"But she loved Uncle Ben," Zoe says and then looks at me. "Right, Aunt Claudia?"
"Right," I say. Then I go out on a questionable limb and say, "And I always will."
Zoe brightens. "So maybe you"ll marry him again ?"
There it is , I think. My one great hope unearthed and put out there by a child. I consider my responses. I consider saying that it"s a possibility. That I want that very much. That I miss Ben with my whole heart and believe that I made a huge mistake in not considering having a baby with him. That I was too stubborn and rigid and vindictive and proud for my own good. That I hope I"m not too late.
But I am afraid to say any of this out loud. I don"t want to jinx myself. Instead I just offer up a vague and halfhearted, "Well, Zoe, I wouldn"t hold your breath on that one."
Always literal, Zoe inhales dramatically and holds her breath, her cheeks puffing out and her face turning red.
" Breathe!" ! say, laughing.
She shakes her head, a smile straining at the corners of her mouth.
"Zoe! Breathe !" I say again, tickling her until she releases the air in fits of laughter. When she finally gains her composure, she says, "Aunt Claudia?"
"Yeah, Zoe?"
"If you do marry Uncle Ben again, I hope you do it soon. You know why?"
I watch her anxiously, concentrating on an itch in the small of my back. Surely the child doesn"t know about aging eggs. Surely she doesn"t know that I am going to have to offer Ben a child for the mere hope of getting him back. I finally say, "Why"s that, Zoe?"
" "Cause. If you wait too long, I"ll be too old to be your flower girl."
I smile with relief. "Hmm. That"s a really good point, Zoe. You are getting up there in years."
"So don"t wait too long," she says. "And don"t "lope this time."
"E-lope," I say.
"E-lope," she repeats.
"Ohh, right. Hmm. Well. We"ll see about all that," I say, wondering how long Zoe can keep up her barrage of questions. If I"m not careful, she might have me talking about my e-mail exchange with Ben, our lunch date, and my earnest hope that my ex-husband hasn"t fallen madly in love with a girl named Tucker.
I brace myself for her next inquiry, which turns out to be blessedly innocuous: "Can we try on shoes now?" she asks me.
"Absolutely," I say, relieved that I don"t have to tell my niece about Tucker, the fast-running, pretty-haired, fertile doctor who can"t possibly love Ben like I do.
twenty-eight.
The next morning I awaken to the sight of Zoe in her lavender polka-dot nightgown, standing on her tiptoes with her nose and palms pressed against my bedroom window. I study her earnest profile and the way a patch of her hair is spiked with static electricity.
I finally break her concentration and say, "What"s so interesting out there, Zoe?"
She turns, runs over to the bed, and says, "It"s snowing, Aunt Claudia!"
"Really?" I say.
"Yeah! Come look," she says.
I follow her over to the window, remembering how thrilling snowfalls were as a child. Now snow simply signals inconvenience, particularly in a city that quickly turns into a dirty, slushy, slow-moving mess. But I forget all of this as I look outside with my niece. I even feel a twinge of disappointment when I see only a few scattered flurries and no acc.u.mulation on the ground.
"It doesn"t look like it"s going to stick," I say. "Just your standard November tease."
Zoe looks crestfallen, and I think of how my sisters and I felt when our hopes soared on a snowy morning, only to have them dashed by the man on the radio announcing in the most chipper tone, "All schools open!" Or even worse, when he"d give you a string of schools that had closed, but then announce that yours was the exception, without so much as a one- or two-hour delay as a consolation. One of the happiest days of my childhood was when my mother informed us that she was overriding one such poor decision. "I"m not taking any chances with you riding that bus. I hereby declare a snow day!" There were some fringe benefits that came with having a non-rule-following mother.
"If it sticks, can we go sledding in the park?" Zoe asks.
"Sure," I say, as I think of how emotions seem so magnified when you"re a child. Joy is more all-encompa.s.sing, disappointments more crushing, hope more palpable. "You want to do a snow dance to help it along?"
Zoe lights up again and says, "What"s a snow dance?"
I leap up onto my mattress and make up an exaggerated tribal dance which she imitates. Our legs and arms flail in the air until we are out of breath. Then I say, "Okay! Let"s get moving! We have a busy day ahead of us!"
"What are we doing, Aunt Claudia?" Zoe asks.
I highlight our itinerary, which includes a matinee, a trip to FAO Schwarz, and a horse-and-carriage ride in Central Park.
Zoe looks gleeful. "Well, I better go put on my dress then."
I smile and say, "Yes. You"d better. And I think today calls for a touch of makeup, don"t you?"
