Music thumps from the living room. Ally and Elody are out there singing their heads off to "Like a Prayer." Ally"s not even close to on key. Lindsay and I are lying on our backs on Ally"s mongo bed. Everything in Ally"s house is 25 percent bigger than in a normal person"s: the fridge, the leather chairs, the televisions-even the magnums of champagne her dad keeps in the wine cellar (strictly hands-off). Lindsay once said it made her feel like Alice in Wonderland.
I settle my head against an enormous pillow that says THE b.i.t.c.h IS IN THE b.i.t.c.h IS IN. I"ve had four shots already, thinking it would calm me down, and above me the lights are winking and blurring. We"ve cracked all the windows open, but I"m still feeling feverish. I"ve had four shots already, thinking it would calm me down, and above me the lights are winking and blurring. We"ve cracked all the windows open, but I"m still feeling feverish.
"Don"t forget to breathe," Lindsay"s saying. "Don"t freak out if it hurts a little-especially at first. Don"t tense up. You"ll make it worse."
I"m feeling pretty nauseous and Lindsay"s not making it better. I couldn"t eat all day, so by the time we got to Ally"s house, I was starving and scarfed about twenty-five of the toast-pesto-goat-cheese snacks that Ally whipped up. I"m not sure how well the goat cheese is mixing with the vodka. On top of it, Lindsay made me eat about seven Listerine breath strips because the pesto had garlic in it, and she said Rob would feel like he was losing his virginity to an Italian line cook.
I"m not even that nervous about Rob-I mean, I can"t focus on being nervous about him. The party, the drive, the possibility of what will happen there: that"s what"s really giving me stomach cramps. At least the vodka"s helped me breathe, and I"m not feeling shaky anymore.
Of course, I can"t tell Lindsay any of this, so instead I say, "I"m not going to freak. I mean, everybody does it, right? If Anna Cartullo can do it..."
Lindsay pulls a face. "Ew. Whatever you"re doing, it"s not what Anna Cartullo does. You and Rob are "making love."" She puts quotes in the air with her fingers and giggles, but I can tell she means it.
"You think?"
"Of course." She tilts her head to look at me. "You don"t?"
I want to ask, How do you know the difference? How do you know the difference?
In movies you can always tell when people are supposed to be together because music swells up behind them-dumb, but true. Lindsay"s always saying she couldn"t live without Patrick and I"m not sure if that"s how you"re supposed to feel or not.
Sometimes when I"m standing in the middle of a crowded place with Rob, and he puts his arm around my shoulders and pulls me close-like he doesn"t want me to get b.u.mped or spilled on or whatever-I feel a kind of heat in my stomach like I"ve just had a gla.s.s of wine, and I"m completely happy, just for that second. I"m pretty sure that"s what love is.
So I say to Lindsay, "Of course I do."
Lindsay giggles again and nudges me. "So? Did he bite the bullet and just say it?"
"Say what?"
She rolls her eyes. "That he loves loves you." you."
I pause for just a second too long, thinking of his note: Luv ya. Luv ya. The kind of thing you pencil in somebody"s yearbook when you don"t know what else to say. The kind of thing you pencil in somebody"s yearbook when you don"t know what else to say.
Lindsay rushes on. "He will. Guys are idiots. Bet you he says it tonight. Just after you..." She trails off and starts humping her hips up and down.
I smack her with a pillow. "You"re a dog, you know that?"
She growls at me and bares her teeth. We laugh and then lie in silence for a minute, listening to Elody"s and Ally"s howls from the other room. They"re on to "Total Eclipse of the Heart" now. It feels nice to be lying there: nice and normal. I think of all the times we must"ve laid in exactly this spot, waiting for Elody and Ally to finish getting ready, waiting to go out, waiting for something to happen-time ticking and then falling away, lost forever-and I suddenly wish I could remember each one singularly, like somehow if I could remember them all, I could have them back.
"Were you nervous? The first time, I mean." I"m kind of embarra.s.sed to ask so I say it quietly.
I think the question catches Lindsay off guard. She blushes and starts picking at the braiding on Ally"s bedspread, and for a moment there"s an awkward silence. I"m pretty sure I know what she"s thinking, though I would never say it out loud. Lindsay, Ally, Elody, and I are as close as you can be, but there are still some things we never talk about. For example, even though Lindsay says Patrick is her first and only, this isn"t technically true. Technically, her first was a guy she met at a party when she was visiting her stepbrother at NYU. They smoked pot, split a six-pack, and had s.e.x, and he never knew she hadn"t done it before.
We don"t talk about that. We don"t talk about the fact that we can never hang out at Elody"s house after five o"clock because her mother will be home, and drunk. We don"t talk about the fact that Ally never eats more than a quarter of what"s on her plate, even though she"s obsessed with cooking and watches the Food Network for hours on end.
