Becoming Jasmine Star

It"s been months since I last closed my eyes and actually felt rested afterwards. Nights only seem to get longer and work is the only thing that is keeping me from completely losing my mind. Of course they all say "with time, everything you feel right now will go away with time."

But at the moment that seems unlikely.

It"s been three months since she left. I know that she"s gone, I watched the hole in the ground engulf her myself. But, some part of me still waits for her. In the isles of the grocery store, lounging on the sofa when I return home. Those are the familiar things that I can"t seem to forget, it was once normal to see her there, it was only natural to find her in those places. Now it"s only seen in a two minute dream.

Monday, December 1, 2014

I stopped to watch them put up Christmas lights in the plaza on my way home today. To my surprise, they are a good way done. I hadn"t planned on going since I never really cared for them. But she would"ve liked them, just like last year. That alone made me want to see them, like an idiot. Now that I think about it, it was last year that she bought this small leather notebook which I write in at this very moment.

"This is going to be your very best friend!"

She exclaimed as she shoved the wrapped present into my hand. I took my time to open it, making her squirm in antic.i.p.ation.

"Gee, a notebook. What era do you think we"re in?"

Sarcasm poured out of every word, something she didn"t appreciate.

"What do you even know? You can"t even appreciate fine leather work even when it"s six inches from your face!"

That was last Christmas, I had kept this notebook in my desk drawer until recently. When I write I feel closer to her. The lights were bright as usual and hurt my eyes so much they watered. Why are Christmas lights so bright?

Sunday, December 7, 2014

Once again sleep evaded me last night, it feels like I"m walking on clouds, something else that

should become normal with time, I should see the doctor one of these days. But I can"t bothered. Last night something happened.

Jasmine is alive.

Well, even I know that is far from the truth. Yet, I can"t stop my hands from shaking. What-ifs keep playing in my head.

What if that was really her? She wasn"t dead. She was alive somewhere,happy. What if she made a new life for herself, but kept her name?

Of course all these thoughts are absolutely ridiculous. But I couldn"t stop entertaining them, more so I didn"t want to stop entertaining them.

The account was made fairly recently, and she...she"s been in the gone for three months. So who was this? Obviously this was proving to be a waste of time. Yet, I pondered on what I say if this really was her. And if I wrote her and she was actually someone else. Which, truthfully, was most likely to happen.

I wrote the message anyways.
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Wednesday, December 15, 2014

I haven"t received a reply from the Jasmine I messaged that night. Honestly, I don"t want to hear back from that Jasmine. She is and never will be her. I decided to ignore the message I wrote, though, admittedly, it keeps coming up from the back of my mind, begging me to entertain the thought. What if she was saved from the entering the cold grave? Sometimes, I have dreams that she is buried alive, screaming in desperation. Waking me up in cold sweat. My few minutes of sleep gone to waste.

Thursday, December 18, 2014

She replied.

My heart almost stopped as I rode the bus this morning. I didn"t think anyone would actually reply... especially with the way I worded the whole thing. My heart regains awareness and starts beating quickly in order to make up for lost time.

"Don"t be get to excited, you know exactly what that"s going to say."

Of course, I had a feeling what words were to come.

"Umm, who are you?"

"Are you okay?"

"WTF"

All of those would be standard ways anyone would answer that message. Or, they would simply ignore the message and move on with their lives.

Fair enough I suppose.

I unhurriedly tapped on the message icon. Careful not to get ahead of myself. I took a deep breathe and lowered my gaze towards the screen.

"Yes, my name is Jasmine. Who are you?"

My heart sank. Of course she doesn"t know me. Why? because that would be normal for an absolute stranger not to know me. Letting out a deep breathe, that I didn"t know was building up in my chest until this moment.

Of course, I knew this would happen.