Zoe smiles even wider. She is a true girly-girl and is always clamoring for things like pierced ears, shaved legs, and makeup. Maura would kill me if I put holes in Zoe"s ears or gave her one of my razors, but a little rouge and lip gloss is another story. She walks primly toward the bathroom and says in a voice more mature than her years, "Why, Aunt Claudia. That is an excellent idea."
A few hours later, after an inspired performance of The Lion King , Zoe and I exit the New Amsterdam Theater on Forty-second Street. The sun is out, and there is no trace of snow, but the day still feels wintry and festive. The city is already decorated with white lights and wreaths, and the streets bustle with holiday-season tourists. Zoe puts on her fluffy pink beret and matching gloves as I quickly hail a cab and ask him to take us to the Plaza, just across the street from FAO Schwarz. The whole way uptown, we sing "Hakuna Matata" in rounds. It is one catchy tune. In all of our merriment, I nearly forget the underlying reason for Zoe"s visit. I wonder if she will someday know the full truth about our weekend. If she will look back on our time together, and her memories will be more bitter than sweet.
We are dropped off in the driveway in front of the Plaza. I pay the cabbie and hold the door open for Zoe. She spills out of the cab, forgetting to be ladylike in her corduroy jumper and fancy coat. Then she points to a blue-faced mime holding freakishly still near the fountain in front of the hotel.
"Can I go see him?" she asks.
"Sure," I tell her, remembering how Ben used to say, "How is that considered a talent? Who actually would bother to practice something like that?" Clearly many others disagree with Ben"s a.s.sessment of mimes because there is a fairly sizable crowd gawking and videotaping.
Zoe scampers off toward the mime, while I stay near the hotel stairs and retrieve my cell phone from my purse. I want to see if Maura has called with any sort of update. There is one new message, but it is only Daphne. I keep my eye on Zoe as I listen to Daphne tell me that she just made a lemon Bundt cake, and the boys are licking the beaters. Daphne goes on to say that she hasn"t heard a word from Maura. "Cross your fingers for some good news," she concludes.
I consider that Daphne"s version of good news is likely not the same as mine. Short of abuse, Daphne believes couples with children should stay together. I think it"s more about being happy. Not Christmas-photo-card happy, but truly, deep-down-in-your-bones happy.
I skip Daphne"s message and listen to a very old one from Ben that I haven"t had the heart to delete since our divorce. It is the only recording I have of him. There is nothing special about it-he is only relaying the phone number for our optometrist, but the mere sound of his voice washes over me, and I feel my heart flutter. I wish I could talk to him sooner than next Monday. My promise is ready on my tongue: I will have a baby for you, Ben. I will do anything to get you back .
I hit save, flip my phone shut, and look up to see Zoe, still mesmerized by the mime. She is now holding her beret in her hand and the sun is shining on her hair, making it look redder than usual. For one glorious moment, I am filled with a sense of well-being and peace.
And then everything changes in an instant.
I see the boy first, a scrawny skateboarder wearing baggy shorts, Converse high-tops, and an orange helmet. I wonder how he managed to get out of the house without a coat on a day like this. He is no older than twelve and has an adolescent awkwardness about him despite his fluid, confident stunts. He is clearly showing off, but pretending to be oblivious to his few admirers who have tired of the mime. He must be a loner, I think; boys his age usually travel in packs. I watch him surf several stairs and land effortlessly before picking up speed. That"s when I see Zoe running back over to me, directly in his path. I freeze, knowing what"s about to happen, but feeling powerless to stop it. Sort of like watching a scary scene in a movie with a menacing soundtrack. Sure enough, the boy careens toward Zoe, grunting, "Yo! Yo! Watch out!" I can see his body strain to change direction, and I pray for his skills to prevail. But as he pivots, he slips off the board and crashes into her. Zoe is thrown backward like a small doll, making a sickening thud on the sidewalk. The boy is sprawled on the sidewalk next to her, looking more embarra.s.sed than injured.
I hear myself scream, can feel my heart pounding in my ears. Everything seems to move in slow motion as I weave past the crowd and kneel over Zoe. Her skin looks gray, her eyelids are closed, and blood is streaming down the left side of her face onto her white rabbit-fur collar. Fear and terror fill me as I check to see if she"s breathing. She is. Still, I think, What if she dies ? I fiercely tell myself not to be crazy; children do not die from skateboard collisions. It was only a minor accident. But then I think: Concussion; head-and-neck injury; brain damage; paraplegia . I think of other freak accidents, like the young boy I once saw on 60 Minutes who was paralyzed playing a casual game of ice hockey. I have a fleeting image of Zoe going to her senior prom in a wheelchair.
