Marina Marina lay in her bed with her arm over her eyes to block the growing light. She wasn"t sure she"d slept at all during the night, but lay awake with her thoughts tumbling through her mind. She knew she was testing the limits of Jim"s patience by allowing Gerry to spend the night in the cottage, but she still thought it was the right thing to do. It wasn"t every day Fate offered her an adorable little baby. She remembered all the times she had wept, begging Fate or G.o.d or Nature to give her a child. Never had she imagined something like this.
She heard movements in the hall. Someone was quietly padding down the stairs. Lily or Abbie, Marina thought--she didn"t think Emma had come home last night.
At last, Marina slipped from the bed. Jim slept on, turned to the wall, away from Marina. She pulled on a tee shirt and shorts and tiptoed down the stairs. She could hear the birds waking, chirping away, as she flicked on the kitchen light, and she jumped at the sight of someone already there in the kitchen.
"Lily! You"re up early."
Lily sat with her knees tucked under her chin and her arms around her legs. "Couldn"t sleep." Lily wore a pink polka-dot sundress that made her look younger than her years.
"I couldn"t, either. I"m going to make some coffee. Want some?"
Lily shrugged. "I guess."
Marina c.o.c.ked her head. "Is something wrong?"
"Eartha wants me to go with her to Paris for six months."
"Why, that"s fabulous, Lily."
"Yeah, well, I told Jason, and he"s furious."
Marina poured water into the coffeemaker, flicked the On b.u.t.ton, and sat down at the table across from Lily. "Why?"
"He doesn"t want me to go. And it"s just not fair! I do love Jason, I really do, and I want to marry him, but I"ll never have another opportunity like this, to live in Paris!" Lily dug a tissue from her pocket and blew her nose.
"Why doesn"t Jason want you to go?"
"He says I"ll get a taste for luxury that he can never provide me."
Marina studied the young woman. "Is he right?"
Lily wiggled her shoulders. "No! Maybe. I don"t know." She sighed, admitting, "I do love wearing cool clothes and real jewelry."
Marina smiled. In the early morning light, Lily looked inexperienced and fresh, and Marina considered her words carefully. "You seem to love your magazine work. You seem to thrive on parties and an extensive social life."
"What, are you saying I"m superficial, a social climber?"
"I"m not putting a value judgment on anything, Lily. I like parties, too. I like nice clothes and jewelry, too--"
"Then you shouldn"t be with Dad."
"Wait, let me finish. I"m older than you, Lily, and I"ve sort of had my fill of parties and froufrou and baubles. I don"t want all that so much anymore, I don"t need it, but if I"d never had it, then I"d be wishing for it now."
"Are you saying I"m too young to know what I want?" Lily demanded.
Marina thought a moment. "Yes, yes, I guess I am."
Lily pouted. "Jason said I want too much. He said I have to choose."
"What are your choices?"
Lily snorted. "Well, obviously, Eartha or Jason."
"Really? That sounds sort of extreme. Isn"t there any middle ground?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well ... maybe you go for a shorter period of time. Maybe Jason could join you for a couple of weeks. Maybe he could meet you and the two of you could go off together without Eartha. To London, or to Rome."
Amazed, Lily let her feet fall to the floor and sat up straight. "Marina, those are really good ideas."
Encouraged, Marina continued. "And maybe you could have Jason and Eartha meet. Invite them here for dinner some night."
Lily squirmed. "Oh, I don"t know about that. I don"t know if I want Eartha to see this house."
"It"s a nice house, Lily. It"s where you grew up. Where your father lives. It"s part of you."
The coffee was ready. Marina poured a cup for each of them, set out a pitcher of milk, and handed Lily a spoon.
"Unless," Marina continued thoughtfully, "unless you want to leave all this behind. There"s nothing wrong with that, you know. I"m going to leave Kansas City behind. Oh, I might visit occasionally, but I"m ready to start a new life here."
"But I love Jason!" Lily protested. "We"re engaged to get married!"
"Does that mean you"re willing to give up posh clothes and jewelry?" Marina asked. Seeing the conflict on Lily"s face, she added, softly, "You may not know the answer to that question yet, Lily. There"s nothing wrong with that. You may need to experience another way of life before settling down. That"s a smart thing to do. You don"t want to marry Jason unless you"re sure, and if he loves you, he should be able to let you go, at least for a while."
Lily frowned down into her cup. Marina leaned back in her chair and sipped her coffee. Outside, light flooded down, opening up the day. Upstairs, footsteps thudded on the floor and water ran. Jim was awake. Marina had decisions of her own to make.
