined apartment with pale green walls and plaster wreaths of roses, refined parquet flooring, and ultra-refined frail gilt chairs. Here were gathered sixty-five women and ten men. Most of the men slouched in their chairs and wriggled, while their wives sat rigidly at attention, but two of them--red-necked, meaty men--were as respectably devout as their wives. They were newly rich contractors who, having bought houses, motors, hand-painted pictures, and gentlemanliness, were now buying a refined ready-made philosophy.
It had been a toss-up with them whether to buy New Thought, Christian Science, or a good standard high-church model of Episcopalianism.
In the flesh, Mrs. Opal Emerson Mudge fell somewhat short of a prophetic aspect. She was pony-built and plump, with the face of a haughty Pekingese, a b.u.t.ton of a nose, and arms so short that, despite her most indignant endeavors, she could not clasp her hands in front of her as she sat on the platform waiting. Her frock of taffeta and green velvet, with three strings of gla.s.s beads, and large folding eye-gla.s.ses dangling from a black ribbon, was a triumph of refinement.