"How do we know that she"s not the love of his life?"
"Because you are," she says. "And you only get one of those."
"Since when do you subscribe to that notion?" I say.
"Since I"ve finally experienced true love."
"Well. I got news for you, Jess. Ben loves her," I say. "He wouldn"t propose if he didn"t love her. He wants a baby, but not that badly."
"Fine. Maybe he does love her in some narrow way. But he loves you more and you know it He doesn"t have full information. He needs full information. Once he knows that you want children, he"ll have to break up with her."
"I don"t want children."
"Yes you do."
"No I don"t," I say. "I would have been theoretically willing to have his."
"Same difference."
"Not really."
She zips up her red Tod"s bag with authority and says, "Well. I say we let Ben be the judge of that. Shall we?"
Meanwhile, my own Thanksgiving plans are up in the air until the eleventh hour. Maura almost always hosts a dinner at her house, but for obvious reasons, this year is the exception. Daphne is the logical backup choice because my father, understandably, refuses to go to Dwight and Mom"s house, but when we tell my mother the plan, she gets on her soapbox about "you girls never coming over here." And then shoots off on another tangent about how we"ve never really accepted Dwight. I am in no mood for her nonsense so I quickly squelch her spirit and say, "Listen here, Vera. We"re going to Daphne"s. You can"t even cook."
"We can have food brought in," she says.
"Mom. Drop it. The decision is made."
"Says who?" she says in the voice of a small child.
"Says me," I say. "So join us or don"t. Entirely up to you."
I hang up and decide that the only true beauty of hitting rock bottom is that nothing can really faze or rile you. Not even your mother.
A few minutes later she calls me back with a conciliatory, "Claudia?"
"Yes?" I say.
"I"ve decided."
"And?"
"I"ll come," she says meekly.
"Good girl," I say.
Thanksgiving morning is bleak and gray and drizzly, but also unseasonably warm, a depressing holiday combination. It takes every bit of will I have to get out of bed, shower, and dress. One of my mother"s life principles flashes in my head if you dress up and look pretty, you will feel better . And although I basically agree with this, I discard the advice and settle on an ancient J. Crew roll neck sweater and a pair of Levi"s with threadbare knees. I tell myself that at least it beats sweats and sneakers, which I resist only because I can just envision "wearing sweats and sneakers on Thanksgiving" listed in a Suicide Warning Signs pamphlet.
I can"t find a cab so I have to walk to Penn Station and barely make my noon train. I am stuck in a seat facing backward, which always gives me motion sickness. Then, about halfway to Huntington, I realize that I left my fancy twenty-eight-dollar pumpkin pie from Balthazar on the kitchen counter. I say s.h.i.t aloud. An old woman across the aisle from me turns and gives me a disapproving stare. I mouth sorry , although I"m thinking, Mind your own business, lady . Then I spend the next twenty minutes worrying that I will turn into the kind of disgruntled person who dislikes old people. Or worse, I will become a bitter old person who hates the young.
When my father picks me up at the train station, I tell him that we need to swing by the grocery store to pick up a pie.
"Screw the pie," my dad says, which I translate to mean, I heard about Ben"s engagement .
"No. Really, Dad," I say. "I promised Daphne I"d bring a pumpkin pie."
Translation: I"m a total loser. All I have left is my word .
My dad shrugs and a few moments later we pull into the Waldbaum"s parking lot. I run inside, grab two skimpy pumpkin pies, already reduced to half price, and head for the express "twelve items or less" lane.
Fewer , I say to myself, thinking of how amused Ben was when I corrected grammar on public signage. Twelve items or fewer, dammit . I truly hope that Tucker is a math-science girl in the strictest sense of things and screws up her p.r.o.nouns on a daily basis. She is Harvard-educated, so I know her mistakes aren"t overt, as in, Me and Daddy are going to the store , but with some luck, she might be p.r.o.ne to making other sorts of mistakes, the kind intelligent people make while believing that they are being intelligent. Like failing to use the objective case for all parts of the compound object following a preposition, as in: Do you want to come with Daddy and I ?
The beauty of this is that Ben will be forced to think of me every single time. Then, one day, he might break down and share with Tucker the trick I taught him so long ago: Try each part of the object in a separate sentence. "Do you want to come with Daddy?" "Do you want to come with me?" Hence: "Do you want to come with Daddy and me ?" Maybe her eyes will narrow and a cloud will pa.s.s over her face. "Did your ex-wife teach you that one?" she"ll say with disdain born from jealousy and failure to measure up. Because she might be able to put people back together again, but she will never be able to diagram a sentence as I can.
