Mild feelings of compromising He will think he is one lucky yourself. These will pa.s.s.
b.a.s.t.a.r.d and look down with superiority at all the poor slobs around him.
He will change the next stinky diaper without being asked.
You will buy yourself a couple of days, maybe even a week.
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. . . Five Minutes Later Get Out of Mommy Mode: Reclaim Your s.e.xuality The whole b.l.o.w.j.o.b thing is well and good. It works, but that"s slightly beside the point. It"s a stopgap. A Band-Aid. The real questions are a lot harder. Girls, don"t we all deserve to have a good s.e.x life? Shouldn"t we aspire to have The whole b.l.o.w.j.o.b thing is well and good. It works, but that"s slightly beside the point. It"s a stopgap. A Band-Aid. The real questions are a lot harder. Girls, don"t we all deserve to have a good s.e.x life? Shouldn"t we aspire to have great great s.e.x rather than s.e.x rather than marriage-maintenance marriage-maintenance s.e.x? Or at least to have s.e.x? Or at least to have great great s.e.x a few times a year? s.e.x a few times a year?
* What makes you feel s.e.xy these days?
What would really put you in the mood? put you in the mood?
The three of us asked ourselves these questions and couldn"t answer them.
We looked at each other blankly. We stared at the ceiling. The girl who used to feel that way seemed like an old friend we hadn"t heard from in a long time. Men are not miracle workers. If we do nothing to maintain our sense of self and just surrender completely to being Mommies, how can we expect them to make us feel s.e.xy and desirable? We all have to pull ourselves far enough out of the mommy vacuum to reclaim at least a portion of our s.e.xual, vital selves.
We asked our friends what they do to get themselves in the mood.
Here are some of their recommendations: The "s.e.x Life" of New Parents 145.
"We get a room in a hotel. The s.e.x is great and the room service is even better."
"I read a dirty beach book or sometimes even The Joy of s.e.x The Joy of s.e.x (best done with a gla.s.s of wine) and earmark the pages for him to read." (best done with a gla.s.s of wine) and earmark the pages for him to read."
"I wear s.e.xy underwear all day. I splurge a little on this. If you"re going to do this, don"t cheap out, because by 6:00 p.m., you"ll feel itchy, not s.e.xy."
"Sometimes I go to bed naked. My husband likes the "surprise"
when he gets in bed, and it helps me get revved up faster."
"When I am in the changing room at the gym I take a good look at the other women. This is what real women look like. Not like the stick insects in magazines and on television. I realize that I look better than a lot of them."
"I like it when my husband acts like he really wants me- especially when we"re out somewhere like the mall and he can"t do anything about it. The gleam in his eye is a turn-on for me."
"When we go out to parties, I like to flirt (tastefully, of course) with the other men there. It reminds me of my old self. It"s nice to get a little attention. It also reminds me why I like my husband so much."
"G.o.d, don"t tell anyone, but we watch the dirty-movie channels in our bedroom late at night. Just a couple of minutes of that pretty much gets me raring to go, even if I wasn"t in the mood before."
Strike While the Iron (Psst, That"s You, Honey) Is Hot "Sometimes I take the s.e.xual initiative just because I know that he needs it. On average I would say half the time. Usually, if I give him the ball he runs with it."
-Marianne, married 12 years, 5 kids How often have you initiated s.e.x in the last six months? In the last six years? Most of us never do. But when you you take the initiative, you have take the initiative, you have 146 146 s.e.x on your terms, when you you want it. You feel less like a rabbit in a cage waiting for your husband to make his move. You feel more in control and your husband feels, well, great. It can have a hugely positive impact on your marriage. want it. You feel less like a rabbit in a cage waiting for your husband to make his move. You feel more in control and your husband feels, well, great. It can have a hugely positive impact on your marriage.
It takes some practice when you"ve been out of the habit for a while.
