Not being desirous to hide under a bushel, I did press myself forward, and addressing a lady whom I took to be the bride, I felicitated her loudly, wishing that she might never become a widow, or use vermilion on her grey head, and that she might wear the iron bangle, and get seven male children.
Unhappily the serene ray of my goodwill was born to blush unseen in the dark unfathomed cave of a desert ear, for the actual recipient of my compliments was an unmarried spinster relative, who had already pa.s.sed the years of discretion.
Mrs ALLb.u.t.t-INNETT welcomed me with cordial effusiveness, insisting that I should honour them by visiting their residence, and critically inspecting the nuptial gifts, to which I consented.
On my arrival, I held a lengthy colloquy with the happy bridegroom, from whom I was anxious to obtain particulars of English marriage customs, such as whether he would be required to spend the evening in having his ears pulled, and other facetious banterings by his mother-in-law and sisters-in-law, as in India.
But he seemed oppressed by so severe a bashfulness that I could extract no information from him, and presently the father of the bride came up and conducted me into an apartment wherein was a kind of bazaar, or exhibition of clocks and lamps and stationery cases and knives and forks and other trinkets and gewgaws, none of which appeared to me at all different from similar objects in shop windows.
However, the greatest admiration and wonderment were expressed by all who entered, and I found that the host was under grave apprehensiveness that the presents might be looted by the more unscrupulous of the guests, for he pointed out to me a sharp-eyed, shy gentleman in a corner, who, he informed me, was a disguised police-officer. This, at first, I was loth to believe, but was a.s.sured that it was a necessary precaution.
Still, I will presume to point out that the simulation by a policeman of the ordinary character of a friend of the family and fellow-rejoicer, is a rather reprehensible trap to catch a sleeping weasel, since those whose honesty is not invariably above par may be lulled into the false security by his civilian get-up. And I did a.s.sure him, privately, that it was totally unnecessary to keep an eye on myself, who was a native University man with no necessity or natural taste for peculation, but that I would infallibly inform him if I should succeed at detecting any attempted dishonesty.
Later I was ushered into the refreshment-room, and partook of a pink ice, with champagne-wine and strawberries, after which I entreated leave of Mrs ALLb.u.t.t-INNETT to deliver a nuptial oration. And she, overjoyed at my happy thought, did loudly request silence for Prince JABBERJEE, who was to utter a few very brief utterances.
So as they became all ears, I addressed them, describing how, in my native country, at such a bridal feast and blow-out, it was customary for the bridegroom"s mother to eat a sevenfold repast, for fear of a subsequently empty stomach; but the bride"s mother, on the contrary, will touch nothing, feeling that the more she fasts then, the more provender will fall to her later on. And I facetiously added that, on the present occasion, I had the certainty that both the mothers might indulge their appet.i.tes _ad libitum_.
Next I recounted how, during a former boyish wedding of my own, my wife"s mother after, as was befitting, setting a conical tinselled cap upon my head, and placing ten rings of twigs upon my ten fingers, and binding my hands with a weaver"s shuttle, did say, "I have bound thee, and bought thee with cowries, and put a shuttle between thy fingers; now bleat then like a lamb." Whereupon I, being of a jokish disposition, did, unexpectedly and contrary to usage, cry "Baa" loudly, causing my mother-in-law to fear that I was a dull--until that night in the Zenana she had the great happiness to overhear me outwitting all the females present by the sprightliness of my badinage.
And I was proceeding, amidst vociferous cachinnation, to enumerate some of my most lively sallies, when the bride"s father did take me by the arm, and drawing me aside, inform me that the young couple were just about to start for their wedding journey, and that I was urgently required to see them depart.
I observed that here, as with us, it is _de regle_ to scatter rice upon the head of the bridegroom--but neither treacle nor spices. Moreover, this complimentary shower is extended to the bride and the carriage-horses, and hurled with athletic vigorousness, while it is a point of honour to knock off the coachman"s hat with a female satin slipper.
I was disappointed to see that both the happy pair had cast aside their gorgeous wedding garments, and put on quite ordinary and everyday attire, which, if not due to excessive parsimoniousness, must originate in a shamefaced desire to conceal their state of connubiality though it might be reasonably antic.i.p.ated that they should rather be anxious to manifest their triumphant good-luck _pro bono publico_.
XV
_Mr Jabberjee is asked out to dinner. Unreasonable behaviour of his betrothed. His doubts concerning the social advantages of a Boarding Establishment, with some scathing remarks upon ambitious pretenders.
He goes out to dinner, and meets a person of some importance._
The pleasing impression produced by this humble self upon both Mister and Mrs ALLb.u.t.t-INNETT at the wedding of their eldest daughter became speedily prolific of golden fruit in the request of the honour of my company for dinner at 8.15 P.M. on a subsequent evening.
