I nod and say, "They had a few reasons for picking me First, I"m younger. Better eggs, I guess. Second, I think they think it"d be too weird, you know, if they used Maura"s eggs, then the kids would be cousins and siblings. Or at least half siblings."
"That would be sort of weird," Richard says.
"And the final unspoken reason," I say, "is that Maura would never agree to it."
"Why not?"
"She can be a bit selfish," I say, instantly regretting the comment. I feel disloyal and I don"t want Richard"s opinion of Maura to be colored before he even meets her.
"Selfish how? Like stingy with her time? Like she won"t go pick a friend up at the airport kind of selfish?" he asks, pushing a piece of hair behind my ear.
"No Maybe self-centered is more accurate. She means well, but I think she gets her sense of empathy from my mother," I say. "My mother will b.i.t.c.h for ages about the fact that Chanel discontinued a certain shade of lipstick, but then she"ll expect a cancer patient to just buck up and think positively"
"Yeah. I know the type," Richard says. "But for the record, I don"t think it would be all that selfish to turn this request down. I mean, that"s a lot to ask."
"You think?" I ask.
"Well. Yeah," Richard says. "Sisters or not. It"s huge ."
I was hoping he"d say just this because I agree, it is a lot to ask. Still, I wonder if Richard is just saying so for my benefit.
"So what did you tell her?" he asks.
"Nothing yet. I told them I needed to think about it."
"Were they okay with that?"
"Yeah. They seemed to be. Daphne said she understood. Tony thanked me for even considering it. Then we dropped the subject and enjoyed Daphne"s lasagna. Or at least I pretended to enjoy it, when all I could feel was the knot in my stomach."
"So would you and Tony have to get it on?" Richard says as he playfully grabs my left breast.
"Very funny," I say, pushing his hand away.
"Well? Would you?"
I roll my eyes and say, "Don"t be stupid There would be a surgery. An egg-removal sort of deal. Just like with in vitro."
"You"d have to have surgery ?" Richard says, wincing.
I am thinking that men are such babies about pain, but I say, "That"s the least of it."
"What"s the most of it?" he says.
I think for a moment and then answer hesitantly, "If I have a baby out there in the world, I think I"d think of it as mine ."
Richard blinks and then reaches past me for his gla.s.s of wine resting on the nightstand. "You"d think of it as yours? Or you"d want it to be yours?"
"Is there really a difference?" I say, thinking that in that sense, my eggs and my ex-husband might have a little something in common.
We fall asleep shortly after that, but then wake up sometime in the middle of the night, starting a full-blown conversation. It is a phenomenon that only occurs in the beginning of a relationship, when sleep seems to matter little. We are talking about Steven Gaines"s radio show in the Hamptons and how we should try to get one of my authors onwhen Richard blurts out a question about my thirty-fifth birthday. I have not told him a thing about my upcoming birthday, which is now only two weeks away. I try to remember if there was a time in recent years when people at work went out for drinks for my birthday. I don"t think it"s happened since my thirtieth. I"m not big on birthdays-although I don"t dread them, either. I"m just sort of indifferent to it. I mean, everyone has one, once a year, so I fail to see what all the annual fuss is about, at least once you pa.s.s your twenty-first birthday.
"How did you know about my birthday?" I ask. "Did Michael tell you?"
"No. Michael has yet to acknowledge to me that he even knows about us."
"How"d you know, then?"
"I might have sneaked a peek at your driver"s license," Richard says.
"You"re very resourceful," I say.
Richard rolls toward me. "I can be resourceful when I want something," he says. I can feel him looking into my eyes, in the dark.
"And what exactly do you want?" I ask, my heart racing, although I"m not sure why.
Richard doesn"t answer my question, but he finds my lips and kisses me. I kiss him back, considering in what way Richard wants me. In the same l.u.s.tful way I want him? Is that all I really want? Or are we more about companionship, about filling a void and pa.s.sing time? Could we be falling in love? Would I ever want to be with Richard in the way I was with Ben? Would I ever want to try marriage again with anyone?
As if he is reading my mind, Richard stops kissing me abruptly and says, "Can I take you away for your birthday?"
"Yeah," I say. "I would like that very much."
"Anywhere particular you"d like to go?"
"Anywhere with you would be just fine," I say in such a firm tone that I"m almost convinced that it is true.
In the morning, I return to Jess"s apartment to get ready for work. Jess is sitting in the family room, wearing silky black underwear (Jess owns no cotton pairs) and applying lotion to her legs. The room smells of vanilla. Her hair is still wet, and spiky with gel. She looks happy and is singing Liz Phair"s "Perfect World": "I wanna be cool, tall, vulnerable, and luscious."
I think Well, you are all of those things . Then I say, "Did the jacka.s.s call you back?"