Capitalize on a stray thought in the middle of the day. Hang on to it for later. Call your husband at work to tell him you"re suddenly feeling amorous. Take an extra sneak peek at that good-looking guy at the gym. Needless to say, your husband will be thrilled that you want him (him, not the guy in the gym) and wonder what he did to spark your interest. Just by thinking about s.e.x differently-as an activity you once enjoyed and might again one day, as opposed to one more demand that"s made on your time and your body, you might start to get more interested.
"If I feel even the slightest inkling-I"ve learned to act on it."
-Janice, married 5 years, 1 kid Dull Women Have Immaculate Lives d.a.m.n you, Martha Stewart! One of the reasons we have less time and energy for s.e.x is because we let household minutiae and our kids" social calendars drain us. Lazy Moms have more s.e.x. They"ve got more energy for it. We can spend too much time finding the perfect Christmas card in July (with everyone dressed in matching reindeer sweaters for the photo), or organizing our cupboards in smallest-to-largest contain-ers, and neglect our relationships. We can get more concerned with the minutiae than with keeping our marriages humming. When it comes to When it comes to housekeeping, go for the "Gentleman"s C." housekeeping, go for the "Gentleman"s C." You can eke out a perfectly re-spectable-looking household with much less effort than would appear to the outsider. Learn to leave it. Save yourself. You can eke out a perfectly re-spectable-looking household with much less effort than would appear to the outsider. Learn to leave it. Save yourself.
Dull Women Have Immaculate Lives. And really, who wants to be a dull woman? Given the choice between making a ca.s.serole and having s.e.x, perhaps there are times when we could choose s.e.x. We"ve learned that maintaining a closer relationship with our husbands generally trumps a clean kitchen fl oor. And really, who wants to be a dull woman? Given the choice between making a ca.s.serole and having s.e.x, perhaps there are times when we could choose s.e.x. We"ve learned that maintaining a closer relationship with our husbands generally trumps a clean kitchen fl oor.
The "s.e.x Life" of New Parents 147.
If you feel wiped out at the end of the day, try leaving the house in chaos and just sit beside your husband and watch TV or take a bath.
Because if you"re already feeling tired-with each toy you pick up and T-shirt you fold, your annoyance with him is going to grow tenfold. By the time you get into bed you"ll want to kick him, not kiss him. A few times a month, try to be a slacker housewife. If your husband complains, tell him why. We have yet to hear of a man who would choose an immaculate bathroom over s.e.x.
Just Do It "As far as I can tell, what men really expect from marriage is a constant supply of s.e.x. I"m not sure that is a lot to ask especially considering that women need a bit more attention and the kids need to be driven all those places. I am trying to buck up and be open to s.e.x more often."
-Carla, married 9 years, 2 kids Otherwise known as "suit up and show up." In an ideal world, or at least in the world of soap-opera television and movie romance that we all grew up with, s.e.x would always be preceded by overwhelming feelings of l.u.s.t and love toward your husband and an irresistible urge to be swept away in a roiling sea of all-night pa.s.sion with him. If such feelings were a prerequisite for s.e.x we"d have s.e.x about twice a year.
But, hey, the stars don"t always have to be in perfect alignment, the temperature in the room doesn"t have to be a constant seventy-two degrees, the light doesn"t have to fall just right through the gently breeze-blown curtains, our hair doesn"t have to be washed, our stomachs don"t have to be f lat, and the children don"t need to be at our mother"s.
Important note! Speaking of flat stomachs and the whole body-image thing, most guys echoed the thoughts of our friend Tim who told us: "Even though I know Margot doesn"t feel that great about her body, I still find her as attractive as ever."
When the three of us realized how important s.e.x was to our husbands and the health of our marriages, we decided to occasionally "buck up," as 148 148 Carla put it. Even though we don"t always want to, sometimes we just do it. It"s a shame, really, that it can sometimes feel so ch.o.r.elike, but unlike doing the laundry, it does have side benefi ts.
"The more I do it, the more I want to do it. My youngest kid is almost three, and I"m starting to get some of my old s.e.x drive back. In the meantime, I"m doing my best to just stay in the game."