Incidentally recounting this prime compliment to my lovely JESSIMINA, I was astounded that she did not share my jubilations, but was, on the contrary, the sore subject at not being included in such invitation, which, as I explained, was totally irrational, seeing that the inviters remained unaware of her nude existence. She, however, maintained that I ought to have mentioned that I was an affianced, and have refused to sit at any banquet at which she was fobbed off with a cold shoulder. This again was absurd, since the moiety of a loaf is preferable to total deprivation of the staff of life, and moreover, in my country, it is customary for the husband-elect to take his meals apart from his bride that is to be; nor does she ever touch food until he has previously a.s.suaged his pangs of hunger. Notwithstanding, she would not be pacified until I had bestowed upon her a gold and turquoise ring of best English workmanship, as an olive-branch and calumet of peace.
But, outside Porticobello House, I have been close as wax on the subject of my flowery chains, and it was especially inconceivable that I should inform my friend HOWARD of same, since he has frequently bantered me in wonderment that a respectable Oriental magnate should reside in such a very ordinary and third-rate boarding establishment, where it was an impossibility to gain any real familiarity with smart and refined English society.
[Ill.u.s.tration: "SOME HAUGHTY MASCULINE MIGHT INSULT HER UNDER MY VERY NOSE."]
And who knows that if I should introduce Miss JESSIE into company of a superior caste, some haughty masculine might insult her under my very nose; and lack-a-daisy! where would she find a protector?
I am certainly oppressed by an increasing dubiety whether Mrs MANKLETOW is verily such an upper crustacean and _habituee_ of the _beau monde_ as she did represent herself to be. It is well-nigh incomprehensible that any individual should seek to appear of a higher social status than Nature has provided; but my youthful acquaintance, ALLb.u.t.t-INNETT, Jun., Esq., informs me that this is a common failing among the English cla.s.ses, who fondly imagine that nothing is needed to render a frog the exact equivalent to an ox except an increased quant.i.ty of air, forgetting that if a frog is abnormally inflated, it is apt to provide the rather ludicrous catastrophe of exploding from excessive swellishness!
However _revenons a nos moutons_--_id est_, the dinner party.
I intended to be the early bird at Prince"s Square, but, owing to a rarity among the hansom cabs, did not arrive until most of the guests were already a.s.sembled, being welcomed with effusive hospitality by the household G.o.d and G.o.ddess, Mr and Mrs ALLb.u.t.t-INNETT, who begged leave to present to me all the most distinguished of their friends.
Then--_pop_, and _a l"improviste_--the door was thrown open, and a butler announced _ore rotundo_, Sir CHETWYND c.u.mMERBUND, whom, in the wink of an eye, I recognised as an ex-Justice of the very court in Calcutta in which my male progenitor practises as a mook-tear, or attorney, and who, moreover, was familiar with myself almost _ab ovo_, having been more than once humbly presented to his notice by my said father, with a request for his patronising opinion of my abilities, and the feasibility of my education at a London Inn of Court!
Oh, my gracious! I was as if to sink through the carpet, and sought to draw in my horns of dilemma behind a column, when, to my uncontrollable dismay, my hostess led him towards me, with the remark that he was probably already acquainted in India with His Highness Prince JABBERJEE.
The Hon"ble Retired Judge at this did merely smile indulgently, observing that India was a country of considerable extensiveness, and inquiring of me in my own tongue where my _raj_ was situated, and the strength of my army, though with a scintillation in his visual organs that told me he knew me perfectly well.
And I, realising that honesty was my best policy of insurance from his displeasure, did throw myself frankly on the mercy of the Court, protesting volubly in native language that I was an industrious poor Bengali boy, and had always regarded him as my beloved father; that I was not to blame because certain foolish, ignorant persons imagined me to be some species of Rajah; and earnestly representing to him that our kind mutual hostess would be woefully distressed by any disclosures.
"Let your Hon"ble Ludship," I said, "only remain hermetically sealed, and preserve this as a trade secret, and my sisters, sisters-in-law, and aunts shall always chant hymns on the Ganges for your Honour"s felicities!"
His Honour, laughing good-naturedly, did tell me that if I liked to a.s.sume the plumes of a daw, it was no affair of his, and kindly promised to respect my confidences--at which I was greatly relieved. Indeed, throughout the evening, nothing could exceed his affability, for, being seated on the other side of the hostess, opposite myself, he showed me the greatest honour and deference, frequently requesting my views on such subjects as Increased Representation of the People of India, the National Congress, and so forth; upon which, being now perfectly rea.s.sured and at my ease, I discoursed with facundity, and did loudly extol the intellectual capacity of the Bengalis, as evinced by marvellous success in pa.s.sing most difficult exams., and denouncing it as a crying injustice and beastly shame that fullest political powers should not be conceded to them, and that they should not be eligible for all civil appointments _pari pa.s.su_, or even in priority to Englishmen.
Wherein his Honour did warmly agree, a.s.suring me with fatherly benignancy of the pleasure with which he would hear of my appointment to be Head of a District somewhere on the Punjab frontier, and mentioning how a certain native Bengali gentleman of his acquaintance, Deputy-Commissioner GRISH CHUNDER De, Esq., M.A., had distinguished himself splendidly (according to the printed testimony of Hon"ble KIPLING) in such a post of danger.
