_Mr Jabberjee distinguishes himself in the Bar Examination, but is less successful in other respects. He writes another extremely ingenious epistle, from which he antic.i.p.ates the happiest results._
I am happy to announce that I have pa.s.sed the _pons asinorum_ of Bar Exam with facility of a needle penetrating the camel"s eye. _Tant mieux!_ Huzza! Tol-de-rol-loll!!!
[Ill.u.s.tration: "HUZZA! TOL-DE-ROL-LOLL!"]
My dilatoriness in publishing this joyful intelligence is due to fact that I have only recently received official information of my triumph, which my family are now engaged in celebrating at Calcutta with paeans of transport, illuminations, fireworks, an English bra.s.s band, and delicacies supplied (on contract system) from Great Eastern Hotel.
And yet so great was my humility that, when I entered Lincoln"s Inn Hall one Monday shortly before 10 A.M., and received pens, some foolscaps, and a printed exam paper on the Law of Real and Personal Property and Conveyancing, I was at first as melancholy as a gib cat, and like to eat my head with despair!
So much so that I began my answers by pathetically imploring my indulgent father examiner to show me his bowels of compa.s.sion, on ground that I was an unfortunate Bengalee chap, afflicted by narrow circ.u.mstances and a raging tooth, and that my entire earthly felicity depended upon my being favoured with qualifying marks.
However, on perusal of the paper, I found that, owing to diligent cram and native apt.i.tude for nice sharp quillets of the law, I could floor it upon my _caput_, being at home with every description of mortgage, and having such things as reversions and contingent remainders at the extremities of my finger-ends.
In the afternoon I was again examined in Law and Equity, answering nearly every question with great copiousness and best style of composition, quoting freely from Hon"ble SNELL and UNDERHILL to back my opinion. Unhappily, I lost some of my precious time because, finding that I was required by the paper to "discuss" a certain statement, I left my seat in search of some pundit with whom I might carry on such a logomachy. And even now I fail to see how one individual can discuss a question in pen and ink, any more than a single hand is capable of making a clap. Which I gave as my reason for not attempting the impossible.
The ordeal endured for four days. In the Roman Law department, I was on the spot with _Stillicidium_ and similar servitudes, and in Criminal Law I did vastly distinguish myself by polishing off an intricate legal problem about Misters A., B. and C., and certain bicycles, though, as I stated in a _postscriptum_, not being the practical cyclist, I could not be at all responsible for the accuracy of my solution, and hinted that it was somewhat _infra dig._ for such solemn dry-as-dusts as the Council of Legal Education to take any notice at all of these fashionable but flimsy mechanisms.
When called up for _viva voce_ purposes, I dumb-foundered my examiner by the readiness and volubility of my responses, to such an extent that, after asking one question only, he intimated his complete satisfaction, and I divined by his smiles that he was secretly determined to work the oracle in my favour.
And so I arrived at the pretty Pa.s.s by dint of flourishing my trumpet.
But, heigho! some fly or other is the indispensable adjunct of every pot of ointment, and while I was still jumping for joy at having pa.s.sed the steep barrier of such a Rubicon, there came a letter from Miss JESSIMINA which constrained me to cachinnate upon the wrong side of nose!
It appeared that, pursuant of my request, she had been to call upon Hon"ble Sir CHETWYND, who had duly informed her that I was not the genuine Rajah or any kind of real Prince, nor yet a Croesus with unlimited cash.
Here, if Hon"ble c.u.mMERBUND had stopped, or represented me as a worthless riddance of bad rubbish, all would have been well; but most unhappily he did exceed his instructions, and added that I was of respectable, well-to-do parentage, and very industrious young chap with first-cla.s.s abilities, and likely to obtain lucrative practice at native Bar.
JESSIMINA wrote that she hoped she was not so mercenary as to be attracted by mere rank, and that it was enough for her that I was in the position to maintain her as a lady, so she would continue to hold me to my promise of marriage, and if I still declined to perform, she would be reluctantly compelled to place the matter in hands of lawyer.