-Nora, married 10 years, 3 kids How to Ask Him to Help The three of us spent a lot of time being ticked off at our husbands for not pitching in as much as we thought they should. What we"ve learned is the following: guys need targets to hit. While you"re having that little tete-a- tete about how much s.e.x you"re going to have, you can negotiate a little more help in return. Combine this discussion with a specifi c specifi c one about the division of labor and who will do what. When he has a set of goals he can reach, he"s fine. He doesn"t understand the "general expectation" way of thinking. When he has a list to check off, you"ll get some help, and he"ll feel good about hitting his targets. one about the division of labor and who will do what. When he has a set of goals he can reach, he"s fine. He doesn"t understand the "general expectation" way of thinking. When he has a list to check off, you"ll get some help, and he"ll feel good about hitting his targets.
S O LUTI O N S FO R M E N.
In talking to men, we"ve heard from guys who are just about as low as a man can get because of lack of s.e.x. Guys, the three of us are trying to feel your pain. We get it now, so you have to trust us. We can help you get more We get it now, so you have to trust us. We can help you get more s.e.x, but your handicap is going to suffer. s.e.x, but your handicap is going to suffer. The bad news is that our pseu-doscientific research did actually confirm your worst nightmare: there The bad news is that our pseu-doscientific research did actually confirm your worst nightmare: there are are guys out there having more s.e.x than you. But keep the faith, because that same research also showed there are lots of things you can do to up your average. guys out there having more s.e.x than you. But keep the faith, because that same research also showed there are lots of things you can do to up your average.
We wish we could sum it all up for you in a neat little formula, but women are complicated (and therefore fascinating) creatures who require a little more effort than you may have thought you"d have to expend after you got married. We can"t give you a + b = c a + b = c, but we can give you a few The "s.e.x Life" of New Parents 149.
long-term investment strategies to implement. We"re not saying you will automatically get laid every night you do the dishes or take her out for a pizza, but you will create a more positive atmosphere, and hopefully, fi nd a major payoff at the end.
* Investment Strategy #1: Try stepping up to the domestic responsibility plate in a big way. Not a puny way, but in a Babe Ruth kind of way. Big hits. Game after game after game. Women who reported they were more into s.e.x said their husbands had put their arms around their share of the domestic burden and given it a big ol" man hug. We call it redefining foreplay. The women felt respected. They had time and energy and enthusiasm left over for such dedicated and thoughtful husbands.
* Investment Strategy #2: Women want their Mommy Brains turned off and their Womanly Brains turned on. Romantic attention shouldn"t Romantic attention shouldn"t just evaporate once you"ve bagged yourself that deer. just evaporate once you"ve bagged yourself that deer.
Wait a minute before you start groaning and saying, "Great, more work- another day in the coal mine," consider this: focusing on s.e.x is more work for your wife. Putting out, especially when she"s not in the mood, requires serious effort on her part. Here"s the effort you can expend for her. You say what you do around the house is never enough never enough. We can relate! We feel what we do in the bedroom is never enough never enough for you. for you.
Since no one, not even your harping, nagging wife, wants to talk about domestic c.r.a.p, let"s save that one for later and start with the romance.
The R-Word "The courtship ritual adds to your s.e.x life. I consciously set things up for us to do so I can be with my wife, the woman I fell in love with, away from the nightly a.s.sembly line of caring for the kids. I know some people hated dating and were really happy to get married. But I liked dating. I think a lot of that stuff adds to our relationship. We go out. We laugh. We have fun. And what do you know, when we come home, we generally wind up having s.e.x. You have to make time for each other."
-Scott, married 8 years, 2 kids 150.
Remember on Happy Days Happy Days when Fonzie couldn"t ever say the word when Fonzie couldn"t ever say the word "sorry?" "I"m sssssz-z-z-z-z." After they are married, lots of guys retire the word "romance" from their active vocabulary. One woman, who gave up planning all the date nights, told us it took her husband a year and a a year and a half half to notice they hadn"t gone out. Just because she"s landed you and had her babies, she still wants to know that you find her attractive and that she"s worth a little effort. to notice they hadn"t gone out. Just because she"s landed you and had her babies, she still wants to know that you find her attractive and that she"s worth a little effort.
