Have a Little Fun, Would Ya?
Occasionally, it"s also OK to let our standards slip. No need to be a 24/7 control freak. If our in-laws/parents are watching the kids and bedtime slides from 8:00 p.m. to 9:00 p.m., so be it. If Grandma"s thing is to take the kids out for ice cream, let her do it sometimes. If Grandpa wants to dig for worms in the backyard and everyone gets filthy in the process, throw them in the bath and try not to throw a fit. A little ice cream and a little dirt might even be good for us, too. Let"s just sit back, put our feet up, and let them enjoy each other.
Sometimes the Lioness Has to Roar Of course, there may be times when an out-of-line relative violates our newfound goodwill and tolerance, and/or the lioness in us rears her head for one reason or another, especially when the health and safety of the cubs is in question. (Interestingly, some women who bite their tongue 188 188 for years in the face of an overbearing relative find they suddenly have a voice after they have a baby.) Sometimes, the roaring is completely justified. But other times, the lioness might overreact and respond badly to a perceived infringement on her turf. What happens then?
* If it"s minor, try ignoring it and, if at all possible, laugh about it.
* Instigate a respectful communication between all offending (and offended) family members that hopefully mends the fence.
S O LUTI O N S FO R M E N.
Be Our Wingman Guys, when there is tension in the family, or your mother is doing her "thing," we need you to be our wingman; we need you to run interference run interference.
Even where there is no tension and all family members get on like a house on fire, we still need you to engage engage.
Communication It"s that d.a.m.n C-word again . . . but we think we really are onto something here-a revolutionary new idea-talking. Specifi cally, here"s what to talk to your wife about: Defi ne "reasonable." How much time do you think is fair and reasonable to spend with her family? (Note: not how much time you How much time do you think is fair and reasonable to spend with her family? (Note: not how much time you want want to spend, but what you think is a decent compromise.) If you don"t want the kids to spend so much time with your in-laws, that"s fair enough, but realize that you will likely need to step in to give her the break that she got from leaving them with the grandparents. If you"re not willing to do that, then scale back on the control thing. You can"t have your cake and eat it, too. to spend, but what you think is a decent compromise.) If you don"t want the kids to spend so much time with your in-laws, that"s fair enough, but realize that you will likely need to step in to give her the break that she got from leaving them with the grandparents. If you"re not willing to do that, then scale back on the control thing. You can"t have your cake and eat it, too.
Dad"s domain. If there are things that are important for you, and If there are things that are important for you, and only only you you, to do with your kids, let your wife (she will then tell her parents) In-Laws and Outlaws 189.
and your parents know what they are. Stake out your territory. No one wants to step on your manhood. And even if a family member does, your wife will run interference for you all day long to support you spending quality time with the kids on their bikes, on the playing field, or at the chessboard.
Stay in the Game There"s no subst.i.tute for the real thing. And the real thing is And the real thing is you you. No matter how fabulous your dad is he"s not your your kids" dad. You can"t just enlist your parents to take care of the kids every other weekend, and tell yourself that grandparent time is all the quality family time the kids need. They need you, too. kids" dad. You can"t just enlist your parents to take care of the kids every other weekend, and tell yourself that grandparent time is all the quality family time the kids need. They need you, too.
Call your mother. Several wives recounted their frustration that they were the ones who ended up managing all of the birthday, anniversary, and Hallmark-related holiday responsibilities. Your wife doesn"t want to be the Gatekeeper to your family as well as her own. Keeping up with everyone is a lot of work and shouldn"t be a one-person job. Several wives recounted their frustration that they were the ones who ended up managing all of the birthday, anniversary, and Hallmark-related holiday responsibilities. Your wife doesn"t want to be the Gatekeeper to your family as well as her own. Keeping up with everyone is a lot of work and shouldn"t be a one-person job.
"Every Mother"s Day, I"m the one making sure the kids call his mother. It"s the same thing for his parents" birthdays. How did all that end up on my plate?"
-Ruth, married 11 years, 2 kids It"s not just about how your wife feels, though. No matter how much your parents and siblings love your wife, she is not your replacement.
They want to continue to have a direct relationship with you, too.
BONUS SECTION: S O LUTI O N S FO R.
G R A N D PA R E NT S.
Grandparents, we want to be clear: now that we are parents ourselves, we worship the ground you walk on. Despite all the huffing and puffi ng that"s just taken place in the previous pages, at our core, we are thankful for your loving presence in all our lives-especially after you put up with the likes of us all these years.
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As you can tell, though, from what you"ve just read, the family wires sometimes get a little crossed. We realize that"s not unique to our generation. Our parents had challenges with their in-laws, and our grandparents had them, too. Chances are you you can recount a tale or two about how someone came barging into your fledgling nest. So we hope you understand where we"re coming from. can recount a tale or two about how someone came barging into your fledgling nest. So we hope you understand where we"re coming from.
You might ask yourself, "Could that be me? Am I the dreaded in-law?