Then, as I"m paying for my two sorry pies and some Cool Whip, I see Charlie, my high school boyfriend, get in line behind me. I usually like running into Charlie, and other high school friends, but my divorce has changed that. It"s just not the sort of update you feel like inserting in small talk, but at the same time, it"s rather impossible to avoid mentioning. Besides, I"ve about reached my quota for chance meetings this week and don"t have it in me to be friendly. I keep my head low and slip the checkout girl a twenty.
Just as I think I"m going to escape, Charlie says, "Claudia? Is that you?"
It occurs to me to pretend that I didn"t hear him and just keep walking, but I like Charlie and don"t want to come across as an urban sn.o.b, something he once accused me of being, so I turn, smile, and give him my best impersonation of a happy, well-adjusted adult. "Hey, Charlie!" I say. "Happy Thanksgiving!"
"You, too, Claudia!" he says, pushing forward his last-minute items: a gallon of whole milk, three cans of cranberry sauce, and a box of tampons. "How ya doin"?"
"Fine!" I say brightly as I look down and see Charlie"s son shaking a pack of orange Tic Tacs. He looks exactly like Charlie"s kindergarten photo, which was framed in his foyer the whole time we were dating. The little boy looks up at his father and says, "Can we get these, Dad?"
I antic.i.p.ate a, No. Put it back , which is the standard parental grocery-store retort, but Charlie says, "Sure. Why not?" and tosses the Tic Tacs on the belt.
I smile, remembering what I liked most about my first boyfriend, his knee-jerk response was always, "Why not?" He was uncomplicated and upbeat and easy. At one point, I might have thought these traits made him a simpleton, but now I think they just translate to happiness. After all, he is the one with a family. He is the one buying hygiene products for his spouse. And I"m the one who is divorced, with my father waiting for me in the car outside.
"So what"s doin"?" Charlie says with a big smile.
"Not much," I say and try to deflect with a question about his son. "Is this your oldest?"
"No!" Charlie says. "This is my youngest, Jake Jake, this is Claudia."
Jake and I shake hands, and I pray that we"re winding up, but then Charlie asks, "How"s Ben?"
"Actually, we got a divorce," I say.
"I"m sorry."
"Don"t be," I say. "He"s getting remarried."
Then I laugh at my own joke. Charlie does, too, but it is the awkward sort of pity-laugh, not a ha-ha laugh. We exchange a few more pleasantries, both of us promising to tell our families h.e.l.lo. All the while, I can tell he"s thinking, I knew it. I knew she was in for a sad life when she told me after our prom that she didn"t want kids .
Daphne has everything under control when my father and I arrive at her house. But by under control, I don"t mean Maura"s version of polished perfection. On the contrary, Daphne"s house is in a state of noisy disarray. The kitchen is a mess, and Tony"s football game is competing with Daphne"s favorite Enrique Iglesias CD and their frantic Yorkies. Still, everything smells good and feels comfortable. Daphne is standing at the stove, all four burners ablaze. She is wearing her GOT CARBS? ap.r.o.n and looks relaxed. My father joins Tony in the family room, and I put my pies and Cool Whip in the refrigerator and say, "Hope you have dessert backup."
"Of course I do," Daphne says, smiling proudly and pointing to a freshly rolled-out pie crust on the counter.
"So," I say, settling onto a bar stool. "Have you heard from Maura? Is he coming?"
Daphne knows I"m referring to Scott. She sets about peeling a Granny Smith apple and tells me that as of this morning, Maura hadn"t decided whether to let him come or stay home alone. She was pleased to know that Scott"s parents and sister"s family had already booked a trip to Disney World for the holiday, so if she chose to exclude him, he"d have no backup plan.
A moment later we hear my mother and Dwight at the front door.
"h.e.l.l- ooo ?" my mother trills as she sails into the kitchen, heavily perfumed, wearing a flowing St. John ensemble with navy pumps. Her outfit conjures the phrase "dressy casual," which is her favorite dress-code designation for her own parties. Despite her allergies to dogs, she gathers up Daphne"s Yorkies and allows them to lick her mouth. "He-wo, Gary! He-wo, Anna!" she croons as I think that baby talk to dogs is only slightly more annoying than baby talk to babies.