We don"t talk about the joke that for years trailed me down hallways, into cla.s.srooms, and on the bus, that wove its way into my dreams: "What"s red and white and weird all over? Sam Kingston!" And we definitely don"t talk about the fact that Lindsay was the one who made it up.
A good friend keeps your secrets for you. A best friend helps you keep your own secrets.
Lindsay rolls over on her side and props herself on one elbow. I wonder if she"s finally going to mention the guy at NYU. (I don"t even know his name, and the few times she"s ever made reference to him she called him the Unmentionable.) "I wasn"t nervous," she says quietly. Then she sucks in a deep breath and her face splits into a grin. "I was h.o.r.n.y, baby. Randy. Randy." She says it in a fake British accent and then jumps on top of me and starts making a humping motion.
"You"re impossible," I say, pushing her off me. She rolls all the way off the bed, cackling.
"You love me." Lindsay gets up on her knees and blows the bangs out of her face. She leans forward and rests her elbows on the bed. She suddenly gets serious.
"Sam?" Her eyes are wide and she drops her voice. I have to sit up to hear her over the music. "Can I tell you a secret?"
"Of course." My heart starts fluttering. She knows what"s happening to me. It"s happening to her, too.
"You have to promise not to tell. You have to swear not to freak out."
She knows; she knows. It"s not just me. My head clears and everything sharpens around me. I feel totally sober. "I swear." The words barely come out.
She leans forward until her mouth is only an inch from my ear. "I..."
Then she turns her head and burps, loudly, in my face.
"Jesus, Lindz!" I fan the air with my hand. She sinks onto her back again, kicking her legs into the air and laughing hysterically. "What is wrong with you?"
"You should have seen your face."
"Are you ever ever serious?" I say it jokingly, but my whole body feels heavy with disappointment. She doesn"t know. She doesn"t understand. Whatever is happening, it"s happening only to me. A feeling of complete aloneness overwhelms me, like a fog. serious?" I say it jokingly, but my whole body feels heavy with disappointment. She doesn"t know. She doesn"t understand. Whatever is happening, it"s happening only to me. A feeling of complete aloneness overwhelms me, like a fog.
Lindsay dabs the corners of her eyes with a thumb and jumps to her feet. "I"ll be serious when I"m dead."
That word sends a shock straight through me. Dead. So final, so ugly, so short. The warm feeling I"ve had since taking the shots drains out of me, and I lean over to shut Ally"s window, shivering.
The black mouth of the woods, yawning open. Vicky Hallinan"s face...
I try to decide what will happen to me if it turns out I really have gone bat-s.h.i.t insane. Just before eighth period I stood ten feet away from the main office-home to the princ.i.p.al, Ms. Winters, and the school psychiatrist-willing myself to go in and say the words: I think I"m going crazy. I think I"m going crazy. But then there was a bang and Lauren Lornet shot into the hall, sniffling, probably crying over some boy drama or fight with her parents or something But then there was a bang and Lauren Lornet shot into the hall, sniffling, probably crying over some boy drama or fight with her parents or something normal normal. In that second all of the work I"d done to fit in vanished. Everything is different now. I"m I"m different. different.
"So are we going or what?" Elody bursts into the room in front of Ally. They"re both breathless.
"Let"s do it." Lindsay picks up her bag and swings it over one shoulder.
Ally starts to giggle. "It"s only nine thirty," she says, "and Sam already looks like she could barf."
I stand up and wait for a second while the ground steadies underneath me. "I"ll be fine. I"m fine."
"Liar," Lindsay says, and smiles.
THE PARTY, TAKE TWO.
"This is how a horror movie starts," Ally says. "Are you sure he"s number forty-two?"
"I"m sure." My voice sounds like it"s coming from a distance. The huge crush of fear has returned. I can feel it pressing on me from all directions, squeezing the breath out of me.
"This better not screw with my paint job," Lindsay says as a branch sc.r.a.pes along the pa.s.senger door with the sound of a nail dragging against a chalkboard.
The woods fall away, and Kent"s house comes looming out of the darkness, white and sparkling, like it"s made of ice. The way it just emerges there, surrounded on all sides by black, reminds me of the scene in t.i.tanic t.i.tanic when the iceberg rises out of the water and guts the ship open. We"re all silent for a second. Tiny pellets of rain ping against the windshield and the roof, and Lindsay switches off her iPod. An old song pipes quietly from the radio. I can just make out the lyrics: when the iceberg rises out of the water and guts the ship open. We"re all silent for a second. Tiny pellets of rain ping against the windshield and the roof, and Lindsay switches off her iPod. An old song pipes quietly from the radio. I can just make out the lyrics: Feel it now like you felt it then.... Touch me now and around again.... Feel it now like you felt it then.... Touch me now and around again....