When she"s working hard, in the largely thankless and decidedly uns.e.xy roles of "Mommy" and "Employee," she needs someone to remind her she is also "Honey" and "Gorgeous." We"re not talking surprise trips to Paris here (though don"t rule them out!), but when you plan simple, thoughtful, fun things for the two of you, she feels special and appreciated. But when you don"t don"t make any effort, you send the message that you just don"t care about her anymore, or that your relationship and her happiness are not all that important to you. make any effort, you send the message that you just don"t care about her anymore, or that your relationship and her happiness are not all that important to you. She can feel rejected and neglected She can feel rejected and neglected just the way you do. just the way you do.
"My wife has been telling me for four years now that she wants me to plan dates and think of things for us to do together. Why didn"t I ever do it? I"m not sure. Just didn"t seem to matter to me who did the planning. I guess she sees it differently. I used to do it all the time when we were dating and before we had the kids. And I was pretty good at it, too. I"m finally starting to realize this is important to her."
-Nick, married 7 years, 2 kids We Are Not a Math Equation Help us help you. With you, it"s as easy as pushing a b.u.t.ton. A fl ash of thigh and a strategically placed hand and you are in the mood. With us, it"s like manning the controls of a 747. We need your help to transition from Mommy to Mistress. The old strategies like lighting the occasional candle or playing a Van Morrison CD just won"t cut it anymore. It takes a lot more than a stick of incense to put a woman who has spent a sizable portion of her day herding two-year-olds "in the mood." We need to be put on notice. We need to start sloughing off the mantle of motherhood literally and figuratively hours before the main act. Unfortunately, we The "s.e.x Life" of New Parents With you, it"s as easy as pushing a b.u.t.ton. A fl ash of thigh and a strategically placed hand and you are in the mood. With us, it"s like manning the controls of a 747. We need your help to transition from Mommy to Mistress. The old strategies like lighting the occasional candle or playing a Van Morrison CD just won"t cut it anymore. It takes a lot more than a stick of incense to put a woman who has spent a sizable portion of her day herding two-year-olds "in the mood." We need to be put on notice. We need to start sloughing off the mantle of motherhood literally and figuratively hours before the main act. Unfortunately, we The "s.e.x Life" of New Parents 151.
need to be wooed and made ready. We need an hour to ourselves. When we have time to shave our legs, brush our teeth, and not worry about the bedlam outside the bedroom, we can more easily slip into lover mode.
A Cheat Sheet A little rusty in the romance department, huh? Been a while since you took her out to dinner? Here are some genuinely romantic gestures guys have told us they"ve made with very productive results (hint, hint): "I take her on a date. Regularly. Not a married-with-children date, a real date like the ones in the early days when I laughed at everything she said, tried to get her drunk, and feigned interest in whatever book she was reading."
"When it"s been a while, I"ll go rent a chick flick that I have no interest in watching, but I know she"ll love it. Maybe it"s just seeing all those hot actors, but I don"t care because it usually has the intended effect on her."
"I always write a card that"s thoughtful . . . men almost never do this and women love it."
"A full foot ma.s.sage might be the greatest gift a man can give a woman (at this point in her life). Under no circ.u.mstance should you suggest or ask for s.e.x afterward."
"Hire a ma.s.sage therapist to come to your house as a surprise."
"One day I woke up with the kids and left her a note that I took them for the day. She fl ipped."
"Once on her birthday, I threw her a party with all her friends.
She"ll tell you she doesn"t want it, but trust me, she"ll really love it. But you must organize and clean up."
"I book the sitter sometimes. I figured you don"t need some special code to talk to one. An occasional (or regular if you can afford it) sitter is one of, if not the, highest payoff investments in a marriage. Once, I even did it just for her to have time to herself. That blew her away!"
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"I tell her I think she"s s.e.xy. And she is. She"s smart. She"s beautiful. I still feel like a lucky guy. Sometimes, she gets a look on her face like she doesn"t believe me, but I know she still likes me to say it. How do I know? Because actions speak louder than words, baby."