On seeing that my second attempt to spoof was similarly the utter failure, I became like pig in poke with perplexity, until I was suddenly inspired by the ebullient flash of a happy idea, and taking up my _penna_, inscribed the following epistle:
MAGNANIMOUS AND EVER ADORABLE JESSIMINA!
I am immensely tickled with flattered complacency at your indomitable desire to become the bride of such a man of straw as this undeserving self, and will no longer offer any factious opposition to your wishes.
But in the intoxicating ardour of my billing and cooing I may have omitted to mention that, when I have led you to the Hymeneal altar, you will not be alone in your glory. As a Koolin Brahmin, I am, by laws of my country, ent.i.tled to about thirty or forty spouses, though, owing to natural timidity and economical reasons, I have not hitherto availed myself of said privilege.
However, when that I was a little tiny boy, I was compelled by family pressure to contract matrimony with an equally juvenile female of eight, and, though circ.u.mstances have prevented the second ceremony being celebrated on arriving at the more mature age of discretion, such infant marriage is notwithstanding the binding affair.
What of it? Your overwhelming affection will render you totally indifferent to the unpleasant side of your position as a _sateen_ or rival wife, though it is the antipode of the bed of roses, especially under internecine feuds and perpetual snipsnaps with sundry aunts and sisters-in-law of mine of rather nagging idiosyncracies. But ignorance of language will probably blind your sensitive ears to the sneering and ill-natured tone of their remarks.
I can only say that I am quite ready (if you insist upon it) to fulfil my contract to best ability, and undertake the heavy burden which Providence has, very injudiciously, saddled upon my feeble back. Mr CHUCKERb.u.t.tY RAM, of 15 Jubilee Terrace, Clapham, was present at my first wedding, and will doubtless certify to same on application.
Ever yours faithfully and devotedly,
H. B. J.
In writing the above, I was well aware that there is a strong prejudice in the mind of European feminines in favour of monogamy, and my letter (as will be seen by the intelligent reader) was rather cleverly composed so as to shift the burden of breach of contract from my shoulders to hers.
So that I rubbed my hands with gleeful jubilation on receiving her reply that she was astounded with wonderment at the sublimity of my cheek in supposing that she would play the subordinate fiddle to any native wife, and that she had communicated with CHUCKERb.u.t.tY RAM, Esq., and if my statement _re_ infant marriage (which at present she suspected to be a mere spoof) proved correct, she would certainly decline my insulting offer.
Now as it is the undeniable fact that I was wedded when a mere juvenile, I shall save my brush from this near shave--provided that Mr CHUCKERb.u.t.tY RAM has received my tip in time and does not, like Hon"ble c.u.mMERBUND, go beyond his instructions.
But this is not reasonably probable, Baboo CHUCKERb.u.t.tY RAM being a tolerably discreet, subtle chap.
XXI
_Mr Jabberjee halloos before he is quite out of the Wood._
Being (to my best of belief) satisfactorily off with the old love, I naturally became as playful as a kitten or gay as a grig. For the most superficial observer, and with the half of a naked optic, could easily discern the immeasurable superiority of Miss WEE-WEE to JESSIMINA in all the refinements and delicacies of a real English lady, and although, up to present date, the timidity of girlishness has restrained Miss ALLb.u.t.t-INNETT from reciprocating my increasing spooniness, her parents and brother are of an overwhelming cordiality, and repeatedly mention their ardent hope that I may become their guest up in the hills some time this autumn.
So that Hope is already recommencing to hop jauntily about the secret chamber of my heart.
For, seeing the magnanimous contempt for the sn.o.bbishness of chasing a tuft that actuates their bosoms, I am no longer apprehensive that their affection for this present writer will be at all impaired by the revelation that he is merely a member of nature"s n.o.bility. Rather the contrary.
As Poet BURNS remarks with great truthfulness, "_Rank is but a penny stamp and a Man is a Man and all that._" Nevertheless, for the present, I am resolved to remain mum as a mouse.
Since I am now in their pockets for a perpetuity, I was privileged on a recent evening to escort the ALLb.u.t.t-INNETT ladies to the Empire of India Exhibition, upon which I shall now p.r.o.nounce the opinion of an expert, though s.p.a.ce forbids me to describe its mult.i.tudinous marvels, save with the brevity of a soul of wit.
