Eat no bread.
Avoid all starchy food.
Avoid meats of all kinds.
Fish is fattening.
Never touch sweets or pastry.
Eat no fruit for fear of uric acid.
Never drink water with your meals, but between meals do nothing but drink water, all the time that you can spare from the gymnastics that must be kept up to keep down the disfiguring fat.
Always leave the table hungry, but take a pickle with you, a large dill pickle is the best for your purpose. Eat a great deal of pickle; it may ruin your complexion but a good complexion is only skin deep while fatness goes straight through.
Sleep in your stays if you can, but if you can"t just don"t sleep. Sleep is a fattening habit at best. Keep a pickle under your pillow and take a bite when you think of it.
Lose your temper on all occasions, as nothing is more conducive to stoutness than placidity.
Stop speaking of yourself as a Fatty, and begin to speak of yourself as slender. Remember the power of Mind over Matter. Lead a lean life and think thin thoughts; dress in diaphanous gauze; make hair-splitting distinctions; talk and think much of your slender purse; walk the narrow way and have ever in your mind the eye of the needle through which you shall finally have to pa.s.s.--Before you know it you will lose pounds and pounds of flesh.
RECIPES TRIED IN MY OWN KITCHEN (NIT).
BY CAROLINE TUCKER.
A GRESHAM CLUB SANDWICH.
Take two tender new pupils (Freshmen preferred, Juniors out of the question), stick them together in a corner, with a thin slice of reserve between them, season to taste with some spicy gossip and a little lollapalusser. After a year in a cool place they will be fit to eat.
BROWN BETTY a LA FACULTY.
Take two crusty members of the faculty and let them grate against each other until both are reduced to crumbs. Place in baking dish a layer of crumbs and a layer of tart apples of discord well chopped. Sweeten well with high-toned politeness, veiled with sarcasm. Serve piping hot with the same kind of sauce you give to the gander.
FRENCH DRESSING AS SERVED AT GRESHAM.
Let the ingredients stay in bed until ten minutes before breakfast, then in a wild scramble cover with a thin layer of clothes without the formality of bathing or even taking off nightgown when breakfasting _en famille_. Do hair with a lick and a promise and beat all the other girls to the table.
FASHION NOTES.
BY VIRGINIA TUCKER.
The newest fad among the women who know and know they know, is to have their perfume harmonize with their costumes. An up-to-date society woman would no more wear a blue dress and smell of lavender sachet than she would wear a lavender hat with said blue dress. Vera Violet must go with a purple dress; Attar of Roses with a pink; New Mown Hay with green,--and so on.
One very smart grande dame at a fine function, given lately at Gresham, gowned in a biscuit-coloured broadcloth, had a faint, delicious odour of hot rolls.
Hats are still worn hind part before and veils are put on to stay with no visible opening. One wonders sometimes "how the apple got in the dumpling."
Some of the newest veils have a sliding dot, to be worn over or near the mouth. This can be opened by one knowing the combination and then a small aperture is discovered that will admit of a straw. The soft drink drugstore man need not despair.
It is not considered good taste to wear more than three shades of false hair at one time, and a similarity in the texture of the material used should be aimed at. The puffs must be of one shade and material although it would be too much to expect of a woman to have them match absolutely with the switch, rat, pompadour and bun.
Rats are no longer in vogue but traps are now considered the sanitary and proper things. This steel construction lowers the fire rates, which is much in its favour. If we keep on with this false hair craze what will we come to? Perhaps to the fate of:
"This old man with a very long beard, Who said: ""Tis just as I feared, A lark and a wren, Two owls and a hen Have builded a nest in my beard.""
If you have not hair enough of your own to cover the springs, there are plenty of kinds, colours and materials resembling human hair to be bought for a song. Goat hair is used a great deal as it is very durable and strong,--too strong in one sense, as:--
"You may break, you may shatter The vase as you will, But the scent of the roses Will cling "round it still."
JOKES AND NEAR JOKES.
NANCY BLAIR, EDITOR.
The son of an eminent preacher was greatly interested in the story of Adam and Eve. One night the child seemed very restless, tossing and turning in his crib. The father leaned over him, asking: "My child, what is the matter? Why don"t you go to sleep?"
"Oh, Father, I can"t! I"ve got such a pain in my ribs. I"m awful "fraid G.o.d is sending me a wife."
Little Anne, aged five, was asked what she was fasting on during Lent.
She answered, "Washing my hands."
A little girl who had never been to a wedding was greatly excited when one was going on across the street. She was especially interested in the little flower girls as they tripped out of the carriage in their dainty white frocks.
"Mother!" she exclaimed. "If Daddy dies, will you marry again?"
"No, my dear! Never! Why do you ask?"
""Cause, Mother, I do so hope you will and let me be your little flower girl."
Customer--That was the driest, flattest sandwich I ever tried to chew into!