Am I the village idiot?" More than likely, that"s not the case at all. Remember, we"re all just figuring this out as we go. Regardless, below is a summary of what couples have told us they"d like you to know. We"ve also included some examples of things you can do that will catapult you to Rock Star Grandparent Status and have your children begging for you to come over.
How to Be a Rock Star: Doing What"s Best for Their Their Family Family "I"m really lucky. My parents just get it. They"ve never put pressure on me to organize our vacations around them. They just say, "Let us know what you want to do and we"ll fi t in around your plans." And they do. Every time."
-Emily, married 6 years, 1 kid Cheer Us On . . . From the Sidelines The parents" marriage is the linchpin of the family. When the couple thrives, the whole family thrives. If your behavior is causing tension between the couple, you are hurting them and, possibly, your grandkids, too.
"I"ve got a great mother-in-law. She supports our marriage above her own desire to be with us. She tells my wife, "You need to be with your husband. We"ll see you however we see you." "
-Frank, married 7 years, 2 kids In-Laws and Outlaws 191.
Your Help Is Manna from Heaven Maybe this is obvious, but just in case it isn"t, more than anything else, parents of young kids need hands-on help. As Moms of preschoolers, we can tell you there"s nothing more wonderful that hearing the words, "Hi, I"m here. How can I help?"
"My father-in-law is so easygoing and totally helpful. Whenever he"s in the house he has a kid in his arms. He"s always changing a diaper, or kicking a ball or feeding someone. He never stops. I wish I had some of that energy!"
-Sabrina, married 7 years, 2 kids Follow the Leader We value your help and support so much. We honestly don"t mean to make you feel like you have to walk on eggsh.e.l.ls. But there are times when it can feel like you don"t respect our role as the ultimate authority.
You seem to be pulling an Alexander Haig-like "I"m in charge here"- mistakenly usurping power that isn"t really yours. An innocent comment about whether the children are enrolled in too many activities can get under our skin, perhaps more than it should. The best strategy is simply to bite your tongue and go with the flow (or you might bet booed off the stage).
"I love it that my in-laws just check in with me before they do things. They ask what kinds of toys our kids might want for their birthdays, or what books might be appropriate to get them. When I know they respect me, it makes the trust automatic."
-Tonya, married 10 years, 3 kids Some grandparents drive their kids to distraction with their desire to "be alone" with the grandkids. That"s an easy one to solve. As long as you show your understanding of, and commitment to, the parents" wishes, we are more than happy to hand over the kiddos. You"ll likely get your hands on them a little more often than you bargained for!
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You"re Already a Champion in Our Hearts Grandparenting is not an Olympic sport. They don"t give out gold medals because you gave the grandkids a bigger birthday present than the other ones did. The best grandparent is a present one, not a present-wielding one. Relax. The kids have plenty of love to go around. Grandparenting is not an Olympic sport. They don"t give out gold medals because you gave the grandkids a bigger birthday present than the other ones did. The best grandparent is a present one, not a present-wielding one. Relax. The kids have plenty of love to go around.
And Please, Leave the Fishing Gear at Home. We know exactly what you"re up to when you ask where a particular gift came from or how often another grandparent calls. For those of you with compet.i.tive leanings, remember, "the opposition" has as much right to love and be loved by those kids as you do. Step back and let them have their turn. We know exactly what you"re up to when you ask where a particular gift came from or how often another grandparent calls. For those of you with compet.i.tive leanings, remember, "the opposition" has as much right to love and be loved by those kids as you do. Step back and let them have their turn.
Each set is ent.i.tled to their Exclusive Access. Fair"s fair!
"My parents live in the same town as us. My in-laws live in another state. Whenever they come to stay, my mom stays away so that they can have their time with the kids. She talks about Bill and Mary (my husband"s parents) to the kids all the time.
And both sets will invite the other to their homes for holiday celebrations so that everyone can enjoy the kids together."
-Renee, married 8 years, 2 kids Avoid "Vessel Syndrome"
Quite a few people commented that their own parents seem to overlook them entirely once the grandkids arrive. We are delighted that you are so enthralled with the kids, but, hey, don"t forget about us, OK? We need you, too. Gary said, "I"m so low on the list, my own parents don"t even ask how I"m doing anymore."
"My mom adores the kids, but she is still concerned about me, too. She always asks if I"m getting enough sleep, getting out to exercise, etc. I may be the mom now, but it"s still really nice to know that she is there for me."
-Valerie, married 7 years, 2 kids Several women felt like they were little more than a means to an end (i.e., the grandkids) when they were pregnant. Our friend Hillary commented, "I felt like I was nothing more than a vessel to produce her In-Laws and Outlaws 193.
grandchildren. A uterus. She would call on an almost daily basis to ask about what I had eaten." Pregnant Moms have feelings, too, ya know.
Can"t We All Just Get Along?
Who are the real children in your family and who is just acting like a child? Sometimes it"s hard to tell with all the shenanigans that go on.
Let"s all just share the pails and shovels and play nice with each other in the family sandbox.
S I X.
Ramping Up and Giving In More Kids, More Chaos "I"d gotten all four kids dressed in their party clothes, and we were actually on time for the birthday party. I felt like SuperMom. Then, I looked up to see Ashley on the slide. I"d forgotten her underpants. So much for having it all under control."