Get a grip , I tell myself. Spring into action and stop being so dramatic ! Yet all I can do is call Zoe"s name and gently shake her shoulders. She does not respond. My mind swirls with first-aid principles I learned long ago, in Girl Scouts and my high-school health cla.s.s: Never move a person suspected of head or neck injury; check her pupils; exert pressure to stop the blood; call 911; yell for help .
I can feel the stares and concerned hush around me as I find a Kleenex in my purse. As I press it against Zoe"s head, her eyes flutter and open. I say her name in a rush of grat.i.tude. She whimpers and touches her face. When she sees the blood covering her pink-gloved hand, she shrieks. Then she turns to the side and throws up. Somewhere, in a remote place in my brain, I remember that vomiting is a sign of a concussion, but I can"t recall how serious a concussion is. And I have no idea how to treat one.
Zoe sits up and begins to wail for Maura and Scott. "Mommy! Daddy! I want my mom- meee !"
The skateboarder limps over to us and mumbles an apology. "Sorry," he says. "She got in my way." He looks afraid that he might get in trouble. I want to blame him, yell at him for skateboarding in a crowd, but I just say, "It"s okay." He slinks off with his board tucked under his arm, moving on with his afternoon.
As I turn my attention back to Zoe, an older man emerges from nowhere, crouching over us. He is well dressed and has a low, soothing voice. He gently asks me if I am her mother.
"I"m her aunt," I say guiltily.
This happened on my watch.
"I hailed you a cab," he says, pointing a few yards away to a cab in the driveway in front of the hotel. "He"s going to take you to the NYU Medical Center. She probably just needs a few st.i.tches."
Zoe wails at the mention of st.i.tches and then frantically protests as the man tries to lift her from the pavement.
"Let him carry you, honey," I say.
She does. A few seconds later, I slide into the cab. The man hands me Zoe, along with a soft, white handkerchief with his monogrammed initials: WRG . "You"ll be fine, honey," he says. I"m not sure if he"s talking to me or Zoe, but I want to kiss this kind, silver-haired stranger whose first name starts with a W . The man gives the driver the hospital address and closes the door. As we zip down Fifth, Zoe curls up on the seat next to me and sobs. I hold the handkerchief against the cut on her hairline, which is matted and sticky with blood. At some point, I realize that I left her beret on the sidewalk and feel another stab of guilt. First I let this happen; then I lose her favorite hat. I can only imagine what Maura will think when I tell her what happened: I know you love Ben, but are you sure you"re up to being a mother ?! call her now-both at home and on her cell and am relieved when I get voice mail. I"m not ready to make this confession, nor do I want to upset my sister who is already dealing with so much. I try to comfort Zoe by repeating the man"s words. I tell her that she"s going to be fine, just fine. "I want my Mommy" is all she can say back.
By the time we arrive at the hospital, Zoe"s bleeding has slowed, and I am no longer worried about paralysis or permanent brain damage. Still, her name is called almost immediately after we register at the front desk. Which is in striking contrast to my trip to the ER with Ben when he broke his ankle playing flag football and we sat in the waiting room for seven hours. Or the time I ate bad sushi and literally thought I might die from stomach pains but still had to wait for what seemed like every gang member in New York and a fleet of h.e.l.l"s Angels to be seen before me.
So I feel an enormous sense of relief when Zoe is given priority, and we are led to an examining room. A nurse helps her change into a gown and then takes her vitals. One beat later a sunny resident whips through our curtain part.i.tion and introduces himself as Dr. Steve. Dr. Steve is a mix between Doogie Howser and George Clooney"s character on ER . He is painfully youthful but still confident and charismatic. I can tell right away that Zoe likes him, and he is able to calm her down as he gathers information about her accident and symptoms while masterfully mixing in other questions about her school and hobbies. After a brief physical examination, he looks at Zoe and says, "Okay, Zoe, you had a pretty bad spill, so here"s what we"re going to do We"re going to order up a little X-ray of your head and give you a few little st.i.tches right behind your ear."
Zoe freaks at the mention of st.i.tches (they need to come up with a new name, what kid would be okay with the thought of her skin being sewn together with a needle?), but Dr. Steve flashes his dimples and convinces her that not only do his st.i.tches not hurt, but also he will use pink thread that dissolves like magic in a few days. Zoe is sold.
"What are the X-rays for?" I ask, still a bit fearful that there could be some sort of serious head injury.