I replied, that I was not pa.s.sionately in love with personal danger, and that in my case _cedant arma togae_, and my tongue was mightier than my sword, but that there was no doubt that we Bengalis were intellectually competent to govern the whole country, provided only that we were backed up from behind by a large English military force to uphold our authority, as otherwise we should soon be the pretty pickles, owing to brutal violence from Sikhs, Rajputs, Marathas, and similar uncivilised coa.r.s.e races.
And Sir CHETWYND expressed his lively satisfaction that I appreciated some of the advantages of the British occupation.
Thus, through my presence of mind in boldly grappling with the nettle, I turned what might have been a disaster into a conspicuous triumph, for all the company, seeing the favour I was in with such a big wig as Hon"ble c.u.mMERBUND, listened to me with spell-bound enchantment, especially my friend HOWARD"S sprightly young sister, a damsel of distinguished personal attractiveness, who was seated on my other side.
Her birth-name is LOUISA-GWENDOLEN; but her family and intimates, so she did inform me, call her "WEE-WEE."
Of the dinner itself I can speak highly, as being inexpressibly superior, both in stylishness of service and for the quality of the food, etc., to any meals. .h.i.therto furnished by Mrs MANKLETOW"S mahogany board. Nevertheless, I wondered to find the ALLb.u.t.t-INNETTS behind the times in one respect, viz., the lighting, which was with old-fashioned candles and semi-obscured lamps, instead of the more modern and infinitely more brilliant illumination of gas! Here, at least, though in other particulars of very mediocre elegance, I must p.r.o.nounce Porticobello House the more up to date.
In taking leave, I did thank Hon"ble Sir CHETWYND c.u.mMERBUND profusely for so discreetly retaining its feline contents within the generous bag of his mouth, whereat he clapped my back very cordially, advising me to abstain for the future from a super-abundance of frills, since the character of a diligent legal native student was a precious lily that needed no princely gilding, and adding that he was indebted to me for a most entertaining and mirthful evening. This I do not understand, as I had not uttered any of the facetious puns and conceits wherewith it is my _wont_--when I _will_[1]--to set the table in a simper.
But possibly I may have spoken rather humorously unawares, and it is proverbial that these exalted legal luminaries are pleased with a rattle and tickled by a straw.
On my return I did omit to mention Miss WEE-WEE to JESSIMINA; but, after all, _cui bono_?
FOOTNOTE:
[1] This is a fairly sample specimen, though I have frequently surpa.s.sed it in waggish drollery.--_H. B. J._
XVI
_Mr Jabberjee makes a pilgrimage to the Shrine of Shakespeare._
I have frequently spoken in the flattering terms of a eulogium concerning my extreme partiality for the writings of Hon"ble WILLIAM SHAKSPEARE. It has been remarked, with some correctness, that he did not exist for an age, but all the time; and though it is the open question whether he did not derive all his ideas from previous writers, and even whether he wrote so much as a single line of the plays which are attributed to his inspired nib, he is one of the inst.i.tutions of the country, and it is the correct thing for every orthodox British subject to admire and understand him even when most incomprehensible.
Consequently I did c.o.c.k-a-hoop for joy on receiving an invitation from my friend ALLb.u.t.t-INNETT, Jun., Esq., on behalf of his parents, that I should accompany them on an excursion by rail to Stratford-upon-Avon, where the said poet had his domicile of origin.
And so great was my enthusiasm that, during the journey, I declaimed, _ore rotundo_, certain select pa.s.sages from his works which I had committed to memory during the salad days of my schoolboyishness, and with such effect that Miss WEE-WEE ALLb.u.t.t-INNETT (who is excessively emotional) was compelled, at times, to veil her countenance in the recesses of a pocket-handkerchief.
Having at length arrived at that hallowed and sacred spot, the very name of which sends a sweet and responsive thrill through every educated bosom, our first proceeding was to partake of a copious cold tiffin.
This repast we ordered at an old-fashioned hostelry, whose doorway was decorated by a counterfeit presentment of the Bard, and I observed that similar effigies were placed above several of the shops as I walked along the streets. These images somewhat resemble those erected to Buddha in certain parts of India, being similarly bald, but terminating--not in crossed legs, but a cushion with ta.s.sels. However, I was not able to discover that it is the custom for even the most ignorant inhabitants to do anything in the nature of poojah before these figures any longer, though probably usual enough before CROMWELL, with the iron sides, ordered all such baubles to be removed. In a hole of the upper wall of the Town Hall there is a life-size statuary of SHAKSPEARE, with legs complete, showing that he was not actually deficient in such extremities and a mere gifted Torso: and it is presumable that the reason why only his upper portions are generally represented is, that marble in these parts is too precious a commodity to be wasted on mere superfluities.