Dwight is also dressy casual. He is sporting ta.s.seled loafers, Ray Bans, and a jacket with shiny, gold b.u.t.tons. He takes off his gla.s.ses and presents three bottles of merlot to Daphne. Then he rubs his hands together vigorously enough to start a fire. "Soo, ladies, what"s shakin"?" he says, surveying the simmering pots. "Smells good in here, Daph!"
Then, as I watch him strut around the kitchen, I think of how Ben used to imitate his walk and say, "Ever notice the way Dwight"s pelvis enters a room about five minutes before he does?" I always liked when he made fun of Dwight, yet the thought that Ben might share such observations about my family (even my mother"s husband) with his bride-to-be has the strangest effect of creating loyalty where none existed before. Dwight isn"t a bad guy, I think, as I kiss him h.e.l.lo for what very well could be the first time ever. I wait for my mother to put down the dogs, wash her hands, and use her inhaler. Then I give her a hug.
"So good of you to dress up," she whispers in my ear.
I smile and say, "Yes. But you"ll be happy to know that should there be an accident and I am disrobed by a paramedic, I am wearing my best underwear."
She smiles as if to say, I taught you well .
The doorbell rings, and we all glance at each other nervously, a question hanging in the air: Will Scott show up with his family ?
Even my mother is subdued.
"You get the door," Daphne says as she nervously reties her ap.r.o.n.
I head to the door. When I open it, I am genuinely surprised to see Scott. I really thought Maura was leaning toward banishment. Hillary Clinton"s quote about Bill pops into my head: "He"s a hard dog to keep on the porch." Clearly the same can be said of Scott. Although here he is, back on the porch with Maura.
"Hi, guys," I say, bending down to hug the kids first. Zoe points to her st.i.tches, or more accurately, the spot where they once were. "They disappeared," she says. "Just like Dr. Steve said they would!"
I laugh and hug her again.
When I stand, I look right into Scott"s eyes. For once, they don"t look smug or beady. Instead, he is more chagrined and contrite than he was on Sat.u.r.day night. And Maura looks even peppier. I think to myself, Carefree, confident, popular girl is on a date with ever-grateful, second-tier wannabe . It is role reversal for them, and I am filled with a sense of nostalgia, remembering that was how my sister used to be, in the days before Scott. I wonder what happened first. Did Scott"s behavior change Maura into a victim and put her in a constant state of anxiety? Or did her priorities somehow get skewed, so that she could allow someone like Scott in her life?
I give him a chilly h.e.l.lo and then kiss my sister. More tense h.e.l.los are exchanged in the kitchen. Then we all move into the family room to watch the football game that only Tony really cares about. I keep my mind off Ben by observing Scott and Maura. He is pandering to her every need, refilling her wine gla.s.s, rubbing her shoulders, handling the kids when they act up and I find myself thinking of one of Annie"s theories on relationships that she calls the "benevolent dictator" theory. She says that in an ideal relationship, the balance of power is equal. But if someone has to have more power, that someone needs to be the woman. Her reasoning is that when most men wield the power, they abuse it and succ.u.mb to their innately self-serving, self-indulgent instincts. Women who have power, on the other hand, tend to rule in the interest of the family unit rather than their own self-interest. Which is why matriarchal societies are peaceful, harmonious ones. And why societies ruled by males are ultimately destroyed in war.
Of course when Annie first shared this theory with me in college, I tried to debunk it with tales of my own parents. I told her my mother held all the power and was all about self-interest-while my father was the well-intentioned good guy. Yet, upon looking around, I had to begrudgingly admit that Annie was onto something and that my family seemed to be the exception to the rule. My friends with divorced parents almost all had pa.s.sive martyrs for mothers; and the ones with parents in strong marriages all seemed to have forceful mothers and doting husbands.
I watch Maura now, imagining her coronation as benevolent dictator. The ruler who could have cruelly left Scott at home with a Swanson frozen dinner after usurping him from the throne. Instead, she brought him along to our family feast. She showed him a drop of grace and at least short-term clemency. Some might say this makes her a fool or a coward. I might have said the same thing last week. But as I watch her today, I think it has more to do with strength of spirit, of wanting to do what is best for her children and struggling to find that answer. Still, children or no children, I also know that she"s reached the end of the line. If Scott is lucky enough to survive this incident, I am certain that she will not tolerate another betrayal, even a small hint of one. This is his final, final chance at redemption. I can tell Scott knows it, too.