-Marilyn, married 11 years, 4 kids "Evolution of a father: with the first kid, Ross still played golf most weekends. With the second, he was home helping out.
With the third, one day he he told told me me we were running low on kitty litter. I told him that was a turn-on." we were running low on kitty litter. I told him that was a turn-on."
-Stacie, married 9 years, 3 kids What Are You Thinking Thinking?
Hey, I know! Let"s have another one! Just when you start to get the hang of the whole parenting thing, you go and have another baby. Just when you start to get the hang of the whole parenting thing, you go and have another baby. How hard can it How hard can it be? be? you ask yourselves. you ask yourselves. We"ve already made the biggest transition-becoming parents in the first place. What difference will another one make? We"ve already made the biggest transition-becoming parents in the first place. What difference will another one make?
What difference will another one make? Can you guess what we"re going to say?
Don"t have any more kids because it"s just too hard and you"ll ruin your marriage? marriage? No. No.
Your life is so totally over? No. (Well, maybe.) No. (Well, maybe.) Having more children presents us with yet another paradox in that on one Having more children presents us with yet another paradox in that on one Ramping Up and Giving In Ramping Up and Giving In 195.
hand, it means more work to do and less time for each other and ourselves, but, on the other, it can pave the way to a new equilibrium between husband but, on the other, it can pave the way to a new equilibrium between husband and wife as we embrace the chaos and learn to work together as a team? and wife as we embrace the chaos and learn to work together as a team?
Bingo.
Of course it gets harder. With each child, the love and joy in our homes increases a thousandfold, but so does the general mayhem. There"s more noise, more chaos, more work to do. By necessity, we take time away from each other to care for our kids. "Your time" gets folded into "family time," and we can begin to lose the sense of being a couple.
But as it gets harder, somehow it gets easier, too. We realize that the struggle to get back to our pre-baby "normal selves" is futile. This noisy, chaotic life is where it"s at. We step up and embrace it, and we surrender to the madness. Both parents get caught in the full-court kid press. We share more of the labor and more of the joy with each other. This leveling of the parenting field can put our marriage on a much more even keel.
A Caveat for Those with One Child It is not our intention to suggest anywhere in this chapter that a family with one child is not a complete one or that there is no work involved. Even though we keep saying "more kids,"
don"t touch that dial! Most of the ideas and solutions in this chapter will apply to you, too.
Incremental Impact: The Step-Function of Lifestyle Complexity With one child (who is getting older and more self-suffi cient by the moment), most couples are able to maintain some semblance of their former lives: the parents outnumber the kids, family members compete for babysitting privileges, one child is portable, the house/apartment is big enough to accommodate all the paraphernalia, more often than not we"re sleeping again, we might even find we have enough energy for s.e.x and enough mental capacity to remember Valentine"s Day. Once more chil-196 With one child (who is getting older and more self-suffi cient by the moment), most couples are able to maintain some semblance of their former lives: the parents outnumber the kids, family members compete for babysitting privileges, one child is portable, the house/apartment is big enough to accommodate all the paraphernalia, more often than not we"re sleeping again, we might even find we have enough energy for s.e.x and enough mental capacity to remember Valentine"s Day. Once more chil-196 dren arrive, however, we wonder what all the fuss was about and recall those early days of and baby makes three and baby makes three with the fondest of feelings. with the fondest of feelings.
Life gets more complex with each child. It looks something like this: Number of Kids 1 Number of Kids 1
2.
Parental Defense Method Tag team Tag team Man to Man Grandparent Partic.i.p.ation Level Overwhelming Halved Overwhelming Halved 30% of former Free Time Goes to zero life Minutes Required to Leave the House 5 5
10.
Number of Appointments per Year (doctor/ 6 6
12.
dentist etc.) Number of Birthday Parties per Month = X (X also equals the number of times your a.s.s is in X X 2X.
Toys"R"Us buying a gift before hightailing it to Chuck E. Cheese) Chuck E. Cheese) Number of Names of Kids" Friends" Parents to x x Remember (a.s.sume A = preschool cla.s.s size, B 2(A + B + C) 2(A + B + C) 2(A + B + C) 2(A + B + C) = neighborhood friends, and C = other friends) Sibling Rivalry Decibel Level Sibling Rivalry Decibel Level 0 0
3.
Gallons of Milk per Week 2 2
4.
Table for 2, Table Size at a Restaurant plus a high Table for 4 plus a high Table for 4 chair 3 plane tickets, 4 plane tickets, 1 hotel room, 1 hotel room, Travel Considerations 1 cab, mid-size 1 cab, full-size rental car 1 cab, mid-size 1 cab, full-size rental car rental car Weekend Getaways Once a quarter Twice a year Ramping Up and Giving In Once a quarter Twice a year Ramping Up and Giving In 197.
3.
4.
5 or More (yes, they are out there) Zone Prayer Brute Force They"ll take They"ll take one one kid at a They"ll take one kid at a time.
kid at a time.