"It"s almost as big as your house, Al," Lindsay says.
"Almost," Ally says. I feel a tremendous wave of affection for her at that moment. Ally, who likes big houses and expensive cars and Tiffany jewelry and platform wedges and body glitter. Ally, who"s not that smart and knows it, and obsesses over boys who aren"t good enough for her. Ally, who"s secretly an amazing cook. I know her. I get her. I know all of them.
In the house Dujeous roars through the speakers: All MCs in the house tonight, if your lyrics sound tight then rock the mic. All MCs in the house tonight, if your lyrics sound tight then rock the mic. The stairs roll underneath me. When we get upstairs Lindsay takes the bottle of vodka away from me, laughing. The stairs roll underneath me. When we get upstairs Lindsay takes the bottle of vodka away from me, laughing.
"Slow down, Slam-a-Lot. You"ve got business to take care of."
"Business?" I start laughing a little, little gasps of it. It"s so smoky I can hardly breathe. "I thought it was making love."
"The business of making love." She leans in and her face swells like a moon. "No more vodka for a while, okay?"
I feel myself nodding and her face recedes. She scans the room. "I"ve gotta find Patrick. You gonna be okay?"
"Perfect," I say, trying to smile. I can"t manage it: it"s like the muscles in my face won"t respond. She starts to turn away and I grab her wrist. "Lindz?"
"Yeah?"
"I"m gonna come with you, okay?"
She shrugs. "Yeah, sure. Whatever. He"s in the back somewhere-he just texted me."
We start pushing past people. Lindsay yells back to me, "It"s like a maze up here." Things are going past me in a blur-snippets of conversation and laughter, the feel of coats brushing against my skin, the smell of beer and perfume and shower gel and sweat-all of it whirling and spinning together.
Everyone looks the way they do in dreams, familiar but not too clear, like they could morph into someone else at any second. I"m dreaming I"m dreaming, I think. This is all a dream: this whole day has been a dream, and when I wake up I"ll tell Lindsay how the dream felt real and hours long, and she"ll roll her eyes and tell me that dreams never last longer than thirty seconds.
It"s funny to think about telling Lindsay-who"s tugging on my hand and tossing her hair impatiently in front of me-that I"m only dreaming dreaming of her, that she"s not really here, and I giggle, starting to relax. It"s all a dream; I can do whatever I want. I can kiss anybody I want to, and as we walk past groups of guys I check them off in my head-Adam Marshall, Ra.s.san Lucas, and Andrew Roberts-I could kiss each and every one if I wanted to. I see Kent standing in the corner talking to Phoebe Rifer and I think, of her, that she"s not really here, and I giggle, starting to relax. It"s all a dream; I can do whatever I want. I can kiss anybody I want to, and as we walk past groups of guys I check them off in my head-Adam Marshall, Ra.s.san Lucas, and Andrew Roberts-I could kiss each and every one if I wanted to. I see Kent standing in the corner talking to Phoebe Rifer and I think, I could walk up and kiss the heart-shaped mole under his eye, and it wouldn"t make a difference. I could walk up and kiss the heart-shaped mole under his eye, and it wouldn"t make a difference. I don"t know where the idea comes from. I would never kiss Kent, not even in a dream. But I could if I wanted to. Somewhere I"m lying stretched out under a warm blanket on a big bed surrounded by pillows, my hands folded under my head, sleeping. I don"t know where the idea comes from. I would never kiss Kent, not even in a dream. But I could if I wanted to. Somewhere I"m lying stretched out under a warm blanket on a big bed surrounded by pillows, my hands folded under my head, sleeping.
I lean forward to tell Lindsay this-that I"m dreaming of yesterday and maybe yesterday was its own dream too-when I see Bridget McGuire standing in a corner with her arm around Alex Liment"s waist. She"s laughing and he"s bending down to nuzzle her neck. She looks up at that moment and sees me watching them. Then she takes his hand and drags him over to me, pushing other people out of the way.
"She"ll know," she"s saying over her shoulder to him, and then she turns her smile on me. Her teeth are so white they"re glowing. "Did Mrs. Harbor give out the essay a.s.signments today?" know," she"s saying over her shoulder to him, and then she turns her smile on me. Her teeth are so white they"re glowing. "Did Mrs. Harbor give out the essay a.s.signments today?"
"What?" I"m so confused it takes me a second to realize she"s talking about English cla.s.s.
"The essay a.s.signments. For Macbeth Macbeth?"