"We all need positive reinforcement, men especially. Fortunately for us, we generally get it in the office, at home, etc. Stay-at-home moms generally don"t, which I hear can be devastating to their psyches. So I give her some. It makes her happy. And guess what? It"s free to give and you get a great deal in return."
Stop the Tap!
We hear you knocking, but you can"t come in. Guys told us they"d tried so hard to explain to their wives what s.e.x means to them, but there is one form of communication they use that is highly ineffective. When you "ask" not with words, but with the Ten O"Clock Shoulder Tap Ten O"Clock Shoulder Tap, and you keep "asking," over and over again, it"s just not going to get you anywhere.
Women view that as a demanding gesture, not an unspoken expression of love and tenderness. Best to try to find some words for it, guys. Talk to her and ask with genuine interest how her day was. If you don"t, you are reducing s.e.x to a purely physical act. Women don"t like s.e.x to feel mechanical. (And they sure don"t like it to feel like a command performance twenty-four hours after they said "not tonight" last night!) Your wife is an intelligent, interesting woman who"s still worth the wooing.
"Just Do It" for Men "We absolutely split the domestic burden fi ftyfifty, because my wife works full-time, too. She tells me I can be the boss in the bedroom because I am also the boss in the kitchen. I do most of the cooking and most of the grocery shopping. I also do most of the cleaning. And I pick up the kids, and I take care of things when she is out of town on business trips. It"s not a big deal.
And you know why? Because we still have s.e.x twice a week, that"s why. But I also know from experience that if that balance The "s.e.x Life" of New Parents 153.
slips beyond sixtyforty, so does the s.e.x. Sometimes the balance slips in her her favor and then I know what she means about being too tired to do it." favor and then I know what she means about being too tired to do it."
-Greg, married 10 years, 3 kids Of all the couples we spoke to, the ones where the man did two or more major household tasks on a regular basis were having more s.e.x. A lot more, in fact. What"s more, the women were much more enthusiastic about it. Like our friend Susan, whose husband works from home and does much of the cooking for the family, and and the school run every day, who reported, "Let"s just say there"s not a problem there, if you know what I mean." h.e.l.lo? Does much of the cooking? Does the school run every day? Imagine that-she"s got more energy and enthusiasm for s.e.x. the school run every day, who reported, "Let"s just say there"s not a problem there, if you know what I mean." h.e.l.lo? Does much of the cooking? Does the school run every day? Imagine that-she"s got more energy and enthusiasm for s.e.x.
Of course, her husband is Swedish, but maybe those Swedes are on to something.
We"ve recommended that women embrace a "Just Do It" approach to s.e.x. Being in the mood shouldn"t always be a prerequisite for s.e.x. By the same token, men should take the same approach to some of that aforementioned domestic c.r.a.p that they"ve come to expect their wives to deal with. They"re your kids, too. It"s your house, too. Pitching in in the kitchen can pay off in the bedroom.
Redefi ne Foreplay Foreplay is now all about lightening your wife"s load. Conserve her energy so that she has something left in the tank for you. Make the dinner.
Bathe the kids. Get up in the night every now and then. We know these things are not as much fun as blowing on the nape of her neck, but trust us, they are much more effective. It"s the thought that counts. It"s the thought that counts. Each time you take care of one of your wife"s to-dos, Each time you take care of one of your wife"s to-dos, especially without being asked especially without being asked, you make it easier for her to feel s.e.xy. The bottom line is: pitch in if you The bottom line is: pitch in if you want her to put out. want her to put out.
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"How Is That Att.i.tude Gonna Help You in the Bedroom, Buddy?"
When we suggest the New Definition of Foreplay to men as a strategy to land them in the sack more often, we can see them, even the ones who really do contribute in a substantial way, start to squirm and grimace.
Some men pride themselves on how little they do around the house.
One guy bragged that he"s never changed a dirty diaper. Another guy told his wife, before they had kids, that he would never do any of the child care or housework, and they could have kids only if she agreed to that arrangement. Asking some men to do the dishes is like asking them to have a root ca.n.a.l. They balk. They whine. They start looking around for someone else to do it. And there are also men out there, who, when left on their own with the kids, complain about how hard it is, but then, when their wife comes home, tell her it was all a piece of cake.
