_Queen"s Bench Court, No. ----,_ 10.20 A.M.
The eventful morn of my trial for Breach of Promise has at length arrived, and I am resolved to jot down on the exterior of my brief such t.i.ttles as take place. I have taken my seat in Court on one of the benches reserved for long-robed juniors; in my immediate rear being my solicitor, SIDNEY SMARTLE, Esq., who will officiate as my Remembrancer and Friend in Need.
[Ill.u.s.tration: "FRESH AS A DAISY, AND FINE AS A CARROT FRESH Sc.r.a.pED."]
In the Great Hall below I had the pleasure to encounter Miss JESSIMINA and that worthy Madam her Mamma, being prepared to greet them with effusive kindness, and a.s.sure them I was only a hostile in my professional capacity. Whether they were struck with awe by the unaccustomed majesty of my appearance in brand-new wig, bands, &c., in which I am fresh as a daisy, and fine as a carrot fresh sc.r.a.ped, or whether they simply did not recognise me in the disguis.e.m.e.nt of such toggeries, I am not to decide--but they pa.s.sed by without responding visibly to my salutations.
10.25.--A stout, large Q.C., with luxuriant cheek-whiskers has just entered the row in front. Mister SMARTLE whispers to me that this is WITHERINGTON, whom I refused to engage, and who is now in opposition.
I have taken the undue liberty to pluck him by the sleeve and introduce myself in straightforward English style to his honourable notice, acquainting him that his unfortunate client had a very flimsy case, and was not deserving of success, while myself was a meritorious Native Neophyte, whose entire fortune was impaled on a stake, and urging him not to show too windy a temper to such a shorn lamb as his pet.i.tioner.
However, he has declined rather peremptorily to lend me his ears, nor can I induce his learned junior, who is my next neighbour, to show me any fraternal kindness. My said solicitor is highly indignant at my treatment, and warns me in an undertone that I am not to make any further overtures to such stuck-up individuals.
10.30.--Hon"ble Mister Justice HONEYGALL enters in highly dignified fashion. He is of a bland, benignant, and intensely clean aspect, which uplifts my downfallen heart, for it is obvious, from his benevolent and smiling bow to myself that he already feels a paternal interest in my achieving the conquest of my spurs.
The jury are taking the oath. Whether any of my co-contributors to _Punch_ are among them I cannot discover, since they do not vouchsafe to encourage me by the freemasonry of even a surrept.i.tious simper. But this is perhaps occasioned by over prudence.
The learned junior on my right has risen, and in shockingly bald and barren verbiage has stated the issues which are to be tried, and, being evidently no Heaven-born orator, sits abruptly down, completely gravelled for lack of a more copious vocabulary. A poor tongue-tied devil of a chap whom I regard with pity!
WITHERINGTON, Q.C., is addressing the jury. He is not a tongue-tied, but he speaks in a colloquial, commonplace sort of fashion which does not shed a very brilliant l.u.s.tre upon boasted British advocacy.
Though of an unromantic obesity, it appears from the excessive eulogies he lavishes upon JESSIMINA that he is already the tangled fly in the web of her feminine enchantments. What a pity that such a prominent barrister should be so unskilled in seeing through such a millstone as the female heart!
He is persisting in making most incorrect and uncomplimentary allusions to my undeserving self, which it is impossible that I am to suffer without rising to repudiate with voluble indignation! However, though he makes bitter complaints of my interruptions, he does me the honour to refer to me as his friend, for which I thank him with a gratified fervour, a.s.suring him that I reciprocate his esteem.
Hon"ble Judge has just tendered me the kindly and golden advice that, unless I sit down and remain hermetically sealed, the case will infallibly continue for ever and anon, and that I am not to advance my interests by disregarding the customary etiquettes of the Bar.
11.5.--JESSIMINA is giving her testimony. Indubitably she has greatly improved in her physical appearance since I was a resident of Porticobello House, and her habiliments are as fashionably ladylike (if not more so) than Miss WEE-WEE"S own! Alack! that she should relate her story with so many departures from ordinary veracity. Her pulchritude and well-a.s.sumed timidity have captivated even the senile Judge, for, after I have risen and vehemently contradicted her in various unimportant details, he has actually barked at me that, unless I wait until it is my turn to cross-examine he will take some very severe measure with me at the rising of the Court! A pretty specimen of judicial impartiality!