I am, of course, referring to Trey. He is officially known as "the jacka.s.s" now. First he was "Jacka.s.s," a proper noun, but we decided he wasn"t even worthy of that much and demoted him to a generic, random jacka.s.s. According to his a.s.sistant Daria, he is in Tokyo. We can tell she"s lying for him. We already know that lying for her boss is part of her job description. "Tell him phones work in Asia," Jess said the last time she spoke to Daria. Apparently Daria had snorted and said, "Will do," before hanging up abruptly. Jess said it wasn"t altogether clear who Daria was disdainful of, her or her boss. I said maybe Daria was sleeping with him, too. Jess didn"t think it was all that funny. I made note of this: hold the jokes for a bit longer.
"Nope. No word," Jess says with a shrug. "f.u.c.k him."
I study her face, for a sign of false bravado. There is nothing. I can tell she is starting to mean it. In fact, she is so strong that I begin to think that there is only one explanation: Jess wants the baby more than she wants Trey. Sort of the opposite of Ben and me. Could my best friend and I be more different?
"f.u.c.k him," she says again.
I laugh and say, "That"s how you got in this mess."
"Yeah. It is a bit of a mess," she says. "And yet it feels right ."
Then she informs me she has scheduled her first prenatal visit for the following Thursday at two o"clock.
"That"s exciting," I say, nearly meaning it.
"Will you come with me?" she asks hesitantly. "The nurse told me that they check for the fetal heart sounds with a Doppler ultrasound. I"d like to share the moment with someone With you ."
"Sure I"ll come," I say, feeling touched that she wants me there. And I want to be there with her, but I still have reservations. First, fall is our busiest season, and I can just see myself stuck in a waiting room for hours. Second, and most important, it seems to set a bad precedent. Will Jess then expect me to go to every appointment thereafter? And what about the nitty-gritty moments of childbirth? I imagine her asking me to cut the umbilical cord or photograph the emerging blood crown.
I marvel at the irony of mea woman who does not want a baby, being asked to be an egg donor and a surrogate parent all in one month"s time.
Later that afternoon, I get a call from a big-time agent, known in the business by her first name only: Coral. I don"t know if Coral is her given name or a nickname of some kind, but what I do know is that she has one of the biggest egos in the business and rightfully so, I guess. She has some hugely famous clients, and virtually everything Coral represents becomes a bestseller. As a result, all editors salivate at the mere idea of a meeting with her, and you know you"re somebody if she"s calling you.
About a year ago, Coral phoned me for the first time regarding a ma.n.u.script called No Nude Beaches . I felt as if I had really arrived as she rambled on and on about how much I was going to love this edgy but sentimental coming-of-age story about three women traveling through Europe together after their college graduation. Coral was right, I did love it, but unfortunately so did everyone else, and I ended up losing it in an agonizing five-round auction when Elgin capped the advance I could offer at five hundred thousand. It was a heartbreaking blow, especially when the book skyrocketed to number three on the Times list-which is virtually unheard-of for a first-time novelist. I remember pa.s.sing the book in the window display at the Union Square Barnes & n.o.ble one evening on the way to dinner. I was so distraught, I couldn"t even point it out to Ben, but he must have seen it, too, because he said, "Don"t sweat it. Coral will call you again."
So of course I think of Ben when Rosemary buzzes me and says excitedly, "Claudia, Coral is on the phone!"
My heart races as I pick up the phone and say h.e.l.lo.
"Claudia, darling," Coral says. "Congratulations on the d.i.c.kerson novel. It"s brill- iant!"
"Thank you, Coral. I really appreciate that. We"re really pleased with how it"s doing So how are you?" I say, feeling pretty certain that Coral is not just calling to make small talk. She must have something for me.
"I"m well, dear Listen. I"d love to catch up over lunch And I might just have something for you to read. Something that would be perfect for you and your list."
"Lunch sounds great," I say, feeling thrilled but wishing that Coral would just messenger, or e-mail me the ma.n.u.script, as most other agents do. Then again, maybe she"s going to offer me an exclusive and she wants to give it a proper one-on-one showcase. I tell myself to play it cool as I say, "As for the project, thank you for thinking of me, Coral. I"d be delighted to take a look."
"Fabulous," she says. "Let"s meet next Thursday at Eleven Madison Park at, say, one o"clock? One-thirty?"
I glance at my calendar, see "Jess"s Appointment" written in capital letters, and think, f.u.c.k. Baby conflict .
"Hmm," I say. "Looks like I have something that day, Coral. I can do any other day next week."
"Sorry, dear. I"m booked solid for the next few weeks," she says, sounding miffed.
I think, n.o.body puts Coral in a corner , and roll my eyes. I start to fold, but don"t. Instead I bristle at her tactics. I am way too busy and senior for such games. I hear myself say, "Well, I"m sorry, Coral. But Thursday"s a no-go for me."
I cross my fingers that she will throw out another date, or even better, simply offer to send the ma.n.u.script. But she only says, "A pity. Maybe next time."
I hang up and tell myself that if Coral calling you makes you somebody, then dissing her really makes you somebody. Then I tell myself nothing is as important as friendship. Or babies. Or friends having babies. But I can"t help feeling a hint of resentment that my career is already being impacted by a baby that"s not even mine.