In the Cinghalese Palace we beheld a highly pious _Yogi_ from Ceylon, who had trained himself to perform his devotions with one of his legs embracing his neck, or walking upon the caps of his knees with his toes inserted into his waistband. But I am not convinced that such a style of prayer-making is at all superior in reverence to more ordinary att.i.tudes, especially when exhibited publicly for an _honorarium_.
I feel proud to narrate that, at Miss WEE-WEE"S urgent entreaties, I subdued my native funkiness so far as to make the revolution of the Gigantic Wheel, in spite of grave apprehensions that it would prove but a house of cards, or suddenly become totally immobile--though to pa.s.s interminable hours at a lofty att.i.tude with such a lively companion might, on secondary thoughts, have possessed pleasing saccharine compensations. Nevertheless, I was relieved when we descended without having hitched anywhere, and I did most firmly decline to fly in the face of Providence for five shillings in the basket of a captive balloon.
The Indian street is constructed with cleverness, but gives a very, very inadequate idea of the princ.i.p.al Calcutta thoroughfares; moreover, to cultivated Indian intellects, the fuss made by English ladies over native artisans and mechanics of rather so-so abilities and appearance seems a little ludicrous!
After dining, we witnessed the Historical Spectacle of India in the Empress Theatre, and Miss WEE-WEE made the criticism that the fall of Somnath was accomplished with a too great facility, since its so-called defenders did lie down with perfect tameness and counterfeit death immediately the army of Sultan MAHMUD galloped their horses through the gateway.
But this appeared to me rather a typical and prudent exercise of their discretion.
It seems--though (in spite of extensive historical researches) I was in previous ignorance of the fact--that Sultan MAHMUD, the Great Mogul AKBAR, and SIVAJI, the Mahratta Chief, were each taken in tow and personally conducted by a trio of Divine Guides, respectively named Love, Mercy and Wisdom, who came forward whenever nothing of consequence was transpiring, and sang with the melodiousness of Paradisiacal fowls.
As for the representation of the Hindu Paradise, I shall confess to some disappointment, seeing that it was exclusively reserved to military masculines--the more highly educated civilian cla.s.s of Baboos being left out of the cold altogether! Nor am I in love with a future state in which there is so much dancing up and down lofty flights of stairs with terpsich.o.r.ean energy, and manoeuvring in companies and circles with members of the softer s.e.x. As a philosophical conception of disembodied existence, it is undeniably deficient in repose, though perhaps good enough for ordinary fighting chaps!
I spent a rapturous and ripping evening, however, greatly owing to the condescension of Miss WEE-WEE, who exhibited such entertainment at my comments that I left under the confident persuasion that I was infallibly to be the favoured swain.
On returning to Hereford Road, I found a last letter from JESSIMINA, beseeching me, for the sake of "Old Langsyne," to meet her on the following evening at Westbourne Park Station, and mentioning that certain events had occurred to change her views, and she was now only desirous for an amicable arrangement.
Accordingly, perceiving that I had no longer any reason to dread such an encounter, and not wishing her to peak and pine through my unkindness, I wrote at once accepting the _rendezvous_.
When I duly turned up, lo and behold! I found she was escorted, not only by her eagle-eyed mother (JESSIMINA herself inherits, in _Hamlet"s_ immortal phraseology, "an eye like Ma"s, to threaten or command"), but also by a juvenile individual with a black neck-tie and Hebrew profile, whom she formerly introduced to me as Mr SOLOMONS.
Though a little hurt by this proof of the rapidity of feminine fickleness, I began to congratulate her effusively on having obtained such an excellent subst.i.tute for my worthless self, and to wish the happy couple all earthly felicities, when she explained that he was not a _fiance_, but merely a sort of friend, and Mrs MANKLETOW severely added that they had come to know whether I still declined to fulfil my legal contract.
Naturally I made the answer that I had recently offered to fulfil same to best ability, but that, my offer having been declined with contumeliousness, the affair was now on its end.