1.30 P.M.--The Court has risen for lunch at the conclusion of a rather severe cross-examination by myself of the fair plaintiff, and, not being oppressed by pangs of hunger, I have leisure to record the result--which, owing to the partisanship of Hon"ble Bench, the disgracefully complicated state of the laws of Evidence, and Miss JESSIMINA"S ingenuity in returning entirely wrong answers to my searching interrogatories, did not attain to the sanguine level of my expectations.
For instance, when I asked her whether it was not the fact that I was notoriously deficient in physical courageousness, she made the unexpected reply that she had not observed it, and that I had frequently described to her my daring achievements in sticking wild pigs and shooting man-eating tigers.
Also she entirely refused to admit that the turquoise and gold ring I had given her was not in token of our betrothal, but merely to compensate her for not being invited as well as myself to a certain fashionable dinner-party; and the Judge (interrupting in the most unwarrantable manner) said that, as he did not understand that I seriously denied the existence of an engagement to marry, he was unable to perceive the bearings of my query.
Again, I reminded her of her mention of the gift of a china model of Poet SHAKSPEARE"S birthplace, and required her--on her oath--to answer whether it had not been originally intended for another lady, and whether, having accidentally seated myself upon it, I had not decided to bestow the _disjecta membra_ upon herself instead.
To which she replied, with artfully simulated emotion, that all she knew was that I had a.s.sured her at the time that the said piece of china had been expressly purchased for herself as a souvenir of my ardent affection, and she had accepted it as such, and carefully restored it with some patent cement.
Before this the Judge had asked me how I could expect the plaintiff to know what was pa.s.sing in the tortuous recesses of my own mind, and informed her that she need not answer such a ridiculous question unless she pleased. But she did please, and her answer was received with applause, which, however, the Bench perceiving, though tardily, that I was ent.i.tled to some protection, did declare in angry tones that it was on no account to be permitted.
Next I inquired whether it was not true that she was of a flirtatious disposition, and addicted to laugh and talk vivaciously with the gentlemen-boarders, and whether I had not earnestly remonstrated with her upon such conduct. Here WITHERINGTON, Q.C., bounded on to his feet, and protested that I was not ent.i.tled to put this question now, since I had not dared to allege in my letters or pleadings that I had breached my promise owing to any misconduct of plaintiff. But, instead of submitting to such objection, JESSIMINA answered in mellifluous accents that she had never manifested more than ordinary civility towards any gentleman-boarder, but that I had displayed pa.s.sionate jealousy of them all prior to my engagement--though never since, because she had never afforded the slightest excuse for remonstrances.
Whereupon she was again flooded with tears, which stirred my heart with tender commiseration; for her maidenly distress did only increase her charms to infinity. And the Judge, feeling fatherly sympathy for myself, observed very kindly that I had got my answer, which he hoped might do me much good. For which good wish I thanked him gratefully; and the Court was again dissolved in senseless cachinnations!
Next I cross-questioned her as to her refusal of my offer to marry on the ground that I was already the husband of one infant wife, and whether it was not the fact. She responded that I had referred her to Mr CHUCKERb.u.t.tY RAM for corroboration of my story, and that he had informed her that my said wife was a _post mortem_.
Here I cleverly took the legal objection that what Mr RAM said was not evidence, and warned her to be careful, while the Hon"ble Judge partly upheld my contention, remarking that it was evidence that a conversation was held, but not of the truth of the facts stated in such conversation, thereby showing clearly that he did not credit her story.
Upon the whole, I am confident that I have at least silenced the guns of WITHERINGTON, Q.C., for upon the conclusion of my cross-examination, he admitted that he had no further questions to ask the plaintiff.
My solicitor says I shall have to buck myself up if I am to reduce the damages to any reasonable amount, and that he had been desirous from the first to brief WITHERINGTON. But this is to croak like a raven, for the cross-examining is, after all, of very minor importance compared to the Gift of the Gab--in which I am notoriously _nulli secundus_.
2.15 P.M.--The Court has returned. WITHERINGTON"S Junior has called JESSIMINA"S mother, whom I shall presently have the bounden but rather painful duty to cross-examine sharply.
Already I experience serious sinkings in stomach department. _Sursum corda!_ I must buck it up.
XXIX
_Further proceedings in the Case of Mankletow ~v.~ Jabberjee. Mr Jabberjee"s Opening for the Defence._
_Queen"s Bench Court, No. ----,_ 2.40 P.M.