She nudges Alex and he says, "I missed seventh period." He meets my eyes and then looks away, taking a swig of beer.
I don"t say anything. I don"t know what to say.
"So did she give them out?" Bridget looks like she always does: like a puppy just waiting for a treat. "Alex had had to skip. Doctor"s appointment. His mom made him get some shot to, like, prevent meningitis. How lame is that? I mean, four people died of it last year. You have more of a chance of being hit by a car-" to skip. Doctor"s appointment. His mom made him get some shot to, like, prevent meningitis. How lame is that? I mean, four people died of it last year. You have more of a chance of being hit by a car-"
"He should get a shot to prevent herpes," Lindsay says, snickering, but so quietly I only hear because I"m standing right next to her. "It"s probably too late, though."
"I don"t know," I say to Bridget. "I cut."
I"m staring at Alex, watching his reaction. I"m not sure whether he noticed Lindsay and me standing outside of Hunan Kitchen today, peering inside. It doesn"t seem like it.
He and Anna had been huddled over some grayish meat congealing in a plastic bowl, just like I"d expected them to be. Lindsay had wanted to go in and mess with them, but I"d threatened to puke on her new Steve Madden boots if we even caught a whiff of the nasty meat-and-onion smell inside.
By the time we left The Country"s Best Yogurt, they were gone, and we only saw them again briefly at the Smokers" Lounge. They were leaving just as Lindsay was lighting up. Alex gave Anna a quick kiss on the cheek, and we saw them walk off in two different directions: Alex toward the cafeteria, Anna toward the arts building.
They were long gone by the time Lindsay and I pa.s.sed the Nic n.a.z.i on her daily patrol. They weren"t busted today.
And Bridget doesn"t know where he really really was during seventh. was during seventh.
All of a sudden things start clicking into place-all the fears I"ve been holding back-one right after another like dominoes falling. I can"t deny it anymore. Sarah Grundel got the parking s.p.a.ce because we were late. That"s why she"s still in the semifinals. Anna and Alex didn"t have a fight because I convinced Lindsay to keep walking. That"s why they weren"t caught out at the Smokers" Lounge, and that"s why Bridget is hanging off Alex instead of crying in a bathroom.
This isn"t a dream. And it"s not deja vu.
It"s really happening. It"s happening again again.
It feels like my whole body goes to ice in that second. Bridget"s babbling about having never cut a cla.s.s, and Lindsay"s nodding and looking bored, and Alex is drinking his beer, and then I really can"t breathe-fear is clamping down on me like a vise, and I feel like I might shatter into a million pieces right then and there. I want to sit down and put my head between my knees, but I"m worried that if I move, or close my eyes, or do anything, I"ll just start to unravel-head coming away from neck coming away from shoulder-all of me floating away into nothing.
The head bone disconnected from the neck bone, the neck bone disconnected from the backbone...
I feel arms wrap around me from behind and Rob"s mouth is on my neck. But even he can"t warm me up. I"m shivering uncontrollably.
"s.e.xy Sammy," he singsongs, turning me around to him. "Where"ve you been all my life?"
"Rob." I"m surprised I can still speak, surprised I can still think. "I really need to talk to you."
"What"s up, babe?" His eyes are bleary and red. Maybe it"s because I"m terrified, but certain things seem sharper to me than they ever have, clearer. I notice for the first time that the crescent-shaped scar under his nose makes him look kind of like a bull.
"We can"t do it here. We need to...we need to go somewhere. A room or something. Somewhere private."
He grins and leans into me, breathing alcohol on my face while he tries to kiss me. "I get it. It"s that that kind of conversation." kind of conversation."
"I"m serious, Rob. I"m feeling-" I shake my head. "I"m not feeling right."
"You"re never feeling right." He pulls away, frowning at me. "There"s always something, you know?"
"What are you talking about?"
He sways a little bit on his feet and imitates. "I"m tired tonight. My parents are upstairs. Your parents will hear." "I"m tired tonight. My parents are upstairs. Your parents will hear." He shakes his head. "I"ve been waiting months for this, Sam." He shakes his head. "I"ve been waiting months for this, Sam."
The tears are coming. My head throbs with the effort of keeping them back. "This has nothing to do with that. I swear, I-"
"Then what does does it have to do with?" He crosses his arms. it have to do with?" He crosses his arms.
"I just really need you right now." I barely get the words out. I"m surprised he even hears me.
He sighs and rubs his forehead. "All right, all right. I"m sorry." He puts one hand on the top of my head.
I nod. Tears start coming and he wipes two of them away with his thumb.
"Let"s talk, okay? We"ll go somewhere quiet." He rattles his empty beer cup at me. "But can I at least get a topper first?"