Lily stood up. "I"m going to go talk to Jason." She crossed the kitchen and started to leave, then stopped and turned back. "Thanks, Marina. For the coffee and the advice."
"You"re welcome." Marina smiled.
Lily left. Marina sat for a few moments, feeling pleased with herself. She"d done a pretty good job of counseling, she thought.
Jim came into the kitchen, his hair still wet from his shower. He mumbled good morning, poured himself a cup of coffee, and stared out the window at the Playhouse.
"He"s still there." Marina went to stand behind Jim, wrapping her arms around his waist. He was so satisfyingly solid and strong. She laid her cheek against his back, soaking in his warm, clean smell. "And I"m still here."
Jim didn"t reply.
She continued, "I"ve just been talking with Lily. It was a good conversation. It made me realize something, Jim. I do want to marry you, but I also want to be involved in your daughters" lives. They need a woman"s opinion, and I give good advice. And I like being part of their lives. Okay?"
Jim turned around and met Marina"s eyes. "I think I"d agree to almost anything. I don"t want to live without you in my life, Marina."
She stood on tiptoes to kiss his mouth lightly. "And I don"t want to live without you." She stepped back. "So I"ll tell Gerry that I"ve slept on it, and my decision remains. I"m staying here."
"Good," Jim said. "Let"s go tell him now."
"Don"t you need to go to work?"
"Are you kidding? I"m driving that man to the airport and personally escorting him onto the plane!"
Marina laughed and took his hand, tugging him toward the door. They walked down the lawn together. Marina knocked on the cottage door.
"Come in," Gerry called.
Overnight the cottage had been transformed into a nursery. Used and clean paper diapers littered the furniture, baby bottles stood on the kitchen counter, and Gerry"s suitcase was open, spilling his clothes and his son"s clothing onto the sofa. Gerry was dressed, sort of, his shirt half-tucked in, his hair tousled, and he"d missed several spots when shaving. He looked overwhelmed and disoriented, and when Marina walked in the door, his face lit up. Then he saw Jim and his face fell.
The two men studied each other in silence.
"Jim, this is Gerry, my ex-husband," Marina said quietly. "Gerry, this is Jim. We"ve come to take you to the airport."
"Marina, wait." Gerry began to argue.
Marina interrupted. "I did what you asked, Gerry, I slept on my decision and I"m still one hundred percent certain that I"m staying here with Jim. I didn"t invite you here, and I"m sorry about Dara, but I know you"ll be fine, and actually, Gerry, I just want you to leave. Can I help you pack?"
At that moment, the baby wailed. The three adults turned toward the infant tucked into one corner of the sofa.
"You can change the baby while I finish packing," Gerry said.
Marina almost laughed. Gerry was a master manipulator who loved a challenge. And she had to admit, privately, this was a challenge. Still, she organized the baby wipes, the paper diaper, the tiny blue and white romper, setting them on the table next to the sofa. She sat down and leaned over the baby, cooing and smiling at him.
"h.e.l.lo, Garfield, I"m Marina. I"m going to change your diaper."
Garfield gazed up at her with his serious questioning face, studying her, and then he smiled and kicked his feet and the sudden compelling connection between them made love blossom in her heart like a flower. What a happy, trusting, little boy. She could love him so very much. She removed the soiled diaper, cleaned him and put on a new diaper, and bent down to kiss his fat little belly. The baby shrieked with glee. Here was this new life, pure and eager, and she snapped on his clothes, then lifted him to her shoulder and felt his sweet baby weight against her. She was aware of the two men in the room, both of them carrying their burden of history, their charms and flaws, their heaviness and guilt, for no adult was ever really without guilt of some sort. The baby snuggled against her. She knew instinctively how to support his b.u.m and his neck. She gave herself a moment to breathe in his clean baby fragrance, to feel the warmth of his hot little head. She closed her eyes and silently prayed: Bless you, little boy. May your life be good.
She had to force herself to act relaxed and calm as she turned back to Gerry and Jim. Gerry"s suitcase was packed and at his side. Jim held the cottage door open.
"All ready," Marina said brightly.
They walked out to Jim"s truck. During the ride to the airport, Marina sat in the pa.s.senger seat, holding the baby.
Gerry leaned over from the backseat. "I meant to tell you, Marina," he said amiably, "Colin Finster has been dating Eloise."
Marina didn"t reply. A year ago, she would have laughed at this news, for a year ago Colin and Eloise were employees of hers. But all that was a world away, and irrelevant to her now. She would not share anything with Gerry in front of Jim.
