He called up the pain he suffered to vindicate him; and it was really an agony of a man torn to pieces.
"I have done the best."
This dogged and stupid piece of speech was pitiable to hear from Nevil Beauchamp.
"You think so?" said she; and her gla.s.s-like voice rang a tremour in its mildness that swelled through him on the plain submissive note, which was more a.s.sent than question.
"I am sure of it. I believe it. I see it. At least I hope so."
"We are chiefly led by hope," said Renee.
"At least, if not!" Beauchamp cried. "And it"s not too late. I have no right--I do what I can. I am at your mercy. Judge me later. If I am ever to know what happiness is, it will be with you. It"s not too late either way. There is Roland--my brother as much as if you were my wife!"
He begged her to let him have Roland"s exact address.
She named the regiment, the corps d"armee, the postal town, and the department.
"Roland will come at a signal," he pursued; "we are not bound to consult others."
Renee formed the French word of "we" on her tongue.
He talked of Roland and Roland, his affection for him as a brother and as a friend, and Roland"s love of them both.
"It is true," said Renee.
"We owe him this; he represents your father."
"All that you say is true, my friend."
"Thus, you have come on a visit to madame, your old friend here--oh!
your hand. What have I done?"
Renee motioned her hand as if it were free to be taken, and smiled faintly to make light of it, but did not give it.
"If you had been widowed!" he broke down to the lover again.
"That man is attached to the remnant of his life: I could not wish him dispossessed of it," said Rende.
"Parted! who parts us? It"s for a night. Tomorrow!"
She breathed: "To-morrow."
To his hearing it craved an answer. He had none. To talk like a lover, or like a man of honour, was to lie. Falsehood hemmed him in to the narrowest ring that ever statue stood on, if he meant to be stone.
"That woman will be returning," he muttered, frowning at the vacant door. "I could lay out my whole life before your eyes, and show you I am unchanged in my love of you since the night when Roland and I walked on the Piazzetta..."
"Do not remind me; let those days lie black!" A sympathetic vision of her maiden"s tears on the night of wonderful moonlight when, as it seemed to her now, San Giorgio stood like a dark prophet of her present abas.e.m.e.nt and chastis.e.m.e.nt, sprang tears of a different character, and weak as she was with her soul"s fever and for want of food, she was piteously shaken. She said with some calmness: "It is useless to look back. I have no reproaches but for myself. Explain nothing to me. Things that are not comprehended by one like me are riddles I must put aside. I know where I am: I scarcely know more. Here is madame."
The door had not opened, and it did not open immediately.
Beauchamp had time to say, "Believe in me." Even that was false to his own hearing, and in a struggle with the painful impression of insincerity which was denied and scorned by his impulse to fling his arms round her and have her his for ever, he found himself deferentially accepting her brief directions concerning her boxes at the hotel, with Rosamund Culling to witness.
She gave him her hand.
He bowed over the fingers. "Until to-morrow, madame."
"Adieu!" said Renee.
CHAPTER XLII. THE TWO Pa.s.sIONS
The foggy February night refreshed his head, and the business of fetching the luggage from the hotel--a commission that necessitated the delivery of his card and some very commanding language--kept his mind in order. Subsequently he drove to his cousin Baskelett"s Club, where he left a short note to say the house was engaged for the night and perhaps a week further. Concise, but sufficient: and he stated a hope to his cousin that he would not be inconvenienced. This was courteous.
He had taken a bed at Renee"s hotel, after wresting her boxes from the vanquished hotel proprietor, and lay there, hearing the clear sound of every little sentence of hers during the absence of Rosamund: her "Adieu," and the strange "Do you think so?" and "I know where I am; I scarcely know more." Her eyes and their darker lashes, and the fitful little sensitive dimples of a smile without joy, came with her voice, but hardened to an aspect unlike her. Not a word could he recover of what she had spoken before Rosamund"s intervention. He fancied she must have related details of her journey. Especially there must have been mention, he thought, of her drive to the station from Tourdestelle; and this flashed on him the scene of his ride to the chateau, and the meeting her on the road, and the white light on the branching river, and all that was Renee in the spirit of the place she had abandoned for him, believing in him. She had proved that she believed in him. What in the name of sanity had been the meaning of his language? and what was it between them that arrested him and caused him to mumble absurdly of "doing best," when in fact he was her bondman, rejoiced to be so, by his pledged word? and when she, for some reason that he was sure she had stated, though he could recollect no more than the formless hideousness of it, was debarred from returning to Tourdestelle?
He tossed in his bed as over a furnace, in the extremity of perplexity of one accustomed to think himself ever demonstrably in the right, and now with his whole nature in insurrection against that legitimate claim.