We say to all these men, "How is that att.i.tude gonna help you in the bedroom, buddy?" What"s your end goal? Get over your big, bad manly self.
If your wife is making a serious effort to meet you in the bedroom with her bells on, then you can make a serious effort to meet her in the kitchen with an oven mitt. Those guys that marry Mommy are often startled to find she"s suddenly not that into taking care of them them after she has children. after she has children.
Mommy"s got a Brand New Baby, Honey. And Mommy"s tired.
A Quick Word About Timing: Nighttime May Not Be the Right Time Don"t underestimate the importance of timing. The end of the day may be perfect for some women. For most, it isn"t. They are spent, in every way, and the thought of revving up when they want to settle down is part of the reason they get turned off. Some women told us they are much more interested in s.e.x first thing in the morning when they are not yet in Mommy Mode, before intrusive thoughts of the number of bananas in the house and permissions slips for field trips start making their way into her head. She might even be coming out of a particularly interesting dream. Try setting the alarm a half hour early. Others like a The "s.e.x Life" of New Parents 155.
little Sat.u.r.day afternoon delight when the kids are hanging out with the electronic babysitter. One friend even reported she likes her husband to wake her up in the middle of the night. (To each his own, but maybe ask your wife before you try this last approach. Interrupting her precious sleep might get you nothing but a fat lip.) "What"s the bottom line? Remember how things were and how you treated one another in those first few months of dating.
It"s impossible to replicate (and hold down a job, and raise children, etc.) but not that hard to approximate."
-Josh, married 8 years, 3 kids Same Story, Same Planet Here"s how that scene with Kevin and Janet could have played out with a few minor rewrites: Kevin: "I was thinking about Janet on the flight home. I"ve been traveling a lot lately and we haven"t seen much of each other.
And, of course, I"m wondering if she"ll be in the mood later on- after all, it"s been eight days, five hours, and twenty-eight minutes since we last had s.e.x. When I got home, she gave me a big hug so I started feeling optimistic. But I hadn"t even gotten my tie off when she starts laying into me with my "a.s.signments": "Can you get the kids bathed? Did you remember to call the bank? Did you pick up the dry cleaning? Not the best "welcome home" she could have given me, but she looked wiped out so I just herded the kids upstairs and got to it."
Janet: "I was so glad when Kevin got home. Finally, some relief!
He took the kids upstairs to do Bed Bath & Beyond while I started cleaning up dinner. I heard them laughing and running around up there, and thought "oh, screw the dishes," and went to join in the fun."
Kevin: "So I"m playing with the kids and Janet comes in. She puts her arms around me and says, "You"re a fantastic Dad and I love you." I felt like a million bucks. I had a c.r.a.ppy day at work.
This is what makes it all worthwhile. Later I"m waiting in bed.
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She finally arrives. It"s like, "Ah, my woman is here!" But she had something sticky in her hair."
Janet: "Joey wet his new big-boy underpants as soon as I got him into bed, and the baby vomited on me-yet again-after his bedtime bottle. After cleaning up all that c.r.a.p, I didn"t even have the energy to change my puke-stained shirt. I finally sink into bed and Kevin starts cracking up. He says, "Hey Honey, you"re beautiful-but what"s that stuff in your hair?" I know its regurgitated formula, and I don"t feel very beautiful, but I loved hearing him say that anyway. And I loved that he could help me laugh after a day like this. He reached over, but I stopped him before the launch sequence was activated. "I know it"s been a while. Can we please, please, please wait till morning? What time is your fl ight? OK, it"s a date. Set the alarm." I curled up next to him, which I have to admit I haven"t done in a while, and it felt pretty good."
Kevin: "Well, it"s not perfect, but hey, it"s worth it. Wonder if I can bring her with me to Phoenix next time. No need for Spank-aVision. Ooh, or maybe she"d even watch it with me . . . Bow chicka wow wow. . . ."
F I V E.