The rest of the ride was in silence. When they arrived at the airport, Jim parked the truck in the ten-minute loading zone in front of the terminal. Gerry got out, and Marina gave the baby to Gerry while she got out, and then Gerry handed the baby back to her while he put on his backpack.
She looked down at the infant in her arms. "Good-bye, little boy," she whispered.
The baby cooed softly to her. He grabbed her finger in his fist and clutched it tight. This was what babies did, she told herself, it didn"t mean anything. Still, when she handed the baby to Gerry, her heart lurched and spilled a stream of distress into her blood.
She didn"t want to let the baby go. They stood on the pavement outside the terminal. All around them people came and went, pulling luggage, chattering brightly about the summer.
"Marina," Jim said quietly, "come on."
"Perhaps we should wait ..." Marina felt as if her heart were being torn open. "Help ... until the plane leaves."
"He managed to get here from Kansas City all by himself," Jim reminded her. "I think he can handle it from here."
She nodded. Jim was right, of course he was right. She ripped her gaze away from the baby boy. She looked at Gerry, and that helped, that lessened her regret just a little, loosened the bond of her longing enough for her to reach out and grasp Jim"s hand.
"Okay," Marina said. "Let"s go. Bye, Gerry. Take care of him."
She knew that Gerry waited on the pavement, watching, holding the baby, as they got back into the truck, and that he was still standing there, waiting, as they drove away. She didn"t allow herself to look back.
"Marina," Jim said quietly. "You can cry."
"Thanks," she said, "but you know what? I wish you would hold me a minute."
Jim steered the truck to the side of the street and parked. He held out his arms. Marina unclipped her seat belt and slid next to him, but the console between them made their embrace awkward.
Still, she was grateful to be held so close, to be held so dear as she cried. She was grateful for the steady beating of his heart.
57.
Lily Lily let herself into the apartment with the key Jason had given her.
"h.e.l.lo!" she called.
But he was already gone. No surprise, really. His crew started work at six.
Frustrated, Lily paced the small living area, trying to think what to do next. She didn"t like having things up in the air like this, it made her feel absolutely itchy. What house was he working on now? She admitted to herself that she didn"t always pay close attention to Jason when he told her about his work. Sometimes, if he was renovating a fabulous house, he invited her out to give her a little tour, a peek into how the superrich lived, but she thought he was building an addition to a fairly modest house out in Madaket--yes, that was it!
Should she go there? It was a long way, about five miles. She could bike there, but she"d arrive all sweaty and exhausted. Who had the Old Clunker today? Could she take it without making her sisters angry? Should she even do it at all; would he hate it if she showed up at the site, interrupting his work? But she was so uncomfortable with the way things were between them now, she was miserable, really, and she knew he was miserable, too, and she hated that, and she supposed this meant she was truly in love with him. She felt as if she were on fire with alarm. She didn"t want to lose him. She had to do anything, everything, to keep him here with her.
She needed to tell him and tell him now.
She pretty much speed-walked back home. Her father"s truck was gone, but the Old Clunker sat in the driveway. She went in through the kitchen and stood for a moment, listening to the house. Silence. So everyone had gone, although she wasn"t sure about Emma, perhaps she was still sleeping. Lily clattered up the stairs, not trying to be quiet; if Emma was still asleep, well, it was time for her to wake up! She waited outside Emma"s closed door for a moment, then opened it.
The room was empty. Perhaps Emma had gotten up early and gone off to work already. If so, she"d been picked up by Marcia, which meant she didn"t need the car.
Lily took a few moments to touch up her makeup, not that she wore much in the morning. She brushed her hair and changed her shirt for one that showed a little more cleavage. Then she hurried down the stairs, grabbed the keys, and raced to the car.
Much of the island traffic had left, and the streets were clear and easy. Goldenrod and asters bobbed along the verges of the narrow road winding out to the west end of the island. The light slanted slightly, bronzing the landscape, and today the air was cooler than usual. Just a taste of fall in the air. Tonight she"d be able to use the turquoise pashmina she"d found at the thrift shop.
Her friend Carrie bought things at the thrift shop all the time. She dressed her baby in thrift shop clothing; she"d gotten her maternity wardrobe there. So many wealthy people donated clothes, some of them brand-new, it really was a satisfying experience to shop there, but did Lily want to live the rest of her life in thrift shop clothing?
What had Jason said? That she was fine as she was. Lily smiled, remembering that, and then immediately she frowned, for he had also asked her what she needed expensive clothes for, as if that were some sort of strange desire.
You want too much, Lily, Jason had said. You"re going to have to make a choice.