It led him to accuse her of a want of pa.s.sionate warmth, in her not having supplicated and upbraided him--not behaving theatrically, in fine, as the ranting pen has made us expect of emergent ladies that they will naturally do. Concerning himself, he thought commendingly, a tear would have overcome him. She had not wept. The kaleidoscope was shaken in his fragmentary mind, and she appeared thrice adorable for this n.o.ble composure, he brutish.
Conscience and reason had resolved to a dead weight in him, like an inanimate force, governing his acts despite the man, while he was with Renee. Now his wishes and waverings conjured up a semblance of a conscience and much reason to a.s.sure him that he had done foolishly as well as unkindly, most unkindly: that he was even the ghastly spectacle of a creature attempting to be more than he can be. Are we never to embrace our inclinations? Are the laws regulating an old dry man like his teacher and guide to be the same for the young and vigorous?
Is a good gift to be refused? And this was his first love! The brilliant Renee, many-hued as a tropic bird! his lady of shining grace, with her sole fault of want of courage devotedly amended! his pupil, he might say, of whom he had foretold that she must come to such a pa.s.s, at the same time prefixing his fidelity. And he was handing her over knowingly to one kind of wretchedness--"son amour, mon ami," shot through him, lighting up the gulfs of a mind in wreck;--and one kind of happiness could certainly be promised her!
All these and innumerable other handsome pleadings of the simulacra of the powers he had set up to rule, were crushed at daybreak by the realities in a sense of weight that pushed him mechanically on. He telegraphed to Roland, and mentally gave chase to the message to recall it. The slumberer roused in darkness by the relentless insane-seeming bell which hales him to duty, melts at the charms of sleep, and feels that logic is with him in his preference of his pillow; but the tireless revolving world outside, nature"s pitiless antagonist, has hung one of its balances about him, and his actions are directed by the state of the scales, wherein duty weighs deep and desireability swings like a pendant doll: so he throws on his harness, astounded, till his blood quickens with work, at the round of sacrifices demanded of nature: which is indeed curious considering what we are taught here and there as to the infallibility of our august mother. Well, the world of humanity had done this for Beauchamp. His afflicted historian is compelled to fling his net among prosaic similitudes for an ill.u.s.tration of one thus degradedly in its grip. If he had been off with his love like the rover! why, then the Muse would have loosened her lap like May showering flower-buds, and we might have knocked great nature up from her sleep to embellish his desperate proceedings with hurricanes to be danced over, to say nothing of imitative spheres dashing out into hurly-burly after his example.
Conscious rect.i.tude, too, after the pattern of the well-behaved AEneas quitting the fair bosom of Carthage in obedience to the G.o.ds, for an example to his Roman progeny, might have stiffened his backbone and put a crown upon his brows. It happened with him that his original training rather imposed the idea that he was a figure to be derided. The approval of him by the prudent was a disgust, and by the pious tasteless. He had not any consolation in reverting to Dr. Shrapnel"s heavy Puritanism. On the contrary, such a general proposition as that of the sage of Bevisham could not for a moment stand against the pathetic special case of Renee: and as far as Beauchamp"s active mind went, he was for demanding that Society should take a new position in morality, considerably broader, and adapted to very special cases.
Nevertheless he was hardly grieved in missing Renee at Rosamund"s breakfast-table. Rosamund informed him that Madame de Rouaillout"s door was locked. Her particular news for him was of a disgraceful alarum raised by Captain Baskelett in the night, to obtain admission; and of an interview she had with him in the early morning, when he subjected her to great insolence. Beauchamp"s attention was drawn to her repet.i.tion of the phrase "mistress of the house." However, she did him justice in regard to Renee, and thoroughly entered into the fiction of Renee"s visit to her as her guest: he pa.s.sed over everything else.
To stop the mouth of a scandal-monger, he drove full speed to Cecil"s Club, where he heard that the captain had breakfasted and had just departed for Romfrey Castle. He followed to the station. The train had started. So mischief was rolling in that direction.
Late at night Rosamund was allowed to enter the chill unlighted chamber, where the unhappy lady had been lying for hours in the gloom of a London Winter"s daylight and gaslight.
"Madame de Rouaillout is indisposed with headache," was her report to Beauchamp.
The conventional phraseology appeased him, though he saw his grief behind it.
Presently he asked if Renee had taken food.
"No: you know what a headache is," Rosamund replied.
It is true that we do not care to eat when we are in pain.
He asked if she looked ill.
"She will not have lights in the room," said Rosamund.
Piecemeal he gained the picture of Renee in an image of the death within which welcomed a death without.