The next morning Jess comes into my room just as I"m waking up and says, "Claudia. I"m bleeding." Her voice is calm, but her face is pinched and pale.
"Where?" I ask, picturing a cutting mishap in the kitchen.
"I got my period," Jess whispers. "I"m not pregnant anymore."
The word miscarriage flashes in my mind, but I shake my head and say, "Spotting is common early on." I sound as if I"m quoting a medical textbook so I add anecdotal evidence, "Maura spotted with all three of her pregnancies."
"Is gushing common?" Jess asks, her voice trembling. "Claudia. I"m definitely no longer pregnant."
I look at my best friend, feeling afraid to speak, afraid that I"ll say the wrong thing. I"ve heard that one-half of all women have a miscarriage at some point in their lives, but this is my first experience with it. I tell her how sorry I am. I rea.s.sure her that she will get through this. That we will get through this. I tell her what I always tell Daphne when her period comes, that she will be a mother someday. It will happen someday. I believe this.
But meanwhile, as I hear myself talking, there is a very small part of me that feels shamefully relieved by the turn of events. I am relieved not to have to go through the ordeal with Jess. I am relieved to have more time with her before she becomes a mother. But most of all, I am relieved for my best friend. I know she is grieving a loss now, but I hope that she will someday look back and think that this happened for a reason. That this was for the best. I want her to have a baby with a man much greater than Trey. A man she deserves. A man more like Ben.
twenty.
I hope that my thirty-fifth birthday will stop the tide of baby talk, and the people in my life will give me that much as a gift. Instead, in the days leading up to the big benchmark, Daphne leaves messages on my voice mail, like, "Sure would be great to get those eggs soon. We could avoid amnio if we get them now!"
She, of course, is referring to the fact that most doctors recommend amniocentesis for mothers older than thirty-five, and although she pretends to be joking, I can tell she"s serious. Even though I"m very freaked out by the whole concept of giving her one of my eggs, I am leaning toward telling her yes. Mostly because I just want to end my sister"s pain, but also because I don"t see that I have any real choice in the matter. I just can"t fathom how I would tell her no.
I make the mistake of running the dilemma by Jess. The worst of her grief subsided after her doctor"s visit when he confirmed that miscarriages are terribly common. He also checked her hormones and determined that everything was normal. He said there was no reason to antic.i.p.ate future problems. Still, Jess"s hypochondria commingles with Daphne"s news and propels her into a frenzied state of high alert. She begins this crazy chatter about freezing her eggs and spends huge chunks of time at work forwarding me links on cutting-edge reproductive technology.
At one point, I e-mail her back and say that I have never heard so much conversation about eggs in my life, including Easter or Sunday brunch. As soon as I hit send, I worry that the joke was in bad taste or will offend her, but she shoots me back a good-natured "lol," takes the not-so-subtle hint and shifts her attention to my birthday plans. I make it very clear to her (and my sisters) that I don"t want a party, surprise or otherwise. I tell her I"d just like a nice dinner out with a small group. I give her the usual names, minus Ben, plus Richard.
When Jess asks where I"d like to go, I tell her Babbo, even though it was one of my favorite spots with Ben. I am over worrying about where Ben and I went together. I want to reclaim my city. So Jess sends an e-mail out to Maura and Scott, Daphne and Tony, Annie and Ray, Richard and Michael (who, other than an elevator ride one morning, have yet to be together in my company). Everyone e-mails back that they can make it, except Ray. His excuse is that they can"t find a babysitter. I don"t believe him, there are plenty of babysitters in Manhattan, but am secretly happy that he won"t be in attendance. I"d rather have Annie as a solo friend. I do not want to make the awkward "couple friends" transition.
Meanwhile, Richard is planning our three-day getaway to an undisclosed location. I don"t even know whether we are going to a warm or cool climate as he has employed Jess to pack my suitcase for me. I press Jess to give me the scoop, but she holds firm in the same paternalistic way that she refuses to tell me whether a movie has a happy or sad ending. I like to be prepared when I watch a movie, in a proper frame of mind. I was so p.i.s.sed after we watched Out of Africa together, a movie she had seen before.
"You should have told me he dies," I told Jess.
"It would have ruined it!" she said.
"But if I want to know, it"s not ruining anything," I retorted.
Jess didn"t see it my way. People who like surprises want you to like surprises, too.
So all Jess will tell me about the trip is that Richard is taking me "somewhere really good."
"Have I been there?" I ask.
She says no. Then she says that if I had to give up Ben, at least I had replaced him with someone like Richard.
"n.o.body"s replacing Ben," I say.
Jess gives me a look that tells me she"s not so sure. "He sounds hot. I love his deep voice." Then she tries to imitate him, saying, "And Jess, uhhh, please pack her vibrator!"
"Grow up," I say.
"You," she says, her favorite comeback since college.
Only one of us wants to be a mother , I think.