I have just resumed my seat after a rather searching examination of Madam MANKLETOW, as will appear from the notes of her evidence kindly taken by my solicitor:--
MY SOLICITOR"S SAID NOTES.
Mrs MARTHA MANKLETOW (_formidable old party--all bugles and bombazine_).
Would certainly describe her establishment as "select"; all of her male boarders perfect gentlemen--except defendant. Was never anxious to secure him for her daughter--on the contrary, would have much preferred her son-in-law white. Gave her consent because of the pa.s.sionate attachment he professed for plaintiff. Nothing to her whether he was of princely rank or not. He appeared to be very well able to support her daughter, which was the chief thing. Had never threatened defendant with personal chastis.e.m.e.nt from other boarders if he denied any engagement.
Did say that if he meant nothing serious after all the marked attentions he had paid the plaintiff, he deserved to be cut dead by all the gentlemen in the house. Insisted on the engagement being made public at once; thought it her bounden duty to do so. Did not know whether defendant was married already, or how many wives he was ent.i.tled to in his own country--he had taken good care not to say anything about all that when he proposed. Did not consider him a desirable match, and never had done, but thought he ought to be made to pay heavily for his heartless behaviour to her poor unprotected child, who would never get over the slight of being jilted by a black man....
Here I sat down, amidst suppressed murmurs from the Court of indignation and sympathy at such gross unmannerly insults to a highly educated Indian University man and qualified native barrister.
3.15.--More witnesses for plaintiff, viz., Miss SPINK and sundry select boarders, who have testified to my courtship and the notoriety of my engagement. Seeing that they were predetermined not to answer favourably to myself, I tore a leaf out of Mister WITHERINGTON"S book, and said that I had no questions to ask.... The plaintiff"s junior has just sat down, with the announcement that that is his case. I am now to turn the tables by dint of rhetorical loquacity.
The annexed report, though sadly meagre and doing very scanty justice to the occasion, is furnished by my friend young HOWARD, who was present in Court at the time....
_Jab._ (_in a kind of sing-song_). May it please your venerable lordship and respectable gentlemen of the jury, I am in the very similar predicament of another celebrated native gentleman and well-known character in the dramatic works of your immortal _litterateur_ Poet SHAKSPEARE. I allude to OTh.e.l.lO on the occasion of his pleading before the Duke and other potent, grave, and reverent signiors of Venice, in a speech which I shall commence by quoting in full----
[Ill.u.s.tration: MR JUSTICE HONEYGALL.]
_Mr Justice Honeygall._ One moment, Mr JABBERJEE, I am always reluctant to interfere with Counsel, but it may save my time and that of the jury if I remind you that the ill.u.s.tration you propose to give us is hardly as happy as it might be. The head and front of OTh.e.l.lO"S offending, unless I am mistaken, was that he had married the lady of his affections, whereas in _your_ case----
_Jab._ (_plaintively_). Your lordship, it is not humanly possible that I can exhibit even ordinary eloquence if I am to be interrupted by far-fetched and frivolous objections. The story of OTh.e.l.lO----
_Mr Justice H._ What the jury want to hear is not OTh.e.l.lO"S story, but yours, Sir, and your proper course is to go into the witness-box at once, and give your version of the facts as simply and straightforwardly as you can. When you have given your own evidence and called any witnesses you may wish to call, you will have an opportunity of addressing the jury, and exhibiting the eloquence on which you apparently place so much reliance.
[_Here poor old ~JAB~ bundles off to the witness-box, and takes some outlandish oath or other with immense gusto, after which he starts telling the Jury a long rambling rigmarole, and is awfully riled when the old Judge pulls him up, which he does about every other minute. This is the sort of thing that goes on:--_
_Jab._ At this, Misters of the Jury, I, being but a pusillanimous and no Leviathan of valour----
_The Judge._ Not so fast, Sir, not so fast. Follow my pen. I"ve not got down half what you said before that. (_Reads laboriously from his notes._) "In panicstricken apprehension of being severely a.s.saulted _a posteriori_." Who do you say threatened to a.s.sault you in that manner--the plaintiff"s mother?
_Jab._ I have already had the honour to inform your lordship that I was utterly intimidated by the savage threats of the plaintiff"s mother that, unless I consented to become the betrothed, she would summon certain able-bodied athletic boarders to batter and kick my unprotected person, and consequently, not being a Leviathan----