Of course Jess knew about these anniversary plans. So despite the fact that Richard has been to the Villa d"Este, I am highly suspicious that she had a hand in his choice. I only wonder if she was candid with Richard or manipulated him into the choice. She is fully capable of either. I decide it would be bad form to ask the question, so I just smile and say, "We"re going to the Villa d"Este?"
He nods, looking pleased with himself. Then he says, "Jess said you"ve never been to Lake Como."
"I haven"t," I say.
"I needed to fix that. It is heaven on earth. As Sh.e.l.ley put it, "This lake exceeds anything I ever beheld in beauty." "
I am a sucker for men spouting off poetry, and I can feel myself blushing as I say, "This is way too generous."
"Well, it"s not unselfish. After all, I am going with you," he says. Then he points to a third-floor window facing the water and says, "And I intend to f.u.c.k you right in that room."
I look at him, thinking that if Ben had said he was going to f.u.c.k me somewhere, it would have sounded cra.s.s, unloving. With Richard, it is s.e.xy. I wonder why that is, but don"t come up with an answer.
Minutes later, we are driving through Italian hills. Everything is so beautiful that I don"t know where to look.
"Don"t you just love knowing you"re in Italy?" I ask Richard.
He nods and says, "It beats the h.e.l.l out of Jersey."
The ride is surprisingly short, under an hour and we quickly come up on the little town of Cern.o.bbio. Just beyond the town is our glamorous hotel. Richard pulls up to the main building, and a small, tidy man with a moustache opens my door before I can. As he welcomes us with a slight bow, I have the sudden thought that my expectations are too high, that Lake Como will not live up to them. But within seconds, I am relieved to find that some things really are that good. The grounds and gardens are magnificent; the vistas of blue mountains and misty water are breathtaking. Everything has a dreamy quality. I say this to Richard and then think that dreamy is a word I have never used, unless mocking someone or imitating Marcia Brady.
We walk to the front desk, as Richard says a robust American h.e.l.lo to everyone. I like that we are at one of the finest hotels in the world and yet he remains the same-friendly, unpretentious, borderline brash. In contrast, my demeanor changes in fancy hotels and restaurants. I can"t help talking in a hushed voice and making my posture perfect.
As we check in, Richard glances up at the high ceiling and says, "Check it out."
I look up primly and then whisper, " Ohhh . Beautiful."
I suddenly miss Ben, as I always do when I see beautiful buildings or recall the romantic architectural language he taught me, terms like belvedere turrets, fleur-de-lis ornaments, gingerbread bargeboard, Mary Hart arches, fretwork spandrels, voussoir vaults , and swan"s neck molding . I think of how much he would love this hotel and all of its exquisite detail. Maybe he can come here on his honeymoon. Try for a baby during his stay.
We are shown to our room by a young, gorgeous woman, the kind you can"t stop staring at and so you certainly can"t blame your boyfriend for staring, too. Which I catch Richard doing as she gracefully points out the minibar, the automatic blinds, and the safe. Then she welcomes us one final time, smiles and leaves.
When the door clicks after her, I say, "Well, she was a dog."
Richard smirks and says, "Was she? I didn"t notice."
I"m not jealous at all, but I still give him a look as if I am.
He gives me a carnal look back.
I say, "Oh, yeah?"
He says, "Come here, you."
After we have s.e.x, we nap for a couple of hours. It is an intense sleepthe kind you can only have when you are jet-lagged or sick. When we wake up, Richard says, "You think it"s too cold for the pool?"
"Borderline," I say. "But let"s do it."
I change in the bathroom, wondering how it is that I want privacy to change around a man I"ve slept with at least twenty times. Of course it took me three years to pee in front of Ben and in the very beginning I had to run water or make him sing loudly-so I guess my modesty makes sense now. I dig into my bag and happily discover that Jess packed my most flattering bathing suit, the red bikini I last wore in St. John with Ben. It occurs to me that I never hand-washed it upon our return. So it still has traces of the Caribbean on it. And maybe even a trace of Ben. I put my face up to it and inhale, but it just smells like a bathing suit I forgot to wash. No Ben. But maybe that"s just because Richard"s cologne is still lingering in my nose.
Richard and I spend the afternoon lounging on wooden chaises by the nicest pool I have ever seena rectangle of aqua blue floating right in the navy lake. The crowd is well-heeled and older, and Richard was right, there are no babies. We sip lemonade as I do a little work. I usually make a point not to work on vacations, but can"t avoid it this weekend. I have a ma.n.u.script due back to an author the day I return. At one point, I laugh and tap the pages with my pen.