"Just a precautionary measure," Dr. Steve says, turning his dimples loose on me. "I"d be very surprised if she had anything other than a superficial injury."
I nod and thank him. Dr. Steve leaves to order Zoe"s X-rays and collect his pink thread while I find a piece of paper in my purse and initiate a rousing game of hangman.
Two hours and minimal drama later, Zoe"s X-rays confirm Dr. Steve"s prognosis, and she is as good as new with five pink st.i.tches and a major crush on her doctor. He hands her a lollipop, the good kind with a Tootsie Roll inside and says, "So, Zoe, I like you and all, but I really hope I never see you again in here."
She smiles, becoming uncharacteristically shy.
"So what do you say, Zoe? Do you promise to stay out of the path of speeding skateboarders?"
Zoe says she"ll try, and he high-fives her.
I wonder if Dr. Steve took a cla.s.s in bedside manner with young children or if all of this just comes naturally to him. Maybe it"s something that requires practice. Maybe I could find a how-to book on the subject: How to Deal with Medical Emergencies and Children in Crisis .
Then I think of Ben. If I am lucky enough to get him back, I won"t have to be perfect. We can figure things out together . I envision our little girl, running to us with a menacing splinter. He will man the tweezers, and I will be at his side, ready with a Garfield Band-Aid. We will be a good team. We were once. We will be again.
And then, just as Zoe and I are headed toward the exit with our discharge papers and backup lollipops in hand, I hear a vaguely familiar voice behind me, saying, "Claudia? Is that you?"
My stomach drops as I place the voice. Then I turn slowly and look straight into Tucker Janssen"s big, green eyes.
twenty-nine.
"Hi, Tucker," I say, taking in her perfectly pressed white doctor"s coat, blue scrubs, and shiny stethoscope. And of course, her long, blond mane pulled into her trademark ponytail. She is prettier than I remembered. But maybe it"s the difference between seeing someone after a run and seeing someone with a bit of makeup. I shudder to think what she might look like fully dressed for dinner. My heart sinks, and I eye the exit door, hoping that our conversation will be short. Despite the very significant thing we have in common, I have nothing to say to her.
"Hi, Claudia," she says, looking completely at ease.
I remind myself that I"m not supposed to know that she"s a doctor. So I go through the song and dance of feigning surprise. "Are you a doctor?" I say.
"Yeah," she says with false modesty. "I"m a pediatric surgeon."
"Oh," I say. "That"s nice."
"What are you doing here?" she asks, glancing down at Zoe. "Is everything okay?"
Her concern seems genuine, but is still highly irritating. I know it"s irrational, but I feel as if she is judging me. a.s.sessing the magnitude of my negligence. Concluding that I would, indeed, make an unfit, inept mother.
I say, "My niece had a little spill, that"s all. But she"s fine now."
"Poor thing," Tucker croons.
Zoe, who has returned to her outgoing self, chimes in, "I got five st.i.tches!"
I panic, wondering what else Zoe will say. I pray that Tucker won"t mention Ben because then the floodgates will open. I can just hear Zoe: How do you know Uncle Ben? Aunt Claudia dee-vorced him because she didn"t want kids. But Aunt Claudia says she"ll always love him. And if they get married again I get to be a flower girl !
Sure enough, Zoe"s comment gives Tucker license to interact with my niece. As if sharing a grave secret, she stoops, winks, and says, "The pink kind?"
Zoe beams. "Uh-huh. The pink kind."
Tucker tousles Zoe"s hair and gives her a doting smile. Then she stands and says to me, "She"s adorable."
"Thanks," I say, although I"m not sure it"s appropriate to accept compliments on behalf of someone else"s child, even if she is my niece. I shift my weight from one foot to the other. Then my mind goes blank as I look toward the exit again. I desperately don"t want to segue into other topics, like, say, marathons or Ben. I wonder if Tucker knows about my plans to see her boyfriend. I surmise that she does, as I recall how Ben told me when his ex, Nicole, sent him a birthday present about a year after we began dating. Struggling to sound nonchalant, I remember saying, "Oh. That"s nice What did she give you?"
"A book of poetry," he said matter-of-factly, as if it meant nothing to him at all.
Meanwhile, I couldn"t think of a more menacingly meaningful gift than a book, let alone a book of poetry , and it took all my willpower not to ask which book, what poems. Instead I just mumbled a cool and oh-so-secure, "Well, that was thoughtful of her."
Ben said, "Yeah. Whatever. No biggie. Just wanted to tell you in the interest of full disclosure."