I just wonder if sheer force of will to forgive can be enough to set things right for my sister and her family. Because after all, power is one thing. Love is a different creature altogether.
When the turkey is done, we are told to migrate to the dining room, despite Tony"s request that we watch the end of the game and eat on TV trays. Daphne doesn"t dignify this with a response. Instead she ignores him and says, "Everyone grab a beverage and c"mon!"
Dwight leads the charge, a gla.s.s of wine in one hand and a can of diet Dr Pepper in the other. As he rounds the corner, he booms, "Whoa! Look out! a.s.signed seating!"
Sure enough, Daphne has set the table with little place cards made out of brown construction paper and pilgrim stickers. She has placed smaller ones at a card table for Zoe, Patrick, and William.
Maura eagerly circles the table, inspecting the names, as people do at a wedding reception. She quickly plucks Scott"s up and switches it with Dwight"s so that she is no longer seated next to her husband. Meanwhile, Scott frowns and the rest of us pretend not to notice as we take our seats.
Tony says the blessing, and afterward, Daphne insists on adhering to our family tradition, we all must name something we are grateful for. I personally think that that is a mighty dangerous activity considering the tenuous circ.u.mstances that comprise our lives on this particular Thursday. But I"m not about to rock the boat. Instead, my mind races with generic possibilities for my own offering.
Daphne gives a final instruction, "Remember. No repeats." Then she says, "Dwight, you can start."
Dwight smiles and says, "Okey dokey. I"m grateful for the food on this table that Daphne prepared for us. Everything looks great!"
"Dammit, Dwight," I say. "You took mine."
Dwight laughs and says, "I"m also grateful that I got to go first!"
Zoe clamors to go next. She says she is grateful that her head is better and that she had so much fun with Aunt Claudia last weekend. I smile at her. Zoe then says she will go for Patrick and William. She says that her brothers are grateful for all of their toys and books.
My mother picks up at the adult table where Dwight left off. She looks at the ceiling, as if pondering her bounty of blessings. She is always good for an unexpected, attention-grabbing song of thanksgiving. One year it was: " I"m grateful that Ross Perot did so well in this year"s election . "Another year: " I"m grateful that my husband Dwight now knows that gifts from Kohl"s and other retail stores of that ilk, though well intentioned, are not acceptable ."
This year she goes the self-aggrandizing route and says, "I"m thankful for the creative energy our Lord has bestowed upon me as I have embarked on my exciting new career in photography."
I try not to crack up and am a.s.sisted in this effort by the fact that Scott is up. His eyes remain closed, as if still in prayer. Last year I remember he was grateful that the stock market was finally rebounding and the economy getting back on track. This year, he clears his throat and says, "I"m grateful to be here at this table."
His simple statement is the most genuine and humble utterance I"ve ever heard from him, and I can"t help feeling moved. I am a long ways from forgiving him, but I realize that empathy might be the first step. And I do feel nearly sorry for him. Maura, on the other hand, looks completely unfazed when she quickly comes back with, "I"m thankful for my beautiful children, my supportive parents, and my loyal sisters."
Ouch , I think.
"What about Daddy?" Zoe says. The child misses nothing .
"Oh, yes, Zoe, thank you," Maura says. "I"m grateful that you have a daddy who loves you and your brothers."
This seems to appease her, so we move on to my dad. After he gives his standard thanks for the health of everyone at the table, it is my turn.
I know I have a lot to be grateful for, but all I can think of is Ben. Of how my life feels so depleted without him. I think for another minute, surveying the faces around the table. Ben and I used to be our own little family, but now the people in this room are the only family I have. The only family I likely will ever have. So I say, "I am thankful for the love in this room. For knowing that despite any trouble we might find ourselves in, we will be here for one another in the end."
Everyone is quiet for a moment. Even William and Patrick look somber.
"Okay," I say. "Daph?"
We all look at my sister. She and Tony clasp hands and smile at each other, and I instantly know that they have big news. That we will all have something real to be happy about.
Sure enough, my sister smiles angelically and says, "Tony and I want to do one together this year." Then she looks around the table and says, "We are grateful that G.o.d is finally blessing us with a child."
My mother gasps. "Dear G.o.d! You"re pregnant! It"s a miracle!"
"No, Mother," Daphne says quickly. "I"m not pregnant But you"re right, it is a miracle."