"That good?" Richard asks.
I nod.
He smirks and says, "You have such an eye for talent."
I can tell he"s jokingly referring to himself. So I rest my hand on his bare chest, bat my eyelashes, and say, "Yes. I sure do."
He leans over and kisses me as I think, I do not miss Ben. This is where I want to be . Then again, there"s got to be something really wrong with a person who could sit in this spot overlooking Lake Como and want to be anywhere else. The true test of a relationship would be: Am I happy at this Motel 6 in Little Rock ?
After lunch by the pool, we play tennis on a clay court, high on a hill overlooking the property and lake. I tell Richard it almost seems like a waste to play tennis when we should be focused solely on the scenery.
He says, "Quit stalling. And prepare to be schooled."
I say, "As if."
I turn out to be right. My years of tennis lessons paid off. I am far better than Richard. He skips the serve altogether, just bounces and hits. I laugh and say, "You don"t know how to serve?"
He shouts, "I"m a baseball player, honey."
I return the ball hard. He swings and misses. The ball hits chalk.
"In," I say. "Love-fifteen."
He says, "Did you just say you love me?"
I think, Not yet , but I say, "Uh-huh."
"Good," he shouts. "Ti amo , anche."
I don"t know Italian but I can pretty much guess what he"s just said.
That evening we have dinner on the veranda. The temperatures have dropped, but Jess packed my blue pashmina wrap. Richard is wearing a sport coatyet he still looks more cowboy handsome than businessman handsome. We have one of our favorite discussions: who knows about us at work?
Usually Richard makes educated guesses based on elevator and lunch sightings. Tonight he says, " Everyone knows."
" Nooo You think?" I say, pretending to be dismayed. I have only told Jacqueline, whom I swore to secrecy, but I secretly want everyone to know. I am proud to be dating Richard.
He nods. " Everyone knows."
"n.o.body has said anything to me," I say.
"n.o.body has said anything to me, either."
"So what makes you so sure that people know?"
He says, "I don"t know I guess because people generally don"t comment on something they perceive to be a fling."
I nod, take a bite of my gnocchi, and scrutinize his words: something they perceive to be . Does this mean we"re actually having something more serious than a fling? Or does this mean we are indeed having a fling? I am still a.n.a.lyzing his sentence back in our room after we have s.e.x again, the hard kind that almost hurts. Long after we have said good night and rolled away from each other to sleep, I"m still not sure of Richard"s intended meaning. I tell myself that it doesn"t matter. It is what it is. We are what we are.
The next day is as blissful as the first, and Richard and I prove ourselves experts at lounging, eating, drinking, and having s.e.x. In the late afternoon, we take a two-hour boat ride on the lake, pa.s.sing George Clooney"s house and Versace"s villa; merely seeing these landmarks somehow makes me feel rich and famous, too. We stop in the picturesque village of Bellagio, known as the "pearl of the lake," where I buy a leather tote and Richard picks up a pair of handmade sandals. On our return trip, Richard strikes up conversation with several other hotel guests. He is one of those people who makes friends everywhere he goes. I decide that it is one of his best traits.
I wake up on our third and final day in Italy, which is my actual birthday and think, I am thirty-five. I am in striking distance of forty . It is the first time in my life I have felt old, and it is not a good feeling.
I turn over in bed and see that Richard is already up and outside on the terrace, reading the paper and sipping coffee. He is wearing a white terrycloth robe, and for some reason I think of Richard Gere in Pretty Woman . Both Richards look good in white robes.
I get up and go to the bathroom where I brush my teeth and hair. Then I step outside in my own blue silk robe. Richard folds his paper in half, puts it on the table, and stands to kiss my cheek. "Good morning!" he says brightly.
"Good morning," I say, looking at the mist over the lake. "Beautiful day."
"It is," Richard says. "Great day for a birthday."
I sit, and we smile at each other.
"Coffee?" he says.
I nod, and he pours coffee from a small pitcher into my thimble-sized china cup. Then he points to the basket resting on a silver tray and says, "Continental breakfast. Are you hungry?"
"Not really," I say. "Not yet."
"Have a pastry anyway," he says forcefully. "You need your nourishment."
I shrug and then unfold the cloth napkin to discover a small unwrapped box tucked between a m.u.f.fin and a croissant. It is clearly a ring box. I feel uneasy. Maybe because the last time I got a ring, I told Ben I would marry him. Maybe because the trip already feels like way too much of a gift.
"Well, looky there," Richard says.
"You shouldn"t have," I say, meaning it.
He waves me off and says, "Open it."
I pluck the box out of the bread and lift the lid. Inside sits a substantial dinner ring with green and pink stones set in gold. It is the sort of interesting c.o.c.ktail ring I would admire on another woman, but would never think to buy for myself.
"Wow," I say, sliding it on my right ring finger. It fits perfectly, thanks to Jess, I"m sure. "It"s gorgeous."
"You"re gorgeous," he says, grabbing my hand and kissing it in old-Hollywood style.
I thank Richard, which I hope encompa.s.ses the ring and the compliment. But I can"t help feeling annoyed at both. They are both overkill. Gorgeous is simply not an adjective that applies to me. I"m attractive enough. I can even be pretty when all the pieces come together just right. But I"m not gorgeous and I don"t believe that Richard thinks I am. For the first time, I look at him and see insincerity. I can"t help wondering how many women Richard has called gorgeous. I feel certain that the number is triple digits high.
"You really shouldn"t have," I say again. Because I have nothing else to say.
"I wanted to," he says. And then, "It"s no big deal."
I look at him and feel the full truth of his statement. It"s really not a big deal to Richard. The ring. The Villa d"Este. The s.e.x. Me. None of it is a big deal at all. I guess I knew this all along. I knew that all of this was just a matter of Richard living large. It was the sort of lifestyle I thought I wanted, too.
Still, at some point along the way, maybe on this birthday trip, I think I hoped for something more. Maybe I even hoped that I could find in Richard what I had with Ben. But it is suddenly very clear: Richard is not falling in love with me, and I"m not falling in love with Richard. We are not creating anything permanent or special. We are only having fun together. It is a fling, just like he said last night, a fling with an ending yet to be determined. I feel relieved to have it defined. Relieved to know that we are both feeling the same way. But I also feel a sense of profound disappointment. In myself and in the way my life is turning out. My ring catches the sunlight as I think, Maybe I am more like Richard than Ben. I am here because I am more like Richard than Ben .
twenty-two.
On the flight back to New York that night all I can do is ponder my relationship with Richard. I decide that giving a girl a ring when you"re not in a serious relationship is sort of like giving a guy a b.l.o.w. .j.o.b when you have no real feelings for him. It makes everything feel a little bit cheap. It cheapens the giver and the recipient. I don"t want to feel this way about Richard"s ring (or my b.l.o.w. .j.o.bs). I want to be enlightened and modern and independent and s.e.xually liberated. I tell myself that Richard and I feel the same about each other. n.o.body is using anyone, or perhaps we are both using each other equally. There is no deceit, no false pretenses. Richard is a grown man with plenty of experience, and he can decide for himself how he wants to spend his money. And I can decide for myself who I want to be intimate with. But despite my masterful rationalizing, the relationship just doesn"t feel right to me anymore. Every time I look down at my new ring, I feel queasy.
By the time we land in New York and take a radio car back to the city, my mood has rubbed off on Richard, and our conversations have become noticeably strained. He has already asked me twice if something is wrong, which is far from our typical light dynamic. I tell him no both times because you can"t very well tell someone who is not serious about you that you are not serious about him but that you feel somehow unsettled anyway. It"s like calling an ex-boyfriend and announcing that you"re over him. Or telling a boss who just fired you that you had wanted to quit for weeks. It"s just weird .
Besides, the last thing I want to appear is ungrateful. I am grateful. I loved our trip as much as you can possibly love a trip when you don"t love the person you"re with. When we pull up to Jess"s apartment, I kiss Richard and thank him one final time.
He says, "I"m going to miss you tonight."
"I"ll miss you, too," I say.
It is the first lie I"ve ever told him.
I only miss one person right about now, and his name isn"t Richard.
"Well?" Jess says when I open the door. She is wearing an oversized man"s undershirt and a pair of Daisy Dukes from our college days. The hem is unraveling in long strands. "How was it?"
"It was incredible," I say. "The place is breathtaking and you packed perfectly. The lacy underwear came in handy"
"But?" she says. A best friend can always sense a but coming.
"But I don"t think I want to keep seeing Richard."
Jess"s eyes widen and she says, "Why not? What happened?"
"I don"t know," I say. "I really don"t know. It was all great and fine, and then he gave me this." I hold up my ring.
She grabs my hand, identifying the gems as a pink tourmaline flanked by two peridots. Then she admits to giving Richard my ring size, but insists that he picked it out himself. She had no input. Then she says, "Wait. I don"t get it. Do you not like it or what?"